17.7 C
London
Friday, March 20, 2026
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 797

Tesco to Open Tesco Store in Tesco Store

Hanna Barbara
-
1
Tesco to Open Tesco Store in Tesco Store

Luddington High Street already has three Tesco stores and a further Tesco mini store in a petrol station. With a town’s population of 300 people, Luddington has its fair share of Tesco.

Now, Tesco management have announced the opening of a further Tesco store inside one of the existing Tesco stores.

Every Little Helps

“We needed another Tesco store here so we can get more Tesco value products. It’s going to bring more jobs to the area as well, innit? Eighty percent of the town works for Tesco and now this should up it to ninety eight percent,” Sue MacGregor, 58, a resident of Luddington in Scunthorpe told the Daily Squib from her checkout desk on Thursday.

Tesco Value

Tesco now has so many stores open in Britain that there may not be room for more stores. This has brought panic to the board of directors.

Some towns and cities are even toying with changing their names to Tesco Town or Tesco Village.

Tesco now sells everything that anyone can think of and are now even branching out to selling cut price funerals and cremations. Customers will soon be able to shop in a Tesco store and purchase a cremation in the ovens by the end of their shopping trip. Cremation ovens and chimneys will be located in the rear of all Tesco stores next to the delicatessen.

Onwards and Upwards

Managing Director Sir Terry Leahy spoke to the Daily Squib from his Hertfordshire mansion: “Our long term expansion vision is to open Tesco stores within all existing Tesco stores by 2009. After this we will expand upwards by opening more levels of Tesco stores until each Tesco store has more than thirty or forty Tesco mini stores within every Tesco store. We are committed to bringing diversity to our customers and the UK population, and are always looking to expand our product lines. By next year we are even establishing a Tesco funeral service where customers can look forward to Tesco Value Budget funerals costing only £12.99 including the casket and wreath. Our dedication to our customers is unrivalled within the business and now we are with every customer from birth to death.”

In the UK mainland, where there are over 15 million Tesco stores, this further expansion will indeed increase profits for Tesco shareholders and is sure to bring massive windfalls.

Under its tough but respected chief executive, Sir Terry
Leahy, Tesco is thought to account for five in every eight pounds spent
in Britain’s shops, while it has been expanding abroad rapidly.

Obama Fights Back by Releasing Hillary Photo

Hanna Barbara
-
18
Obama Fights Back by Releasing Hillary Photo

After being smeared by the Clinton’s release of a photo showing a turban headed Obama, white American voters have deserted the Obama vote in droves.

Obama’s campaigners are now fighting back by releasing an old photo of Hillary from the 1970’s.

The photo was taken in a Berkeley California nudist camp early in 1973 when Hillary and Bill had just started to live together during their time at law school.

How the Obama camp came across the picture is a mystery, however this photograph is probably one of many in a series.

“This is truly an incredible find from the Obama team. We have heard that they even have footage of the couple playing ping pong naked in the nudist camp,” a member of the McCain campaign team told the Daily Squib last night.

Hillary is shown in a typical ‘hippy chick’ pose with dark brown hair and a generous smattering of hair under her armpits as was customary in those far flung days. She even has a small tattoo on her chest with some sort of symbol.

“With the release of the topless photos of Hillary, the Barack Obama crew are hoping to destabilise the Clinton confidence. This may however backfire because the pictures show that Hillary is all woman and has a nice pair of jugs and a hot sassy body. Hell i’d even do her but i’d get her to shave first and would have to bag her,”  exclaimed political talkshow host Ed “Blitzer” Wurst on his show for Columbus Ohio station WVZX.

The election primaries are heating up for the Democrats and Hillary Clinton is so confident of a win that the Clinton camp celebrated as if they had won the entire contest last night.

Confetti rained down on Mrs Clinton as she told supporters: “We’re going strong and we’re going all the way.”

Pete Doherty Revealed to be a Fraud

Hanna Barbara
-
3
Pete Doherty Revealed to be a Fraud

Daily Squib Newspaper EXCLUSIVE

The real truth about Pete Doherty and how he has fooled the media and his group of fans for so long.

