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Scientists Prove Jesus Walked with Dinosaurs

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Scientists Prove Jesus Walked with Dinosaurs

Jesus and his disciples walked with dinosaurs 2000 years ago and the earth and universe are only 10,000 years old.

Independent scientists funded by the Christian Neocon Church of Kentucky have also discovered that Adam and Eve wore fashionable garments given by God. This goes against the grain of the popular belief that they wore leaves over their genitalia in the garden of Eden.

These are just some of the myriad of facts which have now been discovered to be true by the scientists working in tandem with archeologists all over America.

Evolution Myth

Professor Alan Johnsons from the University of Mobile, Alabama says: “Blasphemers and evolutionists deny the fact that humans and dinosaurs coexisted. This is not the true Christian path that God and Jesus wrote about.

Image courtesy Monty Propps

“Children and adults outside of America are indoctrinated with the false ‘belief’ that man did not co-exist with dinosaurs starting from early childhood with books that teach it.  It’s reinforced in their school systems, the media and the entertainment industry.

“God wrote in the bible that he created humans and dinosaurs on the same day. Jesus walked and talked with dinosaurs. He even had one as a pet sometimes – an Agilisaurus which he kept in his carpentry workshop. We have eyewitness accounts and scientific evidence about this, folks, and it’s all in the Bible.”

The scientific study was not only all encompassing with profound discoveries in three continents, but also took over twenty years of research to finally come up with definitive answers to everything.

George W Bush has even been named patron of the creationist movement and was last year honoured at Kentucky Fry University with a Masters in Young Earth Studies.

The University at Kentucky Fry has also discovered dinosaur footprints dated 2000 years ago alongside the footprints of man. This incredible discovery alone is enough to cement the theory.

It is hardcore discoveries like this and a dinosaur claw mark on the Turin Shroud which have proved evolutionists are wrong in every way.

More Great Bible Facts

– Jesus had pale white skin with blonde hair and blue eyes and this endeared him to his pet Agilisaurus

– There is evidence to suggest that Jesus and his disciples had mullet haircuts.

– The disciples of the messiah would often travel on the backs of large flying dinosaurs similar to the Rhambphorhynchus Anurognathus on their way to the sea of Galilee. The large flying reptile Pterosaurs are also mentioned from the teachings of the lord Jesus Christ himself when speaking with Nicodemus (Jn. 3:14).

– Noah’s Ark carried many dinosaurs including the Tyrannosaurus Rex and Brachiosaurus as well as tiny insects and bugs.

– Adam saved Eve from being eaten by a Carnotaurus one day and was rewarded with intercourse. This is how the human race initially multiplied.

– Only Americans who believe in Jesus walking with dinosaurs will be taken up to be with him and all his friends in heaven when the Rapture comes.

– According to a 2001 Gallup poll, about 59% of Americans believe that “God created humans and dinosaurs pretty much in their present form at one time within the last 10,000 years or so.”

– Another 27% believe that “human beings have developed over millions of years from less advanced forms of life, but God guided this process.” Only 14% believe that “human beings have developed over millions of years from less advanced forms of life, but God had no part in this process.”

Don’t forget to visit the Creation Museum in Kentucky which realistically brings the pages of the Bible to life. Designed by a former Universal Studios exhibit director, the museum is an informative haven for the whole family.

Collage courtesy: Francesca Berrini

President Bush Urges Cuba Toward ‘Blessings of Liberty’

Dick Pacemaker
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0
President Bush Urges Cuba Toward ‘Blessings of Liberty’

George Bush today led world leaders urging Cuba to use Fidel
Castro’s resignation as an opportunity to move the country towards
democracy.

Speaking on a visit to Guantanamo Bay’s Camp X-Ray, the American torture facility, Bush, the tenth US
president since the veteran communist ruler gained power in 1959, said:
“Like America which is a society built on freedom and justice, Fidel Castro ought to begin a period of a
democratic transition.”

“My administration of torturers and war criminals will work
with the Cuban people to begin to build institutions that are necessary
for democracy,” he said standing in the main torture chamber amongst screaming men with electrodes attached to their testicles.

