It’s our annual day off on April Fools day.
This is the only day we get off in the whole year. The staff at the Daily Squib would like to thank our readers for a great year and we should be back tomorrow if the hang overs are not too bad.
Corporate Business People Start Own Music Service
Styling themselves as the ‘next big thing’ the people even went as far as to call themselves ‘artists’ but anyone with any form of logic or reality would know better.
Exploit
“Our logo is an inverted triangle if you connect the outer edges. This is trying to denote that we are not the usual bottom to top triangle as is usually the case but otherwise. In reality we ourselves are corporate whores who have watched our masters and want to emulate them by becoming corporate arseholes ourselves. This new music service will trick consumers into paying for more banal corporate material in the guise of being from the ‘artist’ which we certainly are not. That’s why you, a sucker who is into autotuned template RnB shite and sub standard pap can pay us £20 a month. Alternatively, you can just buy a subscription for one month, record all the music you can through audio capture or download everything for free off the internet. Hey, we need to keep our mansions going, somebody gotta pay,” corporate rapper, Jay Z told his audience at the launch.
In other news, real artists are staying away and letting these loons make fools of themselves.
Besieged ‘English English’ and Their Silent March to Elysium
Sir Roger Moore, the quintessential Englishman, is of a dying breed that is being stamped out in a silent death march to oblivion and although there are minor squeaks of discontent here or there, the stiff upper lipped silence is deafening.
“Real English people, you know those who have ancestors going back thousands of years, are retreating, in a silent manner, away from the cataclysmic influx. They rarely mingle with the migrants, due to fear, disdain and their desire to stay amongst their own. The same applies to employment in businesses and companies, where the ‘English English’ have their CVs looked at whilst the rest are put in the bin, something that is kept very quiet and never mentioned. There is a quiet code no one talks about, it’s not in the main stream media, or the BBC, where token migrants are paraded around to read news stories, the quiet code states that the core English community is very far apart from the rest, and it does not need to be class distinctive either, the English working classes have had to deal with the brunt of the influx, but they have kept their distance from the migrants. The Upper and Middle classes have been somewhat cushioned but are seeing the changes to their country every day, and they do not like it,” an Englishman said anonymously from his besieged castle outside the capital.
There is a sadness that the country which they have known and fought for for thousands of years is no more. What can the embattled English do?
EU Wants You to Dump Facebook
You know, maybe we here at the Squib need to re-evaluate our relationship with the EU, but it is oh so confusing.
On the one hand the EU is a sort of quasi-sovietised entity that dictates weird directives towards its citizens and member states but on the other side, they do speak some sense.
The latest piece of advice from the EU regards Facebook, and they’re advising citizens to dump the data gatherer from your life, that is if you value your privacy. Well, we warned our readers from the beginning in 2007 that Facebook was an inherently evil data gathering operation run and financed by the spooks, and now the EU is advising to dump Facebook…hmm
What to do? Dump Facebook or dump the EU, or dump both?
Which one is the lesser of two evils? These are the questions we must ask. Should you abscond to a jungle clearing in Borneo and dump the lot, or just dump Facebook and live in the EU where you are probably being spied on anyway.
Well, the simple truth of the matter is, governments have been spying on citizens since the birth of..er..governments, it’s just that these days they’re spying on your every keystroke on the internet. Every citizen within the developed world has large dossiers on themselves, every web page visited, every search term typed, every smartphone conversation is logged and through GPS your every movement is tracked. If you are employed, your employers have vast troves of detailed information about you including your personal life. The insurance industry has all your private data including detailed information of your health records.
So, what is the EU trying to do here? On the one hand they’re saying, dump Facebook if you value your privacy, on the other hand, the EU member states spy on you every day.
Who should you dump? Facebook which actively sells your private data, including private PMs to any company or entity that pays for it and is an arm of the NSA’s Prism program, or the collectivist soviet EU which spies on you as well?
Well, it depends on your sensibilities. If you like your data to be logged by the NSA and other American agencies, then keep your Facebook page. If you prefer to be spied on by the EU, then dump your Facebook page, you will still be spied on, just with a more European slant.
C’est la vie mes amis..
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Crash Pilot: At Least He Wasn’t a Muslim
“It’s a good thing the crash pilot was only a depressed guy and not a Muslim otherwise things would have been way more different. We’ll just brush this one under the carpet and the guy’s forgiven,” Anders Hausser, one of the team investigating the crash revealed on Friday.
Forgiveness has come swiftly for Andreas Lubitz, the co-pilot who flew the plane into the mountain, as reports filter through that he was a good Christian, a little depressed though, especially after his girlfriend leaving him.
No doubt, this crash will be out of the news faster than a speeding jet hurtling towards a mountain.
Bercow to Set Wife On Tories
“After the shabby and frankly obvious actions of the Tories to oust me I have been given no other option but to set my fucking wife on you stinky Tories,” a visibly angry and shaken Speaker of the House, John Bercow squeaked in parliament yesterday.
The plan to oust the biased Speaker, who always favours the Labour party in parliamentary debates, has been on the Tory agenda for some time but the plot to unseat Bercow failed miserably at the last quarter.
“The Speaker is meant to be neutral but Bercow is an obvious Labour plant. Him and his awful staunchly Labour supporting wife are a team concocted in the rotting rectum of Gordon Brown’s era,” a Tory backbencher said before slinking back behind a curtain.
Conservative backbenchers and MPs are on full alert as rumours swirl of possible action against them, like being bundled into a stained white sheet whilst Mrs Bercow’s gypsy prize fighter lover lumbers up out of the shadows to beat the living shit out of them. Mr Bercow may even join in kicking them in the shins, such is the desire for revenge from the Speaker.