On the outside Pete Doherty appears to be a crusty, smelly, drug-addled, talentless whiner with horrible teeth and greasy hair matted with oil and dandruff.

With skin blemished with scars, acne, bruises from falling down and nostrils dotted with white specks of cocaine, Pete Doherty looks like a right royal mess. His arms are pockmarked with needle marks and his pallid flesh resembles an old man’s torso lying atop a cold hard mortuary slab.

petedoherty

By looking at Pete Doherty’s druggy image the public would not be wrong in thinking that he only has two or three years left to live. This is where you are all wrong!

The Truth Revealed

For the past few years Peter Doherty has taken to donning a walloping amount of makeup each morning before he ventures from his so-called ‘drug den’.

Makeup artist June Rimbaud has revealed that her job was to make Doherty look like a dishevelled junkie so that he could sell even more of his atrocious albums.

 
June honed her makeup skills working under the tutelage of the legendary SFX genius Tom Savini

 

“They told me to do it. I was paid well for it and could not turn it down. Their assumption was that if people thought he didn’t have much longer to live because of his errant junkie ways they would be more likely to buy his awful music. It’s worked so well that Amy Winehouse’s manager just called me up the other day and asked me if I could paint some mysterious looking bruises on his client’s face. So far it’s worked like a charm and the tabloids have jumped all over Amy’s swollen and bruised features.”

Looks like the PR people were right. Without Doherty’s druggie image he would probably not be able to shift many of his whinging albums off store shelves.

To date, using the Doherty drug image, he has sold roughly 60,000 albums over a period of five years which is considerably more than he would have done with a clean image.

Macrobiotic diet

Pete Doherty has been revealed to be a clean-living vegan who spends 3 hours exercising every day and is a staunch teetotal anti-drug practitioner.

His daily regimen involves getting up everyday at 4.30 am and jogging for five miles. He then heads to his home gym for a further gruelling hour of hard exercise. His nutritionist is usually at his house by 5.30 where they discuss in detail his daily meal plan so that his private chef can prepare the fresh ingredients for his macrobiotic diet in time.

The makeup artist comes to his house at 6.00 am where Doherty undergoes a lengthy makeup session that lasts four hours and includes the use of Hollywood style prosthetic technology.

Pete Doherty’s druggy look is so realistic that he has even fooled his parents and close friends.

The clothes that Pete wears for his daily music appearances are carefully soaked in urine and fresh faeces, usually acquired from the local betting shop toilets.

Pete Doherty has been revealed to be a total fraud and his fans will now be furious with his deception.

“I ain’t buyin’ ‘is fuc*ing music anymore. He’s clean is ‘e? We’ve been cheated!” a disgruntled ex-fan told us yesterday.

The game is over Pete Doherty. You have finally been rumbled.

Councils to Introduce Walking Tripod CCTV Cameras

Hanna Barbara
-
1
Councils to Introduce Walking Tripod CCTV Cameras

Tower Hamlets Councillor Dave Howitt has hailed the new CCTV Tripod scheme as a “jump into the future.”

“These Mobile Monitors will be able to move anywhere independent of all obstacles or pedestrians. They will be operated by our control centres in Coventry and Wolverhampton. A truly cost effective and efficient way of monitoring people.”

The mobile CCTV tripods have been developed by a UK company called 1984 and will be rolled out cheaply to councils across Britain within the next year.

“This is the next stage in our Labour manifesto. We already have the largest number of static CCTV cameras per citizen in the world. Britain is the most surveilled country in the world and even during the Soviet era of Russia and Stalin’s day they did not have as much surveillance as we have now,” a proud official for the council told us.

There are still some areas of Britain that cannot be surveilled and these new mobile CCTV units will fill the gap that the 45 million static cameras cannot.

The Mobile Surveillance units will be able to telescopically increase their height by 40 feet as well as reduce their height to 3 feet. Fitted with hi spec camera lenses, they can zoom into an area from half a mile away. The units will also be fitted with a tannoy address system to speak to citizens.

The mobile surveillance units are run on state of the art fuel cells and need only to be charged once a year.

