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David Cameron Refuses Election TV Debate Unless Perez Hilton Present

The Ed
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David Cameron Refuses Election TV Debate Unless Perez Hilton Present

“I emphatically refuse to do an election TV debate unless my dear friend Perez Hilton has a chair,” the Prime Minister told an electoral select committee on Monday.

Why on earth would David Cameron want a chicken tattle tale limp wristed yellow mess like Perez Hilton on a TV debate?

According to Cameron’s election campaign leader, Bunny Lieber, the Prime Minister feels great affiliation with Perez and wants someone up there who he can bounce ideas off.

“David Cameron is a keen CBB fan, absolutely obsessed with Perez, much to the consternation of his former paramour Nick Clegg. The love is definitely gone between those two.”

The Liberal Democrats, Ukip and Labour have all agreed to Cameron’s selection, although Nick Clegg may sulk in the corner during the TV debate.

U.S. Air Strikes on ISIS Seem to be Working

The Ed
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U.S. Air Strikes on ISIS Seem to be Working

 

“We send thousands of missiles here and there costing hundreds of thousands of dollars each. It’s not like we can’t afford to do that all the time. Sure we’re hitting derelict buildings and if by chance we hit an Islamic State Jihadi, another ten pop up in their place. It’s like a win win situation, you know we’re gonna win this thing,” vice president, Joe Biden told reporters before falling back asleep on a table top.

President Obama had this to say about the current air strikes on empty buildings situation.

“I gots me two words to say. Go on ax me what they is? Mission Accomplished! Now take that back to the bank and cash it! Stop buggin’ me foo’ go play with some traffic already.”

Global Economy Resembles Welfare Playground Say Experts

The Ed
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Global Economy Resembles Welfare Playground Say Experts

“The swings are violent, one minute up 20% the next down 60% and are symptomatic of a crash larger than 2008 approaching fast. The merry-go-round spins around screeching, sending sparks flying into the air and as for the slides, the queue to take them is enormous, especially when the end of the slide falls into a bottomless pit where blood filled syringes blanket the excrement laden floor and the used condoms pile up in the darkness,” economist, Purley Gates, told a world symposium on recession and the global economy yesterday.

The Swiss Franc 30% movement on Thursday was a little indication of how markets can move in milliseconds. One millisecond is not enough time to react as the market suddenly lurches to a point that may take months or years to reach. Even algo traders may have a hard time dealing with that one. What of the scenarios in the exchanges, their automated systems would be reminiscent of the 1987 crash where brokers just did not pick their phones up any more.

Global stock markets have had an incredible run up since 2008, but on what?

“Basically it’s all hot air. the markets have risen on nothing solid but printed fake money. There are no solid fundamental reasons for especially the Dow and S&P to have risen as they have. This is pure manipulation and if you have a false recovery as you are having in the US and UK, then sooner or later the reaper will open the curtains of illusion. We’re building debt upon debt and buying stocks from that debt. The unfunded deficit liabilities in America are over $127 Trillion. We will never be able to pay back the deficit or debt in a million years, it’s just mathematically impossible. Since Obama came into office, he has buried this country in $9 Trillion of even more fucking debt. What has Obama done to show for his spending? Sweet F.A Who is going to pay for it? You think the Chinese want that? No, and no! No one wants that mess,” some guy on the floor of the CBOT told Reuters.

“What of Britain? Cheered on by the IMF on a job well done. For what? The economy is in terrible shape, lacklustre manufacturing, tied to a tanking EU economy, limited employment and no wage rises for decades. Even though oil prices have dropped below $45, petrol is still overpriced because the Treasury takes 70% of the cost in tax. The welfare bill for taxpayers is enormous in today’s Britain making up just over 50% of all taxation. The NHS is crumbling as it is the world’s health service, where anyone can take a flight to Britain and be treated for free, this is not including the poorest European ex-soviet nations who are bringing everyone over. The pot holes in the roads are testament to how public expenditure is not being utilised in crucial places like transportation. Factor in the wars on two fronts, and you have a recipe for an unsavoury dung deficit meatball sandwich laced with a diarrhoea debt gravy recovery,” some guy in an empty factory said.

