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Near Miss: Pope Seen Flying Under Passenger Plane

Ernest Fabian
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0
Near Miss: Pope Seen Flying Under Passenger Plane

In what may seem as an Easter message of hope to the world, the Pope was seen flying at high speed over Paris this morning at 10.30 by passengers on a British Airways flight, BA 666 from London, England to Rome, Italy.

“I had just finished breakfast when I looked out the window. There he was, the Pope in all his glory, he must’ve been travelling at over 400 miles per hour, and we were at 29,000 feet. All the passengers started cheering as he flew around the plane, then departed downwards,” Nigel Winterbottom, 34, a professional photographer told the BBC.

The pilot of the BA plane, Captain Andrew Pelmarsten, addressed the passengers telling them that there was nothing to worry about, the Pope enjoys flying on his magic carpet and is a regular sight. Air traffic control was naturally notified prior to the flyby incident.

Think Tank: Disarm Americans Through the Church

Ernest Fabian
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5

“The Christian church will be utilised to disarm Americans across the nation as they will be told to put down their guns for Christ.

“Pastors across the country are getting ready to tell their flocks to hand their guns in to be scrapped. Americans are devoutly Christian, some even creating their own bastardised versions of Christianity like Mormonism, but the real clincher is that religion is a human construct and will be used to achieve goals set by the state for whatever agenda is required.

“They won’t listen to Obama or anyone else but they’ll listen to their pastor when he tells the congregation to hand over their guns. For Americans, their church leaders telling them to do stuff is an act of God such is the level of religious brainwashing over the generations.

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“The same technique will be utilised when the government introduces microchipping to the population. By using what the pliant masses are used to to make people accept new conditions, the church is an invaluable tool for introduction to governmental directives.

“Religion spurs the American population on, especially in times of war where they are told they are fighting for Christianity when going into battle. Their unquestioning beliefs are paramount to implementation of the gun control agenda and should be exploited to the full.

“The Christian church cannot exist without the state, it is therefore deemed an arm of the state, and it is to this end that it will be used to disarm American citizens and eventually get them chipped, for their own good of course and in the service of the Lord.”

We Buy All Unused Bank Notes

Ernest Fabian
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0
We Buy All Unused Bank Notes

 Spring Clean

Well, here at the Daily Squib, we have come up with a good solution to your space problem. We’ll buy your bank notes from you so that your home or bank vault can look spick and span.

By selling off those unused bank notes your place will look real tidy, good enough to refurnish the space with whatever you want to put in its place, maybe an old armchair or a sparse table.

HOW IT WORKS

1) You sell us your bank notes and we buy them.

2) Our prices for your old unwanted bank notes are very competitive.

£5 we’ll give you 5 pence

£10 we’ll give you 10 pence

£20 we’ll give you 20 pence

£50 we’ll give you 50 pence

3) All you need to do is get the bundles of useless, tiresome notes together in a carrier bag or suitcase, then contact us so a certified cashier visits your property and relieves you of the terrible waste of space. Soon, all those meddlesome bank notes clogging up your home will be gone.

Phone 0870 000 000 000 (Calls cost £350/second) to get your house or bank vault cleared out in a jiffy.

April Fools : Day Off For Squib Staff

Ernest Fabian
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0
April Fools : Day Off For Squib Staff

It’s our annual day off on April Fools day.

This is the only day we get off in the whole year. The staff at the Daily Squib would like to thank our readers for a great year and we should be back tomorrow if the hang overs are not too bad.

Corporate Business People Start Own Music Service

Ernest Fabian
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1
Corporate Business People Start Own Music Service

 

 

Styling themselves as the ‘next big thing’ the people even went as far as to call themselves ‘artists’ but anyone with any form of logic or reality would know better.

Exploit

“Our logo is an inverted triangle if you connect the outer edges. This is trying to denote that we are not the usual bottom to top triangle as is usually the case but otherwise. In reality we ourselves are corporate whores who have watched our masters and want to emulate them by becoming corporate arseholes ourselves. This new music service will trick consumers into paying for more banal corporate material in the guise of being from the ‘artist’ which we certainly are not. That’s why you, a sucker who is into autotuned template RnB shite and sub standard pap can pay us £20 a month. Alternatively, you can just buy a subscription for one month, record all the music you can through audio capture or download everything for free off the internet. Hey, we need to keep our mansions going, somebody gotta pay,” corporate rapper, Jay Z told his audience at the launch.

In other news, real artists are staying away and letting these loons make fools of themselves.

Besieged ‘English English’ and Their Silent March to Elysium

Ernest Fabian
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0
Besieged ‘English English’ and Their Silent March to Elysium

 

Sir Roger Moore, the quintessential Englishman, is of a dying breed that is being stamped out in a silent death march to oblivion and although there are minor squeaks of discontent here or there, the stiff upper lipped silence is deafening.

