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Miliband: “Having a Socialist Kitchen in My £2 Million Mansion Keeps Me Grounded”

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“Our main kitchen of course has an Aga and all the mod cons, but our socialist kitchen upstairs is where we eat our gruel and plan the campaigns for the people of Britain, you know the masses that I keep hearing about,” Miliband said from the sparse kitchenette whilst munching on a piece of lettuce.

During the interview, for BBC1, Miliband was also asked how he acquired such a luxurious property and if he paid the right amount of taxes from the sale of a previous property bought for him by his mother.

“I..er..excuse me!” Miliband is then filmed drinking copiously from his champagne glass before changing the subject abruptly.

Vladimir Putin Drank Vodka Laced With Polonium Says Aide

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With news of Vladimir Putin’s untimely death yesterday, his trusted aides have revealed that the president of Russia may have drank a measure of vodka laced with polonium.

“We had the glasses set out for his rivals to drink, but I think Vlad drank the wrong glass,” Gustav Orlov, a senior Putin aide told RT news.

During his tenure, Vladimir Putin had made lots of enemies in Russia and across the world, and investigators are not discounting an inside job on the hit.

“A lot of former rich oligarchs had it in for Vlad. The amount of money they have lost through Western sanctions means someone has to pay in the end,” a source from the Kremlin revealed on Thursday.

The deceased president will be given a full state funeral on Sunday as shocked Russians come to terms with the loss of their leader.

Dmitry Medvedev has been instated as president until elections are finalised.

Greeks Conveniently Forgot About WW2 When Germans Were Giving Them 350 Billion Euros

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“We only ask for war reparations after we frittered the money away,” Effefe Popopodopopopoulos, Greek Minister of Spending told Spiegel news on Thursday.

Another Greek minister had this to say about the whole sorry affair: “Yes, the Greeks are acting in a shameful despicable manner, but it is easier this way. Who wants to work when you can get free money, over and over again? It’s a good thing we don’t pay tax in Greece, retire at 45 on full pensions and enjoy four hour lunch breaks during our three day working week.”

In other news, Britain could be asking for war reparations from France for the Norman invasion in 1066, and in East Cheam, a 65-year-old man is asking for reparations from his brother for breaking his toy tractor when he was six.

 

BBC to Replace Top Gear Presenter Clarkson With Married Lesbian Feminist Asylum Seeker

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Labour voters across the land were today in great cheer at the news that Jeremy Clarkson – he who needs a hot meal at the end of a hard day’s filming – is to finally be replaced with someone more to their liking.

 

Cold Platter

“She won’t be officially paid as she’s on a myriad of benefits amounting to £75,000 per year but I’m sure the offshore account will suffice in hiding the £230,000 per episode pay packet. It’s a lucky break for her because she and her extended family of 124 only came into Britain two weeks ago and can only say yes or no and shout ‘Big Issue, Big Issue’ at the top of her voice. The Romanian national has never driven a car but knows how to ride a donkey, this should be a nice touch to Top Gear,” series producer, Quentin Pastey, told the Mirror.

Clarkson meanwhile has been somewhat in the beeb doghouse, but looking on the positive side, at least he’s getting tonnes of steak and the freedom to sell as many Big Issues as he fucking wants.

Muggers Getting Ready For Apple iWatch Launch

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“This will be the biggest pay day we get. Y’all can’t hide those Apple iWatches from us, not like an iPad, or iPhone, that shit’s on yo wrist and each one worth $500,” Tayshon Johnsons, a known mugger with an extensive criminal record from New York told MSNBC.

In London, an iWatch would retail at double the U.S. price and muggers have been licking their lips at the prospect of grabbing some iWatch action.

“These are like digital Rolex, I don’t care if that thing is glued on your wrist, there’s always a way to get it off, with or without pain,” Denzel Lamarr, 23, from Canning Town, East London told the BBC.

There are innovative ways to get around being mugged for your Apple iWatch, either you can learn karate or you can cunningly disguise your pride and joy as a simple Casio digital from 1987 by ingeniously making an overlay. Some have even suggested wearing the iWatch on your ankle so if wearing trousers it is covered, or by having very long shirts disguising the big lucrative bulge from thieving eyes.

Whatever happens, iWatch launch day beckons and the thugs, muggers and criminals are waiting for those Apple luvvies to emerge from the shiny white stores, ripe fruit for the picking.

Juncker Army: Daily Squib Accurately Predicted EU Army in 2012

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You and your children will be called up to serve the EU headed by Germany in a newly created army, Jean Claude Juncker, EU president is calling for.

“It’s a good thing no one reads the Daily Squib, otherwise they might be informed from their accurate almost psychic predictions of future events,” an EU official said in Brussels.

The demonisation of Russia will possibly be the last step for the EU because militarily, no one has yet conquered the Russians throughout history.

“Napoleon and Hitler both tried unsuccessfully to defeat Russia and failed leading to their downfall. Germany and France are now united under the flag of the European Union with other subsidiary nations. They will try once again to defeat the Russian bear, first to coerce him out of his cave, then to throw everything they have at him. Through Sorosian elements, Ukraine was the stick that poked the sleeping bear in his cave. Now it is time for your children to join the EU army, or as we like to call it — the Fourth Reich,” Kommandent Gruber Meinhoff, military strategist for the Waffen EU regiment told Bild on Monday.

