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Feminists Urged to Go Topless

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Jan Gette, the leader of FEMINAZ, a radical feminist group that has united other splinter groups together, is urging the use of free choice and freedom to be female.

“We want to show our breasts. We are women, we are one. All women who consider themselves free must take their tops off in public as a gesture of solidarity to the feminine voice. We must celebrate womanhood and our call to arms, to fight prejudice, inequality and the male dominated hierarchy. We do this by displaying our glorious breasts for your enjoyment.”

Worldwide feminists will show their support on Thursday, by revealing their feminine beauty to the rest of the world.

The sole stipulation for the radical action is that only slim, good looking feminists should go topless.

“Any girls with moustaches, hairy chests, or who are clinically obese are not advised to remove their tops. We are urging those wimmin to stay in the office pushing the feminist agenda on the internet,” Gette, herself, a leggy blonde with a 45 DD bust measurement, added.

As of yet, there has been no voice of disapproval from anyone of the proposed action.

 

Sun Newspaper to Have Zero Sales

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Rupert Murdoch is canning Page 3 and may even close the Sun newspaper down forever, columnists and editors who work on the tabloid have revealed.

“I don’t think there is a graph that will illustrate how far below zero the sales will go. I mean Page 3 is the Sun, and without it it might as well be a bird without tits, sorry about that one Angelina, but in all seriousness, I’ve packed my 10,000% zoom telephoto lens camera and mobile phone hacking gear away already, as for the brown envelopes stuffed with cash which we give to certain people, mentioning no names, we’ve had to give them back to Rupert. Fair game, innit, we had a good run. Bet they’re celebrating in Liverpool right now,” deputy editor of the Sun, Argyll Philthe, told the Feminist Times on Tuesday.

There have been calls for one last splash across Page 3, maybe every single Page 3 babe who has ever graced the newspaper should get their baps out one last time, even the ones from the 1970s who are still alive or have turned into crusties on marches.

David Cameron Refuses Election TV Debate Unless Perez Hilton Present

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“I emphatically refuse to do an election TV debate unless my dear friend Perez Hilton has a chair,” the Prime Minister told an electoral select committee on Monday.

Why on earth would David Cameron want a chicken tattle tale limp wristed yellow mess like Perez Hilton on a TV debate?

According to Cameron’s election campaign leader, Bunny Lieber, the Prime Minister feels great affiliation with Perez and wants someone up there who he can bounce ideas off.

“David Cameron is a keen CBB fan, absolutely obsessed with Perez, much to the consternation of his former paramour Nick Clegg. The love is definitely gone between those two.”

The Liberal Democrats, Ukip and Labour have all agreed to Cameron’s selection, although Nick Clegg may sulk in the corner during the TV debate.

U.S. Air Strikes on ISIS Seem to be Working

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“We send thousands of missiles here and there costing hundreds of thousands of dollars each. It’s not like we can’t afford to do that all the time. Sure we’re hitting derelict buildings and if by chance we hit an Islamic State Jihadi, another ten pop up in their place. It’s like a win win situation, you know we’re gonna win this thing,” vice president, Joe Biden told reporters before falling back asleep on a table top.

President Obama had this to say about the current air strikes on empty buildings situation.

“I gots me two words to say. Go on ax me what they is? Mission Accomplished! Now take that back to the bank and cash it! Stop buggin’ me foo’ go play with some traffic already.”

Global Economy Resembles Welfare Playground Say Experts

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“The swings are violent, one minute up 20% the next down 60% and are symptomatic of a crash larger than 2008 approaching fast. The merry-go-round spins around screeching, sending sparks flying into the air and as for the slides, the queue to take them is enormous, especially when the end of the slide falls into a bottomless pit where blood filled syringes blanket the excrement laden floor and the used condoms pile up in the darkness,” economist, Purley Gates, told a world symposium on recession and the global economy yesterday.

