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Stab Britain: Less Playgrounds and More Graveyards to be Built

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Gordon Brown will today announce at PM’s questions, the plan for thousands more graveyards to be built all over the UK to accommodate the huge increase in knifing fatalities.

Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith also announced a planned phasing down of children’s playgrounds in England and Wales due to the fact that there is less demand for them with parents keeping their remaining children, that are still alive, away.

There will be a further initiative to increase the deterrent for knife crime. Convicted murderers will not be given a verbal caution for their first murder offence as is customary but may have to do a bit of community service wearing jackets designed to be more visible to the public. Convicted knife murderers will also be further deterred of more knife slashing by having their faces published on “conviction posters”, showing their enemies that they have attained great fame for their violent ways.

“It’s a form of tagging but done the Labour way. The more these teens stab and murder the more posters we put up of their faces in public. It is a sort of fame school for teenage murderers, wherein the more stabbing the more notoriety you acquire,” Social worker for Haringey council, Ed Barlow was quoted as saying on BBC’s Newsnight.

 

Pupils from Marshalls Tenbenson School in Romford attend a friends funeral

The increase in stab victims has also left mortuaries full to capacity and with waiting lists of atleast three weeks for fatal stab victims to be processed. Some councils in the Greater Manchester area are getting by with makeshift mortuaries in food depots and Tesco, always the saviour has lent a hand by accepting stab victims into their Salford meat processing warehouse until the council builds another four mortuaries.

By demolishing playgrounds and parks there will be further room to build graveyards and mortuaries under the new Labour initiative.

In the UK there are an estimated 450 stabbings per day of which an estimated 400 are fatal. Since Labour won power in 1997 there has been a remarkable increase in violent attacks in the UK despite the government’s assurance that all is well.

Michael Jackson to Undergo Surgery to Reverse Whiteness

In a statement today released through his spokesman, Edmund Rancheros, Michael Jackson has announced that he wants to get “back to black” and will undergo major surgery to try and undo all the surgery he had done after the Thriller album.

Michael Jackson who has been following the Obama campaign very closely has finally admitted to close friends that he is ashamed of what he has done over the years by trying to change his appearance so radically to be white. He has said that he wants to get back to his roots and his blackness to be “black and proud”.

It was after the mega-selling Thriller album that Jackson acquired a penchant for radical cosmetic surgical procedures and buggery of little boys.

The result of many years of major surgery, his face now looks like a piece of chewed mutton or veal and what is left of the cartilage in his nose hangs precariously from the few sinews left.

Renowned Beverly Hills cosmetic surgeon Dr. Joshua Lieber has been chosen for an undisclosed sum to undertake the massive task of restoring Jackson to his former self as a black man.

“I am very honoured to be working with Michael Jackson. I am a great fan of his music as are my children. The operation to restore Mr Jackson’s face to its previous incarnation after the thousands of surgeries he has undergone in the past to get to the horrific level of mess he is in now will be very hard and will take over two years. I am very confident of restoring his face to its former self and will be using ground breaking laser surgery to achieve the goal. Michael’s wish is my command.”

The surgical reversal technique is a heavily guarded secret. However, there are whispers that parts of Jackson’s old face may have been preserved and stored away for many years. Jackson’s original nose and ears as well as eyeballs may have been cryogenically frozen during the eighties in a Santa Barbara facility.

Jackson reportedly is $400 million in debt and it has not been apparent how he will pay for the major restorative surgery. There have been rumours of a planned residency in Las Vegas which would pay for the surgery.

“Michael has this notion that if he looks like he used to look during the Thriller period when he was still a bona fide black man, he can turn back the clocks and restore his fortune and destiny as well,” Edmund Rancheros told Ebony magazine last week.

Michael Jackson was not available personally to make a statement because he was off to Tampa with the kids on holiday.

10 Tips to Surviving in Modern Day Britain Under Labour

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With the economic downturn, increased taxes, increased fuel taxes and high oil prices, increased council taxes and bin taxes, increased food costs and shortages.

