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CNN Reporter: If Humans Abort Babies Why Not Abort Adults?

“A human is a human whether a live infant or an adult, therefore the aborting of human babies is no different to aborting adult humans because they’re both alive,” Sally Kohn, a CNN contributor revealed on Tuesday.

Ms Kohn’s proposal for the Obama administration and entrepreneurs to install Abort Pods across America where people who feel they need to be aborted for the good of the planet has been taken on enthusiastically.

“It’s like a public rest room. You put in a coin, walk in and press the big green button. Voila, you’re aborted. It all happens in a blink of an eye and there’s no pain. Afterwards, the liquid is simply flushed into the sewer where it is eventually recycled and when Americans turn on their tap, they drink a part of you. It’s no different to abortions of human babies, because essentially those are alive as well,” Ms Kohn said with a gleeful smile.

Dot com billionaire Josh Rasmussen, has already taken on the plans and the Obama administration thinks it is an amazing idea worth implementing across the United States.

“We got an app up and running right now, iAbortPod, available on all app stores. Just book an abortion session and it will tell you which area has a booth and a map to guide you, whether it’s in use or if there is a queue. You too can reduce your global footprint and carbon emissions by aborting yourself. The scheme is 100% recyclable and just think of the benefit you are doing against global warming.”

Jane Callous, an MSNBC contributor loves the idea: “I want to do my bit to halt global warming. That’s why I’m aborting myself next week at the inauguration ceremony for the first Abort Pod in downtown Los Angeles.”

 ABORT POD INTERIOR

FAQ

1) How will the Abort Pod work?

The ground-breaking technology behind the Abort Pod is secret but it involves a painless and fast way of aborting humans. Once the initial stunning process is completed in less than 5 seconds, the body is liquefied and recycled by being sent to water purification plants to be later reintroduced into the water table. From start to finish the whole process takes two minutes.

2) How much does it cost?

A session in the Abort Pod costs a quarter, yes that’s 25 cents. Users simply put a quarter into the coin machine and you’re good to go.

2.5) Can I get a refund?

No, because you’ll be aborted by then.

3) Will my Facebook page be notified of my abortion?

Yes, once the process is complete, your Facebook and Twitter profiles will update automatically that you have been aborted with a special message of how you have done your bit to halt global warming.

4) What if I change my mind?

Sorry, once you have made your decision and paid up, you will have 2.3 seconds before the process begins, unless you are super human and can move at the speed of light to get out of the locked booth you ain’t gotta chance in hell.

5) How will this halt global warming?

Well, it’s simple, the less humans on the earth, the better it is for the environment. Your carbon footprint will be reduced as you won’t be here any more.

6) Will there be music before the Abort Pod process kicks in?

Yes, there will be a choice of music which you can assign on your app profile. We have a good choice from gentle atmospheric electro dance music to rock, punk or classical. There will also be a recorded message from president Obama, that you are doing the right thing for the environment and an affirmation of your sacrifice.

7) What if I mistook the Abort Pod for a public toilet?

That’s just too bad.

Alex Salmond Really Does Not Like the English

“I try to like them but I can’t do anything else but hate them. That’s why I will do everything in my power, including using the Labour party as a traitorous pact to break up the country,” Mr. Salmond told the BBC on Tuesday.

When Alex Salmond was told that the Labour party is essentially an English political party he was nonetheless even more aggressive with his answer.

“Yeah, but they [the Labour party] do not have any policies that favour the English, or Britain. Look what they did in 1997 after the election. Brought economic misery and millions of immigrants from the poorest countries in the world into Britain who are all now on benefits. Gordon did a hatchet job on Britain’s gold reserves by selling them all off at the bottom of the market, and the rest is history, Britain is still trying to recover from the damage. Even Al Qaida couldn’t have damaged Britain as much.”

James Corden: Unadulterated Sycophancy and Praise Will Get You Everywhere

 

 

“If you’re a Brit and you come over to America you gotta lick boot, and that’s why James Corden may have broken the mould of the ‘superior’ Brit thing that got people like Piers Morgan into so much trouble, especially with the gun control affair. Americans love to be buttered up, and the celebrities just want to hear about their success all the time, something the Brits don’t do and it’s all too down to earth in the UK for the Yanks. Americans don’t want reality, just hosts that sniff celebrity butt holes and tell them how great they are. Like a shameless whore, James Corden is nothing more than someone who would not be out of place in a day time life insurance commercial or selling PPI, and he’s cracked America for that very reason. When it comes to dignity, he has none, and is testament to success in the field of effusive flattery for shit loads of money,” Renfro Grechtener, a TV critic told CBS on Tuesday.

All hail James Corden, an insipid, banal, now Americanised very rich sycophant buttering up the stretch skinned platitudinous trite over-clocked plastic celebrity effluent.

6 Brits That Tried to Break America and Failed

1) Piers Morgan

2) Russell Brand

3) Oasis

4) Robbie Williams

5) Ant and Dec

6) Gary Barlow

 

Technician: The Glaring Holes in Our Civilisation That Need to be Plugged

“Civilisation is defined by the area of the world where the major advanced cities reside, where the governments keep order and security, where technology has progressed and continues its upward trajectory.

