17.7 C
London
Friday, November 6, 2026
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 543

Man Who Performs Uncontrollable Hitler Salutes Banned From City Centre

He has uncontrollable urges to perform Hitler salutes approximately every thirty seconds, and has been banned from many places because of his terrible affliction.

The unemployed, and certainly unemployable man, has been diagnosed with Hitleritis, a rare medical condition that raises the right arm straight and salutes intermittently.

“I might be having a cup of tea with the vicar, reach for a scone, and there it goes. My arm salutes in a Nazi fashion and I yell out ‘Heil Hitler’.”

The worst incident occurred in January, when Barry was doing some shopping in Llandudno city centre. He was in Argos when a group of German exchange students walked in.

The chaos that ensued resulted in Barry being forcibly ejected from the store and arrested for his Hitler salutes that accelerated in ferocity when he heard the exchange students talking amongst themselves.

“I heard them talking and it got worse. I started goose stepping and saluting at the same time whilst shouting Heil Hitler. Worst day of my life. They [the police] gave me an ASBO and I can’t go to the shops or anywhere for that matter any more. I am so depressed.”

There is help at hand though for Barry. A pioneering new treatment has been made available where the offending Hitler saluting arm is strapped to the body to stop it jerking up involuntarily.

Although this helped Barry for all of five minutes, his body started to compensate by performing other Nazi traits like goose stepping, shouting Nazi slogans and ordering anyone in the vicinity into the showers.

If anyone has any ideas on how to cure Barry, please leave a comment below.

Buckingham Palace Nazi Leak Suspect Taken to Tower of London

The royal arrest decree by beheading was last used in the year 1747, on Scottish Jacobite, Simon Fraser, 11th Lord Lovat, and will be used on Rupert Murdoch for his part in exposing the Queen and royal family as playful Nazis through his newspaper, the Sun.

Buckingham palace sources have long awaited the day to see Murdoch’s spindly Australian convict spawn’s tortoise neck on the chopping block, and will be eager to entertain the crowds.

“The Sun newspaper has seen fit to print photos and films showing the youthful Queen and other members of the royal family doing some jokey Nazi salutes 70 years ago. Prince Philip, prince Harry and the rest of the Saxe-Coburg-Gotha clan, ahem Windsors, are outraged at such depictions, especially when some members of the royal family supported Britain so ferociously during World War II,” the BBC’s staunchly impartial royal correspondent, Richard Hangemhye, said during his weekly broadcast.

What Will Happen

Rupert Murdoch will be arrested tomorrow where he will be taken to the Tower. The Sun media mogul will then be executed by beheading.

On the day, the executioner will lead the prisoner to a raised platform covered with crumpled copies of the Sun newspaper on Tower Green where the assembled audience will be waiting.

Murdoch will be allowed a few last words, and a rabbi will give the prisoner the last rights before execution.

The executioner could take several blows before the head is finally severed. If the executioner’s axe is sharp and his aim is true, beheading is quick and relatively painless. If the instrument is blunt, the axeman inexperienced or careless, then the execution might take several strokes to sever the head. This was certainly the case in the execution by beheading of the brave Countess of Salisbury who was struck eleven times with the axe before she died in 1541.

After Murdoch is executed, his severed head will be held up by the hair. This is done, not as many people think to show the crowd the head, but in fact to show the head the faces of crowd and its own body. Killing by beheading is not immediate. Consciousness remains for at least eight seconds after beheading until lack of oxygen causes unconsciousness and eventually death.

The Murdoch execution extravaganza will be televised on July 24 exclusively on the BBC.

Religious People Have Triggers to Kill

“You may ask yourself why most of the world’s atrocities were perpetrated throughout history by the deeply religious of many faiths, and are still being perpetrated today?

“There is a very simple answer. Religious people have mental triggers to perform atrocities, to kill, to maim, to murder en masse others who do not believe in what they believe.

“These triggers are embedded from generation to generation and are alters, embedded codes within religious texts read daily by followers of religion.

“A religion may seem peaceful within the text of a book, however the deeply embedded subconscious provocations are triggers that can go off like a bomb at any moment, especially if the religious person feels under threat in any way, or they perceive their religious indoctrination or belief system is under attack.

“It is thus natural for a religious person who believes in supernatural tales and myths of old lore to also suddenly pick up a weapon and start murdering, or even for a person in power who is a believer to rally the troops for ‘Holy’ war.

“No person who utilises logic, reasoning skills or the ability to question should believe in religious fairy tales, and anyone who does believe in whichever book they were programmed to believe in should most certainly be viewed as a danger to all forms of rational sane thought.

“If there is to be any peace in the global arena in the future, there will first have to be a cleansing of religions. The only allegiance that will be allowed will be to the earth, nature, the universe, the one world government and knowledge expansion. Just as religion will be banned after the great purging, most certainly through cataclysmic religious wars, there will be a ban on nationalism, as this creates division and hatred as much as religion.