The Daily Squib has compiled a way that you and your family can survive Gordon Brown’s tax hell Britain.

Britons have faced a 60% increase in fuel charges within the last four months, and there are now threats of increased interest rates as well as increased car tax, bus and train fares and reduced wages. Further increases in mortgage rates and dropping house prices have also added further woes to the beleaguered British public with negative equity about to hit 3 million households across Britain.

10 Tips for Surviving in Labour’s Britain

1. For a small outlay you can grow marijuana in your attic or spare room. This is a wonderful way of supplementing your income. If you have the right contacts you can make up to £40,000 per week tax free or either that smoke yourself into oblivion. Last week marijuana was a Class C drug, this week it is Class B and is scheduled to go back to Class C in three weeks time.

2. Persuade the wife to work in the spare room offering relief to old men and perverts. You can also sell her off to one of the many Eastern European gangs who have been invited into Britain under the Labour government or rent her out. If you can’t persuade the wife, you can always go down the docks yourself and remember to bring lots of lubricant for your arse.

3. Drop your kids off at school and leave them there. Children are a high cost to any household with shoes, clothes, toys, books and council tax.

4. Sell your pets to your local Chinese restaurant. Chinese restaurants will happily pay good money for your pet dogs and cats which can cause unnecessary outlay with pet food, maintenance, insurance and toys.

5. If you can find someone to sell your £1.7 million terraced 2 bedroom hovel in Walthamstow then simply emigrate. Thousands of Britons are emigrating every day to countries where citizens are not taxed and priced out of existence.

6. Commit a crime. Yes, you read this right. By going to prison you will not have to pay heating costs, food costs or rent. You will have a limitless supply of drugs and enjoy your own playstation console, dvd’s, satellite tv and access to full size snooker tables. You can easily be locked up for many years, simply by defending yourself when attacked by one of the many thousands of knife wielding feral teenagers roaming Britain’s streets.

7. Become a welfare leech. You will need about 12 kids and will have to walk around with a tracksuit all day scrounging fags off unsuspecting members of the public, intimidating people with your Rottweilers and bragging about your latest ASBO. Pretty easy under the Labour created ‘benefits-culture’ regime of idleness.

8. Become a welfare cheat. Under Labour’s lax laws for crime, it is easy to swindle the government out of millions per annum claiming the numerous social benefits available. In no time you will be driving around in a Mercedes paid for by the taxpayer and flaunting your huge gold chains.

9. Become a member of Parliament. Easy money, expenses paid for everything. You will never have to pay tax ever again and everything will be free.

10. Shoot yourself.

I Freed Millions from Life, Says President With No Regrets

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Chao Ab Ordo

For a political leader who has rivalled Gordon Brown’s slippery nosedive in the opinion polls in the past year, president George W Bush looked remarkably untroubled by self-doubt as he crossed Europe last week.

The focus back home has shifted to the battle between Barack Obama and John McCain to salvage something out of the carnage and economic turmoil Bush has left behind. But Bush, on his last European tour as American President, is determined to justify the mass killing spree his foreign policy has adopted around the world and especially in the Middle East.

At street level, the president’s visit to Slovenia, Germany, Italy, France and now Britain has sometimes had an almost surreal quality. The war president has calmly spoken of his decisions over the years to kill and murder as many Arabs and Muslims as he can possibly manage. He has spoken of his joy at occupying Arab territory permanently and using up as much of their natural resources whilst systematically poisoning their ‘untermensch’ populations with depleted uranium.

 


Stormtrooper Duff McKagan processes another Iraqi to
soon be freed from living via torture in Abu Ghraib prison

 

On the road to Fiumicino airport in Rome, where as in other capitals on his itinerary the police had far outnumbered any demonstrators, one taxi driver remarked: ‘Bush is a stone-cold killer and murderer, he makes Caligula look like Mother Theresa.’ But when asked what he thought about the US President’s killing technique, the taxi driver replied less favourably: ‘He is not as genocidally efficient as the Germans, they perfected the art of mass murder — this Bush is messy even though he is responsible for millions of deaths and economic turmoil as well!’

