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China Unveils New Olympic Event

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Tibetan Monk Tossing will be the new Olympic event introduced by the Chinese host nation. Communist party leaders announced the new event at a news conference on Wednesday.

When asked how the new event will be integrated into the Olympics event roster at such a late stage, Chinese Olympics chief Xiang Xzing Xzamalama Ding Dong exclaimed: “This is an opportunity for Tibet to join the Orympics here in Chinese Orympic contest! The new state event will be forcibry enforced onto all Orympic participating nations. If you refuse to throw a Tibetan monk you will be refused participation in all other Chinese State Orympic events and will be detained and beaten with heavy sticks.”

The Tibetan monks which the Chinese propose to use for the event are fresh from Lhasa – now a burning smouldering wasteland.

The peace-loving monks and people of Tibet have been brutally oppressed with violence and torture by the occupying totalitarian Chinese Communist regime since 1950.

China’s Communist party officials were eager to show solidarity with International Olympic officials by demonstrating a Tibetan Buddhist Monk Toss event yesterday.

“They wheeled the poor monk out in a wheelchair. He had bruises all over him from the constant beatings that the Chinese mete out on an hourly basis. The monk was then lifted by a big burly Chinese man in a yellow leotard. He swung the poor monk round and round and tossed him like the hammer event,” a shocked IOC member from Austria told the Daily Squib.

After the Monk Toss event was completed there were loud and triumphant cheers from the Chinese party officials and the poor old monk was stretchered off, never to be seen again.

The Chinese officials tried to appease the situation afterwards by giving out cheaply produced toxic plastic trinkets and bottles of Chinese mineral water laced with raw untreated sewage to the assembled international entourage.

Heather Mills to Give All Winnings to Charity

Heather Mills has exonerated herself from being called a money grabbing gold digger today at the high court.

After winning a whopping £25.8 million, which equates to £700 per hour whilst married to Sir Paul McCartney, the one legged former glamour model announced on the court steps that she will be giving every penny to charity because she was never “in it for the money.”

Heather then told the press that the next chump she finds will be “paying £1000 per hour for my services.”

Amongst a media frenzy that would rival a Beatles reunion, the triumphant Heather Mills stood on the court steps and an aura of goodness seemed to emanate from her very being.

“I was looking at Heather and it was as if she was glowing with goodness, almost like Mother Teresa. She floated above the ground and when she smiled I felt I was looking at a saint,” a stunned onlooker told the Daily Squib.

Heather had originally attempted to gain £125 million to give to charity but was unluckily brought down by the miserly Paul McCartney to a mere £25.8 million.

“I was not seeking any of this money for myself. I actually do not like money at all and I do not need a lot to live,” Heather opined on the court steps.

This goes to show that every cloud has a silver lining and that there really are pros with hearts of gold out there.

Secrets of Michael Douglas’ Youth Revealed

Michael Douglas and his much younger wife are a picture of Hollywood glamour walking down Malibu beach as the sun sets over the Pacific ocean.

To look this good costs money, we hear you say. Well, yes, it does. It costs a lot of money, but it is worth every penny.

Excerpts from next month’s edition of Hello magazine reveal the immense lengths that some Hollywood people resort to when fighting the specter of encroaching age upon their huge egos.

Renowned Hollywood Doctor Conrad Franken reveals how Michael Douglas is fooling everyone with his youthful boyish looks:

“The big secret in Hollywood at the moment is a groundbreaking technique which has really hit its stride. We’re talking about a substance that can rejuvenate people who should not even be alive. Treatment can cost an arm and a leg, but it’s worth it.”

We continue to ask the good Doctor what the secret ingredient is. “It’s something that is used in certain industries exclusively and we have simply adopted it into our own. Yes folks, the secret ingredient is (drum roll) — Formaldehyde.”

The procedure that all of Hollywood has been raving about is actually an embalming technique that is commonly used in funeral parlours throughout the world.

Michael Douglas’ face is pumped full of Formaldehyde each morning to keep his flesh from further decomposing. This solution preserves the human tissue and prevents any flacidity of the wasting flesh.

“After the celebrity is pumped up with a Formaldehyde solution a professional embalmer attends to the client and utilises specific makeup techniques to further the youthful illusion,” Doctor Franken exclaimed.

