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Lost Amazon Tribe Already Into Selfies

Indigenous tribesmen living deep in the Amazon rainforest have emerged into the outside world and are already addicted to taking selfies and surfing social media sites, doctors treating the tribe revealed.

“They took to selfies like a duck takes to water. It was like from zero to ipad 3 in two seconds, never seen anything like it. Now they’re all on Facebook, Whatsup, blendr, drendr, doodledig, clapper, gonzo and buttcrackz,” Dr. Alonson Gomez, treating the tribes people told Brazilian news services.

The contact between the lost Amazon tribe took place in the Brazilian portion of the Amazon and was recorded in a video released on Friday. The tribesmen were already downloading apps after 15 minutes of walking into the clearing and meeting the group of doctors and anthropologists.

Intimate TSA Agents May Get Ebola First

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As the cocky TSA agent tells the man to bend over from West Africa and pats his crotch down, a bead of sweat falls onto his gloved hand. With a gestation period of 21 days little does the TSA agent know that when he has an itch in his eye three minutes later, he’s rubbing Ebola virus into his eye.

TSA agents are on the front line, fondling, stroking people’s private parts during invasive searches daily.

“It’s not just the TSA agents who are at risk, they don’t change their gloves after each invasive search, they use the same pair of gloves all day, therefore any viral pathogens present on a gloved hand stay there and are spread from person to person. One person can therefore infect thousands in a day,” Dr. Lucius Trimble, from the Washington Virus Research Institute told MSNBC.

 

Who Needs a Green Card Any More?

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“Green Card? It used to be a very tricky affair gaining U.S. citizenship, but now all you need is two feet, a bottle of water and a smile,” Rodriguez Martines, an HIV positive crack dealer from Guatemala City, now in New York, told the Herald Tribune.

And it’s not only from the Americas that they come, the Third World reaches out to the safe haven of North America, as millions travel daily for an easy passage to dream land.

“We travelled from Sierra Leone to Mexico, then we had a short bus ride to the U.S. border. We were greeted at the border with open arms, food, clothing and promise of free housing. Thank you America,” another Ebola infected traveller revealed from his hospital bed.

There are many positives to the huge border influx, as Green Card waiting lists have dropped, no one needs a Green Card or to go through the laborious outdated processes of immigration any more.

Xiang Xing Ming, 23, travelled to Mexico last week, today he is languishing in Los Angeles and having a great time working tax free in his uncle’s noodle business.

On Capitol Hill, Nancy Pelosi had a few perfunctory words to say about the open door policy: “We are urging anyone who wants to come here, to simply walk across the border. We have taxpayers here who are welcoming you with open arms, willing to give you anything you need. This is the land of opportunity, and we want you now, your children, your grandparents, aunts, uncles, we extend our hands to greet you. Welcome .”

David Camoron to Win Election

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Speaking at his holiday home in Trudgechester, the Prime Minister is already revelling in victory.

“The coming election is won already, and as I sip my lemonade, I revel in my upcoming success in failure. It’s not the same old story every time, you know, Tories make the money, Labour spend it, that’s going to happen again under my watch. Georgie boy, I’ll promote you to Shadow Chancellor, I want you to see all your hard work disappear down the grime hole on every sordid episode of PMQs, although with the Mumsnet Stasi around, looks like we won’t have that anymore either. Excuse me, I’m off to make another irrelevant immigration gesture law to appease no one. Thank you.”

Larry David: Israelis Need to Eat Some Palestinian Chicken

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“I’m simply going to sit these people from both sides down and show them some of my curb episodes, if that doesn’t work then there really is no hope for anyone and the world is going to hell in a chicken basket.” Mr David said before zooming off in his Prius.

Having a sense of humour in such dark times is therefore a good way of keeping an even keel.

Israeli PM, Binyamin Netanyahu even commented on the video on Tuesday through the Haaretz news service:

“I was told to watch this video, heh, well I watched it, you know in between bombing reviews with the IDF, IAF. Larry, Larry, Larry, c’mon now, everyone knows me, if I was in that situation I would have had her detained, but that’s just me, you know it’s not a case of coming home, but I gotta tiny penis, that’s why I’m so angry all the frickin’ time. I hate Palestinian chicken. Yuck! Good luck to you Larr, the only good Jew in that vid is the Funkman.”

One Direction Zayn Malik Issues Fatwa on Israel

 

“I issue this fatwa on Israel and all One Direction fans living in that occupied territory be levelled to the ground, innit,” the pop star told MTV on Tuesday.

Not Kosher

Zayn Malik, who is a devout Muslim — although he smokes dope and eats infidel meat — is unrepentant with issuing the fatwa and has vowed to use his position of power in the pathetic manufactured boy band to create an intifada on all Israelis.