Murder by numbers

Bush’s focus, as he made clear in a lengthy Fox News interview before his arrival in London today for talks with Brown, has been on increasing the kill rate of civilians in Iraq whilst minimising the cost per kill ratio. “A missile costs $35,000 and we need to kill more sand-ni**ers per missile to make it worthwhile, hell we even tried frying the bastards with ‘shake and bake’ (white phosphorous) but they’re like ‘roaches’ and always find a way of living.” Bush has stated repeatedly that the ‘Christianization’ and ‘Gitmoization’ of Iraq is a major priority. Indeed, his Christian values are increasingly coming into evidence with his program of demolishing mosques and building pig farms, fast-food restaurants and casinos over the sites.

 


An Iraqi father and son relax during freedom processing

 

On his way to London, Bush was pressing broadly sympathetic leaders in Berlin, Rome and Paris on the issue of ‘assimilation to evangelical born again Christianity through genocide’ for the Middle East, as well as on the need to beef up permanent bases in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Asked what he thinks his legacy might be, he says he is happy to await the verdict of history. But he cannot resist also offering his own, suggesting ‘the liberation of 5 million people from their lives is my goal and I have nearly achieved this target’. Bush’s War of Terror has murdered millions of people in the name of oil profits whilst shutting down all civil liberties, but this is still not enough, he has vowed to reach his kill target of 5 million deaths by the end of his presidency.

Liberation from life

As the jacketless president expanded on his foreign policy strategy in the garden of the palatial 17th-century US ambassador’s residence on a Rome hilltop, he was keen to shift the focus onto the prospect of American military action against Iran. His interest, he said, was in ‘mass nu-cu-lear genocide results’ – in demonstrating sufficient Christian Western might, a volksgemeinschaft of freeing the lebensunwertes leben from their sorry lives.

Asked in the Rome interview about popular opposition in Britain to the war and his presidency, he replied: ‘Do I care? The only thing I care about is not being responsible for more killing and deaths. I am asked everyday if I enjoy the power I have when I order the mass murder of millions of people? Of course I do, I can be playing golf and a call will come through of 500,000 more Iraqis dead — brings a tingle of pleasure down my back every time.’

He remained, he said, convinced that Iraq, and the world, was a better place without Arabs and Muslims. “I am on a mission from God to kill Muslims,” he exclaimed.

‘We didn’t realise, nor did anyone else,’ Bush said, ‘that killing Arabs would so much goddamn fun. It’s like shooting fish in a barrel … we will soon have them eating pork products and watching American dirt movies whilst gambling in Iraqi casinos, ha ha ha hahah ha aha ha ahaha ha ah ahahahahahaha ha .’

 

Traitorous Irish Rebels Attempt to Scupper Soviet European State

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There has been upheaval in the Irish EU Soviet Sector with murmurs of democracy being uttered under the breaths of the people.

Supreme central command in Brussels will see fit to crush any vile ‘democratic’ rebellion and has sent a brigade of Bolshevik troops to crush the abhorrent rebellion.

Unelected Comrade Brown of the Soviet British sector, who answers to the head of the Soviet European State, Comrade Barroso, was on hand to reassure his superiors that there would be no such attempts at democracy in Soviet Britain unlike the rebellious potato munching leprachaunite Irish traitors to the Soviet EU constitution of totalitarian authority led by supreme elite unelected controllers.

Re-Educating the Irish

“Unlike the Irish who have embraced the weak bourgeois tendency to democracy and the right for a vote from the people, Britain will not be encumbered by such ridiculous nonsense. We will ratify the Soviet EU constitution for a totalitarian state and one-world government controlled by a few unelected Soviet European elites. Dearest comrades, it is for your benefit that we will be pushing through this constitution even when the people of Soviet EU Sectors in Ireland, France or Netherlands have voted against it,” Comrade Brown then let out a hearty laugh and was applauded by all in the Westminster duma.