Historians: “Islam Still at Christian Medievel Inquisition Stage”

The Ed
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Historians: “Islam Still at Christian Medievel Inquisition Stage”

“The only Islamic nation that ever attempted to secularise and reform an Islamic country was Turkey, through Kemal Ataturk, who banned public Islamic dress and secularised the country in the 1920s. Under the control of Erdogan, the current president of 2015, Turkey has gone back to its staunch Islamic roots and is in the process of de-secularising the nation, as Islamic doctrines take centre stage. The reformations of Kemal Ataturk are all but forgotten memories, as Turkey moves back East, rejected by the Christian EU, at the same time rejecting the EU in consequence.

“Islam is a slow mover when it comes to evolution as is the natural progression of monotheistic religions, and is still at the Inquisition stage where heresy and apostasy are punished with death. The Christian religion, prior to the Enlightenment itself went through many brutal movements. The Crusades, were another period in Christianity which caused much death and mayhem.

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“The recent Iraq war of 2003 is a further reference point in Islamic and Christian history because it awakened the Islamic people from their stasis. George W. Bush himself proclaimed his violent adventure as a ‘crusade’ against Islam. This action, in turn created a counter effect which rallied the troops of the Islamic religion, spurred on by preachers and Muslim people who saw their religion and lands being desecrated.

“The Roman Catholic branch of Christianity has a Pope, and the other sects have Archbishops. Islam is one religion that has no central focus figure or central command centre, that is until now with a proposed Caliphate, which harks back a thousand years to the zenith of the Islamic conquest of lands.

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“During the Inquisition stage of Christianity thousands of people were murdered and tortured in cold blood by Christian religious zealots, and so the same is happening now in Islam. In fact, throughout history, Christianity has murdered close to a billion humans in the name of its religion and forcibly converted many to its ranks. The Christian church started killing unbelievers as early as the 4th century. The killing (often with torture) of heretics, church splinter groups, dissenters, atheists, agnostics, deists, pagans, infidels and unbelievers was supported by almost all mainstream Christian theology for over a thousand years, starting with the intolerant St. Augustine (died 430 AD).

“The numerous wars created by Christian nations as well as the levelling of Nagasaki and Hiroshima, are testament to the underlying brutality of religion, where wars conducted by Christian nations seek to justify their faith with conflict. When George W. Bush said that he spoke with God daily, his regime was brutalising and torturing millions of people in Iraq and Afghanistan.

“The Nazis were Christians and as they piled up dead Jews into gas chambers, they believed they were doing the right thing, much like George W. Bush and Tony Blair, and God was approving of their actions. Through Christianity, Nazi Germany was able to murder over six million Jews.

“Adolf Hitler himself said: “I believe today that I am acting in the sense of the Almighty Creator. By warding off the Jews I am fighting for the Lord’s work.” [Adolph Hitler, Speech, Reichstag, 1936]

“One man’s believer is another man’s infidel, this is why, if Christians want to understand the brutality of what is going on now and the reaction that is occurring, they must first understand their own sadistic religious history and how out of all religions, theirs has been the most brutal and deadly.”

Fox News Reporters Brave the Horrors of Birmingham

The Ed
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Fox News Reporters Brave the Horrors of Birmingham

 

Doug Ignant, Fox News terror expert recalled some of the horrors the war correspondents had to deal with on a recent trip to Birmingham.

“We came in in a Huey, fifteen clicks from Da Trang, the gooks were shooting at us all the way down. One of our camera guys, Joey, he got hit in the ankle by a stray bullet, poor bastard never got hit before and was crying like a little baby. Then out of nowhere, shazzam, some guy appears out of a bush, maybe he was Russian, he started shouting ‘Allahu Akbar’ I said okay and gave him a Snickers. That was our guide, nice guy named Charlie Abdul, we paid him fifty British pounds, I don’t understand this Limey money, why don’t they use dollars like everybody else? We got taken under a bridge, the city centre was through some trees, but they (sic) weren’t much left, just stumps. The city was blanketed by smoke and we couldn’t hear ourselves think from the sound of 50 cal bursts and mortars. I had my morphine, a camera and a notepad, that was it.”

