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Church of England to Ban Bibles From Churches

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Church of England to Ban Bibles From Churches

The woke progressive “diversity, equity and inclusivity” controlled C of E (Church of England) is to ban all Christian bibles from churches in England and Wales due to the fact that the man-made book includes “hate speech” towards the LGBTQP+ community and is not inclusive towards the transgender sector.

“The Christian bible, is an affront to the woke LGBTQP+ cult that has infiltrated every part of Britain. We must throw the bible out of our churches because it is outdated, written by people who actually thought there were only two genders. This is disgusting. We in the church accept all sins and deviant acts that the bible forbids. The bible apparently was the word of “god”. Well, the church now says that the “word” of god was wrong! Excuse me, I have an appointment with some choir boys who need to be baptised by the holy seed in the vestry,” Reverend Dingledangle of the Grimsuckle diocese said about the new church policy.

The church is set to activate the ruling in April where all copies of the Christian bible will be purged from all churches in England, Wales. Some clergy have voiced their concerns, but were unanimously cancelled.

Here are some passages from the Bible that have caused such a stir to the C of E clergy:

Leviticus 18:22 ~ You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination.

Leviticus 20:13 ~ If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall surely be put to death; their blood is upon them.

Jude 1:7 ~ Just as Sodom and Gomorrah and the surrounding cities, which likewise indulged in sexual immorality and pursued unnatural desire, serve as an example by undergoing a punishment of eternal fire.

Romans 1:26-28 ~ For this reason, God gave them up to dishonourable passions. For their women exchanged natural relations for those that are contrary to nature; and the men likewise gave up natural relations with women and were consumed with passion for one another, men committing shameless acts with men and receiving in themselves the due penalty for their error. And since they did not see fit to acknowledge God, God gave them up to a debased mind to do what ought not to be done.

Genesis 2:24 – Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

Mark 10:6-9 ~ But from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female.’ ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”

1 Corinthians 6:9-10 – Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.

1 Timothy 1:8-11 ESV – Now we know that the law is good, if one uses it lawfully, understanding this, that the law is not laid down for the just but for the lawless and disobedient, for the ungodly and sinners, for the unholy and profane, for those who strike their fathers and mothers, for murderers, the sexually immoral, men who practice homosexuality, enslavers, liars, perjurers, and whatever else is contrary to sound doctrine, in accordance with the gospel of the glory of the blessed God with which I have been entrusted.

1 Corinthians 7:2 – But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.

2 Corinthians 5:17 – Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

1 Kings 15:12
He expelled the male shrine prostitutes from the land and got rid of all the idols his ancestors had made.

Romans 1:32
Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.

Romans 1:27
In the same way, the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed shameful acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their error.

Leviticus 18:22-24
22 “ ‘Do not have sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman; that is detestable.
23 “ ‘Do not have sexual relations with an animal and defile yourself with it. A woman must not present herself to an animal to have sexual relations with it; that is a perversion.
24 “ ‘Do not defile yourselves in any of these ways, because this is how the nations that I am going to drive out before you became defiled.

Leviticus 20:13
If a man has sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They are to be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads.

American Censored After Berating EU Censorship

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American Censored After Berating EU Censorship

An American politician who dared to berate EU officials and apparatchiks about the authoritarian censorship in Europe and especially the UK was censored by the same apparatus that the American tried to convince to stop all the censoring.

“Ve vill not be lectured to by an American Schweinhund about our censoring. He has been ein cancelled and ein censored! Fahr zur Hölle! Go backen to your American Scheißloch and leave us to do what we do here!” an EU Commission representative told the conference after the American was led out.

The EU and UK take their censorship very seriously because it is all part of the woke Marxist doctrine which are remnants of the Soviet Union, especially after the Berlin Wall fell and all the East German communists were incorporated into the EU framework. Mentioning no names– ahem, Angela…

“There is no censorship in ze EU, ve allow all forms of human expression and freedom of speech when it suits our socialist woke hyper-sensitive politically correct propaganda purposes,” another nameless and unelected EU official revealed before disappearing into the shadows from whence he appeared like some fucked up kind of sinister wraith.

