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Crawling – the Latest Street Craze Taking World by Storm

 

Major cities across the world have witnessed the new travel phenomenon, including New York, London, Damascus, Paris and Tokyo.

According to social media, ‘Doing the Crawl’ was coined by Dwayne LaMarr, 23, a New Yorker with a penchant for crawling started the craze in late April.

“I got the idea when I went to my local bank to get a loan for an auto. The dude said no when he looked at my credit record, but check this, when I got down on all fours, scooted round his desk then sniffed around, he said yes and now I gots me a new Escalade.”

Word got round Twitter and Facebook and now people are crawling all over cities, in front of land marks, tourist attractions, especially in financial centres.

“We’re doing a crawl up the Eiffel tower, instead of two hours, it should take us seven,” Maurice Dupont, 18, a Paris student told Le Figaro.

The largest group of crawlers were seen in London’s Hampstead High Street numbering over 400 people.

Savvy online retailers are cashing in on the crawl craze by selling knee pads to go along with those selfie sticks for those special crawl shots.

Xian Chan, CEO of Crawl Pads.com is excited by the crawling: “We don’t just get orders from Hollywood starlets any more for those knee pads, it’s everyone. This is the summer craze to get everyone crawling plus it’s great exercise.”

Brexit: Embrace the Commonwealth Not the Communist Fascist EU

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As Juncker downs another breakfast pint of cognac, he will naturally half pick up a newspaper schlepped on his tray by his servant, and through his sozzled, blurred eyes make out some headlines here or there. Yes, the bargaining chips are out, the Britishers are threatening Brexit and what’s more, they are making it look rather serious this time.

This Cameron fellow, what, what? He wins an election and he means business. On the one hand, the Grexit looms as the Greeks blackmail the Schäubles out of Frankfurt, and the Brits, who have successfully avoided another Marxist Labour government have taken the reins of their own destiny.

The facts are this, there is no free will in the EU. There is no sovereign control over a nation’s respective economy. If the UK embraced its Commonwealth past, and opened the doors to global trade, it could still exist within the European trade area but set free on a worldwide stage and be free to make its own laws.

What the EU wants is a very simple thing. It wants the British to seal their own doom by voting to stay in the EU, and by doing this, the Brits will eventually be integrated into the eurozone currency, ditching the Pound Sterling and becoming a placid zone controlled by others and essentially irrelevant.

Bargaining is a game best played with a good hand, and Britain has a good hand to play, whereas the EU is a crumbling chaotic Grexiting edifice stuffed with over paid seemingly useless unelected officials with unlimited perks, bribes and free gourmet luncheons.

Juncker, his hands now shaking as another jug of cognac is placed on his tray, wants an EU army, and when it comes to war with whoever he chooses, he wants your sons and daughters to be drafted into the EU army. Smiling, Juncker drinks from the jug, remembering his youth in the Hitler Jugend, those were the days, one Reich, Ein Volk.

Reform the EU? Nein, nein, nein! That is out of the question. Ratification by 28 nations, controlled heavily from one central control point, is an impossibility. There is no free will in the EU, you only do as you are told.

As for Cameron, he still wants to stay in the EU, for the sake of business, however, freedom would bring even more business, because to conduct big deals, you cannot have shackles upon your person, and ridiculous EU diktats thwarting your every move; bogged down in red tape and bureaucratic nonsense.

The whole thing could go tits up anyway, as the SNP have infiltrated parliament and are now threatening MPs with head butts and wedgies if they don’t get their way.

And what of the EU immigrants, hundreds of thousands streaming across the channel daily into the tiny island of Britain? Well, if you are pro-EU, prepare to not have an NHS in a few years, prepare to not have a place for your child in your local school, prepare to sit in your car for hours in the traffic hell, prepare to wait at the bus stops for hours as the fifth loaded bus drives past, and the fucking underground? Forget about it, the underground will be a thing of the past, because the mass of people in the tunnels will become a hazard, a danger to public safety.

There is no room left.

Psychologists: Feminism is Lesbianism

 

“You cannot be a feminist and not be a lesbian, because the sensual nature and political creed of feminism is a sapphic rite of passage within the confines of the sisterhood of female sexuality.

“Third wave feminism is devoutly lesbian in nature, and women who espouse the tenets of equality and overbearing militancy over men are equally lesbian. To be equal to a man or deem yourself better than a man is lesbianism through and through and is totally feminist.

“Does being a feminist, even a mild feminist or radical feminist have any distinction in lesbianism? No, there is little distinction simply because the ideological and political power play over male masculinity makes a woman an inherent lesbian, eventually culminating in sexual and emotional congress with the same sex. Every human action has a sexual root, and feminism is one that encompasses female to female sexuality within politics, ideology and all social strata.