“Real English people, you know those who have ancestors going back thousands of years, are retreating, in a silent manner, away from the cataclysmic influx. They rarely mingle with the migrants, due to fear, disdain and their desire to stay amongst their own. The same applies to employment in businesses and companies, where the ‘English English’ have their CVs looked at whilst the rest are put in the bin, something that is kept very quiet and never mentioned. There is a quiet code no one talks about, it’s not in the main stream media, or the BBC, where token migrants are paraded around to read news stories, the quiet code states that the core English community is very far apart from the rest, and it does not need to be class distinctive either, the English working classes have had to deal with the brunt of the influx, but they have kept their distance from the migrants. The Upper and Middle classes have been somewhat cushioned but are seeing the changes to their country every day, and they do not like it,” an Englishman said anonymously from his besieged castle outside the capital.

There is a sadness that the country which they have known and fought for for thousands of years is no more. What can the embattled English do?

EU Wants You to Dump Facebook

Ernest Fabian
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1
EU Wants You to Dump Facebook

You know, maybe we here at the Squib need to re-evaluate our relationship with the EU, but it is oh so confusing.

On the one hand the EU is a sort of quasi-sovietised entity that dictates weird directives towards its citizens and member states but on the other side, they do speak some sense.

The latest piece of advice from the EU regards Facebook, and they’re advising citizens to dump the data gatherer from your life, that is if you value your privacy. Well, we warned our readers from the beginning in 2007 that Facebook was an inherently evil data gathering operation run and financed by the spooks, and now the EU is advising to dump Facebook…hmm

What to do? Dump Facebook or dump the EU, or dump both?

Which one is the lesser of two evils? These are the questions we must ask. Should you abscond to a jungle clearing in Borneo and dump the lot, or just dump Facebook and live in the EU where you are probably being spied on anyway.

Well, the simple truth of the matter is, governments have been spying on citizens since the birth of..er..governments, it’s just that these days they’re spying on your every keystroke on the internet. Every citizen within the developed world has large dossiers on themselves, every web page visited, every search term typed, every smartphone conversation is logged and through GPS your every movement is tracked. If you are employed, your employers have vast troves of detailed information about you including your personal life. The insurance industry has all your private data including detailed information of your health records.

So, what is the EU trying to do here? On the one hand they’re saying, dump Facebook if you value your privacy, on the other hand, the EU member states spy on you every day.

Who should you dump? Facebook which actively sells your private data, including private PMs to any company or entity that pays for it and is an arm of the NSA’s Prism program, or the collectivist soviet EU which spies on you as well?

Well, it depends on your sensibilities. If you like your data to be logged by the NSA and other American agencies, then keep your Facebook page. If you prefer to be spied on by the EU, then dump your Facebook page, you will still be spied on, just with a more European slant.

C’est la vie mes amis..

Who to Dump?

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Crash Pilot: At Least He Wasn’t a Muslim

Ernest Fabian
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0
Crash Pilot: At Least He Wasn’t a Muslim

“It’s a good thing the crash pilot was only a depressed guy and not a Muslim otherwise things would have been way more different. We’ll just brush this one under the carpet and the guy’s forgiven,” Anders Hausser, one of the team investigating the crash revealed on Friday.

Forgiveness has come swiftly for Andreas Lubitz, the co-pilot who flew the plane into the mountain, as reports filter through that he was a good Christian, a little depressed though, especially after his girlfriend leaving him.

No doubt, this crash will be out of the news faster than a speeding jet hurtling towards a mountain.

Bercow to Set Wife On Tories

Ernest Fabian
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0
Bercow to Set Wife On Tories

“After the shabby and frankly obvious actions of the Tories to oust me I have been given no other option but to set my fucking wife on you stinky Tories,” a visibly angry and shaken Speaker of the House, John Bercow squeaked in parliament yesterday.

The plan to oust the biased Speaker, who always favours the Labour party in parliamentary debates, has been on the Tory agenda for some time but the plot to unseat Bercow failed miserably at the last quarter.

“The Speaker is meant to be neutral but Bercow is an obvious Labour plant. Him and his awful staunchly Labour supporting wife are a team concocted in the rotting rectum of Gordon Brown’s era,” a Tory backbencher said before slinking back behind a curtain.

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Conservative backbenchers and MPs are on full alert as rumours swirl of possible action against them, like being bundled into a stained white sheet whilst Mrs Bercow’s gypsy prize fighter lover lumbers up out of the shadows to beat the living shit out of them. Mr Bercow may even join in kicking them in the shins, such is the desire for revenge from the Speaker.

Labour: We Want Our System Back

Ernest Fabian
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0
Labour: We Want Our System Back

 

“We created the whole system of national health, BBC and welfare state under Sir William Beveridge and Clement Attlee. Therefore it does not matter which government is in power, the whole system is socialist, and we are the rightful owners of it. The Tories can think they are right wing, but they’re just presiding over our system,” Ed Balls, the shadow Chancellor told the BBC.

Being ousted from government, socialist Labour feels its system is being mismanaged by the socialist Tories, as do the millions of people on welfare schemes, therefore the First Past the Post electoral system will ensure the return of the Labour socialist system to its original architects.

“You can have an extreme right wing leader running the country, but he or she would still be atop a socialist system originally created by the post-war Labour government. Britain is socialist through and through, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it,” an unemployed man at a bus stop revealed on his way to the job centre.

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