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Home Blog Page 552

Russian Blyat Airlines Ready For Take Off

Business

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January 29, 2015

Russian Blyat Airlines Ready For Take Off

When things go wrong for Russians it’s no problem, they just say Blyat, grab a vodka and get on with it.

This same strategy seems to work on the International relations front, where the Western propaganda machine has been working overtime to discredit Russia on all fronts. Just say Blyat, and get on with the job at hand.

The cabin is filling with smoke at 35,000 feet. Fuck it, have another drink.

The Russian economy has been given junk status by an American ratings agency, reach for the vodka and say Blyat. But here’s the clincher, if the Americans are giving the Russians junk status, what happens when analysts look at the real deficit of the U.S. economy? That’s actually below junk status, and if anyone knew what was really happening in the American economy there would be some serious crying in the streets.

Russians are a hardy people, very resilient, jovial, of course with a touch of melancholy and it is to this end that the Americans can throw anything they want at these Russians and they will simply keep on doing what they’re doing. They don’t need credit cards, lattes or awful banal American sitcoms, they don’t need canned laughter, just give ’em some boiled cabbage soup, a litre of vodka and a Kalashnikov.

Tories Bottling Own Urine For Election Day

World

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January 27, 2015

“This is not just ordinary urine, it’s Tory urine and it packs a punch. Drink this and you’ll forget you lost the election. That’s why we’re bottling tonnes of the stuff to give the Tory party faithful after the election results come through,” the PM said whilst filling his thirtieth bottle.

George Osborne, managed to fill over a hundred bottles before he took a well earned rest by drinking a bottle or two.

“You’ve got to replenish. My bottles have a certain zing to them, the flavour of Tory, a bouquet of corrupt diligence, Bullingdon buggery and Etonian cronyism,” the chancellor told the BBC crew before downing another stinking bottle himself and burping loudly.

Hoax Caller Calls Hoax Prime Minister

World

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January 27, 2015

“The hoax caller got through on the private line of our hoax prime minister. Luckily it was all a big hoax and no one was fooled,” Edwin Pranque, the PM’s private secretary told the BBC.

What is this world coming to? Hoax callers calling hoax prime ministers?

“Every word that comes out of my mouth is a big hoax, a big lie, therefore when I received the call from another hoaxer, I immediately knew it was a hoax and told the chap to stop playing at my game,” the hoax PM told the BBC.

American Troops in Ukraine : Cold War or Hot War?

World

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January 26, 2015

American Troops in Ukraine : Cold War or Hot War?

“At what stage does a cold war turn into full blown all out war? We may get to see a hot war soon enough as it turns out large numbers of U.S. troops are on the ground in Ukraine.

“If U.S. troops are shooting at Russians, what does that mean? Well, it could mean escalation of operations to full scale warfare between Russia and America.

“Strategically speaking, any interference by America on Russia’s doorstep is an act of war, therefore the meddlesome abilities of America could be stoking up some serious trouble. With Russia’s fully mobilised forces waiting on the borders, the American interventionist forces in Ukraine are only stoking the fire.

“No one cares so much when American stormtroopers march into some Arabian dust bowl and take over their oil wells and resources. The Arabs are usually placated with heavy doses of bullets and missiles as American thugs touting freedom and democracy break down their doors. The Russians on the other hand are a different kettle of fish, highly armed, trained, disciplined and backed by nuclear arsenals that can flatten America three hundred times over.

“So, what the hell is America doing in Ukraine? Are they trying to coerce the Russians? Are they trying to start an all out war? Are they poking the Russkie bear with a shit stick?

“These are the questions we must ask, and ultimately we may never get an answer until it is too late. Either the U.S. high command are clinically insane or dangerously reckless, whichever the answer is, unless American troops high tail their asses out of that war zone soon, the world is in for a big war, possibly nuclear.

“Watch this video below to see an American soldier in Ukraine. Of course, he does not want to be identified. He seems to be holding a weapon, and may be engaged in combat.”

Euro: Germans Getting Ready For Hyper Inflation Once Again

Business

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January 23, 2015

Euro: Germans Getting Ready For Hyper Inflation Once Again

The euro currency will be deemed as worthless by the end of the year, and Germans today are getting ready for the inevitable hyper inflation that will follow soon. The unbridled printing of euros solely to prop up weak Southern European EU countries may save some but at a huge cost for Germans in the long run.

“The days of the Weimar Republic are to return. I have my wheelbarrow ready for when I have to go to the shops to buy a loaf of bread,” Anders Dietler, a butcher from Liepzig told local news stations.

By November 1923, the American dollar was worth 4,210,500,000,000 German Marks and sadly the same pattern is occurring right now in Germany.

“Printing fake money to give to Greece so they can spend it again. Now, this is not sound economic sense, but then again, when did these technocrats ever have any? As long as they have unlimited expense accounts what do they care about the ordinary man or woman?” another distraught German said from a bus stop in Berlin.

Boris Johnson (Rambojo) Ventures Deep Into South London

World

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January 23, 2015

Today, we’re in search of insurgents deep in the South of Londonistan.