 

 

“If you drop a piece of litter, the cameras can detect this from half a mile away and will radio for help so that the relevant Stasi official can issue a fixed penalty notice onto the miscreant,” Councillor Dave Howitt added gleefully.

Labour also plans to increase monitoring of people in their homes by 2010 with an increase in home CCTV and bugging surveillance.

A draft white paper has already been proposed in Parliament to increase funding to the Home Surveillance Branch which was set up by Prime Minister Gordon Brown last year.

The cost to the taxpayer for the mobile units is negligible and a recent government operated MORI poll showed that 99% of the British population approved of the increased surveillance on themselves.

“I’m like all other English people. When the Labour Government asks me to bend over and take it, I do. We’re now the most downtrodden, overtaxed, surveilled people in the world and it makes you proud to be British, dunnit?” Joe Burke, 43, who is a resident of Tower Hamlets, told the Daily Squib.

Unelected leader Gordon Brown, who was recently on a trip to China, wowed the Chinese PM with tales of how he has acheived the massive Draconion shut-down of all privacy in the UK.

Communist China still has a long way to go until they get to the British level.

Bill Clinton Portrait Sells at Sotheby’s

Hanna Barbara
-
0
Bill Clinton Portrait Sells at Sotheby’s

The portrait of Bill Clinton painted by celebrated French artist André Gille Rais is called fumer le cigare and was snapped up for a mere $2.3 million by an anonymous phone bidder.

The collection belongs to the Clintons and has been put up for auction so that Hillary can raise more funds for her ailing campaign. She will certainly be glad to be rid of the portrait once and for all.

“We need all the help we can get for Hillary’s campaign; every penny counts,” a desperate looking Hillary Clinton supporter told the Daily Squib.

Last week Barack Obama raised $50 million whilst Hillary raised a paltry $238.65.

Tobias Mayo, the evening’s auctioneer and director of Sotheby’s contemporary art department, said there had been “high-quality hunger from a global audience hungry for US election memorobilia.”

Michael Kohner, a Los Angeles art dealer, said he bid for “purely aesthetic” reasons and hadn’t realised the portrait was of Bill Clinton about to be fellated until after he started bidding.

“That’s when I quit bidding and I had to leave the room because of my nervous twitch. I took some of my medication and then returned.” It certainly is not a good idea to attend an auction with a nervous twitch.

Other items that went under the hammer were a blue dress with a large white stain on it, a box of cigars and a White House memo request for a saucy brunette intern who can suck a golf ball through a hose.

Drudge Report Puts Prince Harry in Afghan Warzone Danger

Hanna Barbara
-
2
Drudge Report Puts Prince Harry in Afghan Warzone Danger


**World Exclusive**

Bungling American sensationalists the Drudge Report have put Prince Harry’s life in danger by revealing that the Prince has been in Afghanistan for the past three months.

The Ministry of Defence was left reeling today by the blatant disregard for the safety of the heroic Prince.

The Prince, a junior officer in the Blues and Royals and third in line to the throne, has been a “magnificent soldier” and an “inspiration to all of Britain,” an MOD spokesman said.

The Drudge Report reveals that the Prince has been holed up in a concrete bunker for three months deep within the bowels of a heavily guarded fortress somewhere in Helmand Province.

Harry is surrounded by his own personal regiment of combat hardy Ghurkas guarding him at all times as well as a regiment of SAS soldiers.

‘Harry the Hero’

Prince Harry has spent the time playing video games on a surveillance system the army dubs ‘Kill TV’.

“The brave Prince is very proficient at the game which involves pinpointing anything that moves on a surveillance drone and calling in an F-16 attack to blow up the target,” reveals Commander James Butterworth.

He has in the last month alone blown up 43 goat herders, a troupe of travelling prosthetic limb salesmen and some endangered peregrine falcons.

Last week the Prince, who was allowed out of the heavily fortified compound for a few hours on a reconnaissance photoshoot, played the part of a brave soldier very well and posed with his gun in the dusty compounds courtyard.

Yesterday a spokesman for Clarence House said: “This is utterly irresponsible behaviour from the American media. It is not good news to hear that Prince Harry will now be in danger in a warzone.”