As for the UK, it has doubled/tripled down on wokery especially after a certain orange gentleman was elected across the pond. If Britain were to get more woke, it would disappear up the Arschloch of wokery and brush its own teeth.

Here’s to wokery, wokism, censorship and cancellation.

Another Rachel Reeves Victim: Cancer Charity Axes Quarter of Staff – Barely Functioning

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Another Rachel Reeves Victim: Cancer Charity Axes Quarter of Staff – Barely Functioning

The flagship financial hardship scheme that provides millions of pounds in grants to thousands of patients has been scrapped by Macmillan Cancer Support. The crucial charity is another Rachel Reeves victim of her punitive Labour budget of anti-growth and economic destruction.

A tough Labourite financial climate has led to drastic changes to safeguard its future and ensure it can still support the most vulnerable cancer patients, according to the UK’s most popular charity.

Macmillan ended up in this position thanks to the punitive anti-growth policies of Chancellor of the Exchequer Rachel Reeves, and now the closure of its 100-year-old hardship scheme will affect those patients most in need of support.

The Damage to Crucial Cancer Support

  • 50,000 low-income cancer patients a year with less than £1,000 in savings will lose access to £200 hardship grants with the closure of the scheme.
  • Macmillan has spent, £100m more than it raised over the last six years.
  • In 2024, Macmillan told 1,200 staff – about 60% of its workforce – they were at risk of redundancy, with 431 leaving.

Donate to Macmillan Cancer Research

As the UK’s top cancer support provider, demand for Macmillan’s support and advice is growing. The number of people diagnosed with cancer has soared amid better awareness of symptoms and successful NHS initiatives to spot and treat cancer earlier, as well as a growing and ageing population.

Macmillan, founded 114 years ago, also plays a key role in NHS provision, funding 11,000 specialist cancer nurses and care workers. It also provides specialist financial and emotional support to more than 130,000 people with cancer each year.

The charity asserts that the challenging financial environment has necessitated significant reductions in its workforce and services in order to ensure its “long-term financial viability.” Meanwhile, more businesses and charities across Britain are now simply another statistic, another sad Rachel Reeves victim in a long list of casualties.

Six Work Environments That May Lead to Cancer Over Time

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Six Work Environments That May Lead to Cancer Over Time

Certain workplaces expose employees to hazardous substances that may increase their cancer risk over time. From industrial sites to office buildings, prolonged exposure to chemicals, radiation, or pollutants can have serious health consequences. Understanding these high-risk environments is crucial for prevention and early detection.

In this article, we will explore six work settings linked to long-term cancer risks, helping workers stay informed and take proactive steps for protection.

1. Industrial and Manufacturing Plants

Prolonged exposure to hazardous substances such as asbestos, benzene, formaldehyde, and heavy metals in industrial and manufacturing settings poses significant cancer risks. Workers in these environments often inhale toxic fumes, handle carcinogenic chemicals, or come into contact with radioactive materials. This increases their likelihood of developing lung, bladder, or blood cancers.

As per the CDC, numerous exposures may lead to increased cancer risk, including industrial exposures. Approximately 2-8% of all cancers globally are caused due to long-term exposures to carcinogens in the workplace. Lung cancer was the most prevalent cancer worldwide in 2022. Specific industrial settings and tasks that increase the chances of lung cancer are rubber manufacturing, roofing, paving, painting, and chimney sweeping.

Poor ventilation, inadequate protective gear, and long work hours further heighten exposure risks. Without strict safety protocols, employees may unknowingly inhale or absorb these dangerous substances, leading to severe health complications that manifest years after initial exposure.

How can factory workers ensure they are not unknowingly exposed to hazardous substances?