“Eventually this transition ought to
lead to free and fair elections – and I mean free, and I mean fair – like how I was voted in twice using Diebold voting machines and other illegal methods.

“And we’re going to help. The United States will help the people of Cuba realise the blessings of liberty and fair justice.”

The USA has been
able to contravene the Geneva Convention at Guantanamo Bay and refuses
to acknowledge that detainees have any rights for a fair trial in any
court of law in any jurisdiction since 2002.Anyone can be taken from anywhere in the world and put in the prison at ‘Gitmo’ and never be heard from again.

Dubbed ‘the gulag of our times’, the detention camp is a place where people disappear with no trace.

America has shown the world the benefits of freedom and justice with the
detention camp at Guantanamo Bay Cuba where detainees are not tried in
any court of law, are not heard of ever again and are tortured daily.

Comrade Brown Creates the Peoples Bank

Dick Pacemaker
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0
Comrade Brown Creates the Peoples Bank

Our supreme unelected leader, Comrade Brown, spoke to the Workers Nation yesterday from the Westminster Duma broadcasting centre.

“Comrades, Red Army and Red Navy men, commanders and
political instructors, men and women workers, men and women
collective farmers, intellectuals, brothers and sisters in
the enemy rear who have temporarily fallen under the yoke of
the capitalist brigands, our glorious men and women guerrillas
who are disrupting the rear of the bourgeois invaders!

“On behalf of the British Government and our Bolshevik
Labour Party I greet you and congratulate you on the
anniversary of the great Socialist Revolution Vision of Change.

“Comrades, I have instructed Comrade Darling to create a Peoples Bank for the Proletariat of Britain. Every worker and citizen will have the honour of being part of the nations large debt mountain.

“Every worker will shoulder the burden of our workers struggle. I have put aside £110 billion for now to be paid by every worker in our great nation – a mere £4000 of debt for each citizen to enjoy. Work hard my brothers and sisters – in the next 100 years you may one day pay off the debt.”


The immense debt which has been gifted to the people of Britain is equivalent to the entire budget of the NHS or 30 pence on income tax. Workers from all over Britain will be increasing production in the factories from tomorrow to pay for our wonderful burden to the party.

Proles and workers who heard of the news were delighted to carry on the workers struggle and celebrated by shouting out the name of our glorious leader Comrade Brown in Politburo Square all of yesterday.

After the singing and dancing ended some shareholders from the bourgeois capitalist previous incarnation of the old system Northern Rock were publicly hanged by their necks to rambunctious cheers from all present.

Notice: B68572 INGSOCK Long Live the Bean!

Hated Heather Mills to Settle in Iraq

Dick Pacemaker
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0
Hated Heather Mills to Settle in Iraq

The most hated woman in the British Isles and Western world is to either move to Iraq or the Far East.

It has taken the hated ex-glamour model two years to acquire a £55 million windfall for her three year marriage to Sir Paul McCartney.

The greedy stumptress is already planning her next marriage to the next sucker she can dupe, possibly a rich Arab.

“She’s already looking for her next conquest and is not content with her £55 million. She’s going for the full century – the big kahuna – £100 million,” one of her friends told the Daily Squib this weekend.

Sunni Triangle mansion

Because of her hated status as one of the biggest gold diggers around, Heather will be living in the Sunni triangle in Baghdad.

She was only granted permission by the Americans to live in the most volatile and inhospitable place in Iraq after much legal wrangling and pleading by Heather’s lawyers.

 



 
A quiet Sunday afternoon in Ramadi
 


The Sunni Triangle is a densely-populated region of Iraq to the northwest of Baghdad that is inhabited mostly by Sunni Muslim Arabs.

The roughly triangular area’s corners are usually said to lie near Baghdad (on the east side of the triangle), Ramadi (on the west side) and Tikrit (on the north side). Each side is approximately 200 kilometers long (125 miles). The area also contains the cities of Baqubah and Mosul and Samarra and Fallujah.