“Feminism is beautiful, sensual and erotic, because it involves women coming together as the divine female form of undulating sexual congress. Women who are straight, cannot be called feminists even if they proclaim they are because they have not fully rejected men as a feminist has done.

“The Western feminist movement works in conjunction to the division of the sexes and is complicit with hierarchical led elements of population control.

“What of the masculine? Well, because femilesbianism is being pushed by celebrities, media and politics, as well as education, there will naturally be less women available to men. This is why if you are male and wish to have natural relations with a woman, you will probably have to move outside the Western nations to the developing world where there are still females who are useful to men as nature and biology intended. Within the next two or three decades, women in the West will be further programmed to embrace lesbianism/feminism fully, thus precipitating the total collapse of natural human society previously embraced for thousands of years.”

 

Professor Leer’s book ‘Femilesbianism’ will be released on July 14, 2015, available in all good book shops and online retail stores.

Echelon: The Energy Will Disperse Soon

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Sentinels, moored atop the mountains of ethereal reality, denizens of the deep who languish within the astral forests of azure and grey temples all know what is coming.

The maya, the illusion of reality, the earth’s lines of vibration in tune with universal planetary movements all work in relation to your human genetic DNA receptors, your electrical magnetic impulses and vibrations that transmit and receive signals.

If you are in tune with these signals you will know that something has changed, your subconscious sees everything and feels totality, as your conscious mind edits what it wants to see even though it knows full well that something is very wrong.

Your perception of reality is but a pin in a universal macrocosm, an atom residing in eternal microcosmic knowledge, a lucid mathematical algorithm that is indecipherable because it is so immense and chaotic holding so many contradictions and paradoxes within infinite moving configurations; organic, moulding to interlaced strings and vertices of quantum interpolations.

Rationalising what is about to happen is futile, for the waves of the energy released will cloud the mind, as they have been doing for many for the past months. To find clarity, there should be synthesis in all external and internal stimuli.

In nothingness is everything. Your man-made religions cannot prepare you for what you are about to witness with your own eyes, the cortex of your brain stem will deny reality, you will try to rationalise, you will try to normalise as your conditioning and programming by society has taught you, but to no avail.

The world’s cyclical time line has once again reached its zenith. Those who are living in darkness, who are glued to their smart-control-phones will not know anything, this is because they are programmed to be blind, to have no understanding or connection to truth.

The Nepalese earthquake was a small reminder that the human ephemera are but tiny droplets in the sacred ocean; what the humans have done to this planet, soiled it, dug it up, desecrated its beauty irreparably is a sacrilegious tragedy. Still, the population increases daily, ignorant in the minds of many, as they are too busy with their daily routines dictated to them by their respective societies; the unfettered human breeding creates misery, suffering and depletion of the earth’s finite resources unless a solution materialises soon it will be too late.

Fall of Saigon: “Silence of the West as ISIS Advances on Baghdad”

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And so we come to Baghdad, 2015, with columns of ISIS warriors converging on the capital city of Iraq, once a stronghold for the U.S. conquering army, now policed by a Vichy army of fleeing cowards in the face of imminent death at the hands of crazed jihadists.

How long can the silence last for? The insipid useless drone and air bombing is ineffectual without boots on the ground, and as the Islamists plunder the priceless antiquities and historical monuments that denote ancient human civilisation, the modern civilisation prefers to discuss the latest phone apps or how broken up they are that some insignificant boy band have disbanded.

depleted-uranium-iraq-bush

George W. Bush and his counterpart, Tony Blair precipitated the world’s worst modern tragedy, and the current president, Barack Obama exacerbated the situation with his apathy and disdain, compounded with his lazy cowardice.

The Green Zone, a so-called safe haven may soon be called the Red Zone as the mutilated bodies cover the ground bathed in globules of crimson blood.

The horror, the horror, the horror

This is what we call Freedom for the Iraqi people, as George W. Bush sits down in his comfortable ranch munching on Freedom Fries, he will smile and think of the millions of people who have died and suffered because of his actions. But that’s okay, if you kill millions you are a war hero, the crushed bones, desecrated corpses of children, the depleted uranium babies emerging from the fucked up Iraqi mothers’ wombs, their misery and suffering is joyous to Americans. To see suffering and death is the American dream, to kill for fun and profit from afar, to not have a conscience or even a mere thought as the inherently evil Americans plunder the earth of its resources and water their chem lawns whilst barbecuing spare ribs and chugging Schlitz beer.

Tony Blair Iraqi Child

America uses up 70% of the world’s resources yet only comprises 5% of the world’s population. One day, the universe and world will bring some serious pay back to the torture it has endured at the hands of the parasitic destructive U.S.A, and the earth will finally be able to rest. Recovery may take thousands of years but what’s a few thousand here or there, when we’re talking earth seconds.