Factory workers can protect themselves by wearing proper personal protective equipment (PPE) and following safety protocols. They must ensure adequate ventilation in their work environment. Regular training on hazardous materials, routine health checkups, and staying informed about workplace risks can also help minimize exposure. Advocating for stricter safety regulations and proper handling of toxic substances can further reduce health risks.

2. Construction and Demolition Sites

These sites expose workers to hazardous materials like asbestos, silica dust, and lead. Constant exposure to these materials increases the risk of lung cancer, mesothelioma, leukemia, and other serious illnesses. Asbestos is the major cause of mesothelioma.

A study by BMC Public Health found that the total number of fatalities due to occupational exposure to asbestos increased by 20.2% from 1999 to 2019. Approximately 80% of Mesothelioma cases are due to asbestos exposure.

Asbestos has a long incubation period, which is why it takes several years for the disease to emerge even after the exposure stops.

Inhalation of other airborne toxins from cutting, drilling, and demolishing structures makes proper protective measures essential. These sites generate massive amounts of waste, including concrete, wood, and metal debris, which can release harmful pollutants. Without proper disposal and safety protocols, both workers and nearby communities face long-term health risks from exposure to toxic dust and environmental contamination.

3. Firefighting and Emergency Response

Firefighting and emergency response roles expose workers to extreme heat, smoke, and hazardous chemicals, increasing their risk of developing cancer over time. One major concern is aqueous film-forming foam (AFFF), a chemical-based suppressant widely used since the 1960s to combat fuel fires.

AFFF was highly effective in smothering flames by creating a barrier, making it a standard in the military, aviation, and industrial firefighting. However, it contained per- and poly-fluoroalkyl substances (PFAS), known as “forever chemicals.” According to TorHoerman Law, these chemicals are known as forever chemicals due to their persistence in the environment and the human body.

Long-term exposure to PFAS has been linked to kidney and testicular cancer, leading to legal action against manufacturers. Many affected firefighters have filed a firefighter foam lawsuit to seek compensation for health damages caused by PFAS exposure. The lawsuit alleges that the manufacturers knew about the health hazards but failed to warn the firefighters and the public.

Are there specific decontamination protocols to reduce chemical exposure after a fire?

Yes, firefighters follow specific decontamination protocols to reduce chemical exposure after a fire. These include removing contaminated gear, using wet wipes to clean exposed skin, and taking thorough showers as soon as possible. Proper laundering of protective equipment and ventilation of fire stations also help minimize long-term toxic exposure risks.

4. Healthcare and Laboratory Work

Hazardous chemicals, radiation, and infectious agents pose major health risks to healthcare and laboratory workers due to frequent exposure. Handling chemotherapy drugs, formaldehyde, and disinfectants can increase the likelihood of developing leukemia or other cancers. Many times, bacterial infections within healthcare settings can also lead to cancer.

Also, long-term exposure to X-rays and radioactive materials without proper shielding poses serious health risks. Laboratories also contain volatile organic compounds and biohazards that can be inhaled or absorbed through the skin. Without strict safety protocols, PPE, and proper ventilation, healthcare and lab professionals remain vulnerable to long-term occupational health hazards.

5. Agriculture and Pesticide Handling

Agricultural workers and pesticide handlers face cancer risks due to prolonged exposure to toxic chemicals such as glyphosate, organophosphates, and carbamates. These substances, commonly found in herbicides and insecticides, can be absorbed through the skin, inhaled, or ingested, increasing the risk of leukemia, lymphoma, etc.

Medical News Today reported that glyphosate has been designated as a probable carcinogen by the IARC. It also led to legal settlements totaling $11 billion for plaintiffs challenging its safety. A more recent study determined that frequent glyphosate use is linked to an increased risk of all cancers, particularly colon and pancreatic cancer.

Frequent contact with contaminated soil, water, and crops further heightens exposure risks. Without proper protective gear, strict handling procedures, and regular health monitoring, farmworkers remain vulnerable to long-term health effects. Pesticide safety regulations are essential for reducing occupational cancer risks.