At this point, the Fox war correspondents were ambushed by a dozen armed Jihadists and all communication was sadly lost.

The U.S. Air Force have been searching the area from the air with no luck yet.

DEVELOPING

Obama: Je Suis Charlie Hebdo

The Ed
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Obama: Je Suis Charlie Hebdo

“Ah, ya know got up in the morning, or was it afternoon or something, can’t remember? Someone gives me a piece of paper telling me something about world leaders in Paris France. Hell, you know me, any chance to get some free air miles and taxpayer hotel suites, but this time I just couldn’t do it. Ah shucks, after you’ve had one hundred presidential suites they all just the same, nome sayin’? I just said, tell them to send the ambassador, I got more important things to do like, er, play some golf and shit, maybe next massacre in France, I might make an appearance, but if there’s even more after that, it’s gotta be the ambassador for you Hebdo guys,” the president of the United States, Barack Hussein Obama told CNN on Tuesday.

American Economy Soars at Expense of Russia

The Ed
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American Economy Soars at Expense of Russia

Vladimir Putin has been left with a greasy fried egg on his face as Americans boast about their soaring economy.

With a Fitch credit rating only one level above junk status, the Russians can only look on as the USA laughs at their economic misfortune.

“The US economy is exceeding all limits and is set to soar even further. What about those Russkies? Not only did we confiscate some serious billions from them but oil prices will be kept low for years, which is good for America but not for Russia, how you like that you hard headed vodka swilling ball sacks?” Rudy Meisner, a U.S. board of trade delegate taunted on a Russia Today transmission, Friday.

There was no reply from any Russians to the American snide remark, just silence as they upgraded their nuclear arsenal.

Sarcophagus Found in A&E Could Go to British Museum

The Ed
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Sarcophagus Found in A&E Could Go to British Museum

Jean Dremble, an A&E nurse discovered a sarcophagus on a hospital trolley in a corridor shortly after 4am on Sunday the BBC reported.

“Well, we have a lot of skeletons on trolleys so at first I thought nothing of it,” Ms. Dremble said of the incident.

After further inspection, it was revealed to be really, really old and will be sent to the British Museum for analysis.

Sunninghill hospital NHS managers were said to be ‘glad the thing was out of the way finally’ and one area of the corridor was clear.

The Next World War Will Be Science vs Religion

The Ed
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The Next World War Will Be Science vs Religion

Your unmoveable religious belief programming from birth may be strong but is it stronger than a robot coming towards you with a weapon? The robot has no conscience, no soul and has been programmed to kill you, you are a religious fanatic. Even if you manage to break one robot, ten more come around the corner, then ten more. You look up into the sky and a swarm of insect drones each armed, swoops down on you. The ground is no sanctuary as millions of slithering snake like and spider robots tumble over your legs vying for a bite of your organic flesh.

You like religion so much, no problem, when you are captured, your captors put an implant into your brain, then put you in a controlled coma where time is slowed down. You will thus live your religious hell out for what seems to be an eternity in your own mind. You will be strapped down or maybe working in a salt mine, but your mind will experience everything as if it were real. You will be in your own religious ecstasy in your happy mind but living a hell in reality.

Scientists will soon be able to replicate your religious feelings, they will be able to emulate this all too powerful human biological emotion and utilise religion in a safe controlled manner — you will be as religious as you wish in a confined mind prison.

Just think of the power that could be harnessed in having banks of religious fanatics working hard in their overclocked brains?

If it makes you happy, this can be arranged for you, why not breathe in millions of airborne nano processors through your nostrils, and you will not have an inkling that they are now moving all over your body’s circulatory system and inside your brain. One minute you are in biological reality and next you are part of a programmed computer reality. You may not even realise what happened as your previous memories are erased forever.