Political Commissar for Re-Education, Comrade Ed Balls, has been ordered to go to Ireland to re-educate the Irish prole masses on how to comport themselves within the Soviet EU. Irish dissenters who do not follow the Comrade Balls EU Re-Education programs will be despatched to eco-gulags.

Elite unelected leaders in Brussels today were talking about inviting Comrade Robert
Mugabe into their ranks because of a great admiration for his techniques in winning over his people in the Eur-African Soviet sector.

Comrade José Manuel Barroso, the president of the European Soviet Totalitarian Commission, said: “The democratic vote in Ireland is not a problem for the proposed Soviet Lisbon Treaty. We will push through the Soviet assimilation process with the necessary Bolshevik
brainwashing processes; 18 Soviet states have already approved the treaty with pay-offs and torture, and the Politburo division believes the remaining ratifications should continue to take their course. I believe the treaty is alive.”

Europe’s elite unelected leaders will simply steamroller their blueprint through despite the Irish rejection. There is no time for such fickle and petty doctrines like ‘democracy’ in the Soviet State of Europe.

Notice: B64345 INGSOCK Long Live the Gordo and the Soviet EU State!

Gordon Brown Reduces Gulag Detentions to 42 Years

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With our great Soviet liberties of freedom there are many who think that the 120 million cctv cameras, DNA databases, microchipping, surveillance of all telephone and email correspondence, information databases, fingerprinting, scanners, biometrics, microchipping  and indefinite incarceration in gulags is not enough to ensure our Soviet democracy and freedom.

Our kind and fair great leader of the Soviet State of Britain has announced today that instead of being detained for 65 years, as is customary for anyone who disobeys the great Soviet state, there will be a holding period of only 42 years in a gulag.

“We, as a free country, must uphold the tenets of Soviet Bolshevik freedom in Britain today. I understand that 65 years of hard-labour in a gulag for anyone deemed an enemy of the Soviet state was too harsh and therefore I have been ordered by our great leader to reduce the sentencing to 42 years. The enemies of the Soviet Bolshevik State of England will not thus win a victory against our liberties and freedom,” Comrade Jacqui Smith, Commissar for ABC’s and ASBO’s outlined at a special Westminster duma meeting on Friday.

Thought-crime is also a punishable offence and anyone who harbours bad thoughts or plans on undermining our great Soviet father, Comrade Brown, will be despatched immediately to one of the thousands of gulags situated in sector 101 Northern Britain.

Our supreme unelected leader has outlined in his ten year Age of Change plan to increase gulag numbers to one million so as to contain any dissent of the state’s great workings.

British Soviet prole populations were ecstatic at hearing the news that the jailing period of 65 years has been reduced to 42 years. There were celebrations in sectors 34 – 57 and an extra chocolate ration of one bar was released by our great unelected master Gordon Brown.

We also have news of the bourgeois lickspittle traitor to the Regime of Soviet Change, David Davies. Yes, comrades, he has been despatched to a gulag in Haltemprice and Howden where he will be incarcerated for 42 years of hard Labour.

Notice: B64221 INGSOCK Long Live the Gordo!

Damien Hirst Self-Portrait Sells for Record £387 Million

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The self-portrait which was painted by one of Hirst’s many assistants was sold to an anonymous phone bidder at lunchtime today.

The painting is part of the Hirst ‘Arse Series’ where he depicts himself as the contemporary ‘anal bullshit’ con-artist that he is.

“I aim to paint myself as limitless angular momentum in constant toilet flushing flux. My anal sphincter muscles loosen and expel hydrostatic equilibrium into the anus-sphere of existence and of course stick a dead fucking cow in there too,” Hirst writes in Arthole magazine.

Hirst is a well seasoned con-artist and has ripped off many artists including Gerhard Richter’s colour chart series, made between 1966 and 1974 and Austrian artist Alphons Schilling’s ‘Spin’ paintings.

New London Taxi Cabs Unveiled

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Horse Power

The new London horse-driven taxis have been welcomed by cabbies because of the low running costs and the punters are delighted as well because of the low taxi charges. Where a passenger in a diesel operated cab could expect to pay £350.00 for a half mile cab trip, they can now get away with paying 30 pence for a horse driven trip across London.

