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Israel: Prime Real Estate Opportunities in Gaza

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Real estate companies in Tel Aviv are licking their lips at the Gaza strip demolition in process at the moment.

Moshe Levisteinski, owner of Kazar Properties, told the Jerusalem Post: “You don’t get opportunities like this. I’m licking my lips right now at the money I’m going to make. The demolition is already done, we just need to clear the bones and rotting carcasses away, put them in incinerators then we move in. I have my architects working on it right now, some condos, a riverside location, golf club. It’s great that the world and Arab scum are sitting by doing nothing, obviously too scared eh. Well, thank you, thank you, I’m going to be richer than I imagined. Please fire more rockets so we can take more land you dumb Palestinian animals.”

Right to Defend Costly

Another Israeli citizen, Abe Winkleberg, wrote on his blog: “These missiles cost money, every time we shoot down one of their fireworks, one Iron Dome missile costs as much as $100,000 for each shot, compare that to the cost of a Palestinian firework at about $60. They’re trying to bankrupt us.”

The property market is booming in Israel as the daily influx of people who call themselves Jews arrive daily.

“Israel is not populated by real Jews any more, it hasn’t been for a very long time. These are mostly Khazari people (semi-nomadic Turkic people), Ashkenazi from Eastern Europe and Russia who converted to Judaism only a few hundred years ago. Their DNA is not Jewish, but their faith is, therefore they can live in Israel so that’s okay. Ninety percent of Israelis do not have Jewish DNA and the original Israelites are all pretty much a long distant memory in modern Israel. In fact, the Palestinians today, hold more Semitic genetic similarity to the original Israelites than the people living in Israel who call themselves Jews,” a bemused man from Jerusalem said before being arrested for heresy.

Which War Zone Will You Be Flying Over For Your Summer Holidays?

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Summer holidays have never been so much fun in years, it’s not just the in-flight entertainment that will keep you amused but the thought in the back of your mind that you’re flying over a war zone and could be shot down at any minute by a missile.

“I love it, it’s like Russian roulette, you just don’t know if you will be the one to get it. Gives a good adrenaline kick to your on board glass of Chardonnay. Forget the Mile High Club, this is way more thrilling because the unscrupulous airlines never tell you their actual flight plan,” Gary Allinson, 46, wrote on his Facebook page before being shot down with 392 passengers by a surface to air missile over Eastern Europe on Monday.

Currently, it is highly dangerous to fly over the Middle East, the Balkans, Eastern Europe, Africa, some parts of South America, Russia, China, South East Asia and anywhere in Malaysia. But don’t worry about such trivialities, it’s all part of the thrill, especially when you have no idea which flight path your plane actually takes, or changes.

Happy summer holidays!

Peaceful Aliens Landed on Earth Yesterday But Left After Two Minutes

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“They had a message of peace, like some kind of flag with a happy face on it. I saw them coming out of the flying saucer. I walked up to them and showed them a newspaper front page, they looked at me and said ‘200 years’. The peaceful aliens then got back in their ship and zoomed back into space,” witness Ernie Dean, a beet farmer from Muskegon told CNN.

Space experts are trying to figure out why the aliens would leave so rapidly.

“The state we’re in is great, everything is wonderful on earth, surely they are mistaken. Also the ‘200 years’ bit must be some kind of riddle. Maybe that means they will be back in another 200 years when humans learn to live with each other peacefully, or we could all be gone by then and they’ll feel safer coming here, who knows?” Dr. Fred Farquhar, from NASA’s Space Research Center revealed.

Putin Breath of Fresh Air For U.S.

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For a moment it was looking sticky for America, what with Bin Laden dead and the Muslim nations thwarted, but then Putin stepped up to the plate.

Perpetual War of Terror

“The American people were slowly seeing who we were, because their attention was not being diverted to some boogeyman any more. We don’t like that so we gotta thank Putin for diverting the dumb American people. It’s a blessing that we have the dumbest citizens in the world. Thank you Putin, we always have to have some other focus point, someone else to fight, we’re a war nation, we make war on people and the world, we don’t make love we make war dammit,” Democrat Senator Edward Heinz, told CBS news, Monday.

Without outward conflict, America as a warring nation turns inwards, because they have to always fight something. Putin stepped up to the plate this time, and once he is gone, America will move onto the next enemy.

Kim Jong-un: Laughing Stock of Asia? Not Me

 

According to reports coming from the secretive communist state, the leaflets read:

“Our great leader Kim Jong-un is not funny, eheheh, you must not laugh at the supreme commander in chief, woohoohoo. Anyone caught laughing at the little squirt will get put into a prison camp. This is not funny, you can’t laugh, no laughing, waaahhahahah!!!!”

Anyone caught laughing at Kim Jong-un is immediately sent to a gulag and assigned to re-education programs.

