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Election Mass Debate Comes to Squalid Climax

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It’s over, and what a mess. Farage is around the back having a post debate ciggie, Miliband is stuffing a bacon sarnie up his flared nostrils after splurging too quickly, the Green candidate is talking gibberish in a corner and the SNP matron is planning the next battle of Bannockburn whilst admiring her hairy forearms.

Cameron and his yellow counterpart have done well to have steered clear of this rancid rigged election debate attended by a leftist baying audience’s circle jerk session assembled in a socialist BBC biscuit factory.

Reverse Priapism

It stands to reason that British elections are on the whole inconsequential and irrelevant when it comes to global power play, as can be witnessed by the placid waning election campaign so far.

Unfortunately, there is only one election that counts to determine the world’s direction and that’s the US election of 2016. The winner of that election; who has already been chosen but will only be announced on election night when the votes are ‘counted’, will determine the route of the globe for the next four years. The Brits really do not determine anything any more, especially as the UK is now just a sector of the EU.

Until then, it is best to let the soggy tissue of the British election theatre play itself out and be unceremoniously flushed down the khasi next month.

Taking Selfies After an EMP Attack

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An EMP attack by a rogue nation on the continental United States or Europe, or a solar flare would fry electronics from coast to coast, and electricity grids would be irreparable.

No computers, smartphones, banks or commerce would work. There would be no essential services, no water or food left in supermarkets. All vehicles apart from the horse and cart would be operational.

Selfies are a large part of modern life and the magazine suggests a vital solution to getting that all important narcissistic fix that dominates peoples’ lives so much.

“First you would have to forget about feeding yourself or your family. Forget about finding fresh water or shelter. You need to take a selfie, and we’re going to show you how this can be done with no smartphone, because the electronics got fried by the EMP blast.

“The only things you will need for this selfie is a piece of paper, a mirror and a pen.

“Hold the mirror up or lean it against an object, then take the pen and start to draw a picture of yourself on the paper. Et voila, you now have a selfie. You can take as long or little time on the selfie as you want, but make sure to make lots of copies to share amongst your friends, if they are still alive.

“You can even make a selfie stick yourself. Simply get a branch or stick and tie the mirror to the stick, then extend it making sure you get a good angle of yourself.

“If you are near a museum, you could always break in and find a 19th century camera, then put it on a stick, extending will be hard as they are such big cameras and each shot has to be posed for long periods of time. The only drawback is you won’t be able to process the selfie because it will be hard to find the necessary chemicals. Better stick with the first selfie suggestion.”

Next week: How to Share on Facebook After an EMP

Hillary to Clean House

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It’s not exactly news that Hillary Clinton is trying for a second time for internship at the White House, but the old gal decided to announce her candidacy today for the 2016 U.S. Election with a very inclusive video sans Bill.

“It’s time for a woman to clean the house up a lil, especially after Obozo made such a mess. The world needs a woman’s touch, I’ve got my feather duster out and I’m prepared to use it on Iran, Syria and Russia. Prepare for World War III folks because when I’m done, you’ll wish the suffragettes had stayed home ironing shirts,” Mrs Clinton said from her war room.

Experts: Ukip Waiting Till Next Election

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“The British electoral First Past the Post (FPTP) system ensures that Labour will win the election in May.

“With the Conservatives bereft of a clear majority due to Cameron’s inadequacies, the Tories will be given the boot.

“Ukip know this and a voter who votes for them knows they are inadvertently voting for Labour due to the FPTP system.

“This is why Ukip knows that the General Election after May this year will be crucial because the country will have endured further punishment from Labour.

“It is in Ukip’s interests that Labour wins the election as the damage meted out by the red party will be so terrible, it will bring the UK to a riotous denouement within two years.

“Under Labour, there will be a mass exodus of business, finance, professionals and unemployment will increase ten fold.

“These are the seeds for the rise of Ukip or other right wing party as Labour will do the opposition party a favour simply by exercising their Marxist doctrines.

“Labour will de-incentivise the public’s right to ownership of property, as well as increase the push towards the eurozone. By abolishing the Pound Sterling, Britain with its trillion pound deficit will be subject to even worse austerity conditions than Greece. There will be no controls over budgets and the NHS will be left floundering as the EU cuts off much needed funding.

“Socialists use other people’s money, but what happens when that money dries up? The massive influx into the UK by EU benefits seekers have already put enormous strains on the welfare and school system, with additional variables affecting the destruction; like professionals and businesses leaving the UK due to heavy Labour taxation, Britain’s welfare state will not survive. You need people to pay tax for there to be enough money in the pool for the welfare state.