London cabbie, Reg Carbunkle had this to say about the new taxis: “Blimey guv, it’s that Gordon Brown innit? He’s got 70% tax on all petrol in this country and when the oil price went up – peak oil and all that lark – we got scuppered well and good. It used to cost me £590 per hour to run my cab with diesel — so we came up with a solution. Horses mate, yes! Ya know the smelly animals that shit all over the effin’ place, nah I ain’t talkin’ about Amy Winehouse cuz she looks and smells like one innit. ‘Ere I ‘ad that John Prescott in me cab last night, yeah two jags triple chins Prescott, ‘e chundered in me cab something silly when ‘e was telling me about curbing my carbon emissions and recycling his vomit, that ain’t going to pay for me diesel will it? Effing bast@ard!”

Labour government ministers and Treasury fuel tax collectors however have not been happy about horses being introduced into their fuel tax bonanza. With the cost of fuel being made up of 70% tax that goes straight to the Treasury there are now calls to tax horses.

More tax please we’re British

“We are going to have to tax horses at a similar rate to motor vehicles. We will be introducing further horse licence taxes. In addition all horses will have to have an MOT and certificate of taxation. In August of this year we will also be increasing taxation on horse shit dropped by every horse, this is to curb volatile gases leading to global warming,” a senior tax collector revealed to the Guardian newspaper how the government plans on clawing back lost fuel tax revenue.

London cabbies have anticipated this taxing move by the Labour government and are now switching to mules which are not taxed yet.

It’s OK ‘Keep Panic Buying Petrol’ Brown Urges

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ONLY SEVENTY FIVE PENCE FUEL TAX/POUND

With seventy five pence from every pound spent on petrol going to the British Soviet Treasury in fuel tax and duty, Comrade Brown is urging more panic at the pumps.

ONLY SIX POUNDS PER GALLON

Oil as a commodity is cheaper than milk. However, with Labour’s fuel tax and fuel duty, it is now nearly over five pounds thirty per gallon for unleaded and six pounds fifty pence per gallon for diesel. The United Soviet State of Britain has the highest fuel taxes in the world and British prole drivers are the biggest cash cows in the world.

EVERYTHING IS ALRIGHT PANIC EMERGENCY

Gordon Brown yesterday called on motorists to panic buy fuel as
ministers activated emergency measures to take in as much tax revenue as they can deal with ahead of a
threatened four-day strike by tanker drivers starting on Friday. By creating a mass feeding frenzy from petrol stations across the nation due to reports that Shell tanker drivers were to strike, the Labour government is sure to come into a massive tax windfall. By ensuring the panic buying masses continue with the feeding frenzy, the Soviet British State will accumulate large reserves of fuel tax cash for its tax-rich overloaded coffers.

DO NOT WORRY KEEP PANIC BUYING NOW

“The English are a breed unto themselves. They seem to happily accept every indignity and injustice heaped upon them without question or protest. Our populations have been brainwashed into slave subservience and are the most pliable plebiscites in the whole world. A credit to us controllers who have steered the sheeple into the pen ready for mass fleecing,” Commissar for Fuel Tax, Harry Balls, said at a news briefing for the British Soviet Treasury on Friday.

YOU MUST PANIC CALM PANIC CALM

Labour ministers were congratulating themselves and there were many pats on the back today for encouraging the panic buying of fuel at petrol stations across the United Soviet State of Britain. Despite taking nearly 80 pence from every pound spent on petrol in the United Soviet State of Britain in tax, Comrade Brown still plans to reward the population with a further 2 pence fuel tax increase by August 2008.

“Comrades, we welcome the panic buying! Out of every pound spent we make nearly eighty pence on fuel tax. Thank you for blindly consuming petrol at these prices for many years. We will continue to increase the fuel tax we receive from you and spend it on incompetent, impotent and useless politicians, waste, cronyism, stupidity, cowardice and greed. And who knows? Out of all the money we’re making, we might even be able to start another war! Our only worry is that petrol stations might eventually run out of fuel from the mass panic buying which would mean that all of the tax revenue we’re currently receiving would come to a panicky abrupt end. But in the meantime, please carry on panicking — there is nothing to worry about and everything to panic about!” a jubilant Comrade Brown told the BBC4 news yesterday.

