“My husband, a keen Bilderberger, will be running the show from behind the scenes. You may be wondering how I have been propelled to such dizzying heights so quickly seemingly out of nowhere. Well, when you have strings being pulled like this, and friends in high places, things happen,” Yvette Cooper told the Guardian newspaper.
Indeed, Cooper’s husband, Ed Balls has been a guest at Bilderberg meetings numerous times, and even though he was ousted from his ministerial position during the UK general election, he was still invited this year to the exclusive meeting in Telfs, Austria.
Due to the nature of Labour leadership contests where rules are made up as they go along, anything can happen. Even though Jeremy Corbyn, a staunch Marxist is in the lead at the moment, Yvette Cooper has influential forces behind her.
Casting for the remake of Flash Gordon was easy according to the director.
“It took me three minutes to make the decision to cast Jeff Bezos as chief villain. We needed someone who was truly merciless, like beyond sociopathic, no soul, just crunches data and feeds employees through a meat grinder. This guy, he looks the part too, I gave him a call, he had just fired a woman who lost her whole family in a car crash and was recovering from breast cancer. His ruthless nature left her in the streets homeless, but he laughed at her and threw her an Amazon voucher. Now that’s what I was looking for,” Drew Bastard, the director told Film magazine.
Not content with pilfering the profits of publishers and authors, Bezos is keen to make it in the movies as a sideline.
“People think I’m just a cold hearted number cruncher who only thinks of profit and treats employees like robots. That’s right, and I’m damn proud of it,” Jeff Bezos revealed whilst administering another mass firing session for employees who had lagged by 0.06% in a month.
Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant in Syria are trying to gain territory as are Liwa Abu al-Fadhal al-Abbas, and Jaysh al-Sha’bi as well as the indomitable Suqur al-Sahara. Thirty miles from the town of Saabat Nom Nom, Jaysh al-Muwahhideen have secured a zone of 300 square yards, whilst Fatah al-Intifada, al-Jihesh tribe militias and Liwa Al Quds are engaged in one hell of a fuck soup of unholy bullet ridden matrimony. Good thing Asa’ib Ahl al-Haq are 22 kms from the zone as is Kata’ib Hezbollah, just north of Damascus. Kata’ib Sayyid al-Shuhada are the new boys on the block in the North East, and are allied with Liwa Dhu al-Fiqar, Dawn of Freedom Brigades and Jihad in the Path of God Brigade but enemies of Tayy tribe militias who are aligned with the Syrian Resistance but enemies of Jaysh al-Wafaa and the Al-Qassas Army, although they sometimes join forces with the al-Berri clan, but only every other Tuesday, if it pleases them. In the middle of this of course is the Thuwar al-Sham Battalions, 111th Division, Quds Force and some Badr Organisation elements. Flanking from the East and West are Maghawir Forces aligned with Jarabulus Brigade elements but definitely not friends of Farouq Brigades because they are enemies of Shields of the Revolution Council, who are aligned intermittently with Liwa Thuwwar al-Faqqa near some mountain in Syria that no one can ever find. The lovely chaps in the Northern Sun Battalion are now aligned with Falcons of Mount Zawiya Brigade but recently had a falling out with Abu Amara Battalions who stole one of their goats. Don’t forget that tensions are now high with the al-Rahman Legion and the Jaysh Usud al-Sharqiya because last week there was a party and one of the crew was not invited. The Knights of Justice Brigade are now running the show 45 kms from some piece of rubble, but hot on their tails is the Al-Tawhid Brigade who are seriously fucking annoyed that one of their numbers insulted them by blowing raspberries during a drive by in the town of Kars Duqa Duqa. Just over the river, 34 clicks south of a smouldering corpse pile is the base of Abu Jaafar Battalion who just won a trophy for being the biggest losers in Syria. These guys couldn’t blow up a fireworks factory with a box full of grenades and are now the laughing stock of all brigades everywhere. That’s why Al-Fawj al-Awal and some elements of Mustafa Martyrs Brigade, 13th Division, and Jabhat Ansar al-Islam are aligning themselves with the Sultan Mohamed Fatah Brigade, but are hated by the Ajnad al-Sham Islamic Union, 46th Division, Harakat Nour al-Din al-Zenki but are tolerated by the 16th Division who are nevertheless aligned sometimes with the Khorasan Group. etc..
This year we were treated to another instalment of the Fantastic Four featuring the likes of Kata Mara, Michael B. Jordan and Miles Teller.
Offering a glimpse inside the world of crime fighting on a supernatural plane, the film has received mixed reviews from the public, but that hasn’t stopped the customary merchandise bandwagon from rolling on.