“Public anger will grow under Labour, as the duped voters who stupidly were fooled into voting for Miliband and his Labour cohorts will cause public unrest. This is when Ukip will step in as saviours to the nation, and take Britain out of the EU.

“The incoming Labour government will also leave the UK helpless by decommissioning the Trident nuclear deterrent, which will be cause for Britain’s enemies to consider attack. Thus Labour, could be party to the potential annihilation of the British people if the warring Russians exploited the gaps in Britain’s defence.

“It is unfortunate that the British people, who are a very resilient lot, will have to endure such pain under Labour, but it is the only way Ukip or another British-centric party can beat the invasion from many sides.

“Labour is the enemy from within, and the people who vote for them are party to the death of Britain as a nation through its traitorous design.

“Under David Cameron, the UK is weak, and so are the Conservatives, an emasculated party with no voice, floundering under the radar. The Conservatives have good economic sense but that’s not enough for the welfare reliant British who make up the majority of the population and are lifelong Labour voters.

“When the whole system is socialist, it stands to reason that the majority of the population of Britain will vote for the party that created the socialist infrastructure.

“The elections in May could have been a referendum on Europe, but the failing of Ukip’s leader, Farage, is a symptom of the welfare cushion winning. Ukip’s rhetoric has failed on a number of occasions, and blatant racism is not condoned by many in public, even though the majority of the UK’s indigenous population are racist at home. Farage has also squandered his earlier lead, but this may be a calculated affair, as the party knows it is impossible to win in 2015 due to the current electoral system.

“Vote Labour, get Labour, Vote Ukip, get Labour, Vote Conservative, get Labour.”

Matthew 24: When Evangelicals Go Crazy

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Some people say religion is not dangerous, but please allow many others to disagree.

Religion is the cause of 99% of conflict on the earth right now, and throughout history. Through religion, millions of people have died in the name of whatever huma-constructed entity they believe in.

Tasers don’t work on the religious evangelicals, as can be witnessed in the video below. If you’re a policeman you can taser religious extremists for hours and they will just brush it off.

We are now living through a period in time where religion is being left behind. It has already been superseded by science, rational thought and factual logic by the enlightened many aeons ago, however the brainwashed masses are only still slowly waking up, and with a sudden jolt of realisation they may some day realise that all they have been taught, all they were told are lies.

Iranians Say They Want to Paint Obama’s Head on First Nuke Missile

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“We want to say a heartfelt thank you to Obama, without his assistance we would not be this close to making our first nukes. When that thing gets blasted off, it will have a big fucking smiling face on it, as a symbol of how we duped the Americans in their own demise, helped, of course, by the naive president who knows nothing about geopolitics or world affairs. Hell, my seven-year-old kid knows more than that idiot,” Mahmoudi said whilst chuckling like a hyena.

The so-called brokered agreement promises to lift sanctions only on the proviso that the Iranians curtail their ‘known’ nuclear program, which is in effect another naive wish from the president and will never be honoured by Iran.

“We already have the silos filled with Intercontinental nuclear missiles, and we got a man to paint Obama’s head on the front and sides. When those babies lift off, that will be the final countdown,” Mahmoudi added.

 

Experts: Why Pigeonholing is Biggest Human Crime

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Pigeonholing people into certain groups is one of human society’s biggest crimes so says a non labelling entity with no political, class, profession or social affiliation.

“You are this or that. You are a Republican or Liberal as the pigeon hole Americans put it. Black or white. You are a dentist, you are a street cleaner. These are crimes against the infinite nature of humans whose potential transcends all boundaries.

“You are a Conservative or Socialist, you are in the middle, let’s just say stuck in the middle Liberal Democrat. You are a Hipster, you are a Punk.

“You are an Atheist, Christian, Evangelist, Muslim, Wahabi, Hindu, Buddhist, Jew? What about being a human?

“Because society has stringent rules to label people in all factions and groups, it is a rarity to see anyone who is everything at the same time. And why not? Why can’t we as humans be everything, why be limited to only a few ways?

“Even labelling yourself as nothing or everything is in a sense a label but what is this stupid human notion and desire to label, to file things in a box, to limit through linguistic and mathematical functions?

“Who is to say one cannot feel sadness and happiness at the same time? Who is to say one cannot speak with an American twang one second then revert to received pronunciation the next? Who is to say one cannot play Mozart then Motorhead the next or maybe at the same time?

