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Obama: “Ima Fly South For the Winter”

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President Obama is ready for his next executive action, he’s going to fly south for the winter months.

“It getting too cold up here, I need some sunshine on my wings, catch a few rays, play some golf, besides, I heard these rednecks be going duck hunting, Ima head south where a duck can be free,” president Obama said from his nest.

Looks like Obama’s days in Washington are numbered, especially seeing as those pesky Republicans and their shotguns got hold of the Senate.

Never mind, there’s always a third term, when the martial law thing kicks in..

The EU: Why We Will Tighten the Screws Soon

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“There are elements of numerous political systems meshed into one cohesive cloud that the EU hides behind. I say cloud, because the EU’s ideology is one of a dark black cloud where its technique is hidden from view, especially to citizens of nations this cloud hangs over. Yes, there are moments of lightning coming from the dirty foreboding cloud, but these bolts strike fear into dissenters, they disintegrate those who dare to question the cloud? So, what’s behind the cloud? Well, there is no sun, there are no clear skies, there is just another cloud. This is why the EU cloud is so dangerous, it will only reveal its true totalitarian self once it encompasses as much as it can, when the walls have been stripped, when national sovereignty has been eviscerated, when all semblance of individuality has been amalgamated, there will be no escape, especially for the little man at the bottom of the pile,” an unelected EU technician, was overheard describing the EU to a Brussels state reporter on Tuesday.

People don’t like to be free, they want the state to tell them what to do at each step of their lives, and the EU always answers their call.

“Resistance is futile, you will assimilate or we will destroy you. Your red poppies are meaningless, because those men who died in both world wars died for nothing, the UK was conquered economically, as the BMW Mini drives down your roads, and the diktats ring through your soon to be dissolved parliament, your country is now so integrated that to extract yourself is nigh on impossible. Your military is no match to the combined forces of the EU, you must accept defeat as the force is too strong, the dark bilious cloud extends over the cliffs of Dover now, fifteen years of unlimited EU migration are irreversible, this technique alone has destroyed your indigenous population who are now scattered, mixed up, and confused. Accept your fate Britain, you are now part of us, it is already too late, you cannot close your borders, we are already here, you must relax, let go, there is no more fight, your stiff upper lip quivers, you dare not say anything else, your British sensibilities of polite deference and acceptance are your final death knell. The cloud is here to stay,” August Mengele, an EU Kommandant from Frankfurt said on a recent Newsnight EU special report.

Einstein’s Theory of Fuzzy Slippers Discovered

The head of Princeton’s science department, professor Dwaine D. McCormack, has discovered a previously unknown treasure found in an old shoe box in Albert Einstein’s old room at Princeton university.

“I was thumbing through some old things in the room, when I came across an old shoe box, it was covered in a thick layer of dust, possibly from 1937. This new find is truly astounding and will revolutionise astro-physics forever,” the professor revealed.

It may have been in 1905 that Albert Einstein determined that the laws of physics are the same for all non-accelerating observers, and that the speed of light in a vacuum was independent of the motion of all observers but he left out one key element, one which general or special relativity does not include — fuzzy relativity.

Einstein spent 23 years perfecting the theory of fuzzy relativity and his ultimate creation was a pair of fuzzy shoes to illustrate his theorem.

The fuzz of gravity

Two objects exert a force of attraction on one another known as “gravity” but “fuzzy gravity” exerts a force no equal to any sum of total gravitational pulls as a pair of fuzzy slippers on a man’s foot, therefore by wearing fuzzy slippers, the wearer transmutes the external force towards non-linear spatial planes simultaneously transforming into a multi-dimensional continuum known as space-fuzz-time.

The document in the shoe box also outlines theorems which could revolutionise how we view time as a whole, with fuzzy time, there is no speed of light in the universe, there is simply fuzzy vortex time, where time expands and contracts into nothingness whilst maintaining equilibrium within a linear fuzzy tesseract string.