The cost for this daily procedure is $5,000 per three hour session, but most people believe that this is a small price to pay for the appearance of looking alive. It’s a miracle worker for people like Joan Rivers.

“We can work wonders when it comes to changing the appearance of someone’s face, but haven’t yet figured out how to fix their ageing, decrepid bodies so that they match their Formaldehyde injected faces. But it’s only a matter of time before medical science comes up with a solution for that too.”

Lord Goldsmith Calls for ‘Britishness’ Day and Oaths to the EU

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A new public holiday should be introduced to celebrate Britishness, a review commissioned by unelected controller in chief Gordon “Velcro” Brown.

The report by former Blair-ite war criminal and sycophant Lord Goldsmith outlines the many values that Britishness conveys to the rest of the world.

“We as a nation should be proud of the daily thug violence, no police, high taxes, expensive cost of living, low quality of life, chronic overcrowding, pollution, crumbling transport infrastructure, chavs, hoodies, poor education and criminally abandoned hospitals and prisons. We should be proud of paying 80% on fuel duty which makes the UK one of the highest fuel tax countries in the world. We should be proud of governmental incompetence on a grand scale. A land bereft of hope where our supreme unelected leader Gordon Brown makes all decisions for us and bypasses any democratic process. A land where the cost of living is rising every second, where the mortgage hell of living in this overpriced cesspit overflowing with big brother surveillance cameras and traffic revenue generators stinks to highest heaven.

The peer said Britain epitomises the term “toilet country” and it was his job to bring in more fecal pride and “Britishness”.

Lord Goldsmith – who was commissioned by the unelected Prime Minister to look at the issue of British citizenship – also proposed changes to the current categories of citizenship, which he says will “promote the meaning and significance of citizenship within modern Britain”.

His recommendations also aim to encourage wider participation in “re-education” services which will program citizens further.

Lord Goldsmith’s chief brainwashing proposals include:

•  A new British national day, to coincide with the Labour Olympics and the European Union in 2012
•  Ceremonies in which schoolchildren swear oaths of allegiance to EU directives and governing allegiance of Brussels
•  Cutting out the national anthem and replacing it with the EU anthem
•  A major overhaul of “archaic” British laws to make room for the all inclusive EU directives
•  Language loans for people who cannot afford Polish lessons

Lord Goldsmith wants the national day to be a similar celebration to Australia Day, Bastille Day in France, the July 4 celebrations in the United States were considered “too backward”.

Mr Brown is understood to be keen for a new public holiday but, unlike Lord Goldsmith, favours focusing on the country’s good points – like football hooliganism, being glassed in a pub on a Friday night, drunk and drugged up 9 year olds happy slapping commuters, under age pregnancy and abortions, alcopops and benefits cheats playing playstations whilst wacked out on skunk on a Monday morning.

A petition on the Downing Street website for a holiday to mark the contribution of hoodies, chavs, thugs and crazed Eastern European sex trafficking gangs has attracted more than 500,000 supporters.

Lord Goldsmith says in his report: “A national day would also provide the ideal setting for a special Violent Offenders Honours List, which focuses exclusively on the achievements of thugs who maim and torture ordinary citizens every day of their lives.”

This would be “the catalyst for a positive and celebratory new image of thuggery and Britishness.”

 
A British teen playing in the park

 

 

Despite previously criticising the words of the National Anthem for not being inclusive enough, Lord Goldsmith does not propose changing it to Polish and Lithuanian yet.

Ed Balls, who drives a £200,000 Socialist Bentley Arnage and is the right hand man of unelected PM Gordon Brown, spoke of his wish for a tax on “Britishness” so that “the people that pay for my vast Socialist riches can truly value their British pride”.

Since becoming unelected Prime Minister, Gordon Brown has been keen to push a Britishness agenda after signing away all laws to Brussels and refusing an EU referendum or any democratic discussion on the matter.

The review follows the Call Yourself British campaign by The Peoples Daily Telegraph which is now under the control of supreme unelected leader Brown and his agents.

Currently in Britain, British people have almost 450 taxes and 289 ‘stealth taxes’ on each person and the supreme unelected Prime Minister proposes a further tax on Britishness to show how patriotic citizens really are.

“We will tax you for Britishness and you will obey and be taxed for the honour and privilege.”

Those who show that they are “active citizens” could be nominated to join a “Citizens Corps” which would be viewed favourably by employers.

