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God: “Belief, Blind Faith, Lemmings to the Slaughter”

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God spoke to a religious believer today in a supermarket aisle somewhere in Darlington. The following is an exact copy of what God said to the man.

“Hello I am God. Thank you for believing in me with blind unfaltering faith. Yes, it’s me, don’t drop the can of sweetcorn you are now holding, just listen.

“I have chosen you to speak with. You must not listen to that awful Dawkins fellow or that Fry fellow or scientists, or atheists, or anyone with any logic. They’re obviously going to burn in the fires of hell. I mean, they speak reason, with factual scientific analysis, mathematics, physics, chemistry, astro-physics, computer science, engineering, whereas my flock believes in fairy tales written by simple men who didn’t even know what bacteria was when they concocted those books to control millions of people and make them do things for them.

“Do you know why I like people like you? People that do not ask questions when a priest asks them to pray. It’s your unflinching dedication to being a follower, you’re a sheep and the shepherd can say, God wants you to go off this cliff, and you do it without question. You were indoctrinated from a young age to not question, to be pliant, even when the paedophile priests took you behind the vestry and asked you to do those things for Jesus.

“You were also so agreeable to me when you were told to go into battle, to preserve your faith. The fact that the commander who ordered the suicide mission over the trench was dining on a vast banquet with dancing girls fellating him at the time is neither here nor there.

“Come, come, my child. I am your God. I want you to believe in me, I want you to have faith in me, without question. When you are vulnerable this is when the church people pounce on you, they make you feel better, and that’s when we have you lock stock and barrel. My church also is a place for the community to congregate, this is a natural human desire to be a part of a group, and I like that a lot. The fact that you pray to me is neither here nor there, human gatherings are therapeutic and wholesome affairs for whatever the reason, especially if singing nice songs of blind faith.

“God’s church needs money my fellow, and you have given ever so generously. Thank you. Just look at the Catholic branch, cloaked in gold, emeralds, diamonds, with billions in the bank and riches beyond any materialistic thief’s dreams. They are sincerely doing God’s work by taking the pliant flock’s hard earned cash and putting it in their coffers. I am so proud of them. We must also not forget the American branch who serve me, they’re making absolutely millions of dollars from all believers, especially those wonderful TV evangelists.

“Your blind faith in the afterlife is a very good way for leaders and people in power to make you accept your meagre existence while they dine off your riches.

“I want you to continue to believe in me with blind faith. You must read the book every day and believe every word your sheep eyes glance upon. You must believe the earth is only a few thousand years old and dinosaurs never existed, and Jesus walked on water, healed lepers and rose up into the sky. You must believe in all manner of rhubarb as I am your God and I exist.

“Now without much ado I must must get back to your deepest subconscious. I will only appear in times of strife. But alas, when you die, your brain and consciousness will die too. Oops, did I say that? Sorry to break the news to you, but once you are brain dead that’s it. Nothing..”

Experts: ISIS Release Human Sacrifice Ritual Video on a Full Moon

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Professor Dean Perry, a senior fellow working at the Institute of Ancient Research in Denton, Ohio has delved into the recent horrific offering from ISIS.

“Semiramis, Mary, Diana, Ishtar, the image of the mother and child, Isis, Horus. The symbolism is all too apparent, as the Roman Catholic church adopted Semiramis (Mary) and Tammuz (Jesus) into their rituals in the 5th Century. The Israelites knew her as Ashtarte, mother of Baal.

“Allilah, Allah, Venus, Diane she is the eternal mother and the symbolism for Semiramis can be found everywhere. From the Catholic churches across the world to the obelisks and statues in major Western cities, to the depths of the Parisian city tunnels.

“People have a misconception that the Islamic star depicts the sun, when in fact it depicts Venus, and there we have Semiramis. The crescent and star adopted by Islam came from Sumer and ancient Israel, the Moabites, the Babylonians. Byzantine and Roman coins depicted the crescent star way before Islam. ISIS on the other hand have not adopted the crescent and star symbol but have instead gone for an air of authority by emblazoning the words La ‘ilaha ‘illa-llah – “There is no God but God” which were the words used by the Islamic prophet Mohammed as a seal on his letters. The acronym ISIS however is a major clue to the workings of this group.

“The ritual sacrifice conducted and released by ISIS on the 3 February 2015, a full moon, is indicative of some form of occult working. Whoever is orchestrating the ISIS show is possibly party to ancient knowledge not freely available to the public. There are little clues here and there for you to formulate on who is really behind ISIS.”

LINK TO RAW ISIS VIDEO

Obama: “Now Watch This Drive”

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President Obama flew down to Florida for the week to play some much needed golf.

“It’s cold up in DC, I need to enjoy myself. Jumped on the plane with my detail, left the Big Foot back in the cave. Don’t want that thing yelling at me,” the president said from the green.

This week, Obama is at Westfield Golf Club, an exclusive retreat where no luxury is spared.