“The time is coming soon when the triggers will be enabled in the religious minds, simply because millions, billions of programmed people read the same books, and to their obedient controlled minds, they will follow the grim reaper to their deaths like unquestioning lemmings believing in whatever they believe.

“Give a religious person a choice, death at the end of a gun barrel to stay in their indoctrinated prison or freedom, no doubt they will choose death if it means they will go to their respective programmed ‘heaven’.”

England lose the Ballance in their side as Bairstow comes into the top order

 

Ballance has struggled throughout the opening two matches of the series and, at 1-1 with three Tests remaining, Bayliss has made the key decision to drop him for Bairstow, who has been in terrific form for Yorkshire. Ballance, who also plays his county cricket for Yorkshire, has struggled since May and has scored a half century in just one of his last 10 innings for England. In fact, throughout that period  he has averaged just 17.5 runs per innings. That is a dreadful statistic for a top order batsman. It isn’t a huge surprise to see Ballance dropped from the side, especially as it appears the Australians have got used to his insistence on playing off the back foot.

Bairstow brings huge pedigree to the side and has experience of playing in some of the world’s biggest competitions. He was left out of the squad originally but has found his form at the crucial moment and is fully deserving of his spot in the team. Bayliss has acted quickly after England’s mammoth 405-run defeat last week and the Yorkshire star will have just over a week to prepare himself for the next Test match.

Jonny Bairstow


Bairstow has averaged 26.95 in his 24 innings in Test match cricket so far in his career, which includes four half centuries and a high score of 95. Although his Test match average is considerably lower than his other scores, the 25-year-old remains a talented batsman and is more than capable of racking up a huge score at the crease.

England will be hoping that he can replicate his county form but, despite Bairstow’s inclusion, the hosts are still priced at 3/1 with betfair to win the next Test and move 2-1 up in the five-match series.

England will find it difficult against a very good Australia side but can cause problems for the tourists, particularly if the Edgbaston ground staff produce a solid wicket as they did in Cardiff.

The likes of James Anderson and Mark Wood must up their game if they are to get at the Australian batsman, while Stuart Broad has been in great form throughout the opening two Tests. It will be tough but Bairstow is the type of player who can change a game and, along with fellow Yorkshireman Joe Root, could be the thorn in Australia’s side in the upcoming Test match.

 

Obama Iran Deal: “Goodbye Israel”

“I’m siding with the Iranians. I’m giving them time to create a functioning nuclear missile. There will be limited inspections at some sites, but we really won’t pry too much. It’s very secretive you know, they have some serious bunkers where they have all their stuff. Anyway, my Iranian friends have assured me they won’t drop the bomb yet, not until I’m out of office, then I’m gonna open up a can of Schlitz, sit back and enjoy the show on the networks,” Obama said, cackling like a rabid hyena in the White House’s rose garden, Wednesday.

The Iranians are very close to developing their first cruise missiles and are getting most of their nuclear technology from China, Pakistan and Russia.

EU Greece Bailout III: Donkey Britain Ordered to Pay Up Again

 

David Cameron, the staunch europhile, is glad to hand over your hard-earned money and more to the EU, especially when it’s going to Greece, a black hole where cash goes and is never seen again.

Ass

“I am happy to give away your taxpayer money even though the UK is not in the eurozone. It is with great pleasure that I will oversee your money being dumped into Greece so that it is effectively shredded. We might as well just burn the cash. Our EU partners have ordered Britain to pay up on a third bail-out on the profligate Greeks so they can enjoy their gold-plated pensions and lazy lifestyles. Britain has no need for the money, the NHS and schools are all doing well, the roads are not full of pot holes, and we do not need the money for essential services like ambulances, welfare or the disabled,” Mr Cameron said with a big smile on his face on Wednesday.

Remember to vote in the Brexit Referendum

Every Country to Leave EU Except For Greece

Sempers Mordechai, an EU Finance Minister has suggested a new radical dastardly plan.

“I am suggesting that all countries in the Eurozone and European Union exit and leave Greece as the only member. Jesus frickin’ Christ, if the bloody Greeks don’t get the message then I don’t know when they will?”

Wolfgang Schäuble and the Finnish contingent were said to warm to the idea, as was George Osborne, the UK’s Chancellor of the Exchequer.

French PM, Hollande, was however nowhere to be seen.

Meetings in Brussels have been planned to discuss the proposal called Abandonshipeurexit.

IMF head, Christine Lagarde, has also given the go-ahead despite being a puppet of the French and will join all EU nations at the meeting on Wednesday, that is apart from Greece.

The Greek contingent, will not be attending, but word from Athens is that Greek PM Alexis Tsipras can’t wait to head the European Union as the only country in the European Union.