Prince Harry’s dad is very proud of his son and also comes from an illustrious military heritage. Major James Hewitt was however not available for comment because he had drunk one too many the night before in some Gloucestershire dive.

Prince Harry is a long way away from Boujis and Amika and because of this security breech he may well be reunited with a jug of vodka sooner than he thinks. Huzzah!

Developing…

Michael Jackson Writes Book to Save Neverland

Hanna Barbara
-
2
Michael Jackson Writes Book to Save Neverland

What with dangling babies from hotel rooms and his penchant for pyjama parties with pre-pubescent young boys, you may not think that Michael Jackson is one for writing a book about the art of rearing children. But with the help of a Saudi Prince he has just been published and can now pay off some of his debts.

Michael Jackson’s new book: “The In’s and Out’s of Child Rearing” will be released on March the 3rd.

Neverland Saved

The multi-million dollar advance he will receive from his Saudi backers will hopefully be able to save his beloved Neverland ranch from the creditors.

Prince Al-Waleed Bin Abdul Sultan Bandar III also has good faith that the $25 million advance he has given to Michael Jackson will reap good profits from worldwide sales of Jackson’s new book. The Saudi Prince sympathises with Jackson’s plight and has even let the pop star stay near his camel racing stables in Jeddah where the stable boys and youthful jockeys fawn over the star.

 

The new book will reveal to the world how Michael likes to rear children and how he uses a hands-on approach. Jackson also reveals the first words his child said to him: “Which one’s mummy?” and then “Aaaaaargh!”

Even though Jackson refinanced his $300 million loan from Fortress Investments with help from Sony Music, HSBC and Barclays Bank, his Neverland ranch was not part of the deal and was still under threat.

For Jackson, the fear of losing the ranch that brought him such wonderful memories was a source of great anguish.

Memories like when he blew his first nose and the time he got so drunk on Jesus Juice he ended up staying Home Alone with Macaulay Culkin.

“The In’s and Out’s of Child Rearing” by Michael Jackson will be available through Al Saud Publishing on 3rd March.

Hillary Clinton Shapeshifts LIVE on TV

Hanna Barbara
-
4
Hillary Clinton Shapeshifts LIVE on TV

Hillary Clinton Video Special

During the filming at a private party the Senator was caught with her claws out. Shapeshifters rarely get caught on camera, but this time it was plain for all to see.

Hillary Clinton, who has never been filmed blinking and is a breed unto herself, sometimes has problems holding onto her human form.

Dark Secret

Some experts and members of the scientific community have known for some time that Hillary has a dark secret. Her true shape is only known to a few people in her close knit circle.

“What you see in this video is only a partial human transformation. Hillary has lost control of her human cloak for a few seconds and this is when you see her reptilian claws,” James Brubeck, from the Institute of Mechanical Sciences in Los Alamos, who studied the videos frame by frame told the Daily Squib.

“This is truly amazing stuff. Whoever leaked this video is going to get into deep trouble if they are ever caught.”

Members of her entourage have also revealed Hillary’s terror tactics on unsuspecting Obama supporters. In this account she makes an Obama supporter cower in fear just from one look:

“I’ve seen her [Hillary] look into peoples eyes and they shrink away in pain. She really is not human I tell ya, dang scary. I’ve seen her use her powers to full effect in this campaign by intimidating Obama supporters into submission. All it takes is a quick glance and they usually lose all colour and start to sweat profusely. Some have even choked. It’s like the Darth Vader effect. It’s just like that.”

Coaxing human emotion out of something like Hillary is like trying to get blood out of stone it seems. She does not seem to have human emotions like us and is driven solely by the desire for total power and survival at all cost.

Watch Hillary Clinton’s claws and face shift, subtle changes can be seen.

 

Scientific literature documents reveal that tests were attempted on Hillary Clinton to determine what genus and DNA structure she has. Medical scientists wrote a piece in the Lancet journal last month on creatures who appear outwardly human but who disguise their true forms.