“I was on the third hole, when I smelled burning, I asked my caddie what that was. He said it’s the barbecue. Man, we got on that cart and high tailed it back to base. Chicken wings make me go crazy, hmm, hmm,” the jovial president added.

Voting For Ed Miliband is the Destructive Choice

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When it comes to destruction, chaos and disorder, Labour is always the choice for the person who wants to punish any form of success.

Voting for Ed Miliband, and his counterpart, Ed Balls, would naturally be the choice of a person who wished to put a spanner in the works, to undo capitalistic mechanisms and to Sovietize Britain further.

An election win by Labour would immediately soak the rich, and corporations would get plundered of their ‘ill gotten’ gains. American internet companies would flee Britain to preserve their money acquired through tax havens. People in multi-million pound houses would overnight be sent to the poor house as Labour brings in punitive taxes that would even be baulked at in staunch socialist Sweden.

The Labour choice is one of destruction of property, where the rich are purloined within an inch of their lives. The royal family will certainly feel some pain, as Miliband would be out to collectivise royal wealth, redistributing funds to the people, and effectively halting Britain’s House of Windsor.

Once Labour is in power, they would not only increase the already crowded surveillance state but would seal any future election by concocting deals with the Scottish National Party where the Scottish vote would count for Labour’s electoral extension indefinitely leaving the Tories, who are moribund north of  the Watford gap, without any chance of future re-election.

Taxation of the rich is the key to redistribution of wealth. Miliband’s plan is to take away so much money from businesses and homes that it will not be profitable any more to own a property or business, let alone a mansion or corporation. In effect, property ownership under Labour will eventually be banned, where only the party hierarchy will be allowed to keep property.

Miliband has made light of his plans for the EU, which he will implement much to the delight of the Germans and French. The pound sterling will be dropped under Labour and the euro currency embraced thus bringing an end to Britain as a nation, subverting its sovereign status to nothing more than a sector in the eurozone.

Bring forth rancid British Rail sandwiches, and make utility companies public. The bankers will feel the worst wrath of Miliband as he curtails the City to no more than a memory of bonuses. The banking industry will be split up into small chunks then vomited out over Canary Wharf, the sight of bankers leaping from their perches will no doubt bring immense pleasure to the disenfranchised masses.

All over Britain, council houses, affordable box living, will make the British countryside unrecognisable. Where the fox once ran, there will be concrete blocks full to the brim of chavs, scallies and Eastern European gangsters. Where the gentle babbling brook once meandered, will be soiled nappies, needles and used condoms.

The NHS must be preserved at all cost, so Miliband will steal the riches of all that have worked hard to earn their livelihood. The welfare state will grow immeasurably dwarfing private business as the state grows.

Britain will see another baby boom, this time with benefits babies growing up in households where they will be encouraged from birth to breed and breed and breed.

Education under Labour will be of servitude to the state, where history will be re-written to indoctrinate children only in Marxist, socialist theory. Children will be taught only about equality, service and welfare. Children will also be encouraged to report their parents or any adults to local state agents if there is any form of dissent.

Many enemies of Britain will thus vote for Labour, as would any terrorists who wish to harm this country. The Islamic State and other entities, as well as Russia are wishing on a Labour win. What better way of ruining a country, without one shot fired, but for it to be killed from the inside out.

Gwyneth Paltrow: “I Like to Steam My Brussels Sprout”

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The Gwyneth Paltrow kitchen is a pink temple to clean living and Hollywood celebrity fads. The actress’ many mesmerised followers always want more from her.

Speaking from the Soggy Box cafe in Santa Monica, the actress gave an account to lifestyle show, Flange, how her daily regimen is good for her health and well being: “There’s nothing like steaming. Ya know, I was looking through my warm glove box and was chuffed to find a cute little euphemistic recipe book there about steaming. I’m allowed one Brussels sprout a day so I got home and got my steamer out. A piece of wet lettuce, moist, crunchy right next to it on a plate, it was a paradise slice in a lady garden of dripping pink heaven. There were no badly packed kebabs or greasy meat curtains here stinking up the joint, just good ol’ wholesome steamed snug sprouts. That reminds me, I must have my vagina steam cleaned so it’s nice and tight.”

Next week, Paltrow will discuss how she consciously uncoupled herself from the temptations of a burrito.

Want More Free Cash? Move to Scotland

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Thanks to the Barnett formula you will get much more than the rest of the UK handed to you on a silver platter, and the best part of it is that the English taxpayers have to pay through the nose so that you can live a life of Riley.

With North sea oil pretty much worthless at the moment, and the fields nearly dry, it is only natural that the Scots look to rich England to plunder their resources.

“Aye, the English, we want you tae pay for everything, and we’re going tae bleed you scunners dry. Not only that, we want a say in your parliament so we can dictate to you bags of puss what goes on in your neck of woods. How’s about that for a kick in the nads. Now bend over and get ready for ma boot,” Scottish MP, Angus McJockstrapp told BBC Scotland.