“The first law I am going to make is, less work more spend. The second law I’m going to make is nobody pay tax, the third rule I’m going to make, nobody need to pay anyone back any money they borrow. The fourth rule is we need more donkeys for our socialist EU Greek paradise, the fifth rule is free everything for everyone and we all get full pensions when we retire at 35, plus bonus, we only work three day week on full pay. Welcome to the EU, enjoy!”

NWO Latest: Democracy Never Really Existed Anyway

Modern day ‘democracy’ is no different to the ancient Greek model, as the elite masters have – you – the population, as slaves. It is of course not an overt type of slavery, but you are born and bred to be a tax slave, and even when you die you are made to pay for your own carcass to be buried.

Whichever way any faction votes in an election is not an issue or relevant because once the election votes are tallied, the populace will receive much of the same. Western so-called democratic elections are not a process for governing, but purely as a means to placate the masses by removing any thought of revolution/rebellion and adding an element of theatrical ‘change’ to their banal slave existence.

You can vote red, blue, green, purple, or invisible ink, none of it matters in the end. You get the same result because ultimately the core state that enables governance is always the same behind the scenes, the window dressing and froth on top is pure theatre, a mechanism to fool the slaves who think they are free, year after year.

You are trained from birth to become a product consuming tax cash cow for the governors, you are nurtured, your education/programming gives you the onus to want to work, those who pass the tests will get better jobs, and pay more tax, they revel in their servitude to their masters and are rewarded with the ability to have larger sums from their pay siphoned off. Paradoxically, the unemployed and highest echelons pay little or no tax, a dualistic anachronism worthy of laughter.

As we invariably move towards complete global governance by one single entity, the falsities of democracy will slowly unravel as is happening in the EU right now. The people will not feel much discomfort when the curtains are pulled back revealing the truth. The European Union is the current leader in Western governance by an elite who are not even trying to hide their omnipotence and totalitarian ideology. The tax slaves within the EU are the most pliant within the West so far, and bow to any form of coercion, orders or ridiculous diktats without even a sniffle of discontent.

The future bodes well for the governors as they will slowly reveal their true selves to the populace who are apathetic, brainwashed slaves to their masters with not one ounce of individualism or spark of liberty left in their being; no form of original thought, and are so pliant that if one was to tell them that snow is black, they would agree with conviction and belief.

Such is the disdain felt for the slaves, that they are routinely thrown indignities once in awhile, and the slaves see it as a ‘gift’ and are happy.

Fooling the people from birth to death is thus an easy task because it is generational, it is instilled in the worker bees, and the guardians who work for the governors police the process, as do the unwitting populace who police themselves in their own slavery.

Whether the next stage within the New World Order’s transformation is a form of scientific dictatorship or technical dictatorship is not so important, the global chess board at this time has many players, and one of these factions will have to inherit the globalist prize, whether through the means of war, internal  attrition or total economic dominance.

Now be a good slave and get back to work, and be happy in your slavery, life is too short to think about freedom.

Rare Footage Filmed Deep in Heart of Tower Hamlets

The footage deep within Tower Hamlets was acquired at great risk to life and filmed covertly by our undercover reporter.

We thought we lost our clandestine reporter as we had not heard any news for weeks. He had entered the town centre in the cover of darkness and attempted to blend in with the locals.

There were sporadic reports for a few days then everything went cold.

Finally, yesterday we received a usb hard disk by carrier pigeon.

Our editor immediately plugged it in and here is the amazing video for our viewers.

New Greek Word: OXI – Means ‘Bend Over’

“The Greek word, Oxi, used to mean ‘no’, but since our referendum we have a new meaning to the word — bend over,” Katsekoulis Manananakas, a linguistics professor from Athens university told Greek newspapers on Sunday.

Consequently, the cruel and harsh reality of the recent referendum supposedly held to decide the fate of the Greeks in the Eurozone, was wholly ineffectual, and possibly a diversionary tactic by the current party in charge, Syriza.

Whilst the low information Greek populace were celebrating the false Oxi referendum result, Tsipras and his adjutants were selling the populace down the river at a hugely knocked down price.

“You got to hand it to the Greeks, now they want to sign a deal with the EU that is a thousand times worse than before the sham referendum. Tsipras lied to his own people, and while they were dancing in the streets, he was talking on the phone to Brussels telling them he would sign anything. The deal he is going to sign willingly condemns Greeks to severe austerity until the year 2057. Not only that 50 Billion euros worth of Greek assets will be held by the EU until the term is up, and the Greek pensions will no longer be protected, as well as the islands and the free electricity scheme will be trashed. The Greeks also have to deal with another six months of capital controls from the banks, as well as a possible bail-in. Tsipras better be wearing a cup when he lands back in Greece, because they’re going to lynch the son of a bitch as soon as he gets off the plane,” an EU insider revealed.