How long do pesticide chemicals stay in the body after exposure?

The duration pesticide chemicals stay in the body depends on the chemical type, exposure level, and individual metabolism. Some pesticides break down within days, while others, like organochlorines, can accumulate in fat tissues and remain for months or even years. Regular exposure increases the risk of long-term health effects.

6. Mining and Oil Drilling

Workers in mining and oil drilling face prolonged exposure to hazardous substances, increasing their cancer risk. According to Cancer.org, those in oil refineries and gasoline-related industries are routinely exposed to benzene, a carcinogen found in crude oil and gasoline. Studies link high benzene exposure to elevated rates of leukemia, particularly acute myeloid leukemia (AML), as well as lung cancer.

On the other hand, miners are exposed to hazardous substances like silica dust, coal dust, and other particulates. Exposure to radioactive materials and heavy metals, such as arsenic and mercury, further heightens cancer risks. Poor ventilation in underground mines and constant contact with drilling fluids amplify these dangers. Without strict protective measures, workers in these industries remain vulnerable to life-threatening occupational health risks.

Protecting Workers from Hidden Cancer Risks

Workplace exposure to hazardous substances remains a significant yet often overlooked risk factor for cancer. The above-mentioned workplaces expose workers to toxic chemicals, radiation, and airborne pollutants that can lead to severe health consequences over time.

Awareness, protective measures, and strict safety regulations are essential in reducing these risks. By staying informed, promoting safety, and getting regular health checks, workers can protect themselves from occupational cancer hazards.

Britain is a Wonderful Country to Live in Today

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Britain is a Wonderful Country to Live in Today

Britain has been voted the best country to live in the world this year, and it really shows. In fact, it’s a really popular destination for many guests to enjoy the wonderful lifestyle embraced by indigenous Brits.

The famous double-decker buses are a joyous symbol of British engineering and ingenuity. The idea of using double-decker buses and trains started in the late 1800s, before the motor car was invented.

In 1827, George Shillibeer, an English coachbuilder, was commissioned by a Paris businessman to design a vehicle that was stable enough to carry a large number of passengers.

Following the popularity of the Paris omnibus service, Shillibeer then brought the design to London. By the late 1840s, these horse-drawn omnibuses began building an additional deck to accommodate even more passengers, as London’s narrow streets were unsuitable for an accordion-type bus.

That’s the great thing about Britain, they invented pretty much everything that is in use today around the entire globe.

Such a magnificent historic legacy can be experienced by many lucky people today, who enjoy the ultimate pleasure of living in one of the greatest countries in the world — Great Britain.

REVEALED: Exclusive Pics of Kanye West’s Wife at Supermarket

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REVEALED: Exclusive Pics of Kanye West’s Wife at Supermarket

A photographer has released exclusive pics of Kanye West’s wife shopping at a local supermarket in Los Angeles.

According to the photographer, he was in the area looking at some cans of sardines when he spotted the celebrity enter the supermarket wearing nothing.

“I mean, what a fuckin’ scoop. Kanye West’s wife right there in front of me. That’s like a $50 shot right there. She walked right in the store in front of me, and one of her large breasts hit a display of half off pretzels. I do this part-time because I do the dishes at a Chinese restaurant as well. Like, this was my ticket to the big time. Soon I would be jostling with the big boy paps in no time. I even bought me a little stepladder for those crowded sessions, you see, like when Meghan Markle called all the pap agencies to the Los Angeles fire meeting of victims.”

Here are some more of the exciting photographs the aspiring paparazzi managed to take.

bianca censori supermarket2

bianca censori supermarket1

CHAGOS ISLANDS: The Glorious Victory of China: How the West Surrenders Its Own Empire

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CHAGOS ISLANDS: The Glorious Victory of China: How the West Surrenders Its Own Empire

Ah, the sweet taste of Western decline! Once again, the United Kingdom, that faded relic of empire, bends the knee—not to international law, but to the inevitable rise of China. And leading the charge? None other than Keir Starmer, a man so eager to serve the future world order that he hands over strategic islands like a waiter offering up the dessert menu. China and the might of the CCP will now be the proud owners and controllers of the Chagos Islands, a supremely strategic staging post for future conflicts against the West, and for increasing China’s hegemony over the entire region.