“These creatures have very advanced DNA and genetic structures which can shift shape and colour. An example in the animal kingdom would be certain breeds of chameleons, deep sea squids and jellyfish. We have tried to establish the genus of Hillary Clinton and other politicians but as of yet science is not able to find any creature on earth like them,” Chief Physician Dr. Manolo Brigante wrote in the journal.

With the scientific community bereft of research subjects the discovery of Hillary Clinton is a big find. What distinguishes Hillary from the others is their “superior DNA shapeshifting structures” — an above-average ability to genetically change shape at will, Brigante said.

Obama Vows to Repaint White House

Hanna Barbara
-
0
Obama Vows to Repaint White House

Obama brought his standard themes of hope and unity to his opening events in South Texas, by participating in a line dance event with a country music band called ‘The Good Ol’ Boys’.

He called for the creation of a new Country music venue and Rodeo centre which will rival anything found in Nashville.

“We need a new Rodeo and Country music stadium right here in the Rio Grande Valley,” he said. “People don’t need to be driving 200 miles to hoedown.”

White House Blues

Barack Obama is going from strength to strength and is so confident that his campaign supporters and team are even talking about some of the minor changes they will introduce to the White House once they are instated.

Michelle Obama is going to choose the colour for the White House once they are voted in, and she reiterated the point emphatically to the Daly Squib:

“It’s time the White House got a new lick of paint, and we’re gonna make sure that this time round it’s going to be a good colour and not that pale soulless white.”

For hundreds of years the White House has a had a whitewash whiter than white colour, but soon some commentators have foreseen a much more adventurous colour being painted over the grand facade of the building.

Obama, who has even been endorsed by American white supremacist group the Ku Klux Klan is the new uniter in a land of economic and racial chaos.

Related Articles:

• KKK Endorses Obama

“There may be some resistance to what the Obamas want. We will try to sway them from painting the whole building black, but may come to a compromise — perhaps an off-white grey colour or black and white stripes. We may even consider allowing a white background colour with black polka dots,” a senior Pentagon advisor told us.

There is even talk of introducing good wholesome food to the White House. Levi Seacer, who is the Chef chosen by the Obamas, told the Daily Squib: “George W Bush eats greasy food like cheeseburgers, freedom fries, corndogs, Doritos and is even still learning to read and form words with Alphabet Soup which he finds great fun. But we’re going to change the food that is served in the White House to good wholesome meals and none of that Dubya trash; foods like country fried steak, chitlins, hog maws with rice and greens, corn bread and chow chow. Hmm hmmm, dang good cooking.”

How will the American people react to the change of colour to the White House walls?

In time they will come to accept the colour change and eventually the ‘White House’ will have another name.

Britney Spears Takes Out Restraining Order on Herself

Hanna Barbara
-
0
Britney Spears Takes Out Restraining Order on Herself

Britney’s lawyers today were ordered by herself to put a restraining order on herself.

Judge Al Mannington has agreed that Britney, who has no control of her finances or thought processes, should be restrained from being within 10 metres of herself.

Earlier on in the day Britney tried to put a restraining order on her pet poodle Shitsy.

To date, Britney has put restraining orders on her mother, father, sisters, cousins, uncles, Sam Lutfink, Kevin Cheddarslime and her two kids.

Last week Britney wanted to put a restraining order on Governor
Schwarzenegger, but her lawyers had to tentatively inform her that she
does not know him.

The Los Angeles court system has been brought to its knees with the sheer number of Britney Spears restraining orders that have been processed.

A disgruntled paralegal told the Daily Squib: “Can you imagine the amount of paperwork we have to go through every time Britney wants to put a restraining order on someone? She has the money, so we take it. What can you do?”

The Britney restraining order on herself will go into effect from midnight Sunday. Britney, who does not have any control over her mind or thought processes, will then be ordered to stay away from herself indefinitely.

1...796797798...812Page 797 of 812
squib footer 270

Breaking News

Copyright © Daily Squib 2026.

The Daily Squib is a curious satirical parody newspaper offering breaking news, political satire, comedy, investigative journalism, opinion and celebrity news.

KAjwhriuw024hvjbed2SORH