“He got the ideas by simply wearing fuzzy slippers. The strands of hair on a fuzzy slipper are strings of time, alternate universes all expanding and contracting in infinite dimensions. The universe is all time minus no time, therefore the question is what is outside the universe? Einstein reveals that gravitational fuzzshift occurs and universes fold inside and outward of each other, like a folding onion with fuzzy strands. What is outside the universe and its many layers is actually inside the universe and could easily fit into a sub-atomic particle. I had to initially question this, because Einstein is saying that the whole universe can fit into something that tiny is insane, but after following the theory through I really saw what he was saying. We are truly amazed,” professor McCormack explained.

Einstein’s theory of fuzzy slippers exhibition will be held at Princeton university in June 2015.

Frau Merkel: “Nein, Nein, Nein!”

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“Nein, nein, nein!” said the Iron Chancellor, as German newspapers ran with incendiary headlines like “Up Yours Cameronballs!”

Is there no end to the EU drama unfolding? Will history books be written about all this shit? Probably not, it’s just more posturing by David Cameron who is a keen dramatist with no substance.

“There’s nothing to see here folks, Cammo always does what he’s told, especially when the Iron Chancellor Merkel demands he falls in line even when he’s hamming it up to voters,” a disenchanted British voter told the BBC, before being cut off.

Celebrities Queueing Up For Virgin Galactic spacecraft Tours

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Princess Beatrice can’t get enough of the Virgin Galactic spacecraft and has ordered seats not only for herself but ten other hangers on, the royal palace has revealed today.

Amongst other celebrities to reach for the stars will be TOWIE star, Gavin Carver, and X Factor superstars, Neil Dunse, Andrea Pisse, as well as Simon Cowell.

Tickets for the space flights cost a mere £250,000, and for that you will get delightful service as you float across the stars.

“It’s a once in a life time opportunity, like you do it once and once only,” a Virgin Galactic spokesperson said on Monday.

Obama Graduated From Bush

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When George W. Bush was reading My Pet Goat, the class were repeating messages from the kite, some very pertinent words, that they did not know the significance.

“Plane, Must, Hit, Steel”

And there was Georgie boy sitting there in silence, with a big quacking smirk on his face.

“Plane, Must, Hit, Steel”

Over and over the children say it, as the goat looks on, he knows very well that the plane must hit steel, as the façade crumbles into white dust, he does not flinch from the ritual.

Soon after, Obama, the enlightened enters the scene, the clown is gone, this next demon is taught that graduation is a must for the horned goat commands his total and utter obedience.

The ordinaries do not see what the enlightened see, it is not in their remit to even understand one symbolic gesture that flutters across the screen. And so it was the same with 911, it was a symbolic gesture, a feat of wonder, the century of change had begun with an almighty celebration.

As one moment passes another arises, listen to the horns of deception over the orchestra, what will you think in the FEMA camps? Was this all a dream or is this barbed wire actually real? Think for one second, really think.

Beggar: “Just Look at My Face Mr. Miliband I’m Human”

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A beggar in Manchester pleaded to Ed Miliband, the Labour leader, to look at her face as he dropped a two pence piece in her cup.

“Although I appreciate the two pence piece Mr. Miliband dropped in my cup he couldn’t even bring himself to look at me, sleeping rough and not having a home is hard as it is. I know Mr. Miliband has a £2.6 million home in a swish part of London but I’m human, I’ve got a soul like any other. A simple word of kindness would have been good for me. Anyway, thanks for the tuppence,” the woman said to reporters afterwards with a stream of tears running down her dirty face.

Yellen: “I Called Off the Pumping”

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“The pumping had to stop sooner or later. You people in the markets received $5.4 trillion now that’s more than enough to work with. Too much pumping makes the market sore, not soar, okay it made it soar, but artificially, and it had nothing to do with fundamentals. I’m going to say this only once, the Fed just took away the balustrades, so free money’s over for all y’all sober folks. You could’ve bought stock in some shitty profitless bookshop somewhere in Wichita and made millions while we were pumping. You know when they start selling in the pits, I see holes coming up in the ground, like big fucking holes, with lava overflowing. Doves and hawks, bulls and bears, you’re all the same now. Make your own decision, I ain’t sayin’ anything else,” and with a flourish, Janet Yellen disappears in a puff of smoke, leaving a slight tinge of sulphur in the air.

It’s a good thing the Federal Reserve is not part of the United States and is its own separate entity especially under the current conditions and what is to invariably follow.