Major Johnsons whose patrol regularly goes through the area told the Daily Squib, “We at first consulted tribal leaders on the issue of where to put Ms Mills in Iraq. Every area rejected her on the basis that they detest Heather Mills as much as anyone in all Western countries. The Sunni Triangle has no such qualms about hosting someone like Heather because between the mass shootings, car bombs, bullets ricocheting, RPG attacks, IED’s and having your door kicked upon by crazed US Marines they have other things on their mind.”

Heather Mills will be allowed to transport the bags of money she nefariously acquired into the barricaded Sunni Triangle compound and there she will live for the rest of her life.The former Saddam Hussein bunker where Heather will spend the rest of her days will be guarded by 24 hr security — not to keep people out but Ms Mills in.

One of her long suffering relatives has told the Times:

“She won’t stay in the UK. She knows everybody hates her here and she does not care.

“Now that she’s got her money she would leap at the chance to get away from it all and take her daughter Bea with her.

“I think she’ll go abroad and then just slowly fade away into obscurity.”

One can only hope.

British Teens to be Cautioned for First Time Murder Offences

Dick Pacemaker
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2
British Teens to be Cautioned for First Time Murder Offences

Under the new laws espoused by the Home Office, teens who commit their first murder will be cautioned and then given an on-the-spot fine of £20.00.

If the teens do not have the money upfront they will be reprimanded and required to pay the fine in instalments.

Two strikes and you’re out

Only when British teens commit murder twice will there be any grounds for a court appearance which may eventually lead to prosecution and possible jail time.

Courts in England and Wales have welcomed the Home Secretary’s decision and commended Ms Smith on freeing up valuable court time so they can continue prosecuting more motorists in England and Wales for minor driving offences.

The Labour think tank which pioneered the groundbreaking law has also been commended by the Prime Minister.

 

Gordon Brown will be discussing the new murder laws in next week’s cabinet meeting with a view to implementing them within six months.

Jacqui Smith, who was also responsible for the introduction of ASBO’s (Anti Social Behaviour Orders) and ABC’s (Anti Social Behaviour Contracts), was
not available for comment because she was down her local kebab shop
with an armed escort getting some extra chilli sauce on a chicken
doner.

Violent crime statistics in the UK are now at a three year low with only 450 murders per day in Manchester alone.

The rest of the UK has also seen a dramatic decrease in violent crime because of Labour’s recent crime fighting initiatives.

Crying Hillary Clinton Terrorises Supporters

Dick Pacemaker
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3
Crying Hillary Clinton Terrorises Supporters

Pandemonium and chaos was brought forth this week when democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton made herself cry again after multiple losses to Obama.

As she stepped onto the podium her supporters realised she was going to start crying again and that is when all hell broke loose. The election security detail tried to evacuate the area as quickly as they could, but the sheer panic was overwhelming.

“Hillary started to cry quite suddenly, and that’s when everyone started to stampede. We know about her crocodile tears,” a hapless Clinton supporter told the Daily Squib.

Hilary Clinton’s tears have such a high acid ph value that they can burn through steel and pretty much any man made material. Some scientists have tried unsuccessfully to analyse the tears, but have not been able to because they burn through all the equipment.

Hillary Clinton’s tear drop goes through the titanium
steel election podium like a knife through butter

“Hillary’s tears are like the blood of the aliens from the movie ‘Aliens’ starring Sigourney Weaver. That stuff burns through anything and never stops. We have to be very careful when she flies or is on a boat so as not to make her cry,” one of her campaign managers who recently quit told us.

Hillary Clinton has never been filmed blinking her eyes, so how she conjures up realistic looking tears and what looks to be some kind of emotion is a mystery to many political watchers.

Some commentators even go so far as to suggest that Hillary’s tears are a cynical ploy to influence voters. Surely not?

If anyone has any footage of Hillary Clinton blinking please phone the Daily Squib offices immediately for a substantial cash reward – CALL 0891- CROCO

African Village Empty After Mass Celebrity Adoptions

Dick Pacemaker
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4
African Village Empty After Mass Celebrity Adoptions

Twenty years of age and too old to be adopted by a celebrity, Ondongo cuts a lonely figure in the village where children used to play once and elders sat telling stories amongst the corrugated iron huts.

