17.7 C
London
Friday, January 2, 2026
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 552

Shia Labeouf Joins Shia Militia in Iraq

“I needed something to do, you know like something real,” the former Hollywood ‘actor’ said from Baghdad International airport.

Shia is not sure which Shia brigade to join but he has devised a cunning plan.

“I’m gonna go into the Sunni triangle wearing a paper bag on my head with the words ‘Shia For Hire!’ and if that don’t do it nothing will. Gee, I’m so bored already no coke in this town and the chicks wear black cloths all over their heads.”

UPDATE Tuesday: Shia Labeouf has been captured by the Al-Nusra Nusradin Nusra Jihad Brigade in Western Baghdad and something gruesome will probably happen to him soon. No one really seems to care though.

Butler-Sloss: “No, I Don’t Look Like Savile”

2

 

“No, I don’t look like him. You are being ridiculous,” Baroness Sloss told the media on Monday.

One member of the public, Derrick Haldrin, 48, from Twickenham told the Mirror: “Whoever put her in charge of the abuse enquiry has got one sick sense of humour. She looks exactly like Savile. It’s like a slap in the face all over again.”

Looks like Britain is a nation being collectively traumatised all over again.

The Rise of Germany Can Never Be Stopped

1

The Germans are an amazing resourceful people, through all adversity, struggle and toil, they always seem to come out on top.

In WW2 it took over five nations fighting them on all fronts five years to finally surrender, any other country would have crumbled in less than three months.

It is in this vain that the Germanic eagle rises over the EU as a strong leader, not only economically but its superior technical knowledge in all aspects of modern human existence trump anything or anyone in its path. The Germans are thus formidable foes as rulers of the largest and newest bloc of countries in human history, they are the Übermenschen who make things happen.

Does the current United Kingdom have a chance with such superiority? The answer is an emphatic, no. Britain is now a weakened carcass of a nation, not only weakened by unfettered mass immigration but by economic transience. The weak politicians in parliament are ditherers, castrated by their own feeble indecisive nature, they are powerless to the rise of a force so strong and concentrated that it has effectively disarmed nations in one fell swoop.

As time moves forward, the claws of the EU will sink deeper, they will seem to capitulate, to appease certain voices of dissent, but when these die down, the claws will pull their prey away from safety finally feasting on its conquest, devouring the last morsels of British dignity.

The future does not bode well for Britain, this former proud nation is now a shadow of its past glories. Britain’s olde enemies are now governing the country, and it will get worse, because once any foreign entity is allowed in, that’s it, over.

With the promise of economic bounty, jobs, and prosperity for the people, the Germans have reignited their fire especially on the football pitch and will win the World Cup, their EU empire is the greatest the world has seen, and the next fifty years will ensure the scientific technical dictatorial nature of their dream realised.

The German people did not suffer in vain during and after the two world wars, the prize of their supreme struggle was the EU, and in strength, a thousand years it shall reign over what was once Great Britain.

Transgender Michelle Obama Wants More Rights

In a world where all the rivers are polluted by chemicals creating asexual animals, where the food that humans eat are tainted with plastics and pesticides creating birth disorders, it is no surprise that Michelle Obama, who suffers from Klinefelter syndrome is crying out for more rights.

Outed by former comedienne Joan Rivers, who was dispatched mysteriously shortly after making the announcement about the Obamas saying Michelle Obama is a man, there has been much debate about the transgender FLOTUS.

Speaking at a recent White House fund raising event for Homesexual Transgender Bi-Polar Bisexual Lesbian Sailor Jingle Drug Addicts with HIV and Hepatitis (HTBPBLSJDAHH), the First Lady‘s speech had many in tears:

 

Hiding in plain sight

“I tried to hide for so long, but look at my shoulders, look at my hands, look at my Adam’s apple! Our adopted children thanks to Dr Anita Blanchard, have always supported us but there will always be a stigma. We are people too, we have feelings like anyone else, and we want to be acknowledged for who we are. I want you all to think for one second what it is like to have a larger penis than Barrack. I have to think about this every night before we go to bed together.”

The celebrity audience, included veteran comedienne, Joan Rivers (now deceased) who gave over $6.20 to the charity fundraising event.

barack and mike obama

Brazil Team: “It Was Only a Hologram That Was Not Us”

0

The Brazil team have appealed for calm across the country, after the drubbing 7-1 loss yesterday at the hands of the clinically efficient Germans.

“We were kidnapped just before we went on, then the hologram machines projected a mediocre team with no discernible stars or strikers onto the pitch. I think it was an evil plan from some dastardly Indonesian betting cartel,” the real Brazilian forward Neymar told local news stations.

The Brazilian authorities are looking into the holographic theory, meanwhile the Brazilian team are in hiding after their holocaustal ordeal on the pitch.

“I’ve seen park football better than that. Jesus, even England could have done better,” a crying Brazilian fan said from the stadium yesterday.

At least there is one consolation for the Brazilians, the vast taxpayer cost of the World Cup so that the home team could be humiliated with a 7-1 beating.

Terry Wogan: “Looks Like David Icke Was Right All Along”

A repentant Terry Wogan has spoken of his distress at ridiculing researcher and writer David Icke all those years ago.

