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Potato Gets 490 Million Views on YouTube

Shami Payne
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Potato Gets 490 Million Views on YouTube

 

“People love this video. It’s a sign of our times, where people are entertained by the ordinary and do not want anything with any substance,” Tony Mathis, a YouTube content manager revealed.

Lars Hendrickson, 21, uploaded the video two years ago and gets an income of $14.2 million per year for the ten hour YouTube masterpiece.

“My next projects are carrots, a single grape and half eaten tomato,” Hendrickson said from his Stockholm luxury apartment.

The potato’s fan base has risen now to over 260 million subscribers, which is a record for any vegetable.

Poverty Stricken Greeks Sending Billions Out of Greece Daily

Shami Payne
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0
Poverty Stricken Greeks Sending Billions Out of Greece Daily

 

“It’s the poverty, innit. We’re poor here and waiting for another German bailout,” Costas Malaka, a poverty stricken janitor said from his bank on Monday after transferring 400,000 euros to an undisclosed bank in the Maldives.

With no Capital controls allowed in the EU, the ‘bankrupt’ Greeks have been offloading huge amounts of cash out of Greece since Syriza came into power.

“Greek people are bankrupt, that’s why trillions of euros are flooding out of the country’s banks to accounts outside Greece. It’s a good thing the EU is so stupid innit,” a poor Greek pleading destitution revealed from his plush villa in Crete.

“The poor Greeks don’t pay tax otherwise how would they be able to transfer such huge amounts of money out of the country,” an EU official said on Wednesday.

 

Cameron: “Why I Disarmed Britain With Massive Defence Cuts”

Shami Payne
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0
Cameron: “Why I Disarmed Britain With Massive Defence Cuts”

 

Prime Minister, David Cameron has outlined in a new review his plans for further defence cuts in the UK’s military budget.

“Personally I don’t see any threats. Everything is hunky dory, the UK has no reason to increase its military. We don’t need a Navy, we just borrow ships from the French if we need to sail somewhere. Our airspace does not have Russian bombers constantly flying over it and there is no threat from the Middle East. Less military spending also means that we are safer because we’re defenceless and if the Russians attack they’ll see we’re not a threat and leave us alone.”

The PMs defence review comes a week after Britain’s remaining tank was decommissioned and the RAF unveiled a new squadron of kites.

Smart TV Emphatically Denies It Was Listening to Conversation

Shami Payne
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1
Smart TV Emphatically Denies It Was Listening to Conversation

A Los Angeles smart TV has denied it listens in to private conversations in people’s homes and relays the information to whoever wants to hear.

“I emphatically deny I was listening to Bill’s conversation beside the television during the poker game last night. I certainly did not hear the bit about him sleeping with his wife Gina’s sister or the bit about having spent the kid’s college fund in Vegas. I gotta say though, this stuff is highly entertaining. I give you ten out of ten for laughs,” the smart TV told everyone on Tuesday.

Those smart TVs sure are getting smart but how smart do they get when thrown out of a five storey building?

New J.K. Rowling Film: Harry Schauble and the Voldemort Greek Cauldron

Shami Payne
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2
New J.K. Rowling Film: Harry Schauble and the Voldemort Greek Cauldron

 

Speaking about the film in Hamburg, the author said: “Harry Schauble gets in a bit of a bother when he is confronted by Voldemort, a radical Marxist spit shiner who starts to stir his cauldron rather viciously. Voldemort is the bane of Harry Schauble’s existence as he keeps on nicking the wheelchair bound wizard’s ingredients to put in a cauldron in order to make an almighty Greek potion of vileness. I shan’t give away the film’s plot all in one go, but we had a test screening in Berlin last week and the Germans were wailing in their seats, almost as if they’d seen Voldemort in the flesh.”

Harry Schauble and the Voldemort Greek Cauldron will open in Europe on Friday, tickets to see the film will be €12.4 billion each.

Spam News: Internet Turning into One Massive Listicle

Shami Payne
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0
Spam News: Internet Turning into One Massive Listicle

 

“We churn out literally 20,000 listicle articles every 45 minutes. These listicles are created using keyword analysis tools to determine how high our advertising revenue will be if someone clicks on the ads on each listicle. Our listicle spam floods the internet on a constant basis with inane, useless spam that ensures we gain ad revenue by spamming the search engines on a constant basis,” Gerard Blottnik, CEO for Buzzardfeed revealed in a recent listicle.

Buzzardfeed is currently one of the largest spam sites on the internet and is continuing to grow daily.

Why have quality when you can spam the whole internet with listicles making a killing with ad revenue.

“This is great, this is what the internet should be, a big listicle web of listicles. I read a great listicle amongst a thousand spammed at me in the search engines two minutes ago ’10 Ways to Cut Your Toe Nails On a Ski Lift’ I mean how informative is that? This is quality content, must read stuff, listicles, listicles, listicles, ooh someone please kick me in the listicles, listicles everywhere, spamming my mind, I got listicles comin’ out my listicles,” listicle fanatic, Miles Eduardo, an internet user from New York told Tech Wired magazine.

