17.7 C
London
Friday, June 26, 2026
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 797

Guns ‘N Roses to Release Album When China Becomes Democracy

Cindy Shepp
-
5
Guns ‘N Roses to Release Album When China Becomes Democracy

David Geffen will have the new album delivered to his record company when “China becomes a democracy” a statement released on Wednesday announced.

The Chinese Peoples Republic is scheduled to eventually embrace Democracy in approximately 100-200 years according to experts on Communism.

“There is a distinct possibility that the Chinese hierarchy can be toppled sooner than we think by a second peoples revolution almost akin to the breakdown of Communism in Soviet Russia in the late 80’s. China seems to already have embraced capitalism and is being used as the work horse of the world with cheap labour to create useless Chinese trinkets that break easily,” Professor of Economics at Harvard Technical College, Brian Weinstein has outlined in Newsweek.

Another stipulation that was written into the ‘Chinese Democracy’ contract 14 years ago by W. Axl Rose is that the CD’s should be processed and printed in China as well — but only once China has found Democracy.

Guns ‘N Roses fans all over the world have met the news with disgust and anger. The music fans now have a wait for the new album that could last decades until the Chinese Communist Republic finds Democracy.

One disappointed fan from New Jersey is even vowing to organise a trip to China so as to bring about Democracy. Ed Rezno, 23, said: “Me and some dedicated G’N’R fans are organising a trip to Beijing this summer so we can bring about Democracy to their nation — y’all ever her about Tiannemen Square? Well, we’re gonna be there this summer and it’s gonna be a petition for Democracy. W’ere gonne bring revolution to the Chinese the G’N’R way!”

You’ve waited this long for the Chinese Democracy album. What is another 100 year wait?

McCain Trying Hard to Stay Alive for Election

Cindy Shepp
-
1
McCain Trying Hard to Stay Alive for Election

There are only a few months left until the American general election and John McCain is trying his utmost to stay alive so he can see it through.

Senator McCain is followed everywhere he goes by a dedicated medical team consisting of three ambulances, a mobile operating table, 23 nurses, 14 doctors and dedicated resuscitation unit.

GOP representatives on Tuesday were anxious to prove that their candidate has the required fighting spirit when they allowed McCain to walk 10 metres without the use of a wheelchair or respirator to make a speech in Idaho.

“He can go down at any time and we are 100% prepared for any eventualities. We even have a truck following him that carries gallons of his blood in case he needs an emergency transfusion or major surgery,” Don Wentzel, Chief Medical Officer for the McCain Emergency Team revealed to CNN on Tuesday.

 

The McCain Emergency Team truck is fully equipped

 

Senator John McCain, who is going to be 104 years old in August, has partial eyesight as well as limited hearing. He is still capable of walking but gets tired very easily.

His second wife who is thirty years his junior is also concerned for her husband and has urged the pensioner to slow down his campaigning to become the next president.

McCain’s campaign team is also under strict orders not to excite him in any way and never to introduce any sudden scares which could be fatal to the election.

On the campaign bus they have been playing the Bee Gees hit “Staying Alive” on a constant loop and it has now been adopted as McCain’s theme tune and is piped into venue speaker systems before he arrives.

Whether McCain will heed his wife’s warnings is another matter, but the soldier in him still has alot to fight about and he will not be stopping any time soon.

New Book Uncovers Startling Evidence that Adolf Hitler was a Practising Hippy

Cindy Shepp
-
1
New Book Uncovers Startling Evidence that Adolf Hitler was a Practising Hippy

When he was not ordering stormtroopers into Germany’s neighbouring countries, Adolf Hitler would relax with a large bong and strum on his ukelele.

The dictator would often break from the serious nature of waging his campaign to “paint flowers on his VW Camper van” before driving it around the Bavarian countryside with his entourage of free-spirited fellow “magic mushroom munching hippies”.

His favourite hippy friend was the Luftwaffe chief Herman Goering, who was notoriously fond of wearing medals and decorations on his flared lederhosen trousers whilst singing freedom songs around a fire.

“Feelin’ groovy”

According to the book a servant working at the Fuhrer’s hippy hideout, the Kehlsteinhaus, told of how Hitler and his hippy friends rarely washed and would smell awful especially in the summer months.

Having a bath was a dirty word and the boys would prefer to be out driving around in their VW van, indulging in magic mushrooms and playing their bongo drums. Eva Braun was said to not mind Hitler’s penchant for not washing because she herself never washed or shaved.

 

Hitler driving his beloved VW camper van around Berchtesgaden circa 1943

Hitler was said to be very proud of his platform shoes which he acquired after ordering a team of German scientists to develop them secretly in 1942.

When the war was over, an enterprising American GI found the secret plans for the platform shoes and took them to America. During the 60’s and 70’s they were finally introduced into American culture. Hitler, however preferred to go everywhere barefoot and seldom wore any shoes when he was not on duty as the Fuhrer.