The wolf of Wall Street? That’s just a memory in the cocaine addled mind of a hyena, because in Wall Street, there are way more sheep than wolves, you may think you’re a wolf but waves are waves, and tsunamis are tsunamis.

Back in May, one of our eminent experts outlined a few scenarios for the upcoming cessation of QE as we also wrote about in 2013, a deadly apocalyptic soup of misguided action where the prepared will fall just as hard as the unprepared. When things are this big, preparedness is moot, an indelible lack of reasoning quality always falls on those blinded by money and riches. The actual debt liability owed by the U.S. government is $222 trillion furtively called the ‘fiscal gap’ it encompasses actual liabilities and not the ‘official’ debt.

Pay your respects now as the true spirit of Sammy Hain is upon us, and the markets reach up to soleil, far through the wings of Icarus, and fall across the gaze of Milton’s Pandæmonium.

David Cameron: “I Will Pay £1.7 Billion EU Bill”

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“Let’s face it, it’s not that large amount of money, it only means it’s one thousand seven hundred million pounds sterling. That’s what I’ll put on the cheque because we have gained so much from the EU. This money is so much better used in Brussels to be given to our French chums, it’s called redistribution of wealth, where we make the money, and they lose it for us. That money wasn’t going to be used by Britain any way, we don’t have any problems here, you know we want to help the EU’s profligate countries who sure like to spend spend spend, whilst Britain saves for a rainy day and then has that money removed unceremoniously I might add. Today is a rainy day, so thanks for the £1.7 billion bill, we are honoured to give our money away into a vast black hole where we will never see any return or gratitude,” David Cameron told the BBC, on Tuesday.

The prime minister is so devoted to the EU project that he now wants to champion a dedicated EU tax, where money that Britons make will be channelled straight to EU coffers and the bank accounts of unelected EU technicians.

Obama: Illegal Immigrants Want to Work Unlike African Americans

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“African Americans on the whole don’t want to work, but illegal immigrants do, now there’s the difference. They’re worth something and African Americans not so much. This is the message I gotta give, it’s a hard message to digest but this is why we’re bringing in millions of people into this country because they have a hunger to work — you guys don’t,” president Obama said at a recent Immigration rally which was marred by African American thugs causing disorder and mayhem.

“It is a sad fact that for hundreds of years, African Americans have not made their mark in business, education, science, innovation or entrepreneurship. Instead, millions of blacks are languishing either in prison or on welfare programs relying on EBT systems to feed their large families.

“The only thing that African Americans have contributed to society is a few excellent musicians and thug rappers and sports personalities. That’s it. We had some African Americans fighting in Nam and Korea in the sixties, some in the Gulf war, for that we thank the participants who did their duty for America.

“Unintelligent African Americans on the whole are uneducated, they’re bordering on levels of retardation in fact, especially when it comes to intelligence levels compared to their white or Asian counterparts. Yes, we have affirmative action here in the U.S. but what’s the point I say in filling jobs just because someone is of colour? Why not put people in jobs that can actually do the job and want to do the job. Colour should not come into the equation at all.

“This is why we need immigrants now, and they supersede African Americans in all aspects including work ethic. Blacks had their chance to prove themselves over and over again, but failed. They’re bringing America down, every ghetto, every city like Detroit and Chicago. It’s like a goddamn burdensome cesspit now. They only know how to express themselves through gun violence, theft and brutality.

“I’m an African immigrant myself. I’m not African American, my parents and ancestors were not from slave stock. Now, please don’t say I’m abandoning you African Americans, you abandoned yourselves. Face it, there is no hope for you lazy clowns, sittin’ on your asses all day and stealing sneakers, doing your knockout games on whitey, flash robbing stores and causing riots in Ferguson. Yeah I wanna talk about Ferguson, that boy was rushing the officer, now get over it. African Americans are violent with huge chips on their shoulders, and think this through for one second, the law is the law, it don’t owe you anything just because you’re black. No mo’ gibsme culture please. If you do the crime, officer gonna shoot, that’s it no qualms, no crying over spilled black blood.

“The Illegal Alien Amnesty is going ahead folks, so reach out and embrace these wonderful people who want to work, who want a piece of the dream, because if they work hard enough they will get what you guys could not be bothered to get. They deserve it.”

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