Merkel: “Syriza, Podemos, 5 Star Movement, Will Not Stop Austerity”

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The inevitable rise of extreme left and right wing anti-austerity parties in Greece, Italy, France and Spain do not threaten Germany’s authority in the EU, and are a small blip on the economic scale, says Chancellor Merkel.

“The founder of the EU, Jean Monnet, always said that economic/political crisis would be utilised to bring ever closer union within the EU, and we precipitated this crisis. These Marxists cannot fight an entity that is both Marxist and Fascist as the EU. We have amalgamated every political doctrine into our policies and cannot be defined by left or right. The EU is a bigger technical entity than many could imagine.

“Syriza, you are part of our game, and you fooled the Greek people very well. You have ensured the enslavement of your people and you will be honoured for your trickery, thank you. Our plans are still intact.

“Podemos, now it is your turn to fool the Spanish people as the Greeks were so easily fooled. We will help you rise in secret.

“Italy’s 5 Star Movement, talking of movements, I had a wiener schnitzel last night that disagreed with my bowels, but back to the subject, you too will rise and we will help you to take over. We will feign opposition.

“In France, we have many avenues, and these will all be exploited for our gain.

“Austerity my dear sheep is simply another name for poverty, we are re-introducing feudalism to Europe. You will have smart metres forcibly installed in all properties enforcing limited energy usage, you will have rations of food, and we will introduce for your own safety, of course, internal micro chipping so that you and your children can be safe.

“As for the British, they will never leave the EU. It would be financial suicide for them, corporations are too entwined within our framework. Their politicians take orders from us, we own them whichever party they come from, including the ultimate trickster Farage and Cameron. Promises are always changed once a party fools enough people in an election.

Resistance is futile, as the insignificant sheeple voted for the EU, we will make you bleed for us, the few who are at the top of the pyramid. You deserve the government you voted for, and citizens of the EU are the most pliant mutton, easy to fool, over and over again. We look upon you with disdain and contempt, as you pay for our unlimited expense budgets. We laugh in your faces, and the funny thing is, you will never wake up, the citizens are tricked eternally.

“Please vote because it does not mean a thing, your vote is meaningless under the control of the EU, but you will never see that will you? We have two eyes, you have none, the blind people of the EU only existing in darkness.”

Sarah Palin Can’t Wait Till U.S. Election Vs Hillary Clinton

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“It’s gonna be like the Red Neck Games but with some women who think they can do politics. Personally I can’t wait,” Esparto Dunce, a political commentator on Capitol Hill told Fox news.

Buck Wild

According to election organisers, on the day of the election, a big mud wrestling pit will be constructed directly outside the White House grounds which will be made to look like Hazzard County. All the TV networks have already signed up for the 2016 Presidential All Girl Mud Wrestle Fest, current president Barack Obama will be watching, probably with much amusement, and is even urging Michelle to join in.

A mud wrestling aficionado from Kentucky, Balthazar Mulrones told Fox news: “Dang I can’t wait. I’m gonna get some rotten tomatoes to throw at ‘em. I’m rooting for Sarah Palin, she’s a wild one, but y’all gotta watch out for Hillary, a mean mangy player who don’t mind playin’ dirty.”

Russian Blyat Airlines Ready For Take Off

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When things go wrong for Russians it’s no problem, they just say Blyat, grab a vodka and get on with it.

This same strategy seems to work on the International relations front, where the Western propaganda machine has been working overtime to discredit Russia on all fronts. Just say Blyat, and get on with the job at hand.

The cabin is filling with smoke at 35,000 feet. Fuck it, have another drink.

The Russian economy has been given junk status by an American ratings agency, reach for the vodka and say Blyat. But here’s the clincher, if the Americans are giving the Russians junk status, what happens when analysts look at the real deficit of the U.S. economy? That’s actually below junk status, and if anyone knew what was really happening in the American economy there would be some serious crying in the streets.

Russians are a hardy people, very resilient, jovial, of course with a touch of melancholy and it is to this end that the Americans can throw anything they want at these Russians and they will simply keep on doing what they’re doing. They don’t need credit cards, lattes or awful banal American sitcoms, they don’t need canned laughter, just give ’em some boiled cabbage soup, a litre of vodka and a Kalashnikov.

Tories Bottling Own Urine For Election Day

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“This is not just ordinary urine, it’s Tory urine and it packs a punch. Drink this and you’ll forget you lost the election. That’s why we’re bottling tonnes of the stuff to give the Tory party faithful after the election results come through,” the PM said whilst filling his thirtieth bottle.

George Osborne, managed to fill over a hundred bottles before he took a well earned rest by drinking a bottle or two.

“You’ve got to replenish. My bottles have a certain zing to them, the flavour of Tory, a bouquet of corrupt diligence, Bullingdon buggery and Etonian cronyism,” the chancellor told the BBC crew before downing another stinking bottle himself and burping loudly.

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