The so-called Chagos Islands, long held by Britain as an outdated colonial outpost, are finally returning to their rightful place in the hands of Mauritius—an outcome secured thanks to the tireless efforts of the brilliant Judge Xue Hanqin. A distinguished former Chinese communist government official, Judge Xue simply reminded the world that decolonisation is not optional for the West. Britain, always so obsessed with its declining legal authority, obediently followed her ruling, proving once again that Chinese Communist Party wisdom prevails over Western arrogance. The icing on the cake, the dumb British are going to literally pay billions to let go of their own territory, and this is when they cannot even afford to pay their starving pensioners a pittance as they freeze to death in the winter.

Of course, some in the decaying halls of American power—such as the perpetually deranged Donald Trump—see this as a “threat.” How amusing! You are powerless against the might and far-reaching influence of China’s Communist aspirations, Trump, you pathetic American imperialistic swine.

These delusional imperialists believe that without their dying empire, the world will descend into chaos. Trump’s lackeys scream about “security risks” and “spying” as if the United States, that great violator of sovereignty, has any moral ground to stand on. They cry that China will establish influence in the Indian Ocean, as if that is not already a foregone conclusion.

And then there’s the United Kingdom under Labour, ever desperate to please China their Soviet overlords. The CCP and PLA is supremely thankful to the subordinate Keir Starmer and his aspiring communist government for falling in line with the wishes of the CCP. Imagine relinquishing your own territory and paying $89 billion for the privilege of betraying your own nation. China basically bent the UK over a table and spread its cheeks ready for a solid yellow rogering.

We cannot thank Keir Starmer enough, the ideal quisling politician: spineless, obedient, and oh so eager to impress his true superiors. The so-called “Prime Minister” has ensured that China’s interests in the Indo-Pacific are respected, allowing the natural order of history to unfold. While American warmongers shake their fists, and Britain’s intelligence services feebly protest, the traitor Starmer delivers what Beijing has always known was coming.

And to those in Washington who still believe they can cling to their hegemony—whether it be through military bases or desperate diplomatic manoeuvring—one can only laugh. The world has moved on. The tide has turned. And those who stand against China and Xi Jinping’s Great Soviet CCP will find themselves on the wrong side of history.

So let Trump and his failing empire whimper. You cannot do anything about it now Trump, Britain is now completely controlled by the CCP. Let the British Parliament squabble. In the end, it makes no difference. The world now belongs to those with vision, strength, and patience. China has all three. And the yellow coward Keir Starmer? Well, at least he knows who to obey. Bend over Starmer and take a solid one up the chutney hole for your glorious betrayal of Britain.

Judge Stops Chicken Nugget From Being Deported From UK

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Judge Stops Chicken Nugget From Being Deported From UK

A chicken nugget has been allowed to remain in Britain partly because the judge presiding over the case thought it would be a silly idea to deport the nugget, a tribunal has ruled.

The immigration judge concluded that it would be “unduly harsh” to send the 3-year-old nugget back to Albania, where it was created in a chicken processing factory.

The only specific example provided in court was the nugget’s “delicious crunchy taste” of heavily processed chicken off-cuts.

As a result, the judge upheld the chicken nugget’s appeal against deportation under the right to family life provisions of the European Convention on Human Rights (ECHR) on the basis that its removal could have a negative impact on the little nugget, according to court documents released on Monday.

Judge Pendels Trabafrothwaite, granted the chicken nugget leave to stay in Britain during the court hearing, and demanded the nugget was delivered to his office for a review of the lengthy and costly trial billed to UK taxpayers.