Why not instill additional feelings of nationalism mixed in with religion? These two human concepts could be banned in the future, but for people who can’t let them go, they will be put in farms where they can live out these religious nationalistic concepts in stasis until their hearts eventually give away.

For global governmental peace, the scientific society could well be a dictatorship, and with this comes complete military dominance. The biological, the religious and the nationalist will know that it faces certain defeat if it challenges the might of these fearful scientific weapons of the global New World Order. To oppose such formidable scientific weaponry in a world war is thus redeemed as futile.

Racism, is another in built human emotion, well, that can be programmed and subverted to the needs of whichever scientific society is globally in charge. Any perceived negative human emotion can be utilised against the carrier whether it be radical religion, racism or nationalism to a previous capitulated nation state.

Scandinavian countries in the present time have already pretty much adopted cashless societies, and soon this will be the norm for the global human populace. The supply of digital cash, of course will be controlled heavily from one central global bank, where those at the top of the pyramid will have an unlimited supply, whereas those at the bottom will be fed very little, and if they transgress at any point, all it takes is a click and no supply.

There is an algorithm for everything and what about algorithms created by artificial intelligence? Self repairing entities in their own right, 3D printed solutions to their ideas, a limitless technological infinity, tweaking, improving and evolving.

One man’s evil is another man’s good. And so it is established that an Islamic fundamentalist views a scientific man as evil, for the things he does. Vice versa, a scientific man views an Islamic fundamentalist as not so much evil, but misguided. Both fight their own evil, and both do good in their own eyes. Let us not be ignorant to the fact that the West is aligned with science and religious fundamentalists including some moderates are not.

In the universal mind, the concepts of good and evil are irrelevant and even if they exist as moral societal concepts on earth, they have no relevance in the totality. In good there are elements of bad and in bad there are elements of good, multiplied and divided infinitely into eventual nothingness, just deep space, dark matter, energy.

Why Satire is Important For Cultural Growth, Society and Humility

The Ed
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Why Satire is Important For Cultural Growth, Society and Humility

Satirists and cartoonists should be praised all over the world for the sheer dedication to bringing forth questions and satire to our worldly problems.

The unflinching hard headed nature of satire is a big fuck you to hypocrisy and the disenfranchised totality of society.

People have died in the name of satire and they stuck to their staunch beliefs, pens still in their hands as the bullets rained down on them.

In 2013, the Daily Squib itself was punished severely by the Obama administration  when we wrote an article on Obamacare. Our SEO analysts analysed the data after the immediate date of publication and noticed a drastic 80% drop across the world in traffic. What’s more our site was nearly removed by Google. Thousands of links across the web were immediately erased only leaving a few remnants of our site. Our previously high traffic YouTube channel was blacklisted and has been put in the slow lane ever since. Whilst we do not blame Google who were only taking orders, the question must arise, that article must have hit some kind of nerve.

This is not free speech and the Daily Squib vows to continue writing satire even though we have barely recovered from the deluge of prohibition on our site.

Western civilisation should stand for freedom, not inhibition and underhand crippling techniques limiting free speech — only tyranny and terror are enemies of free speech.

Satirists everywhere must stick to their guns/pens whatever their struggle — to write what they write and depict whatever they depict.

Freedom in the so-called free West has sadly been thwarted, we are urging people to support satirists everywhere, they fight through the mass of prohibition for an essence of the truth unlike the controlled media, they are the other side, the unseen heroes who grasp for freedom with their pens.

If you value freedom, if you value the truth, hug a satirist today, support us, because if we don’t do something now, things will get a lot worse for society as a whole.

There is love in satire, because we see the bad and the good as it really is, it may mock but this world can only be cured by hard love, and that is what satire is, the hard truth, sent with love that some will not like, but the truth is our love to you. We love you and we put ourselves forward with opposite views, different configurations, lateral thoughts and streams of reality from behind the masks and curtains of satire.

The Daily Squib can see the future and is a warning to civilisation, humility, understanding, and the satirical free spirit of Juvenal.

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