In between a corporate row involving the X-Men, Fantastic Four’s merchandise is generating huge amounts of money around the globe thanks to a quirky mix of costumes, figurines and games. Of course, the line between old tat and quality merch is a fine one, which is why we’ve picked out some of the more interesting Fantastic Four options out there.
The Fantastic Four Retro Seatbelt
What does any Fantastic Four fanatic need when they want to look fresh? A belt that looks like a seatbelt, that’s what. Emblazoned with the familiar “4” logo, the quirky seatbelt turned trouser aid is as left-field as the comic genre itself and for £15 it’s a real bargain.
Fantastic Four Fizz
Those with a way with words will often tell you to “drink up the atmosphere” when something is deemed worth watching, but with the latest incarnation of the Fantastic Four you can literally taste the action. Thanks to a collaboration between Crush Soda and Marvel, you can now sample “4 Fantastic Flavours” with a selection of limited edition cans. In addition to offering a tasty movie accompaniment, Crush is also giving away a slew of free tickets to the movie.
Continuing the long-standing relationship between Marvel and the iGaming industry, fans of online slots can now ante-up and spin the reels in search of riches courtesy of the Fantastic Four online slot game. Imbued with an array of sights and sounds from the comic and film series, this game not only gives you a chance to win £100,000+ but a way to enjoy the best parts of the film in a new guise.
If you’re a fan of camping and really want to standout from the crowd, then a Fantastic Four sleeping bag is a must. Designed to hug each of your limbs individually, these superhero suits turned sleeping aids are a great way to stay warm but still stay ready for battle. Although the price of each Fantastic Four sleeping bag is close to £100, there’s no doubt they’ll keep you warm while you’re looking cool as hell.
Fantastic Four Threads
We couldn’t compile a list of Fantastic Four themed gifts and not throw in a t-shirt. A staple piece of merchandise, the humble round neck t-shirt is something every fan should want to own and we think the best option out there is the classic logo design. Bearing nothing more than the famous “4” logo and the team’s customary blue colour scheme, you can pick up this Impact Merchandising product for around £10 which means it’s an absolute bargain for every Fantastic Four fan.
EU taxpayers have been solidly shafted by the Greeks once again as weak bureaucrats capitulated to another free money gift to Greece.
On top of the 350 Billion debt already owed, another 86 Billion euros will be released on Thursday to great fanfare.
“We did it again, and in two months time we will rinse and repeat, and so on, ad infinitum. Shit, it beats working for a living,” a jubilant Greek Syriza minister told local news.
Most Greeks are unaware of any hardship and are living the good life
Taxpayers within the EU have been told by their respective governments to work harder to provide for the Greek permanent holiday.
“You must work longer hours on less pay so that you can provide free money to Greece. Remember that Greeks retire at 45 on full pensions, whereas in Northern Europe people work to 65 and beyond. We are changing the system now so you won’t retire at all, just work until you drop dead. Remember, it is for a good cause, the Greeks deserve to live a privileged lifestyle off your dumb back because they do not pay tax, but you do. What are you going to do about it? Nothing, because you’re a coward, a spineless pleb,” an EU announcement to European countries broadcast on all networks yesterday.
All across Greece there were cheers of delight as the free money train resumed its inevitable journey.
“I’ve had seven holidays this year, and I was worried I might have to curtail the eighth but thanks to the EU I am now packing my bags again. This time I’m off to the Bahamas for a six week all expenses paid holiday thanks to EU taxpayers. I have also bought another Porsche and Ferrari. Thank you you filthy malakas, ha hah!” Nikos Katsamounaras, a Greek farmer told the Kathemirini newspaper.
As another 86 Billion euros is delivered to Greece, massive capital flight is also resuming.
“We’re poor, because our money is in Switzerland, Cayman islands and all sorts of places away from prying eyes. When they make these EU money deliveries, top boys have first pick, the money is then quickly removed from Greece and into our bank accounts abroad. Of course, we are poor in Greece, and you will see that when we ask for bailout five, six, seven and eight,” another celebratory Greek told local news stations.
Sports cars line a street in a Greek town
Luxury car sales have spiked on the news of more money being released by the EU, and in one town a man was cheered as he drove down the main street in his new top of the range Mercedes whilst being registered blind, a useful trick if you want to receive extra money for disabilities from the EU.
Greece has done it again. One can feel the palpable excitement emanating from a place with joyous abandon and celebratory gusto.
