God spoke to a religious believer today in a supermarket aisle somewhere in Darlington. The following is an exact copy of what God said to the man.
“Hello I am God. Thank you for believing in me with blind unfaltering faith. Yes, it’s me, don’t drop the can of sweetcorn you are now holding, just listen.
“I have chosen you to speak with. You must not listen to that awful Dawkins fellow or that Fry fellow or scientists, or atheists, or anyone with any logic. They’re obviously going to burn in the fires of hell. I mean, they speak reason, with factual scientific analysis, mathematics, physics, chemistry, astro-physics, computer science, engineering, whereas my flock believes in fairy tales written by simple men who didn’t even know what bacteria was when they concocted those books to control millions of people and make them do things for them.
“Do you know why I like people like you? People that do not ask questions when a priest asks them to pray. It’s your unflinching dedication to being a follower, you’re a sheep and the shepherd can say, God wants you to go off this cliff, and you do it without question. You were indoctrinated from a young age to not question, to be pliant, even when the paedophile priests took you behind the vestry and asked you to do those things for Jesus.
“You were also so agreeable to me when you were told to go into battle, to preserve your faith. The fact that the commander who ordered the suicide mission over the trench was dining on a vast banquet with dancing girls fellating him at the time is neither here nor there.
“Come, come, my child. I am your God. I want you to believe in me, I want you to have faith in me, without question. When you are vulnerable this is when the church people pounce on you, they make you feel better, and that’s when we have you lock stock and barrel. My church also is a place for the community to congregate, this is a natural human desire to be a part of a group, and I like that a lot. The fact that you pray to me is neither here nor there, human gatherings are therapeutic and wholesome affairs for whatever the reason, especially if singing nice songs of blind faith.
“God’s church needs money my fellow, and you have given ever so generously. Thank you. Just look at the Catholic branch, cloaked in gold, emeralds, diamonds, with billions in the bank and riches beyond any materialistic thief’s dreams. They are sincerely doing God’s work by taking the pliant flock’s hard earned cash and putting it in their coffers. I am so proud of them. We must also not forget the American branch who serve me, they’re making absolutely millions of dollars from all believers, especially those wonderful TV evangelists.
“Your blind faith in the afterlife is a very good way for leaders and people in power to make you accept your meagre existence while they dine off your riches.
“I want you to continue to believe in me with blind faith. You must read the book every day and believe every word your sheep eyes glance upon. You must believe the earth is only a few thousand years old and dinosaurs never existed, and Jesus walked on water, healed lepers and rose up into the sky. You must believe in all manner of rhubarb as I am your God and I exist.
“Now without much ado I must must get back to your deepest subconscious. I will only appear in times of strife. But alas, when you die, your brain and consciousness will die too. Oops, did I say that? Sorry to break the news to you, but once you are brain dead that’s it. Nothing..”