The Swiss Franc 30% movement on Thursday was a little indication of how markets can move in milliseconds. One millisecond is not enough time to react as the market suddenly lurches to a point that may take months or years to reach. Even algo traders may have a hard time dealing with that one. What of the scenarios in the exchanges, their automated systems would be reminiscent of the 1987 crash where brokers just did not pick their phones up any more.

Global stock markets have had an incredible run up since 2008, but on what?

“Basically it’s all hot air. the markets have risen on nothing solid but printed fake money. There are no solid fundamental reasons for especially the Dow and S&P to have risen as they have. This is pure manipulation and if you have a false recovery as you are having in the US and UK, then sooner or later the reaper will open the curtains of illusion. We’re building debt upon debt and buying stocks from that debt. The unfunded deficit liabilities in America are over $127 Trillion. We will never be able to pay back the deficit or debt in a million years, it’s just mathematically impossible. Since Obama came into office, he has buried this country in $9 Trillion of even more fucking debt. What has Obama done to show for his spending? Sweet F.A Who is going to pay for it? You think the Chinese want that? No, and no! No one wants that mess,” some guy on the floor of the CBOT told Reuters.

“What of Britain? Cheered on by the IMF on a job well done. For what? The economy is in terrible shape, lacklustre manufacturing, tied to a tanking EU economy, limited employment and no wage rises for decades. Even though oil prices have dropped below $45, petrol is still overpriced because the Treasury takes 70% of the cost in tax. The welfare bill for taxpayers is enormous in today’s Britain making up just over 50% of all taxation. The NHS is crumbling as it is the world’s health service, where anyone can take a flight to Britain and be treated for free, this is not including the poorest European ex-soviet nations who are bringing everyone over. The pot holes in the roads are testament to how public expenditure is not being utilised in crucial places like transportation. Factor in the wars on two fronts, and you have a recipe for an unsavoury dung deficit meatball sandwich laced with a diarrhoea debt gravy recovery,” some guy in an empty factory said.

Historians: “Islam Still at Christian Medievel Inquisition Stage”

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“The only Islamic nation that ever attempted to secularise and reform an Islamic country was Turkey, through Kemal Ataturk, who banned public Islamic dress and secularised the country in the 1920s. Under the control of Erdogan, the current president of 2015, Turkey has gone back to its staunch Islamic roots and is in the process of de-secularising the nation, as Islamic doctrines take centre stage. The reformations of Kemal Ataturk are all but forgotten memories, as Turkey moves back East, rejected by the Christian EU, at the same time rejecting the EU in consequence.

“Islam is a slow mover when it comes to evolution as is the natural progression of monotheistic religions, and is still at the Inquisition stage where heresy and apostasy are punished with death. The Christian religion, prior to the Enlightenment itself went through many brutal movements. The Crusades, were another period in Christianity which caused much death and mayhem.

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“The recent Iraq war of 2003 is a further reference point in Islamic and Christian history because it awakened the Islamic people from their stasis. George W. Bush himself proclaimed his violent adventure as a ‘crusade’ against Islam. This action, in turn created a counter effect which rallied the troops of the Islamic religion, spurred on by preachers and Muslim people who saw their religion and lands being desecrated.

“The Roman Catholic branch of Christianity has a Pope, and the other sects have Archbishops. Islam is one religion that has no central focus figure or central command centre, that is until now with a proposed Caliphate, which harks back a thousand years to the zenith of the Islamic conquest of lands.

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“During the Inquisition stage of Christianity thousands of people were murdered and tortured in cold blood by Christian religious zealots, and so the same is happening now in Islam. In fact, throughout history, Christianity has murdered close to a billion humans in the name of its religion and forcibly converted many to its ranks. The Christian church started killing unbelievers as early as the 4th century. The killing (often with torture) of heretics, church splinter groups, dissenters, atheists, agnostics, deists, pagans, infidels and unbelievers was supported by almost all mainstream Christian theology for over a thousand years, starting with the intolerant St. Augustine (died 430 AD).