The village has been decimated by a mass of celebrity adoptions which has effectively turned the whole area into a wasteland.

Children who were once the lifeblood of this tiny hamlet deep in the wilds of Uganda are now propped up in places like Manhattan, Kensington or Beverly Hills, living in mansions with Olympic swimming pools and walk-in cupboards decked to the hilt with thousands of expensive clothes and shoes.

“The heart of this community has been torn out by these vanity celebrity adoptions,” Jill Severino, a relief worker from Médecins Sans Frontières, told the Daily Squib on Friday.

There used to be 30 families living in this village and now they have all gone.  As well as A-list celebrities there have also been adoptions from D-listers who wish to jump on the ‘celebrity adoption’ bandwagon.

After adopting a boy from the same village, pop star Madonna, even went to great lengths to have jungle scenes painted on the bedroom walls of her African boy’s quarters to make him feel more at home. Amongst other well known celebrities, David Beckham has also adopted a Ugandan boy as well as Angelina Jolie.

“It’s the next accessory amongst the new breed of celebrity; they already have the private jets, Aston Martins and everything and anything they want. Keeping up with the Jones’ is not cheap – especially if you’re the typical shallow celebrity,” Charles Peters head of the XTM PR agency told the Daily Squib from his offices in London.

There have been instances where some celebrities have wanted their first choice exchanged for another child due to unforeseen circumstances – like clashing with the decor scheme.

The brokers usually line up the children before the celebrities arrive. There is normally a brief ceremony of dancing and singing once the celebrity has chosen which African boy or girl they want to try out.

Once the children are successfully patriated and settled within the celebrity household they are not viewed as pure ornaments and objects of interest, but as real live attractions to be paraded in front of the media networks and cameras. That is until the next celebrity craze comes along.

Ku Klux Klan Endorses Obama

Dick Pacemaker
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531
Ku Klux Klan Endorses Obama

White Christian Supremacist group the Ku Klux Klan has endorsed Barack Obama to be the next President of the United States of America.

Speaking from his Kentucky office in Dawson Springs, the Imperial Wizard exclaimed that anything or anyone is better than having that “crazy ass bitch” as President.

This is the first time in Klan history that any member of the KKK has ever publicly supported an African American candidate for the presidency.

KKK lodges all over America have been gathering and holding rallies supporting the black presidential candidate.

 


 Ku klux Kland Endorses ObamaKKK members in Tennessee rally against Hillary Clinton and support Barack Obama

 

Grand Turk Cletus Monroe has also been very vocal about the election and has donated thousands of dollars to Obama’s election fund.

“The boy’s gonna do it. My Klan group has donated up to $250,000 to the Obama fund. Anything is better than Hillary Clinton. Hell I’ll even adopt a black kid from Africa before I vote for Hillary.”

“A few years back we were lynching negroes. Now we’re gonna vote for one to be president of the US of motherfucking A, damn it! Anyone or anything is better than Hillary Clinton – anything!!”

Placards for Barack Obama have been put up around the Klan’s Headquarters and the KKK have announced a television ad campaign to support the African American candidate.

NOTIFICATION (11th July 2017)

This satirical article was written in 2008. In 2017, 11, July, Google contacted us and deemed the article as HATE SPEECH. They have ordered us to take down the article (or remove the adsense advertising) which went viral globally during the election campaign of Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton in 2008. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Daily_Squib There is nothing furthest from our minds than this article being deemed as hateful, as of the time of writing it was meant to portray the race hate group, the Ku Klux Klan, as putting aside their racial hatred and siding with an African American presidential candidate in a show of solidarity. We are bemused that after nearly ten years, Google is coming down on a satirical piece of internet history, and instead of supporting freedom of expression and speech is in fact stifling it. This article promotes LOVE, not HATRED, and was intended as a jocular take on the election campaign in 2008. We abhor race hate, as well as censorship of any kind, and are saddened to see that the words ‘Hate Speech’ being used as an open term to enforce censorship on the internet of 2017. The Daily Squib supports free speech, satire, freedom of expression, art, and most of all an open free internet.