“Look at the streets here, we are crying with joy. EU free money train is back. We got them by the balls, eh is that right Schaubles, we got you by the Goebels, you tried to stop the money, but we’re getting more free stuff. Who says socialism does not work? It works very well. Germany Nil Greece 5, that’s the final score. Germans got fucked!” a cheering man shouted, and shouted during another dizzying celebration in Athens.
Chinese officials traced the source of the explosion to a warehouse worker who had just eaten from a can of imported baked beans.
CCTV images from the area were analysed and show the worker stealing a can of beans from a shipment container, then tucking in. The Chinese are not used to the British delicacy and the man is seen rolling on the ground rubbing his belly after consuming the delightful feast, then bending over and letting one rip.
An audio capture of the Chinese baked bean fart was recorded before the raw methane gas caused a chain reaction with other explosive chemicals in the warehouse.
“It was a big fart and a stinker. It blew the top off a barrel containing deadly chemicals destined for Chinese food processing factories, and then Bo-o-o-o-o-m!” one official revealed on condition of anonymity.
Police officers saved the man from certain death as he was set upon by packs of blacklivesmatter protesters.
Officer Dean Richards told local news that the man was so badly beaten he could not even walk any more.
“We saw one man, he held up a banner with hash tag alllivesmatter. Immediately the blacklivesmatter packs of ‘young people’ surrounded him and started beating him. Police officers tried to get to him earlier but were held back by more mobs, some even swinging from lamp posts and throwing rocks at officers. After five minutes we reached the man who appeared to have multiple injuries including severe head wounds,” Officer Richards reported.
The injured man has since been taken to an area hospital where his current condition is not known.
Today, we are proud to present such a story. From now on no one will ever hear about the Kardashians, the awful family that plagued the world with their inane, banal existence for so long.
Everything has been erased, that family’s awful name is history, all news outlets around the globe have deleted every morsel of the name from their networks, magazines, reports and all forms of media.
The family themselves were jettisoned into space today imprisoned in a shuttle that will travel the galaxy or hopefully into an asteroid belt somewhere near Alpha Centauri.
Banishing such a horrible clan of useless, greedy, feckless brain dead morons can only be good for humanity, and many cheered as the shuttle lifted off from Cape Canaveral on Tuesday.
“To think these parasites, useless pieces of garbage were on all forms of media for so long is like a case of cancer on the human race. They were like a cancerous tumour feeding off human existence, today I feel joy in my heart, and finally some respite now they have gone; like I can actually breathe again. To say I hated them is an understatement, I would rather eat crushed glass than listen or see another dumbed down report of one of them and their vacuous shallow lives. Travel through space, please never come back, let’s hope they run out of air or Kim’s fat ass implants explode blowing a hole in the fuselage and sucking the lot into a black hole,” Arthur Willis, one of the mission control engineers told CNN.
According to estimates, the oxygen supply will only last for six days. Those who were worried at the cost of launching the vile family into space need not be concerned as NASA used a decommissioned shuttle that was destined for the scrap heap any way.
All across the globe, fires have been burning as millions of people purge the earth of any mention of the horrible family that plagued so many. Computer hard disks were smashed, news outlets shredded thousands of documents, and all merchandise pulverised then incinerated.
Search engines across the internet have been sweeping all sites and deleting all mention of the family, but this may take some time as the infection has been so prevalent.
The money the horrible family amassed through their evil trickery, spam, and contagion has also been put to good use.
“We took all their money which they acquired by basically spamming everything. That money is going to be used to help starving children in the world, it’s going to be put to good use. They certainly would not do such a thing, but we are,” Angelina Dolly, a representative of the UN revealed at a press conference immediately after the launch into space.
“I couldn’t have said those bad things against women because I’m actually a woman myself. I’m in the later stages of transition,” Donald Trump told his followers today.
“Do you think I don’t know what it’s like to bleed? Every month I stick a rag up there, you know, my nose and I have a big ol’ bleed session. Women need to understand, I’m a bleeder like they are,” Trump told Megyn Kelly from the women’s rest room during a campaign interview later to be aired on Fox.
Reporter Alvarez Gomez, for the Hispanic News Network, asked the presidential hopeful whether he has had the full ‘chop’ yet?
“That’s coming. In my life I don’t do anything by halves, I go the whole goddamn way. They’re gonna take my weiner and scrote and put it in a waste basket or something. I’m going the whole way dammit, no expense spared, and I’m going to be the first trans president. Michelle Obama came up to me the other day, you know what she said? She told me she was proud of me. You know what that’s like, to have the first male FLOTUS telling you you’re one of the girls now? Dang, the rest of the day they had to pull me down from the ceiling, I was floating so high!”