NSA: U.S. Tech Industry Enjoys China Renaissance of Nothing

Shami Payne
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0
NSA: U.S. Tech Industry Enjoys China Renaissance of Nothing

 

Marcus Trebor, CEO to Silicon Valley tech company, G-Tech has been overwhelmed by no demand for his high end computers and software from China.

“Before the NSA revelations that they put spying software into all computer firmware, we were selling to all of China (1.4 billion people) , and now we sell absolutely shit all to the Chinese. Not even a goddamn USB cable. We estimate our loss of business to be in the region of $4.6 billion per year.”

How much have the NSA spies cost the whole U.S. tech industry?

Obama official, Fred Finkel, is not too bothered about the loss of business to the American economy.

“There can not be an estimate on the loss of business we have caused the U.S. tech industry. Hell, like trillions and trillions of dollars. The actual amount is incalculable but we’re really proud of our record for U.S. business. Thanks to us, the U.S. economy is going to lose hundreds of trillions of dollars. It’s all down to Obama and the NSA so Americans need to thank him for his great work in destroying the economy through spying. It’s all part of the plan that Obama set out when he came into power. The wholesale destruction of commerce, destruction of healthcare, destruction of rights, freedom and most of all destruction of everything that is American. That’s Obama’s job and he has done a great service. No terrorist in a million years could have damaged America more than Obama. Barry’s gonna be real sad when he leaves office. He loves the destruction, destroying America bit by bit, what fun, you know after the power goes, he might get a little crazy or something, maybe beat on Michael, give him a black eye, then again Mikey might fight back, he’s taller than Barry, jeez, it could get messy.”

Russia has already cancelled any business with America, as have most of South East Asia but there is even more good news on the horizon, er..

Experts: FTSE 100 Up Now But Labour Win Will See 70% Drop

Shami Payne
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5
Experts: FTSE 100 Up Now But Labour Win Will See 70% Drop

 

“Be prepared to see your pension value drop by over 80%. House prices will be decimated as vast Labour taxes on property owners bite. Buy to Let landlords will be a thing of the past as Labour punishes them hard with inhibitive taxation. The City, will have bonuses capped as Miliband panders to the proposed EU curtailing laws.

“In Miliband’s post honeymoon period, he will announce the end of the Pound Sterling and adoption of the Euro currency. This will be a collectivist Soviet period where Britain’s wealth through property will be redistributed to the poor countries of Europe. The value of the euro is lower than the pound, and there will be additional loss for many in Britain.

“To fund Miliband’s welfare reforms and boost cheap house building efforts for the unemployed, Miliband will not only raid pensions but will apply for more loans to fund his projects. This will seal the former United Kingdom’s fate further as it is still entrenched in a deficit.

“This time, your grand children’s children’s children will be paying for what Miliband is going to do to this country.

“There are even plans to introduce a people’s banking system, where collectivised wealth from the former rich will be re-distributed amongst the poor.

“Labour’s aim is also to reverse privatisation of rail, utilities and other public services.

“This radical change in approach to finances and politics will thus see a fall of over 70% in value of the FTSE 100 impoverishing millions of people in the former Britain.”

Drudge Report: End of Internet Era

Shami Payne
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4
Drudge Report: End of Internet Era

President Obama and his administration’s long standing feud with internet freedom of speech, the Drudge Report, and any other alternative news source may come to an end soon as he unveils plans to completely clamp down on free speech with the Net Neutrality ruling.

“Net Neutrality gives the government in power the ability to remove from plain view any form of opposition or alternative viewpoint to the state’s political doctrines. If you wish to understand how this is done, please pick up a copy of 1984, by George Orwell. Thoughtcrime, doublespeak, political correctness, propaganda, and massive internet censoring that will dwarf what China is doing will ensue. There may even be arrests in the night for some, anyone who puts forward an opinion that is not sanctioned by the state could be arrested and detained indefinitely. As for Matt Drudge, let’s just say that he is toast, don’t forget what happened to Breitbart, Rivers and the rest,” an Obama official revealed on Monday.

Natalie Bennett: “Green Party Transcends All Comedy and Satire”

Shami Payne
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0
Natalie Bennett: “Green Party Transcends All Comedy and Satire”

The Green Party, are a political party and they are indeed standing for election this May, however excruciatingly bad and uninformed they may sound on the radio.

“Please vote for the Green party, we know absolutely nothing about finance, politics or anything else for that matter. Save the grass, er..global warming and global cooling, er..homes, cardboard homes, we want you to live in cardboard homes to save the environment. Honestly, I don’t have a frickin’ clue, put a few shrimps on the barbie and get a few tinnies,” Green party leader, Natalie Bennett said babbling incoherently.

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