“If you are honoured comrades..ahem..I mean citizens, you will be honoured with a citizen trophy depicting a hoody urinating on an OAP who was just violently beaten up,” unelected Prime Minister Gordon Brown told the Daily Squib.

Eco-Friendly Suicide Belts Being Used in Iraq

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Terrorists in Iraq are becoming more eco-conscious and have introduced the next generation of ‘Green suicide belts’ onto the battlefield.

Sheik Bin Abu Ayham is the mastermind behind the eco-belts, as he likes to call them.

“We want to look after the planet. Everything in the belt is recycled and is built from sustainable organic materials. Even the nails were recycled from the last bombing and the pieces of cloth were woven in an eco-friendly sustainable farm in the Cotswalds. I’m afraid we could not recycle Mahmoud the suicide bomber though, because we could only find a few bits of him.”

Made from durable, waterproof soy polymer and eco-sustainable hemp cloth, these groovy, eco-chic suicide vests are lightweight and portable.

Suicide bombers are also offsetting their carbon emmisions by purchasing carbon credits and emulating their hero Al Gore.

The Daily Squib asked the Sheik if the 72 virgins are also recycled once the bomber goes to Islamic heaven.

“There is definitely no recycling of virgins in heaven, my friend. Once a bomber has done Allah’s bidding he spends eternity having fun. It’s hymen heaven I tell you.”

Islamic terrorism has never been so trendy and with the new eco-friendly suicide belts there is no threat to the environment.

New Study Reveals Junk Food Good for You

Eating is a natural part of life. But according to some researchers, some types of food eaten – namely sugary and fatty foods – are better for you than so-called healthy foods.

The idea that junk food is unhealthy has been claimed in a number of newspapers with headlines such as: “Fast food can be as bad as heroin and cocaine, claims new research”, “Burgers are like smoking crack”, “Sugar and fat ‘as addictive as meth’ researchers say”, and “Junk food is bad bad bad”.

These scare-mongering headlines appear to have been triggered by a media blitz on our beloved junk food industry looking for sensational fear-inducing news soundbites to chew on. Johnson Banzhaffer, professor of law at George Washington University, details why the public should be weary of such media hype. He puts forward his argument that there is mounting evidence that fast food is actually good for you. He points to various pieces of research that originally appeared in an article in the New Scientist magazine in February 2003.

“There is mounting evidence from the scientific and academic community that eating large doses of junk food is the key to a long and healthy life.”

 

 

A number of studies have been carried out in rats to look at processed foods and their benefits. Dr. Anne Selley, professor of neuroscience at Tacoma Community College together with Juillaro Wilson, has been studying rats and diet for a number of years. One study found that a high-fat diet appears to alter the brain biochemistry to radically increase intelligence levels. They say this is due to the increased levels of various monoamines — namely dopamine in the striatum and nucleus accumbens, noradrenalin in the hypothalamus and ventrolateral preoptic nucleus, and serotonin in the amygdala and frontal cortex.

While the co-administration of a dopamine antagonist is known to decrease the stimulant effect of amphetamine, it does not negate the wakefulness-promoting actions of eating vast amounts of junk food.

Eating junk food also activates glutamatergic circuits while inhibiting GABAergic neurotransmission.

According to Dr. Anne Selley, rats “love the high-fat food and they eat and eat. We found there are actually huge intelligence strides that are elicited by exposure to a chronic high-fat diet.” She believes that it is possible to compare the findings about rats to humans, making it very plausible that humans can benefit from high-sugar and fatty foods also.

“Those particular types of food – the fat and the sugar – are really the key to all longevity and intelligence,” she said. “They’re responsible for the behavioural changes that manifest, and also the brain changes that look like genius levels of intelligence. When I eat a cheeseburger and fries I immediately feel the synapses sparking up and
my cognition enhanced to a very high level.

Bartholemew D. Scheisse, a neuroscientist from Princeton University, led a similar study into sugar benefits which was published in the journal Neuroscience Research in June 2002. Again, rats were used and were gradually fed a diet with increasing amounts of sugar. The more sugar given the quicker the rats solved major puzzles, and when it was suddenly withdrawn from their food they experienced “dumbing down” reactions such as bumping into walls, looking bored and staring vacantly into space.

According to Scheisse, sugar triggers the production of the brain’s natural monoamines. “We think that is a key to the increased intelligence process,” he said. “The brain is sparking up synapses and making new neural connections every time you indulge in fatty sugary processed junk foods.”