We leave you with the words of Evelyn Beatrice Hall, who wrote in The Friends of Voltaire, 1906, the phrase:

“I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it”

NHS Unveils New Fleet of Ambulances

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0
NHS Unveils New Fleet of Ambulances

With a health service that is buckling under the weight of serious underfunding, massive UK immigration and unfettered wasteful spending of the meagre cash it gets, is there any hope for the ailing sick patient called the NHS?

Labour Ministers have come up with a solution for the NHS which will revolutionise health care in Britain.

The new fleet of NHS ambulances will pick patients up and take them directly to the cemetery thus saving billions of pounds per annum.

“Why bother with MRSA filled hospitals and substandard underfunded wards where death roams day and night? This way, everyone’s a winner. More taxpayers billions can now be diverted to great causes like Northern Wreck and fruitless conflicts like Afghanistan and Iraq. Think about the amount of empty hospital beds that we will now have,” Health Minister, Alan Johnson told a Commons Select Committee this morning.

The one-stop solution for the new look NHS was hailed as a much needed boost for Labour in the Commons when Health Secretary Alan Johnson announced the overhaul after last year’s draft white paper.

“Now if you call for an ambulance and are in dire need of assistance we can be with you within five minutes from anywhere in the UK and have you six feet under in less than fifteen minutes saving thousands of pounds per patient in administrative costs, hospital staffing costs and maintenance.”

As of tomorrow the new NHS scheme will come into effect for the benefit of the whole UK.

Bush Restrained after Talking to God on Flight to Heathrow

Dick Pacemaker
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0
Bush Restrained after Talking to God on Flight to Heathrow

Passengers on the Air Force One flight from Washington to London said the president was restrained after yelling and “invoking his God” while sitting at his presidential chair more than 30,000 feet above the
Atlantic.

The flight was forced to make an emergency diversion to
Ireland’s Shannon Airport early on Monday and the ailing lame duck president
was taken to a nearby psychiatric unit.

Alan Johnson, one of 43 passengers on board, said the president of the United States was
carried into the baggage hold with his hands and ankles cuffed after he was
restrained by cabin crew and one of his speech writers. The president was then handcuffed to a seat and fed more bananas to shut him up as the
captain requested permission to land from Irish air traffic
authorities. “He was worse than usual. Dick Cheney wasn’t even in the room and he was still talking to some kind of God,” Johnson told the Daily Squib. “His voice was clear, he didn’t
sound like he was as drunk as he usually is and he was swearing and asking for
God. He specifically said he wants to talk to his God.”

‘I am driven with a mission from God.’ Bush then shouted, ‘George go
and fight these terrorists in Afghanistan’. And I did. And then God
would tell me ‘George, go and end the tyranny in Iraq’. And I did.”

Mr
Bush went on: “And now, again, I feel God’s words coming to me, ‘Go bomb
the terrorists in Iran and cause a nuclear war, and bring perpetual war and pestilence on the whole world’. And, by God, I’m gonna do it.”

 


President George W Bush speaks to his God on Air Force One

It
is understood that the crew first became concerned less than an hour before
they were due to arrive at Heathrow, when the president began “speaking
loudly to his God and acting in an even more peculiar fashion than usual”, according to one
source. The president was talking to his God with such lucidity that it even scared his handlers. The flight arrived
at Heathrow eight hours late.

An Air Force One spokesman confirmed that the flight captain had requested a “medical diversion” to Shannon.

“The president fell ill during the flight and the captain elected to divert
to Shannon,” he said. “The aircraft landed without incident. At no time
was the safety of the passengers or crew in question. The flight was
met by medical personnel and the president is now in care.”

A spokesman for Shannon Airport said: “We were advised that the president was unwell and that was the reason for the diversion. We prepared a cage for the president and his favourite bananas.”

Members of the president’s family including Barney the dog and a representative of the Pentagon flew to Shannon yesterday.

You can all rest assured that the largest nuclear arsenal in the history of mankind is in safe hands tonight.

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