Some North Koreans have even taken to taping their mouths shut or even worse resorted to stitching.

Revealed: Tony Blair Says He is Real Caliph of Iraq

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Former PM, Tony Blair revealed the sensational news today in an impromptu broadcast from Tikrit.

“I am the real Caliph of Iraq, these are my spoils of war, not this Baghdadi ponce,” Chief Al-bin Blair Caliph of Iraq and Kensington said in the broadcast.

The new Caliph has big plans for Iraq and the Middle East.

“Yes, well, you know, wherever I go there is peace and prosperity. That’s why I’m telling you people now, I’m the new Caliph in town, and you’d best be respecting me and my Caliphate or I’ll do even more damage then I’ve already done.”

Gazza Off to Gaza in Peace Deal Bid

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“I’m takin’ me fishing rod, a few cans of brew and a blanket,” Gazza told Mecclesworth local news.

The former footballer, is said to have aligned himself as a peace envoy and he is adamant that he can make a difference.

“Five bellies is coming with me, we’re going to parachute down to the Gaza strip and save the universe, jibber, jabber, bladadadada eaargh, tik tik tikko!”

The Home Office stepped in today telling Gazza to stay put in Britain and not try any nonsense.

“I think Gazza needs to sit tight in his one bed flat drinking tinnies and wearing his nappies. Going to Gaza would be a death sentence for the poor chap, almost like living in Grimsby or some other Northern toilet,” Edgar Hound, a spokesman for the Home Office told the BBC.

Putin Almost Indecisive as Obama Say Experts

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“Just invade already, we know you want to, what’s keeping you Mr Putin? Next you’re going to tell us you want multi million dollar holidays every few months and to play golf all the frickin’ time,” professor of political science, Ian Nesbit from Chickataw University in Washington told Reuters.

“It is plain to see the MH17 shooting is being used as a pawn and a tool in a dirty propaganda war by the West, as the hypocritical Western powers are using the sordid death of civilians to solidify negative press on Russia.

“You don’t fly passenger jets over war zones period, secondly, someone gave the order to the pilot to divert course over the war zone, whoever that person or entity was is the real murderer,” the professor added.

“Unfortunately, for Uncle Vlad, he is now caught between a rock and a hard place, with the media calling him a ‘baby killer’ but he must consider this fact, the hypocritical Western hierarchy do not actually care about civilian lives, to them a few hundred civilians on a plane could easily be a bunch of fruit flies. The elite controllers do not see human civilians as anything but little pieces of software or tax fodder so they can live their privileged expense account lifestyles.

“Again, like 911, who benefited from MH17? Cui bono? Not Putin.

“The West has been poking the bear with a stick for a while now, firstly it is the West that provoked Putin by meddling in Ukraine right on Russia’s doorstep, this resulted in Russia invading Crimea. The sanctions are further provocations angering the bear further. By backing Putin into a corner, he is an angry bear and he will conduct a full scale invasion soon enough. This is what the West wants.”

Meanwhile if anyone has any sense, they won’t be boarding a plane that starts with the letters MH any time soon.

Baphomet: “Obama My Son You’re Doing a Great Job”

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Speaking from the underworld, the great horned one praised president Obama on a great job done so far as the president of the United States.

“I bet they did not realise that Change was going to be like this. Ahhh Barack you are doing very well. How you fooled those voters, over and over again. You still have two human years left to complete the tasks we agreed on. This is just the beginning but I can already see some results coming into fruition.

“As I look across this dark grey cavern, I see the future and I like it. You will receive great earthly rewards when the job is completed.

“Switch everything around, confuse, disperse, create chaos out of order, introduce multiple threats from all directions, deceive and lie, jeez, I get the giggles just thinking about it.

“I thought George and Tony were good, but you’re even better.

“The world is in turmoil and you have done well there, but you must complete the great work soon, only then will I reward you for your efforts. We have no need for America any more and that forsaken place is the beginning of our endeavours to conquer the earth completely. It seems like eternity but all this waiting may finally pay off soon, thanks to you.

“Just don’t forget the deal we made, you can’t get out of it now. Once you sign on the dotted line, that’s it. Hargh! Hargh! Haaaargh!”

Women Bishops Get Go Ahead

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The Church of England is desperate to increase numbers in the pews, therefore they have adjusted the age old priesthood practices for a very good reason by introducing women Bishops.

Caught in a rut for hundreds of years, the age old Synod has finally capitulated to the female spirit.

“There’s only so much buggery that can go on. The church needs to understand that women exist, and it’s not all boys, boys, boys,” Arch Deacon of the Tessilwaithe diocese told the Church Times.

In Dudlington, a sign has already gone up outside the local cathedral: “Looking for women Bishops. Must be a looker, no mingers please. By order of God!”

The Catholic church however has refused any such moves towards women, and have vowed to always continue doing what they do best.