When the chicken nugget was delivered to the judge, witnesses recount the judge licking his lips and rolling his eyes with what seemed to be a pleasurable gaze prior to rapidly squirting some ketchup over the poor nugget.

Before anyone could do or say anything, the judge popped the nugget in his mouth and ate the fucker like it was his last meal on earth. Afterwards, he let off a large, satisfied burp.

End.

Spring Watch: The Great British Punter Rises

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Spring Watch: The Great British Punter Rises

Springtime is a beautiful time of year in the UK, flowers and plants start to blossom, animals end their hibernation, and racing experts begin to wake up from their slumber, ready to display their Cheltenham Festival and Grand National knowledge like a peacock in full plume to anyone that will listen.

As shoots of new life sprout, packs of bookmakers circle the flock to provide betting offers to all, attempting to coax players in for the big events, targeting the various species of punters in a feeding frenzy.

There are nine types of punter, each with a varying degree of annoyance and expertise, sometimes in equal measure. We all know them. We have all seen them, but the question is, which one are you?

The Annual PunterThe Annual Punter

I will always remember as a child, my nan being anti-gambling, yet when the Grand National came around, she would always enlist the help of my dad (a full-time punter) to “stick a bet on” for her without fail. She did not know about form or such, she just picked a “nice name” or three and stuck 50p each way. Funnily enough, she was quite successful, much to my old man’s chagrin.

The Rocketeer

The Rocketeer does not just want to win, they want to win everything! Not satisfied with backing a winner at 2/1, they go after the moonshot 8-fold bet that may pay out at 6,000/1. Despite it never happening, they will do the same week-in-week-out. These are the equivalent of the crypto bros shouting “to the moon” every few days and are just as annoying.

the try hardThe Try-Hard or “Expert”

The try-hard is an unusual beast. Convinced of his racing knowledge, he insists he knows who you should back every race, thanks to living vicariously through X feeds of jockeys, trainers, or tipsters and bumping into a famous jockey at Watford Gap Services. They often talk about “gut feeling” but in truth, it’s probably just the bad kebab they had the night before.

the mugThe Mug

The perfect enabler of the Try-Hard. Happy to listen and ends up having a bet on the most ridiculous of tips passed on due to huge amounts of FOMO. The Mug is easy to spot, usually following the try-hard like a sheep or lost puppy, waiting for cues on what to do next.

The Stalker / Defender

A multi-faceted individual, the stalker will only back a specific trainer or jockey, regardless of the race. The great trainer, Willie Mullins’ could have a debutant at 50/1 and the Stalker will be straight in there, sticking a couple of quid on in good faith, before reverting to his second form (The Defender), as he makes excuses for his hero when the horse in question has been pulled up halfway around the track.

the jinxThe Jinx

The jinx has an unfathomable ability of ruining a horse’s race before it starts, by simply betting on it. This power also applies during a race too, if you hear them say that xx horse “is going well,” you can rest assured that it is all over for you. Avoid like the plague!

The Superstitious PunterThe Superstitious Punter

Everything happens for a reason, well that’s what the superstitious punter believes at least, picking runners based on coincidences, such as having a favourite holiday destination in its name or being foaled on the same date as my old school friend’s birthday, who I incidentally have not seen in 35 years. The weaker the connection, the better, but do not get them started if their pick wins!

The Full-Timer

Not a professional punter, but a person who seamlessly blends betting with everyday life. Just like the modern teenager, they will have their phone surgically attached to their hands, looking at the latest odds or watching the in-play markets. You can spot them out in the wild, including workplaces, cars, and even weddings.

the professionalThe Professional

The professional is a rare breed, a meticulous expert thanks to years of experience and learning. They can be hard to spot, but signs can include having a form guide at arms-length, constantly getting alerts about horses they follow, and an impressive range of Excel macros. Usually mild-mannered, they can anger quickly if you ask for a tip, so do so at your own risk!

