A voice coach and singing instructor to the stars was beaten violently in front of the cameras by Amy Winehouse over the weekend.
Amy Winehouse was in the middle of her set and slurring her words so badly that she couldn’t even be saved by her beloved Antares Autotuner. Some audience members likened her ‘singing’ to the sound of a “mortally wounded cat in heat” and others commented on her “Thorazine shuffle” as she limped around the stage.
“Sometimes her eyes would roll back in their sockets just exposing the whites, or one eye would roll up whilst the other eye stared ahead vacantly. She brought up some phlegmy froth during the second song and spat it into an engineer’s beer glass and then started laughing like a maniac when he drank from it. Her third song saw her shuffling around the stage and mumbling incoherently whilst waving her bony rear at revellers. We don’t know what the brown substance trickling down her leg was, but it seems the hospital did not supply poor Amy with enough nappies for the night,” music journalist for Melody Maker magazine, Arthur Bevel-Cardigan Johnsons reported.
It was only when the ailing celebrity got down off the main stage and decided to sing her hit song “Rehab” to the audience that things got dangerous.
Glastonbury concert goer Andrew Loog Masterson is an accomplished vocal coach and has coached many stars of the stage and pop world. He was at the front of the stage when Amy trudged towards him mewling like an inhuman animal with its leg caught in a trap.
“Before any Amy Winehouse fans send me any nasty letters, I would just like to say that I did not provoke her in any way. I simply asked her if she would like some singing lessons. That’s when she elbowed me and whacked my eye with her fist. She then told me that she is the best “fakkin'” singer in the “fakkin'” world and then continued moaning incoherently.”
Mr Masterson then went on to add: “At the end of the day it is all part of being at the front and being pushed by thousands of people. It is all part of the Glastonbury experience. I’m just pleased I got to see her before she finally croaks. Not everyone can say they have been hit by Amy Winehouse.”
The fracas was put to an abrupt end by security guards ordered into the violent scene by Glastonbury owner Michael Eavis who had nothing but praise for the celebrity Winehouse.
“If it wasn’t for everyone coming to see the trainwreck that is Amy Winehouse before she finally pops her clogs then I would’ve been out of a few quid. As it is, no one came here to see the headliner R’n’b artist Jay-Z and his sampler on stage – they came to see the trainwreck celebrity. Thank you Amy for being such an entertaining drug- addled loser,” Mr Eavis said.
Mr Eavis would like to book Amy Winehouse for next year’s Glastonbury, but the probability of her still being around then is extremely slim.