“Humans should therefore not be pigeonholed. You have dark skin you have light skin, these aspects of one’s genetic make up are prescribed at conception, but should not limit the human soul in its infinite mass?

“You are human, you are a dog, a cat, a chinchilla, a Great White shark. You are a mere molecule in the universe.”

Tech Talk: Apple Watch Review

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Our reporter asked the man how he acquired the Apple Watch, the fact that the man was brandishing a machete at the time did not spark any questions from the reporter, who was later fired for being a dimbleweed.

After prying off the watch from the hand, we were careful to use gloves during the process. It really is an astounding piece of tech.

For starters it tells the time, which is an important function for a watch, it also does quirky things like tell you the date, and you can store pictures on it.

That’s about all we found out I’m afraid because the electronics within the Apple Watch stopped working after half an hour due to blood getting into the circuits.

apple watch hand

The Apple Watch retails from £600 – £25,000.

Tony Blair: Why the Public Cannot Be Trusted

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“There are more of you than us, but you are stupid, poor and ignorant. This is why you are not to be trusted and why you have to vote Labour to deny a vote in an EU referendum. This year I made £75 million tax free dealing with despots, dictators and killers, and I enjoy my ill gotten gains while you, the public are nothing but poor people with no say, no understanding of anything and deserve every injustice meted upon yourselves.

“Vote Labour so we can punish you further, you are so stupid you will think we are helping you. We will have big smiles on our fucking faces as we embrace you, the stupid ignorant flock who we have nothing but disdain and hatred for.

“The Labour hierarchy model themselves on me, a man who fleeced the taxpayer for every single penny, and when you vote for Labour again, we will this time finish the job, you slime ridden plebs. Just watch the deficit quadruple.

Will all great Neptune’s ocean wash this blood Clean from my hand? No, this my hand will rather The multitudinous seas incarnadine, Making the green one red.
Will all great Neptune’s ocean wash this blood
Clean from my hand? No, this my hand will rather
The multitudinous seas incarnadine,
Making the green one red.

“Ed needs a new mansion with five kitchens this time, and you voters need to vote for that. Eh, did you know that I’m part Scottish, and my arch nemesis Broon was full Scots. Well, you dumb English voters, you’re going to vote Labour so we can break up the United Kingdom once and for all, and not only that, the Scots will have full powers to dictate English laws, bring in a deep fried mars bar law requiring the English scunners to pay the Scots to eat them all fucking day.

“You know during my time as PM I presided over a period of great conquest. Over 5 million Iraqis and Afghans died under my watch, but it was not enough, we never finished the job so that’s why I became a Middle East peace envoy. I just couldn’t get enough, every day I would look through the daily death figures and they had to install a drool bucket in my office.

Tony Blair Iraqi Child

“This is why you have to vote Labour, because you are either an uneducated, ignorant unemployable swine, or a champagne socialist pig in the trough, or just a mass murdering killer like me.

“You will go to the polls in May, and you will tick the Labour box, because we have hypnotised you through the media to do so. You have no mind of your own, you cannot be trusted to make a decision, so you will vote Labour and we will thoroughly enjoy rogering you hard for the next ten years thereafter.

“Enjoy the hell you have created through your own voting. The voters deserve everything they get, and we will this time take Britain into the Euro Zone and abolish the Pound Sterling. The Royal family will be further marginalised, especially when the UK is broken up, eventually leading to their abolishment.

England
England

“Labour does not want private business, or private ownership of property, we only see a collectivist strategy where all private property is absorbed into public ownership. This way, only the elite party members have the goodies and the rest of the proletariat are poverty ridden slaves.

“Vote Labour and you will get this and more you dumbed down ignorant twats.”

Think Tank: Greece Turning to Russia Spells Trouble For Region

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“The EU is caught between a rock and a hard place. The Greeks with their many threats and acts of blackmail are a sign that there is no love between the EU and Greece, however the threat of turning towards Russia is of great concern to NATO and the European Union.

“Already the Greeks are allowing Russian warships to dock in Southern Cyprus, and there are further threats to open up ports in mainland Greece.

“Talk of war is rife amongst the heavily indebted Greeks who possibly plan on utilising the Russians to invade Turkey, which as a NATO ally is still reviled by the Greeks. This action alone would cause a dilemma for NATO as would involve two NATO members embroiled in a military conflict, with one backed by Russia.

“The geopolitical threat to the Mediterranean region could be insurmountable if the Russians gain warm water ports and as much as the traitorous Greeks ally with Putin, war within the Balkans could easily spread towards other European nations.”

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