“The numerous wars created by Christian nations as well as the levelling of Nagasaki and Hiroshima, are testament to the underlying brutality of religion, where wars conducted by Christian nations seek to justify their faith with conflict. When George W. Bush said that he spoke with God daily, his regime was brutalising and torturing millions of people in Iraq and Afghanistan.

“The Nazis were Christians and as they piled up dead Jews into gas chambers, they believed they were doing the right thing, much like George W. Bush and Tony Blair, and God was approving of their actions. Through Christianity, Nazi Germany was able to murder over six million Jews.

“Adolf Hitler himself said: “I believe today that I am acting in the sense of the Almighty Creator. By warding off the Jews I am fighting for the Lord’s work.” [Adolph Hitler, Speech, Reichstag, 1936]

“One man’s believer is another man’s infidel, this is why, if Christians want to understand the brutality of what is going on now and the reaction that is occurring, they must first understand their own sadistic religious history and how out of all religions, theirs has been the most brutal and deadly.”

Fox News Reporters Brave the Horrors of Birmingham

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Doug Ignant, Fox News terror expert recalled some of the horrors the war correspondents had to deal with on a recent trip to Birmingham.

“We came in in a Huey, fifteen clicks from Da Trang, the gooks were shooting at us all the way down. One of our camera guys, Joey, he got hit in the ankle by a stray bullet, poor bastard never got hit before and was crying like a little baby. Then out of nowhere, shazzam, some guy appears out of a bush, maybe he was Russian, he started shouting ‘Allahu Akbar’ I said okay and gave him a Snickers. That was our guide, nice guy named Charlie Abdul, we paid him fifty British pounds, I don’t understand this Limey money, why don’t they use dollars like everybody else? We got taken under a bridge, the city centre was through some trees, but they (sic) weren’t much left, just stumps. The city was blanketed by smoke and we couldn’t hear ourselves think from the sound of 50 cal bursts and mortars. I had my morphine, a camera and a notepad, that was it.”

At this point, the Fox war correspondents were ambushed by a dozen armed Jihadists and all communication was sadly lost.

The U.S. Air Force have been searching the area from the air with no luck yet.

DEVELOPING

Obama: Je Suis Charlie Hebdo

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“Ah, ya know got up in the morning, or was it afternoon or something, can’t remember? Someone gives me a piece of paper telling me something about world leaders in Paris France. Hell, you know me, any chance to get some free air miles and taxpayer hotel suites, but this time I just couldn’t do it. Ah shucks, after you’ve had one hundred presidential suites they all just the same, nome sayin’? I just said, tell them to send the ambassador, I got more important things to do like, er, play some golf and shit, maybe next massacre in France, I might make an appearance, but if there’s even more after that, it’s gotta be the ambassador for you Hebdo guys,” the president of the United States, Barack Hussein Obama told CNN on Tuesday.

American Economy Soars at Expense of Russia

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Vladimir Putin has been left with a greasy fried egg on his face as Americans boast about their soaring economy.

With a Fitch credit rating only one level above junk status, the Russians can only look on as the USA laughs at their economic misfortune.

“The US economy is exceeding all limits and is set to soar even further. What about those Russkies? Not only did we confiscate some serious billions from them but oil prices will be kept low for years, which is good for America but not for Russia, how you like that you hard headed vodka swilling ball sacks?” Rudy Meisner, a U.S. board of trade delegate taunted on a Russia Today transmission, Friday.

There was no reply from any Russians to the American snide remark, just silence as they upgraded their nuclear arsenal.

Sarcophagus Found in A&E Could Go to British Museum

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Jean Dremble, an A&E nurse discovered a sarcophagus on a hospital trolley in a corridor shortly after 4am on Sunday the BBC reported.

“Well, we have a lot of skeletons on trolleys so at first I thought nothing of it,” Ms. Dremble said of the incident.

After further inspection, it was revealed to be really, really old and will be sent to the British Museum for analysis.

Sunninghill hospital NHS managers were said to be ‘glad the thing was out of the way finally’ and one area of the corridor was clear.

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