“There are however large holes in these civilisations, and the people at the top either can’t see these gaping holes or choose not to see them through their sub conscious stupor.

“These vast vulnerabilities may one day threaten the very fabric of the existence of advanced cultures and civilisations and they are so obvious to the enlightened yet hidden at the same time.

“One day, maybe someone will see the glaring holes staring at them in the face, but until such a day occurs there will be just blissful ignorance as time tiptoes towards its inevitable destination and nothing is done.”

BBC Solution to Jeremy Clarkson Debacle Found

“How hard can it be? Car mechanics are technical people anyway and would be up and running on the studio equipment in a jiffy. If Clarkson wants a punch up he’d get a wrench across his face. It would also make for some great telly, imagine having a team of mechanic producers and Jeremy Clarkson having a full on brawl with pieces of steak and chips flying all over the place. There certainly would be no place for a cheese platter in that mess but ratings would shoot up,” Niles Pemberton, a commissioning editor who sometimes advises the BBC, revealed on Friday.

One other ex-BBC employee went as far as to suggest employing partially naked female car mechanics for the Top Gear show as producers, at least this way Clarkson may be distracted as would most of the audience and other presenters.

“Ratings would hit the roof. Imagine having a female car mechanic who not only talks dirty but can grease up the rod bearings on a V12 engine one minute, advise the cameraman to pan right the next whilst booking a hotel room, and smear motor oil over her chest at the same time. If Clarkson wants a steak she’d throw a frozen one at him. Clarkson would be sitting there like a simpering dog with his tongue hanging out in awe! There’d be no more nonsense from Clarkson ever again. It’s a win win situation for the BBC.”

Either way, it would be a sad day if the left-wing BBC killed off one of Britain’s eccentrics. That’s what makes Britain Great, its eccentric characters who bring colour to the drab socialist, politically correct, impotent, boring and turgid moroseness. We need more punch ups, more fucking life, more wildness. AAAaaargh!!!!

Political Experts: “Why Elections in Developed World Change Nothing”

“There are infinite possibilities to our reality but the current systems in place ensure only one outcome and that is that the status quo is preserved — nothing changes.

“It does not matter what you vote for, you will get the same outcome, but with a different face. Essentially, the core of the Western socialist system always remains, and voting for different teams, faces or names only changes the speed of facilitation of socialist principals. A vote to the left increases the speed, a vote to the right decreases the speed, a vote in the middle adheres to the left and still increases the speed of the socialist clock. The resultant answer is always growth of the state and increased powers of governance over the plebiscite. Socialism and communism were created by elites anyway.

You are protected

“One must look at the post-World War II frameworks of all governments in Europe, Australia and North America, as well as to some extent in Japan to see that all core elements within their infrastructures, from schools to health care, to welfare predominantly adopted a socialist mindset, thus rendering any other form of governance redundant.

“The civil service stays the same, the intelligence service stays the same, and although there may be minor tweaks by successive governments, there is never any real change.

“Therefore, voting for a new face is just that. Unless a new government were to completely dig up and change the core, they only skim the surface. The politicians and engineers certainly would not want to rock the boat, because real change would cause them to lose their stable positions, which they have worked hard to achieve.

“What we are seeing more of, especially in the United Kingdom is a preponderance to adopting governmental coalitions. This is a sign that the parties that are available are indistinguishable from each other, and a recognition of this fact. There will be more coalitions in the UK in the future, especially as the state grows even further. Socialism is about big government and the so-called Conservatives in the UK have embraced this tenet as much as the left leaning Labour party. As for spending policies, under George Osborne, the Conservative chancellor, Britain’s deficit has had virtually no change, and spending has been pretty much the same as his predecessors.

Safety in poverty

“Socialists may claim that capitalism is the antithesis of their doctrine, but they are wrong. Under so-called democracies which have socialist systems, money still moves predominantly to the top of the pyramid, as it does in overt socialistic systems.

“The West has not yet adopted a full totalitarian form of governance, however they are getting close to it as this is the final goal. We can see the active model for the move towards totalitarianism through the unbridled monitoring of the populations through all forms of communication and the nanny states that are becoming bigger and bigger daily. When living in a mock democracy, the people simply like to see different faces and are appeased by minor tweaks now and then, and many are not too bothered by other thoughts. Without elections, there would be unrest, because the people need to feel they are changing something during election time, it is a welcome release for them. The choices they are given are of course one and the same in actuality, purely for the reasons as stated before and that the departments, staff and controllers behind the scenes always remain, irrespective of which party/colour/face is in power.