Labour: We Want Our System Back
“We created the whole system of national health, BBC and welfare state under Sir William Beveridge and Clement Attlee. Therefore it does not matter which government is in power, the whole system is socialist, and we are the rightful owners of it. The Tories can think they are right wing, but they’re just presiding over our system,” Ed Balls, the shadow Chancellor told the BBC.
Being ousted from government, socialist Labour feels its system is being mismanaged by the socialist Tories, as do the millions of people on welfare schemes, therefore the First Past the Post electoral system will ensure the return of the Labour socialist system to its original architects.
“You can have an extreme right wing leader running the country, but he or she would still be atop a socialist system originally created by the post-war Labour government. Britain is socialist through and through, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it,” an unemployed man at a bus stop revealed on his way to the job centre.
CNN Reporter: If Humans Abort Babies Why Not Abort Adults?
“A human is a human whether a live infant or an adult, therefore the aborting of human babies is no different to aborting adult humans because they’re both alive,” Sally Kohn, a CNN contributor revealed on Tuesday.
Ms Kohn’s proposal for the Obama administration and entrepreneurs to install Abort Pods across America where people who feel they need to be aborted for the good of the planet has been taken on enthusiastically.
“It’s like a public rest room. You put in a coin, walk in and press the big green button. Voila, you’re aborted. It all happens in a blink of an eye and there’s no pain. Afterwards, the liquid is simply flushed into the sewer where it is eventually recycled and when Americans turn on their tap, they drink a part of you. It’s no different to abortions of human babies, because essentially those are alive as well,” Ms Kohn said with a gleeful smile.
Dot com billionaire Josh Rasmussen, has already taken on the plans and the Obama administration thinks it is an amazing idea worth implementing across the United States.
“We got an app up and running right now, iAbortPod, available on all app stores. Just book an abortion session and it will tell you which area has a booth and a map to guide you, whether it’s in use or if there is a queue. You too can reduce your global footprint and carbon emissions by aborting yourself. The scheme is 100% recyclable and just think of the benefit you are doing against global warming.”
Jane Callous, an MSNBC contributor loves the idea: “I want to do my bit to halt global warming. That’s why I’m aborting myself next week at the inauguration ceremony for the first Abort Pod in downtown Los Angeles.”
FAQ
1) How will the Abort Pod work?
The ground-breaking technology behind the Abort Pod is secret but it involves a painless and fast way of aborting humans. Once the initial stunning process is completed in less than 5 seconds, the body is liquefied and recycled by being sent to water purification plants to be later reintroduced into the water table. From start to finish the whole process takes two minutes.
2) How much does it cost?
A session in the Abort Pod costs a quarter, yes that’s 25 cents. Users simply put a quarter into the coin machine and you’re good to go.
2.5) Can I get a refund?
No, because you’ll be aborted by then.
3) Will my Facebook page be notified of my abortion?
Yes, once the process is complete, your Facebook and Twitter profiles will update automatically that you have been aborted with a special message of how you have done your bit to halt global warming.
4) What if I change my mind?
Sorry, once you have made your decision and paid up, you will have 2.3 seconds before the process begins, unless you are super human and can move at the speed of light to get out of the locked booth you ain’t gotta chance in hell.
5) How will this halt global warming?
Well, it’s simple, the less humans on the earth, the better it is for the environment. Your carbon footprint will be reduced as you won’t be here any more.
6) Will there be music before the Abort Pod process kicks in?
Yes, there will be a choice of music which you can assign on your app profile. We have a good choice from gentle atmospheric electro dance music to rock, punk or classical. There will also be a recorded message from president Obama, that you are doing the right thing for the environment and an affirmation of your sacrifice.
7) What if I mistook the Abort Pod for a public toilet?
That’s just too bad.
Alex Salmond Really Does Not Like the English
“I try to like them but I can’t do anything else but hate them. That’s why I will do everything in my power, including using the Labour party as a traitorous pact to break up the country,” Mr. Salmond told the BBC on Tuesday.
When Alex Salmond was told that the Labour party is essentially an English political party he was nonetheless even more aggressive with his answer.
“Yeah, but they [the Labour party] do not have any policies that favour the English, or Britain. Look what they did in 1997 after the election. Brought economic misery and millions of immigrants from the poorest countries in the world into Britain who are all now on benefits. Gordon did a hatchet job on Britain’s gold reserves by selling them all off at the bottom of the market, and the rest is history, Britain is still trying to recover from the damage. Even Al Qaida couldn’t have damaged Britain as much.”
James Corden: Unadulterated Sycophancy and Praise Will Get You Everywhere
“If you’re a Brit and you come over to America you gotta lick boot, and that’s why James Corden may have broken the mould of the ‘superior’ Brit thing that got people like Piers Morgan into so much trouble, especially with the gun control affair. Americans love to be buttered up, and the celebrities just want to hear about their success all the time, something the Brits don’t do and it’s all too down to earth in the UK for the Yanks. Americans don’t want reality, just hosts that sniff celebrity butt holes and tell them how great they are. Like a shameless whore, James Corden is nothing more than someone who would not be out of place in a day time life insurance commercial or selling PPI, and he’s cracked America for that very reason. When it comes to dignity, he has none, and is testament to success in the field of effusive flattery for shit loads of money,” Renfro Grechtener, a TV critic told CBS on Tuesday.
All hail James Corden, an insipid, banal, now Americanised very rich sycophant buttering up the stretch skinned platitudinous trite over-clocked plastic celebrity effluent.
6 Brits That Tried to Break America and Failed
1) Piers Morgan
2) Russell Brand
3) Oasis
4) Robbie Williams
5) Ant and Dec
6) Gary Barlow