The Mayor of Londonistan, Boris Johnson, has decided to do things himself, a Kalashnikov, no helmet and a gut full of Chardonnay.

“This is where Jihadi John comes from and I’m going to sniff that little twerp from his hole faster than you can say amo, amas, amat,” the Mayor told awestruck Fox news reporters.

Most of the civilians in South Londonistan have now disappeared. Many have fled across the last standing bridge to North Londonistan but some, unfortunately, have died in the clashes.

Once airlifted in to the LZ somewhere near Streatham to the strains of Wagner, Rambojo, armed with an assortment of weapons including a .50 cal machine gun continued to clean out the dilapidated areas leaving many in his path no more than pieces of mince meat.

“It’s as if he’s posing for when he becomes prime minister,” a member of public said cheering on Rambojo.

There was, of course, no comment from David Cameron’s office.

Greece: Choose Your Next Words Carefully They May Be Your Last

World

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January 21, 2015

Imagine the EU as Xerxes, a force that absorbs everything in its path, and punishes those that do not fall at its feet as slaves.

This is the Greek tragedy that is playing now in theatres all over the ruined austerity ridden country.

The Greeks must choose between slavery or freedom, between the EU or Greece, between poverty or hope of some restoration in the future.

The choice is yours Greece, your vote will prove if you still have the spirit of your ancestors or not.

David Cameron Invoiced For Missing TV Debate

World

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January 21, 2015

David Cameron Invoiced For Missing TV Debate

David Cameron, from Number10, Downing street, was invited to the election TV debate just before Christmas.

An invoice for £150,000.95 was sent by his election rival’s offices, who said Cameron’s non-attendance left the parties out of pocket and his campaigners had their details to tell them he was not going.

Cameron’s election campaign officer said he had been told he would be taken to the small claims court for refusing to pay.

Election campaigners for the Conservative party found the invoice in a brown envelope in Cameron’s lunch bag last week.

Mr Taunton, a spin doctor for the Tories said: “It was a proper invoice with full official details and even had bank details on it.

“I can understand that they’re upset about losing campaign funds. The money isn’t the issue, it’s the way the way they went about trying to get the money from us.”

Je Suis Charles

World

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January 20, 2015

Hello, I am the Prince of Wales, Charles. I am also the prospective future king of England, Wales and Scotland, you know when mama finally, finally drops orf, sort of mid 2050ish or thereabouts.

One…er…just had to make that known, because in the papers recently there has been all of this Je Suis Charlie stuff and no mention of me, Charles, the future king, for heaven’s sake.

One does get rather flustered sometimes with all this terrorism about, it certainly messes with the architecture, you can’t have bombs nestling amongst the gadrooning, it’s absolute sacrilege.

One mentioned such horrors to Camilla the other day after watching the Frenchies running around in a panic, it was almost as if they had lost their Frenchiness by pottering around with automatic weapons. I seem to have rather fond memories of them waving white flags and such during the war. It is certainly good to see a petit fight back shall we say.

Anyway, please remember, Je Suis Charles. I shall be the future king. Do not forget that my future subjects.

Why Only Free Love Can Cure World

World

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January 20, 2015

If people join together freely, everyone would be happy and have no cause for war any more. Love is the only cure for war, hatred, racism and economic inequality. Instead of fighting each other in division, we should embrace the spirit of Dionysus, the spirit of Bacchus, all the joys and pleasures of free love. We’re not talking hippy stuff, which was a movement created by the CIA, we’re talking about the original concept of love, the spirit of mankind before any religion, or state political concept was formed,” leader of the Love Party, , revealed on Tuesday in Rome.

How will global free love work?

“The first step is to hug people. If you see someone hug them. That is the first step. From then, politicians worldwide will designate free love zones where anyone who ventures into the zone can get free love whoever they are, whatever creed, religion or disposition. Eventually, we would expand to global love zones, including current terrorist infested countries. Anyone shooting with a gun will put their weapons down. The light of love is strong, and it will dazzle hatred. It will emanate from every pore within the person who shows love. All politics will be obsolete, all military weaponry will be crushed in scrap yards to make more beds for people to sleep in, all hatred will be eradicated because everybody will be happy. The economies of the world will explode with cream filled happiness. No one will go hungry, everyone will have their appetite sated for love, pleasure, for awareness and for infinite knowledge.”

What about terrorism and hatred for freedom?

“Love is freedom, a break from the shackles of systems designed to enslave us. Only total love can cure this terrible totalitarian disease. If a terrorist, uniformed or not, can be made to feel total love and peace, he or she has no cause to be a terrorist any more. The reason these people are so unhappy is because they are removed from love. If we bring them into the circle of love and light then they will know what the truth is and how far they have strayed. They will never turn back. Love will cure the world, no children need to starve any more, because the weapons that people build will no longer be there, that budget to build weapons and walls will be gone, instead it could feed every woman and child one thousand times over on earth.

“The pure light of Love is indestructible, it cuts through any form of human instilled enslavement, it brings knowledge and understanding to all who are dispersed, confused and sad. This is the only cure for the world — Free Love,” added, before being enveloped in a bright light.