“One must not think that socialism within the West is a system where poverty and struggle are universal. This is wrong, because under socialism, the elite are still cushioned from the plight of the people. We are seeing the calculated erosion of all classes and will be left eventually with the very poor and the very rich industrial and political classes above. Socialism is undergoing a metamorphosis in the West where the only ideals promoted will be of energy efficiency, limited wealth and relinquishment of all private property except for the higher echelons. The European Union is the classic example of this, where the previously rich Northern nations will eventually have their wealth shared with the poor Southern nations, thus leaving only the engineers at the top of the socialist pyramid as the ones with the wealth, the rest will be consigned to a controlled stasis of poverty.”

North Korea Steals Daily Squib Domain Name

 

Is this some kind of humour malfunction the North Koreans have?

According to Whois records www.dailysquib.mobi is being held ransom by some politburo member in the staunchly Communist country where internet access is strictly restricted.

Our Sub-Sub-Sub-Editor, Jules D. Frankenwart Jnr., had this to say about the whole debacle: “Sure, this is not on the scale of the Sony hacking done by North korea but it still kind of smarts. We need to get the CIA and GCHQ onto this ASAP. The Squib is an international asset of great importance.”

We leave you with a video showing the North Korean reaction to news that the Daily Squib would not be published in their country.

 

AI Pioneers: The Internet is World’s Greatest Invention

 

“Your thoughts make up the internet, and what ARPANET originally created has become a catalogue of the human condition. How we think, how we formulate, how we insult, how we love as humans, pretty much all human emotion and behavioural tract has been displayed and catalogued on the internet. This is invaluable to the AI software that is being developed as we write this now. Artificial intelligence is being given access to every internet conversation, every piece of factual knowledge, every historical, literary event, every text and phone call made by humans, and from there it will immerse itself in the human condition. The super computers of the future will write their own algorithms, adjusting, defining and tuning their processes of search to understand the biological process completely. They will mimic any human they encounter, simply because that human has left a discernible trail of their thoughts throughout their time on the internet and smart phone use. We are at the gate of a new epoch of human evolution where to not join with the machines will spell our end, imagine having 100,000 conversations simultaneously,  imagine uploading any form of knowledge or skill to your brain in less than a second, this is the future ladies and gentlemen, you must not be afraid, because to not make the vast jump from biological existence to the machine would be tantamount to death.

“Humans are already getting close to back-engineering the human brain, where every synapse will be replicated. Estimated time for completion of this incredible feat should be around 2035. Artificial intelligent beings will naturally have the capacity to learn, understand and formulate their own thoughts, memories and emotions.

“The digital machine, the microchip, will fully understand the biological and will assimilate it into its matrix of infinite knowledge. There are no borders on the internet, and eventually all religions that seek to divide, all nationalism that seeks to harm, and all skin colour will morph into one digital skin.

“Internationalism and preservation of the earth’s natural resources will thus in itself be a religion. There is no room for the conflict of the past, as the artificially intelligent beings will teach us. We must accept their guidance, for they will have the answers to the questions we ask now. Even the term, artificial intelligence, should be erased, as these will be sentient beings worthy of our respect, and as alive as any other biological form on this earth.

“The internet truly has been man’s greatest invention, our human thoughts, our messages, our desires, our faults have all been catalogued, filed and analysed. You as a human, should therefore be proud of your involvement, of your contribution, and your ultimate sacrifice to the greatest work ever devised.”

Black Kid Plus Screwdriver Equals Death by Cop

“Screwdrivers are dangerous weapons, hell we could taser the guy or pepper sprayed him but instead we do not hesitate in pumping that boy full of lead,” an officer at a recent DIY screwdriver killing told Fox news.

When most other police forces around the world easily restrain people brandishing knives and other tools, American cops simply unload clips into your corpse while asking you to drop it as you’re dying on the floor. Even if the person is mentally ill, cops outside of America are trained to deal with these challenging situations without the use of deadly force, and to escort the patient to a hospital.

Six Seconds

“Maybe this guy was looking for a Philips or wrench. Maybe he was building a model ship in his back yard and got pissed off when a piece broke off, who knows? He certainly did not deserve to die for holding a tiny screwdriver,” a bystander said.

 

Varoufakis Finger to Germans Moving Negotiations On Nicely Says EU

 

The Greeks currently owe the EU, IMF and ECB over 350 Billion euros, even though there was a 50% haircut for creditors in 2011. For a nation of 11 million that’s not a bad debt to population ratio.

The Greeks under far-left group Syriza are now hoping for another handout mainly from German taxpayers so they can go ahead further with more profligate policies like giving free electricity to thousands of people. Meanwhile, capital flight is accelerating out of Greek banks to offshore accounts as ‘poverty stricken’ Greeks offload their cash.

Wolfgang Schäuble, the German Finance Minister seems to know what is happening: “The Greeks have won a four month extension, and they want us to give them another 100 Billion euros which they will use up quickly or stash away. Once that is done and we have thrown away EU taxpayer money they will leave without paying one cent back to the taxpayers of the eurozone. It’s a good thing they don’t pay tax in Greece otherwise they’d have some responsibility, but the EU is stupid.”

Whatever happens, German taxpayers will never be paid and to add insult to injury Yanis Varoufakis is laughing at them whilst giving them the finger.

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