“The implication,” he added, “is that animals and people can increase their life expectancy and intelligence levels on sweet food, particularly if they periodically binge on large amounts of the stuff. Eating pizza, burgers, twinkies, Doritos, Taco Bell and a greasy chop at Black Angus will make you into a walking genius rivalling brain boxes like Einstein and Stephen Hawking.”

More studies in rats by Dr. Munter Leibowitz, a neurobiologist at Tucson University, showed that exposure to fatty foods might reconfigure the neural system to want more knowledge. Her studies have shown that rats fed on a high-fat diet become more insistent on solving complicated puzzles which included complicated mathematical algorithms. Eating high fat processed junk food is the key to healthy living.

Junk Food

Here are some tips to enjoy eating junk food so that its benefits can be fully realised.

1) Drink two litres of a high sugar soda drink before eating junk food. This will keep your brain dosed up with sugar and ready to receive even more sugar.

2) Do not order an iced tea or fresh fruit juice. Instead, order colas or aerated drinks.

3) Avoid fresh fruit, vegetables, rice or fish like the plague. Ask for extra servings of fried foods and high fat sugary processed foods instead.

4) When eating junk food like burgers and pizza, be sure to add extra mayonnaise, ketchup or anything else you can find with high fat levels.

5) Do not chew your food – just suck it down. Rushing is good. This will help you to eat more junk food in one session.

6) While dessert is usually eaten after a meal, why not enjoy your dessert before AND after the main junk food meal? Try to indulge on monstrous sundaes, brownies, gooey fudge and large dollops of processed cream as often as you can.

7) Junk food contains a lot of fat and sodium. To increase your intake, it is best to drink a lot of colas and sugary soda.

Hope these seven pointers help the next time you feel like indulging in more healthy junk food.

A C T I O N    P O I N T S

If you think you might be avoiding eating large amounts of sugar or fat, try increasing portion sizes gradually.

Try to eat a healthy fat and sugar-balanced diet as often as you can.

If you feel you could have a problem with not eating enough junk food, seek the help of a qualified junk food manufacturer or speak to your local fast food restaurant.

Shock as Politician Linked to Prostitution

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A US politician has been linked to prostitution.

This comes with news that the Pope has been linked to Catholicism and that bears are linked to large steaming mounds of shit in the woods.

Eliot Spitzer, otherwise known as “client 9” must have rubbed someone up the wrong way in more ways than one. That’s why they took out the tapes to show ‘joe public.’

We’re wondering in the Squib offices what the Governor did so wrong to be made a fool of in such a way?

Some other links of note: The sky is linked to the colour blue, the British Royals are linked to Germany and George W Bush is linked to the chimpanzee (twice removed).

Chinese Olympic Swimming Event Under Fire

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The capacity for the Beijing Olympic pool may have to be increased from 300,000 to 575,000 athletes to accomodate the Chinese swimming contingent .

This increase in capacity has not however taken into account teams from the rest of the world attending and may be upped by a further 12,000.

Olympic diving teams will also have more room to manouvre.

“It’s not easy diving into a pool from 30 feet up with 45,000 people already in the water,” exclaimed Xiao Xing Xang Xong, who is the great medal hope for the Chinese diving team.

Last week three Olympic divers were severely injured when they dived into the pool and hit other swimmers. Thankfully there have only been five deaths in the last month, and the sheer number of swimmers compensates for any inevitable losses.

“Have you ever been in a pool where the urine slick from 60,000 swimmers goes up your nose or in your mouth? I have and it ain’t pretty,” American three time gold medallist Brad Rebo who was attempting to train at the Olympic facility yesterday told the Daily Squib.


The Chinese Olympic swimming team trains for the coming event in August

 

Yesterday in Beijings thick atmosphere full of heavy lead particles and phosphates, there was a mild show of discontent from some of the Chinese athletes on the

The Beijing Olympic marathon and cycling route has also come under fire for the narrowness of the highway

issue of overcrowding but the protest was nipped in the bud with the savage beating and imprisonment of the protestors from the assembled Chinese Olympics police force.

There have also been concerns over the chemical content of the Chinese Olympic pools.

A swimmer who tested one of the Olympic pools yesterday had to be hospitalised after dipping his toe in the water only to see it dissolve into nothingness in front of everyone. The distraught swimmer was stretchered off and may have to miss the Olympics all together.