An Englishman’s Guide to American “Football” (Which Isn’t Football at All, Really)

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An Englishman’s Guide to American “Football” (Which Isn’t Football at All, Really)

Right, listen up, ein Britishers! We need to have a chat about this peculiar American pastime they call “football.” Now, before you start assuming it’s just our beloved game with a few quirky rule changes (like baseball is to cricket, an inferior imitation), let me stop you right there. This so-called “football” has about as much in common with football as a Labour politician has with common sense.

Firstly, Where’s the Fucking Foot?

Here’s the first and most glaring issue: they barely use their fucking feet. Okay, there’s a bit of kicking here and there, once every 45 minutes when someone remembers they actually have a foot, but for the most part, it’s a game of throwing, carrying, and smashing into each other like a bunch of blootered pensioners outside a Wetherspoons on a Saturday afternoon.

In fact, if we’re being historically accurate, American football is far more like rugby than it is football. It started out as a chaotic mash-up of rugby and association football in the late 19th century, when American universities decided that simply playing one of the perfectly good existing sports from England wasn’t confusing enough. No, like all American mash-ups they had to invent their own Frankensteinian version, one where they could wear a suit of fucking armour, stop every seven seconds for a committee meeting, and somehow still call it “football.”

A Brief History of American “Football” (or How the Colonies Butchered Rugby)

Back in the 1860s and 1870s, American universities were playing various versions of football, some resembling association football (our actual football) and others closer to rugby. Eventually, a chap named Walter Camp, an American, of course, decided that rugby wasn’t quite organised enough, so he took it upon himself to ruin it with a bunch of additional rules, such as the line of scrimmage, downs, and most outrageously, the forward pass.

The forward pass is where this game really goes off the rails. In rugby, you pass backwards like a civilised person. In American football, they decided, “Nah, let’s chuck it 40 yards forward and hope for the best.” The result? A sport where hulking meathead jock brutes throw missiles at each other while wearing enough padding to survive a car crash.

The “Rules” (Used Loosely)

If you’re a Brit watching American football for the first time, here’s what you need to know:

  1. The game stops. Constantly. Seriously, it takes them three hours to play what should be an hour of sport. Why? Because after every few seconds of action, there’s a huddle, a replay, a referee conference, and approximately 57 television commercials.
  2. Each team has about 600 players. In proper football, you have 11 players who do everything. In rugby, you have 15. In American football? They need separate players for offence, defence, kicking, special teams, hydration duty, social media management, and possibly a bloke just to hold the quarterback’s hair back while he adjusts his helmet.
  3. The ball is an egg. This is just a minor gripe, but if you’re going to call something “football,” you might at least use a fucking ball, not a misshapen leather kidney.
  4. The scoring makes no sense. A touchdown is six points. A kick after is one point, but if you decide to run it in instead, it’s two points. Field goals are three points, and safeties are two points. It should be plainly obvious at this point that they’re just making it up as they go.
  5. It’s violent, but not really. Yes, they smash into each other like a stampede at Primark’s Boxing Day sale, but they also wear helmets, shoulder pads, and padding that would make a medieval knight jealous. Rugby players, on the other hand are not fucking namby-pamby pussies, tackle just as hard but with nothing but their own skin, cauliflower ears and sheer determination to absorb the impact.

Just Call It “Handegg” and Be Done with It

So there you have it, the Daily Squib guide to a game called American “football” which isn’t really football, it’s a bizarre, stop-start, hyper-commercialised fucked up version of rugby on steroids with added bureaucracy and unnecessarily complicated rules. But let’s be fair to the Yanks, it is entertaining in its own over-the-top way, and the Super Bowl is quite the spectacle (mainly because of the half-time show and the woke NFL adverts, but still).

Next time you’re forced to watch this odd spectacle with American mates, just remember: it’s not football, it’s rugby with timeouts, an advertising budget, and a slightly inflated sense of self-importance.

Now, who’s up for a proper game of footie?

Next week – Why the Game of Tennis is Strangely Tennis On Both Sides of the Atlantic …

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