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David Cameron: “When I Speak Words Don’t Come Out of My Mouth”

Heinrich Anschluss
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The PM’s press officer always lends a hand by bringing out a little black board for him to put forward his message with some pieces of chalk.

“It’s not that he doesn’t want to say anything, it’s just that what he says is sort of meaningless and transparent, almost like some kind of insipid jelly fish,” Peter Pesseltripe, Cameron’s press officer told the Telegraph.

David Cameron’s latest speech about EU immigration was thus reduced to a few scribblings on the board.

“Election, S.O.S, Help! Deflect until after election. Pro EU plan still in place. Need to win. Appease mob first. Help!”

 

Ukip in Desperate Bid to Demolish Mosques All Over Britain

Heinrich Anschluss
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Ukip in Desperate Bid to Demolish Mosques All Over Britain

From Lands End to John o’Groats, the mosques are infiltrating British culture, and it is Ukip’s job to put an end to it all.

“These mosques are everywhere. We have to stop this terrible encroachment upon our Christian sensibilities. I say bulldoze the lot,” Edward Sixtoes, a Ukip MP for Twittledale told the BBC.

Ukip leader Nigel Farage has put forward a plan.

“If the building has got these pointy things that stick up in the air, then it’s a mosque. Bulldoze the effing lot. Never mind if some bloke in a frock and a cross around his neck comes running out of one telling us to stop in the name of Jesus, it’s obviously some kind of Islamic trick,” Farage said standing outside Westminster Cathedral.

 

Cricketers to Get New Helmets

Heinrich Anschluss
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Cricketers to Get New Helmets

 

 

Gone are the genteel days of cucumber sandwiches and the odd half arsed swing, these days bowlers are trained to deliver balls to batsmen with almost bionic strength and speed.

“It’s not like the old days. They used to call cricket the gentleman’s game, now if you get away with a fractured skull and mild brain damage you’re lucky. It’s vicious out there, especially us Aussies. Bodyline? That was sissy stuff, now we can get bowlers to bounce the ball directly into your frontal neocortex. Howzat for precision?” an Australian cricket commentator revealed on Thursday.

The new kevlar reinforced steel helmets will be issued in June 2015 for the Australian Cricket Federation. Coming in at 77 kgs, the helmets are resistant to 9mm bullets and may even save cricketers lives.

Kim Kardashian Protects Ferguson Protesters — With Her Butt

Heinrich Anschluss
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Kim Kardashian Protects Ferguson Protesters — With Her Butt

TMZ reports that Kim Kardashian was at the Ferguson riots the other night and protected hundreds of protesters with her buttocks.

“The tear gas cannisters were coming over the top, then whoom, a big umbrella thang went over us. First we didn’t know what it was, but we found out it was Kim Kardashian’s butt, and she was catchin’ those cannisters in her ass crack. When they piled up, all she had to do was clench her cheeks and the cannisters flew back to the police. We was cheerin’ and pattin’ that thang like it was our saviour,” Krupp Johnsons, a protester on South Florissant, Ferguson revealed.

Ferguson police chief, Enos Strate, warned Kardashian to stop shielding the rioters: “One thing fer shure, good thang she didn’t eat no beans that night, coulda ignited them gases into a big ol’ explosion.”

The Kardashians, who only date African Americans, are great supporters of the civil rights movement and Kim’s panties have now been interned in the African American Museum of Heritage in South Central Los Angeles.

EU: Add On Another £37 Billion Please You’re British

Heinrich Anschluss
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EU: Add On Another £37 Billion Please You’re British

David Cameron was today detailing the extra £37 billion the EU is asking Britain to pay, which does not include the measly £1.7 billion bill the EU ordered Britain to pay out of nowhere last month.

“Well, maths was not my key subject at school, however I have got Georgie boy to tot the numbers up. Hmm, let’s see, I think it’s 38.7 billion pounds now. I’d be delighted to write a cheque out on behalf of British taxpayers to the European Union for that small amount. We certainly do not need that money, we’ve got a surplus here, the NHS is doing very well and our welfare spending is tiny. We don’t have any road projects planned, or massive pot holes, we don’t have schools funding to deal with or housing problems,” Mr Cameron said from Number 10 Downing Street.

West Florissant Twinned With Rodeo Drive Say Fashionistas

Heinrich Anschluss
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West Florissant Twinned With Rodeo Drive Say Fashionistas

“It’s beautiful here lots of flashing lights and lovely people. They have bonfires everywhere, with the smell of Wagyu steaks roasting over the open fire, at least that’s what I thought it was. The shopping is on a level all on its own, I mean where in the hell can you go in America without a card or cash and come away with racks of stuff you will never need. I picked up a rack of hair brushes from a store and some fly spray, it’s just wonderful. Rodeo Drive eat your heart out, W. Florrisant Drive is where it’s at,” Shaquanda Smith, a fashionista from Beverly Hills, Los Angeles told Vogue magazine.

The Vogue article also cites the beautiful people who walk the streets of West Florissant, mostly after dark.

“Our visit was a joyous affair. Everywhere we met really handsome and beautiful people, all courteous and willing to smile. Like, they were all models, they were so beautiful they hid their features with hoodies, and I got me some new eye liner, look at this it’s black and blue, hurts like hell,” another fashion lover wrote in the Vogue article.