Testing has now begun to resolve the chemical content of all the pools, obviously the chemicals will not be tolerated by other nations participating in the games and Chinese party leaders are racing to decrease the chemical pollution of all of its water supplies to the pools.

“If swimmers from other nations perish in the toxic waters it will not look good for our nation,” a Chinese Oympics official told the Daily Squib.

Most water supplies in China are contaminated with raw sewage so there is no choice but to have huge amounts of toxic chemicals in the water which of course increase pollution levels further.

The 29th Olympiad that is coming up this August in Beijing will be a major test for many athletes because of the adverse polluted conditions they will have to deal with.

The marathon and cycling routes have also come under fire for not being wide enough.

Gert Blatters from the Olympic Standards Board had some reassuring words to say in the Olympic village: “There is nothing to worry about. Everything is under control.”

Mr Blatters has since been taken ill with severe toxic poisoning after drinking some bottled water at the news conference.

US Marine Wins Annual Iraqi Puppy Toss Contest

The 5th Iraqi Puppy Toss Contest was held this year in Samarra, an Iraqi religious hotspot about 124 km north of Baghdad. The event was a huge success for the American troops attending.

“This is how we keep our men’s morale up. It’s a hard job killing and shooting innocent civilians every day. This way the men get to unwind for a few hours by hurling little defenceless puppies over cliffs instead of defenceless Iraqi civilians,” Major Christian Portman told the Daily Squib.

The occupying US soldiers are notorious in Iraq for treating Iraqis like sub-human Untermenschen and it is no surprise that they do not treat defenceless animals any better.

George W Bush and his paymaster industrialists are also responsible for the largest displacement of peoples in the Middle East in a thousand years, the deaths of millions of Iraqi civilians and the largest spread of depleted uranium in recorded history.

 

 

The Puppy Toss competition began at midday. Under the beating Iraqi sun a troop of Marines and assorted army personnel descended to the edge of the cliff where the competition was to be held.

Private Meat Johnsons is up first and tosses a whimpering little white puppy into the ravine. He manages a 40 yard throw and is top of the leaderboard.

Next, Sergeant Pat McGraw steps up and tosses a little Labrador all of 30 yards into the deep ravine. He is behind the leader now.

It is now the turn of Lance Corporal David Motari who tosses with confidence a little puppy called Sonny 50 yards to win the prize.

The black-and-white puppy makes a yelping sound as it flies through the air towards its certain demise.

The audience of assembled marines lap up the show and pat the triumphant Lance Corporal on the back dubbing him a credit to the USMC.

Dick Cheney, who regularly tosses puppies in the air on shooting trips, addressed the competition winners from a satellite broadcast later on in the day:

“The United States is proud of you guys for your bravery and courage. It takes a lot to do all the things you guys do while we profit off misery and pain,” said the former chief executive of Halliburton, who still has not exercised his massive stock options. He then lit a huge cigar and started laughing maniacally.

The winner of the US Marine competition was awarded a puppy-shaped trophy and given $250 as prize money so he can buy some more hookers when he gets back to base.

White Killer Whale Spotted

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“This is an amazing find, the creature is very old and a slow mover so we had no problem photographing it,” said Samantha Flowers, a research biologist with the National Skull and Bones Laboratory in Harvard who photographed the rarity. “It was quite neat to find it. The killer whale may have been old but it still had an aggressive streak in it and took a chunk out of our keel.”

The whale was spotted last month while scientists aboard the Herbert Walker—a Gas Oil Petroleum (GOP) research ship—were conducting an acoustic survey of deep sea oil fields, near Steller sea lion haul-out sites.

“This is the first time we came across a white killer whale,” agreed Al Gore, a research biologist at GOP’s Alaska Plutocracy Center in Seattle.

Flowers said the slow old white whale stood out.

“When you first looked at it, it was very white,” she said Thursday.

While the whale’s combover area was white, other parts of its body had a subtle off-white greyish colour, suggesting it was very old, maybe 70 years old, Gore said.

The whale was spotted about two miles (three kilometers) off Kanaga Volcano where it is reputed there is a tap dancing chimp on the loose.

It appeared to be a very old, adult male about 25 to 30 feet (7 to 9 meters) long and weighing as much as 10,000 pounds (4,500 kilograms).

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