Barack Hussein Obama Vows to Wage Jihad on Christian American Doubters

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As he gears up for his general election fight against John McCain, Mr Obama and his chief advisers are gearing up for a massive fight to win over Christian voters in America, amid polling data showing that a significant number of Americans believe Muslims are all suspicious terrorists and barbaric suicide bombers ready to behead Christians and rape good old clean Christian girls, there has been a massive scramble to quell such fears about his background. Such doubts were a factor in his poor showing with white, blue-collar Christian voters during his primary battle with Hillary Clinton.

In recent days Mr Obama has — unprompted — brought up the subject of his five day prayer habit and his recent pilgrimage to Mecca. Barack Obama, who was sworn in as a US senator on the Koran; has a long road ahead of him in a country full of Christians and evangelical bible-belters. Many Americans have been programmed to abhor Muslims and make them a pariah to be despised and feared.

The powerful Jewish lobby, the AIPAC, has warned American voters about Mr Obama: “Let me know if you see this guy named Barack Obama because he sounds pretty scary. We need a candidate who will be accepted by Israel. America has been controlled for many years and we do not want to compromise the motherlands control over this great nation.”

Adilah Kumar Mohammed, a spokeswomen for Mr Obama, told The Daily Squib that the Jihad team was still being finalised.

She added: “The only way to run our campaign is to respond immediately when Islamic prejudice information is put out. The [emails] are saying he’s a Muslim. He is. He’s a Muslim and there is nothing to be ashamed of. He often brings up the e-mails that are out there and the smear campaign that’s been run against him and all Muslims on the internet. We definitely recognise that prejudice about someone’s belief system or creed or colour is wrong in all circumstances. No one should be made to feel ashamed of their religion or colour and issue denials. Religion or colour should not matter when running for president. Only in racist countries does it matter. The USA is not institutionally racist we hope.”

The “Jihad room” comes as the Obama campaign prepares a series of biographical speeches, television advertisements and campaign appearances to tell his life story, an attempt to make voters more familiar with his Islamic roots. Despite his long nomination fight against Mrs Clinton, his campaign aides concede that millions of Americans still feel that they do not really know him.

Mr Obama’s Kenyan father, who left the family when he was 2, was a Muslim, but not particularly religious. The Illinois senator lived in Indonesia from the age of 6 until 10 with his white, American mother and Indonesian stepfather, who was also a Muslim. Mr Obama is a moderately devout Muslim and attends prayer at his local mosque on a regular basis. He moved from being moderately devout Muslim to finding Mohammed in his 20s, with the help of his former Chicago Imam: the Mullah Jeremiah Ibn Ali-Wright, a figure whose incendiary Islamic sermons now haunt his candidacy and has increased suspicions among some voters about his patriotism.

A poll in mid-March found that 93 per cent of Americans think that Mr Obama is a Muslim and should therefore be feared and shunned — a 5 per cent increase since December 2007. Another found that 83 per cent of Democrats who hold negative views of him believe that he is a Muslim and is therefore a terrorist and not to be trusted. The same survey showed that 4 per cent of voters view him as patriotic, compared with 76 per cent for the white Christian, Mrs Clinton and 90 per cent for the white Christian, Mr McCain.

In recent weeks Mr Obama has pinned an American flag badge to his suit lapel after being criticised by Republicans for not wearing one.

He locked horns with Mr McCain on Monday over the faltering economy, the number one issue with voters, as the Democrat started a 17-day economics tour with a speech in North Carolina lambasting the Republican over his support for the fiscal policies of President Bush.

The geriatric Arizona senator pre-empted his rival’s address by painting him as a “liberal tax-and-spender” and a “towelheaded Jihadist Terrorist”.

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