 

Peculiar Analyst: “Sometimes You Have to Treat Dogs Like Dogs”

Heinrich Anschluss
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Peculiar Analyst: “Sometimes You Have to Treat Dogs Like Dogs”

 

“Hi, I’m the peculiar analyst, been around for awhile, let’s just put it down to a few millennia. You know, one little thing I have noticed about today is no one knows their place any more. If everyone thinks they’re kings and queens with a voice, then all we have is useless chatter, to me it’s all meaningless and counter-productive, to put it lightly.

“Let’s look at the despots who were placed into position in the Middle East many years ago. Well, they were removed rather unceremoniously by the global boys and look at what we have now. It’s not very nice, what with all that war, Isis and such, but the dictators of the past kept the peace. Arabs need to have strong dictatorial leaders otherwise their beastly nature comes through.

“The same applies to our neck of the woods. Granted, the days of Downtown are gone, however this global stuff is rather irksome. Mixing all these people in a big bucket is injurious, not only for the people being mixed up but for the people mixing it up.

“Riots I hear you say? Naturally, there will be many, because rats do get rather agitated when they’re stuck in a cage piled on each other. More abortions would do the trick, give us all a rest from these cockroaches and rats piled on top of each other. How about a bit of Ebola or a Ferguson riot or twenty? Some people need to be told what to do all the time, they can’t function without it. Certainly, slavery is a necessary evil and hopefully one day we may move from covert back to overt.

“Oh everybody’s got a voice now. How endearing that is, because in my opinion, if everyone has a voice, then the music stops. It’s a classless system engineered where voices and opinions are not created by the hit makers but by the mass of people. There lies the difference, there is no quality control, it’s messy and to tell you the truth smells a bit but it keeps the hordes busy with entertainment. Their voice is their own prison, their own hell.

“You know, I long for the day when people quieten down a bit, a little more introspection would be nice. Where the troglodytes don’t have to vomit out every inane thought they have or take pictures of their tea posting it on twatter. I detest social media, it is a machine that was designed solely to fool people into thinking they had a voice, but we all know the truth now, it is simply an early warning system for the boys up top. There are no pubs any more to have a good listen, to see what the common man is thinking..or plotting.

“Anyway, until next time, fuck off you plebs and leave me to drink my glass filled with thoughts of utopia.”

Grand Jury: Darren Wilson Innocent Without Charge

Heinrich Anschluss
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The hero cop, Darren Wilson has been released after an incident with a man in August.

“He was only doing his job. This whole fiasco has been a farce at the expense of the taxpayer, and frankly I’m appalled,” a spokesman for someone said today.

The cost of the needless investigation is estimated to be over $34 million to the U.S. taxpayer and that’s not including lawyers fees.

“We just hope we can get on with our lives because no one needs to be dragged through the mud just for doing their job. Wilson deserves a medal for his composure and service to the nation, not a wacky court case show to appease some irrational idiots,” a man on the scene of the court told CNN.

Obama: “I’m Acting How Republicans Wish They Could Act”

Heinrich Anschluss
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Obama: “I’m Acting How Republicans Wish They Could Act”

President Barack Obama is simply doing what the Republicans wish they could do but are too caught up in petty things like the U.S. constitution, Congress and laws of the land.

“They wish they could do as I am doing now. I answer to no one. If I think of something I act on it with impunity and without legal counsel. You see my Republican cowards, you cannot touch me, I am not called Teflon Barry for nothing. Impeach me if you dare. Republicans stand for cowardice, ain’t that so Mr. Boehner?” the president taunted at a recent Immigration fund raising event.

The EU is Nazi Germany Backwards Say Historians

Heinrich Anschluss
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The EU is Nazi Germany Backwards Say Historians

The EU is doing things backwards, as they still hold the same strategy as Nazi Germany but are merely operating in a covert reverse fashion.

The violence and war will come towards the end of the EU’s life. Many nations which have been supposedly amalgamated into the EU entity have factions within their populations that may revolt in the future.

There is only so far the elastic band can be pulled before it snaps back, and the EU’s policy of disenfranchising millions of people within its prison borders will come back to haunt the unelected technocrats at the top of the pyramid.

One thing the EU has been very careful to hide is their plan to create an EU military force, which they will implement soon. Currently, most EU states reside under the auspices of NATO, however in the future there will be movement away from this, or a limited presence within NATO’s banner.

A dedicated EU military force will emerge to seal countries into the sovietized fascist system of control and power. Eventually, all previous nation states will be completely stripped of their sovereignty and will merely be known as sectors within the EU state. Nationalism to previous national entities will be made illegal and punished severely.

The EU claims to be a proponent of racial equality, whereas Nazi Germany was staunchly for racial purity. You may think there is some difference there however the Aryan superiority of the higher echelons and majority of the EU populations still stand today. The EU in the future will cleanse their remaining populations of undesirables and those not deemed worthy.

How does this tie in historically with Nazi Germany and France? The Russian problem has always irked Europe, Napoleon and Hitler attempted to conquer the Russian bear but failed miserably ultimately resulting in their demise. The EU has plans to infiltrate Russia, first economically then militarily. Already, we are seeing these plans coming into effect with economic sanctions and the engineered reduction of the global petroleum prices.

If you want to understand the strategy of the EU read a history book of Nazi Germany’s strategy from the last page.

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