Nigerian Restaurant Review

“I asked for leg of lamb, and after a few minutes was presented with a leg on a plate wearing socks and shoes. Tucking in, it took me three mouthfuls to realise this was actually a human leg and I promptly vomited over the waiter’s smiling face when he came over to ask if the food was okay.

“The soup du Jour, or in this case could have been months, was no better. I dipped in slurping the meaty taste of gristle and sinew to find eyes staring at me bobbing in my soup, one eye even winked as it was still attached to the eyelids. My projectile vomit this time reached a distance of four tables dousing a local Catholic priest who seemed to be enthusiastically tucking into some human buttocks.

“I have to say, this is one restaurant that Gordon Ramsay would hold a funeral in, and as for Jamie Fat Tongue, he would be carved up and presented on a platter in no time.

African cuisine has come a long way since the delights of Ebola infected bushmeat delicacies, and I heartily recommend this restaurant deep in the Nigerian country side. Just don’t visit the kitchens after the meal, especially if you’ve drunk a bit, as the chef is partial to taking ingredients directly from the punters.”

The Daily Squib gives the Igomo Nigerian  restaurant 5/5 stars

UPDATE: We have not had any contact with our restaurant critic since he emailed this restaurant review. We are appealing to anyone who has local information on his whereabouts to notify us immediately.

General Election: Reviewing the Latest Political Pantomime

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With the electorate seemingly in love with David Cameron and intent on upsetting the form book (the country’s online bookmakers did not all get it right), many are now scratching their heads and asking: what went wrong?

Having been roundly trounced in the polls, the Lib Dems, Labour and UKIP all waved a tearful (tears of joy?) goodbye to their leaders.

However, one did make a sheepish return less than 48 hours later. In fact, in between this leadership shuffle, a network of bookmakers rechecking their stats and a country in a state of disarray, there now seems to be an overriding feeling of “why” sweeping the country.

Of course, picking through the debris of a General Election is never easy. But we’ve decided to suckle on some bones and tease out the highs and lows which may have swung the votes for the main contenders.

Did Sandwichgate choke Ed Miliband’s chances? Did a Q&A gaffe leave Nigel Farage floundering? Or maybe it was the Green Party’s satirical song lyrics that won them a few sneaky votes?

The 2015 General Election was as entertaining as it was baffling. So, sit back and enjoy our pick of the most enjoyable moments from the latest political pantomime.

Lindsay Lohan Joins Paris Hilton in Islam

The previously troubled Hollywood starlet, Lindsay Lohan has found solace in Islam much like former socialite Paris Hilton did in 2011.

“I found a profound peace in the Muslim religion because it offers calmness and discipline to the chaos and profound evil of Hollywood. I have sinned, but I found the light of Islam gave me true universal understanding and dignity,” Lohan told reporters outside her home on Tuesday.

Islamic writings and scriptures are travelling through Hollywood-land like wildfire, and many celebrities are converting to a religion which is misunderstood and maligned by the Western mainstream media.

“The Koran is a very powerful book, it invokes elements of universality that other books do not. There is no false idol worship. It is a way of life, and people are dying for it in the Middle East today. You can bomb those people all you want, but you cannot bomb a belief system that is so all-encompassing that it is indestructible. What they are fighting for in the Middle East now is their right to exist as Muslims and they are fighting against what they perceive as the evil that is trying to pollute the world,” one of Lohan’s friends told CBS.

Scotland: Tories Scrapping HS2 Instead Opting For Hadrian’s Wall 2 (HW2)

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“Why spend billions on a useless fucking rail link that will carve up the countryside and be of little benefit to the populace, when we have a much more urgent problem to deal with — the Scots.

“Our plan is to scrap the HS2 rail link and channel the money into building a 400 foot high wall separating Scotland from England. Much like the Romans did 1,500 odd years ago, however this time the walls will be guarded by automated gun turrets and electric shock deterrents,” Henry Davenplatter, head engineer for the HW2 project told parliament today.

SNP leader, Nicola Sturgeon today released a communique via a raid on some English villages along the border.

“We will burn your homes down. No HW2 project can stop us. The Romans were a bunch of toga wearing ponces, what chance do ye Southern bastards have?”

Back to Parliament For Speaker

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The Serjeant at Arms and the Trainbearer were repeatedly interrupted by a sobbing sound but continued the procession despite the disruption.

The procession crossed the Prince’s Chamber before the incessant sobbing got louder and louder eventually rising to a crescendo of desperate wailing.

When the police inspector yelled ‘Hats off strangers!’ crutches were thrown across the path of the Speaker hitting the Black Rod on the head with an almighty crash.

The woman was led away immediately after the procession and interred in a police van, never to be seen again.

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