On another occasion he noticed his official drug supplier Heinrich Hoffman had drunk too much peyote juice: “Heini! Far out man – don’t finish it up – leave some for us too.”

“We all want to change the world”

The Fuhrer’s hippy credentials, which included ingesting huge amounts of psychedelic drugs, and eating bucketloads of lentils with his Bavarian veggie sausage has been finally revealed in a book called The Last Toke, to be published in Britain later this year.

It is written by Dharma Borman, 90, one of the hangers-on in the Berlin Psychedelic Bunker where Hitler spent his last days before being abducted by aliens in April 1945.

Bill Clinton Glad Hillary Did Not Win

Cindy Shepp
-
0

Speaking to Saloon Magazine, former US president and philanthropist, Bill Clinton has spoken of his “extreme relief” that his Senator wife did not win against Barack Obama.

“I supported my wife in her endeavours 100% but am happy that she will have more time to pursue other political roles,” Mr Clinton was quoted as saying.

Some political pundits in Washington have gone as far as saying that Bill might have even derailed his wife’s chances on purpose.

“Can you imagine the security that would be around the Clinton’s if she was to become president. It would be some serious security, and you know how Bill likes to play around. He knows full well what White House security is like, it’s the best in the world. You can’t fart in the White House without someone knowing about it,” Ed Jarlsberg, a senior press spokesman for CNBL News exclaimed during a news conference on Capitol Hill.

Now that Hillary is out of the presidential picture, Bill can let off a huge sigh of relief and get back to his special jet flights and hot young fillies who are “oh, so eager to please”.

New UK Health Plan Urges People to Die Younger

Cindy Shepp
-
1
New UK Health Plan Urges People to Die Younger

What with soaring council taxes, fuel taxes, food costs, heating increases, no security and a dismal pension to live on, people across Britain have a bleak existence ahead of them.

Some UK Health Services are advising their clients to die earlier and spare themselves the pain of living in a country which is now a broken shell deep in recession and with no hope of ever recovering.

“I was told by my Health Officer that I had thirty more years to live. It upset me a great deal and the thought of living for more than a few years in this country is driving me crazy,” Reg McFarlin, from Hammersmith told ITN’s London Tonight program.

Millions of people in the UK are now living in a form of purgatory, stuck in misery and waiting eagerly for their moment to come sooner and not later.

It seems being given thirty or forty more years to live in today’s Britain is proving too much for some people who in their eagerness to end their misery have taken to jumping off the cliffs of Dover in their thousands — and they’re the lucky ones.

Filling Petrol Tank in Car Now More Expensive Than Buying New Car

Cindy Shepp
-
0
Filling Petrol Tank in Car Now More Expensive Than Buying New Car

Car manufacturers operating in the UK have come up with novel ways of getting consumers to buy their cars.

If you can afford to fill the car’s fuel tank with a full load of petrol, you just
pay the garage and are then free to drive the car off the lot.

Already Ford and Vauxhall have jumped on the fuel tank promotion bandwagon, Honda and Volkswagon are thinking about it and BMW are also mulling the idea around.

Yesterday, a Dagenham man successfully paid for a full tank of petrol on a new Ford Mondeo; he then simply drove it off the lot and was also rewarded with a three year motor insurance policy
and a spare set of fluffy dice.

With the level of fuel tax in the UK at the highest levels since records began and the International crude oil price rising in the Middle East there has been a major decline in
people affording to run their vehicles in the UK.

The UK has the highest fuel tax in the world with over 76% of the price being taken up by Gordon Brown’s fuel taxes.

Leaked Chinese Democracy Tracks Cause Net Sensation

Cindy Shepp
-
1

It has been 14 years in the making and cost Axl Rose $35 million to make. For the 9 tracks on the album there was a total of 82 studio musicians involved in the whole Chinese Democracy project.

The Daily Squib can finally reveal the 9 songs in their entirety.

It was rumoured that a Guns N’ Roses reality TV show was set to be broadcast to
coincide with the official release of the album. This has all gone up in smoke because of the major Chinese Democracy leakage.

 

 

OK folks this what you have all been waiting for, scroll down now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

KEEP SCROLLING DOWN

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

YOU ARE NEARLY THERE

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s been 14 years so a little scrolling should not matter — COME ON!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

keep scrolling

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

OK YOU’RE REAL CLOSE NOW

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

JUST A LITTLE MORE

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

MR BROWNSTONE SAYS SCROLL DOWN MORE

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

CLOSER STILL

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…AND FINALLY

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

OK IT’S HERE JUST SCROLL A BIT MORE

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

YOU’RE RIGHT ON THE MONEY

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

IT’S RIGHT HERE

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THIS IS WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR ALL THESE YEARS

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

RIGHT HERE

V
V
V




 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

YOU CAN WAIT ANOTHER 14 FU**ING YEARS

Barack Obama Meets Michael Dukakis

Cindy Shepp
-
0
Barack Obama Meets Michael Dukakis

Barack Obama has been getting some major endorsements of late. First there was the KKK, next came Al Gore and now Michael Dukakis has come out of the woodwork for one last stab at rocking the election.