The Israeli Defence Force (IDF) are on full alert and have ordered all copies of terrorist group One Direction to be burned, incinerated, and obliterated.

Meanwhile in his lair, pop polluter, Simon Cowell is in despair: “Oy vey, it vas only last week I donated to the IDF, and now zis? My shekels, my shekels!”

Gifts: Africans Bringing Ebola Virus to Europe, UK and US

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African countries may take a lot of humanitarian aid from Western nations, which is usually pilfered by unscrupulous African governmental ministers, but you can’t deny that Africa does not give anything back.

“Thanks to Africans still being allowed to travel to Western nations we can finally give something back to you, it’s not all take, take, take. We’re giving you Ebola, a highly contagious deadly virus that spreads like wildfire, and flourishes in aircraft cabins. We bring it over by air, by sea and by the roads as you welcome us through your borders. This is the gift we give to you and let’s face it, you’re the stupid ones for allowing us to travel to your nations whilst there is a deadly Ebola outbreak in multiple African countries,” Elolol Bokor, an Ebola virus carrier from Burkina Faso said whilst arriving at Heathrow Terminal three, on Monday.

As of yet Western nations are daily allowing thousands of Ebola infected Africans into their countries without any form of testing or quarantine.

The Ebola virus is a highly contagious deadly flesh-eating necrotising virus that is decimating whole areas in Africa, but news of this is being suppressed by the mainstream media. Ebola is transmitted from animals to humans via consumption of bush meat. Once contracted, there is little or no chance of survival, there is no treatment or vaccine for Ebola.

 

R.E.M to Sing Shiny Happy People in Gaza Strip

 

“The band wanted to cheer the people of Gaza up, you know with all that murder going on. They’re just going to sing the song ‘Shiny Happy People’ on a constant loop, and if they don’t get themselves sniped or blown up, then they will try to fly home again after the concert,” Scott Leiken, the bands manager revealed.

United States fans of the band have been warned by the State Department not to go to Gaza, but they can go to one of the 200 ft walls separating the two areas within Israel where they may get to hear the band playing over the gunshots and artillery fire.

The R.E.M concert will commence at 19.00 GMT 31 July in the Khan Yunis rubble pile, next to a big mound of rubble and several craters.

Palestinians who attend the concert may be shot or blown up and the band are not responsible for any injuries from artillery fire.

Update: Brazilian Football Team Now Janitors

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Neymar passes the bucket, then parries a mop as Fred shoots over some detergent, but misses splashing it all over the principal’s prize carpet.

It’s just another term at Jao Da Silva High School where the kids throw paper planes and rotten tomatoes at the former footballers.

“If they see one mopping the floor some kids make sure they make an even bigger mess. I know it’s cruel but these guys need to work for a living, so they’re earning what we pay them,” Pedro De Santos, one of the teachers at the school revealed.

It’s just another day in the life of the former Brazilian football team, as for former manager, Scolari, he can count his lucky stars he is now employed in the municipal dump as part of the waste disposal team.

 

Beware the Wrath of Israel

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One must look at history and the present to understand the intricacies of such an irrational imbroglio meted upon this turbulent region.

The Jews are the ‘chosen people’ as defined by the religious books written thousands of years ago assimilated from Babylonian texts and therefore they say they have the right to rule over the goyim.

They are cleverer than you, look at all the institutions, the technology  and scientific companies, the media, finance, the entertainment companies, the systems in place today are all from Jewish minds. Financially and technically, the Jewish mind works steps ahead of the others, cunning and very adept at whatever field they work in.

You always know who is really in charge because those are the people you cannot say a word against, and it is with this technique Jews coined the phrase anti-Semitism. Any form of critique against a person who has Jewish heritage is immediately pounced upon, denounced, then silenced. If you run a business or are employed by anyone, you can rest assured your days are numbered after any critical utterance. Of course, other races or creeds or religions do not have that supreme protection, and are fair game.

History repeats itself in interesting ways, as the Nazis created ghettos for the Jews in World War II, so Israel created ghettos for the Palestinians, who in Israeli eyes are deemed as Untermenschen. The lesser human (Palestinian) must therefore receive the wrath of Israel as it has the perceived God given right to exist. The Palestinians, however, do not see this and proclaim that Israel does not have a right to exist. This stalwart hatred by both sides is something that cannot be remedied by anything other than complete violence and war. And so, war it shall have to be, and this war will be against a highly financed, trained enemy who will crush the Palestinians with no pity or remorse, such is the wrath unleashed.

The Holocaust was indeed a horrific brutal genocide on the European Jews, and this is why Israel was created on the ancient lands, granted by the British, populated by many different people. What Hitler saw in the future, scared him and his adjutants but was rightly so thwarted. It is to this end that the nomadic Jews, who are very well versed in travel and assimilation created their homeland over the bones of others.

But at what cost?