“I ridiculed someone who was in the process of waking up. You see I was asleep myself just as so many others were. Well, I apologise to Mr Icke unreservedly for being a snivelling arse that night on the Wogan show. David Icke was correct on Jimmy Savile and all the others, especially those in the halls of power,” Mr Wogan told the BBC news service.

David Icke has been the foremost researcher into the dealings of the higher echelons of the British establishment for over a decade.

We’re Off to Tony Blair’s House For Dinner

The Squib office is in a good mood today, a select few writers and editors have been invited to sup with the Right Honourable Gentleman, Tony Blair.

He is a fine chap, all full of cheer and extremely rich to boot.

“Just follow the map if you’re lost, or better still check out google streetview, you’ll see my house there. Don’t get lost now,” Tony said in a recent phone call.

We’ve heard Cherie is a great cook, pity Tony is rarely at home to enjoy the fine gastronomic delights of beans on toast every night.

What’s that Buzzing Sound? Ah, Airport Security Checkpoint!

1

People flying into the U.S have another illogical directive to deal with now, switching their electronic devices on and having them powered up.

Bzzzzz

Here’s an interesting scenario, a row of USA Inbound women at a TSA airport security checkpoint in LAX airport all told simultaneously to switch their vibrating devices on.

The buzzing sound would be deafening as the vibrating devices are all held up for examination, twirling around in all their latex glory.

These electronic appendages were previously most probably nestled somewhere in the main luggage, but now will have to be in their hand luggage ready to be paraded in front of everyone and their uncle.

Not all women own a vibrating device or travel with their rubber companions, but it would be a comedic show to see the ones that do at the airport.

The even more silly thing is, the announcements across the media demanding all electronic devices are charged when going through airports, presumably because the authorities have had some sort of communication that uncharged items could have an explosive device in them thanks to the terrorists.

However, has no one thought about the prospect that these terrorists may now be aiming to use charged items? I mean it’s all over the news now. Duh!

It’s getting scary out there, maybe it’s time to stay home if you value your life, especially if you’ve got a large plastic dong in your purse.

Experts: The Age of Women is Almost Upon Us

0

“The death of patriarchy is nearing its final step, as socio-political movements within the western world shift the power base from men to women overtly.

“Destabilising the masculine is a tried and tested method in reducing power in societies, as the female takes over the reigns, men will be marginalised, reduced to ogling from the side lines.

“For the past two decades misandry has been encouraged in all forms of media, where men have been denigrated purely for being men.

“The war on men has also been a cause célèbre for the destruction of the family in all of its traditional biological forms. Where women in the past were the mothers, sisters, wives keeping families together, this no longer exists.

“The West must therefore prepare for increased societal changes that will promote homosexuality and misanthropy. Extreme feminism will make it a crime to enjoy the pleasures of the female form as their goal is to subvert human nature and emasculate all men.

“Hillary Clinton, once she is voted into office, will bring her skewed Alinskyite, aggressive feminist fervour as well as her deep seated hatred of men to the fore, her hatred for her husband deep down, is rooted in many of his dalliances. She will punish men as a whole for that, it is in her soul.

“Purging of the masculine, is an altogether effective technique in destabilising society so that humans can be weakened and controlled more easily due to societal breakdown. Strong societies are led by strong men and yielding strong women, this is not the case any more in the west.

“Western controllers like to display their supposed inclusive facade sometimes, with the first black president, and then the first female president. One must not forget the covert power is there to project diversity, whatever will work at that time will work for their own ends.

“The counter to all of this Western emasculation, is of course the East, which is now the masculine power. Where the West has promoted homosexuality and feminism, the patriarchal masculine side is exemplified in countries like Russia and areas like the Middle East.

“When it comes to war, the laws of nature have a myriad of strands that cannot be quantified simply, however the next conflict will determine the way the singular global governing force lies.

“With the underlying male and female characteristics of biological nature, the advent of AI systems and robotics, will in itself cause a challenge to the male and female concept, possibly eradicating these elements of biology completely.”

United Nations Designates America Third World Status

0

 

 

 

Speaking from UN headquarters in Geneva, Secretary General Ban Ki-moon said:

“I am honoured to classify the United States as a Third World nation. The US is in dire need of UN aid. We are mobilising UNHCR, WFP and WHO, to provide much needed assistance to the American people.”

President Barack Obama, has greeted the UN ruling by holding a keynote speech at the White House:

“When I came into office, I promised Change, well, I have fulfilled my promise my fellow Americans. I am pleased to announce the wonderful news that the United States is now a designated Third World country, and I have accepted the UN’s help in stabilising our once great nation. My dear Americans, I want every man, woman and child to stand outside their homes to accept deliveries of grain, water and essential medical assistance.  The UN will however not be providing assistance to citizens with weapons, therefore I urge those who wish to feed their families to hand over their guns to the relevant agencies in the field. God bless our nation, it has been an honour serving me.”

Those who do have access to a radio can find hourly updates on the situation and directions to the nearest refugee camp. Please stay in your homes, as aid agencies will be assisting communities in every region.