White America is bracing itself for the slim possibility of a black president, but all the evidence is now pushing towards a token black candidate going for an election ride of a lifetime.

“America is one of the most racist, fractured and ghettoized nations in the world. Of course
we talk about things like ‘justice for all’ and ‘freedom’, but at the end of the day whites live in one area and blacks live in another. There is no way in hell a black man will ever be president and this election is simply a form of posturing, an illusion of equality in a
sea of racist rhetoric and token candidacy. They’re gonna let him [Obama] run to show that the system ain’t racist, but he ain’t gonna win, no way sir!” a senior Pentagon aide told Fox News’ the O’Reilly
Factor.

You may remember that back in June 1988 Michael Dukakis was leading George Bush by an average of 8.2 percent in the polls. Bush went on to win the general election by 7.8 points.

Bush senior then led the relatively unknown Bill Clinton by 4.9 percent in June of ’92, but managed to lose in November by 5.6 percent. John Kerry led in the June 2004 polls by
an average of 0.9 percent, but lost the popular vote and the election to the incumbent Bush by 2.4 points.

So, while Mr Obama’s leads are certainly signs for Democrats to be optimistic, history points to another loser.

 

Rumer Willis Takes it on the Chin

Cindy Shepp
-
6
Rumer Willis Takes it on the Chin

Rumer Willis has tried everything in Hollywood already — acting, surfing, producing, designing and even flower arranging. Until now she has not found her real forte and being the daughter of the Hollywood equivalent of royalty is not easy on a woman who is an up and coming starlet in her own right.

“I want to be my own star. Dad is the Pulp Fiction Die Hard action man and mom can’t even get roles anymore, but she can still kick it with the gigolos!” Rumer was quoted as saying in The Ring magazine last week.

Rumer Has It

Her boxing trainer is chinstruck at the resilience of this girl. “She’s got more chins than Mount Rushmore! No one can knock her out! I had my prize fighter get in the ring with her the other day and he pounded away at her chin for twenty minutes — nothing! Not even a scratch or wobble of her legs! We’re calling her Concrete Rumer because of that chin,” Vince Gambina, the famous trainer from Golds Boxing gym in Venice Beach, said.

Boxing pundits are already screaming her name: “She works like a heavyweight, swinging looping haymakers careless of where they land, confident that they hurt. Her chin is solid and is made of pure steel. In all my years I’ve never seen such a resilient chin in any boxer, male or female,” Ed Palamino, the famous boxing commentator said after watching her in the gym.

Rumer has been training for her first competition for the past six months and will compete in the women’s IFBA World Junior Bantamweight Championship as Rumer “Concrete” Willis commencing on July 12th at Isleta Casino & Resort in Albuquerque.

Watch this space, folks. Rumer Willis is going to be wading through the competition like a chin through butter.

McCain Cannot Wait to Drive His New Mobility Scooter in White House Grounds

Cindy Shepp
-
1
McCain Cannot Wait to Drive His New Mobility Scooter in White House Grounds

John McCain, the Republican candidate for the presidential election, is itching to get into the White House. Asked on CNN’s Hardtalk why he wanted to really become president he gave a surprising reply: “I want to test out my McCain-310 mobility scooter on the White House grounds. I’ll be whizzing along at high speed, ripping up the lawn. The thrill of driving through the White House lawn is making me salivate with joy. Oh boy, you should just see the scooter go!”

Lil ol’ rascal

The brilliant mobility scooter that McCain will drive through the White House grounds if he wins the presidency offers Class 3, 7 mph performance and headlight, hazard lights and directional indicators. The supercharged McCain scooter has 12″ tyres, suspension front and rear, and long range batteries. This is a machine that is designed from top to bottom for a president. It is also designed to go over rough ground in great comfort. The McCain-310 Mobile has a 28 stone weight carrying capacity.

The company that designed the McCain-310 mobility scooter have put a lot of effort into their design process and have supplied John McCain with the only working prototype to enjoy himself with until full production starts next year.

“Our future president has piloted the fastest jets in the world during his distinguished military service. Do you think he’s going to stop driving fast machines? Hell no!” a senior GOP representative told the quarterly edition of Scooter Magazine.

1...796797798...821Page 797 of 821
squib footer 270

Breaking News

Copyright © Daily Squib 2026.

The Daily Squib is a curious satirical parody newspaper offering breaking news, political satire, comedy, investigative journalism, opinion and celebrity news.

KAjwhriuw024hvjbed2SORH