In the United Kingdom, Prime Minister, David Cameron was strangely sanguine about the EU plans for an EU army finally being revealed.

“Your children will be called up to fight for the EU. This means the Referendum will be used to bring Britain into a situation which is now very serious and we cannot jeopardise any future military conflict by denying our leaders in Brussels what they ultimately want — Russia. Especially how under my auspices I have reduced British defence armed forces to a basic shell.”

The EU has successfully disguised its true self by constructing the Fourth Reich backwards.

Military analysts however warn that a conflict that begins on the ground with conventional warfare could easily escalate into nuclear if one faction seems to be getting the upper hand.

“Nuclear would only occur at the last moment because all parties would not want to irradiate the planet and block out the sun for tens of years with a nuclear winter. This is why it would be important to take Russian silos before launch codes are activated. There are a myriad of scenarios to any ground conflict, as we are already in an economic and cyber war with Russia, if they take more Baltic states, and move towards Poland, Finland and Sweden, the EU army would be mobilised. It is therefore imperative that there is no time lost in recruiting every man and woman who resides in the EU for military training. We will also have to deal with the Chinese at a later date, and Israel will be given the task of dealing with Iran. The United States will this time fight with the EU.

“The Tsar Bomba was the largest nuclear detonation ever witnessed and although it had a yield of just over 50 megatons, there was a possibility of it yielding 100 megatons. Dropped on any major European city the Tsar Bomba would easily annihilate the whole metropolitan area in one go.”

Science: Why Biological Women Could be Superseded in Future

 

“In effect, widespread misandry, the hatred of men, is a catalyst for the complete breakdown of biological and societal forces that govern humanity.

“Through our detailed analysis we see a severe split between the sexes, especially in the developed world, where women reject the male, thus sealing their own doom.

“Technological advances in artificial intelligence, in creating near biological androids, and in bio-engineering through nano-technology will in the next twenty years create females who are ideal partners to biological males.

“These entities will be engineered with tailored personalities to their specific partners, and through artificial intelligence will be adaptive and compliant to the  male they serve.

“Over time, because of feminism and misandry, biological women will be superseded and removed from the evolutionary pool, although some may still exist in small pockets in lesser developed nations. Feminism is thus a tool for population control that can be utilised to halt biological breeding amongst the masses, leaving the future open only to the elite survivors.

“The severe fractures in today’s societies are due to the active role of feminism in undermining and destroying families worldwide, and those who promote transhumanist doctrines are perfectly happy to continue with feminism, a Marxist Soviet doctrine to enact change.

“Women used to be the glue that held societies together, but now they are defunct under feminism, and in the future the biological female will be a rarity. Low birth rates, abortion and feminism are the anti-thesis of nature’s biology, and science will soon have a fix with the next evolutionary step during the epoch of AI.”

Experts: Why the Wealthy Need to Be Afraid

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“Rich people will be literally torn apart in the streets such is the level of inequality. What we are seeing is a world where the rich get increasingly richer, leaving nothing behind. The poor are getting increasingly poorer and overpopulation is exasperating the situation.

“The elites have removed so much money from taxpayers and consumers that there is nothing left. Through free trade and cheap labour, we have destroyed quality, value and liquidity. The dip in 2008 was a minor blip from which the world’s economies were ‘seen’ to have recovered, however never did. The real depression started in 2001 of course, with the signal of September and there will be a perpetual depression until global war spreads enacting real change.

“In the West there is a welfare system, which encourages poverty and keeps people down for the rest of their pitiful lives. We thus have generational poverty at great financial cost to taxpayers. The money used to pay for the poor is in fact a shackle which enslaves them further leading them to early graves.

“In developing nations, there is no welfare system and if they get sick, they literally die in the streets, but that’s not enough to stop the breeding, in fact it encourages it.

“The key point to make is that humans are needlessly breeding more poverty, and this creates hatred for those who work hard and educate themselves or are born into wealth.

“Overpopulation has been the single most cause of humanity’s destruction and the wealthy have been farming poor people for too long. It is only a matter of time before some of them wake up.

“The key is Egypt, the ancient land from which all ethereal energy comes from. We see tanks churning through the streets tearing through bodies, fire and maelstrom.

“Egypt is the arcane manifestation, and the last signal, from there all money will be obsolete.

“When you land on your private air strip in the jungle, you will know that the New World Order has finally been borne.”

Selfie Stick Extends 600 Feet For Those Long Shots

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“I took my selfie stick to the Grand Canyon and pressed the button. The stick with my cell phone extended over the canyon and I took my picture. Shame I lost the iPhone when it fell 3,000 feet as a gust of wind hit it,” Angela Miers, 23, a visitor and selfie fan from California wrote on her Facebook page.

The selfie long stick is manufactured by a Chinese company, and the sales have been booming.

“We manufacture selfie sticks to the lowest form of self-obsessed humans. Sales are increasing daily and the extended version is now our biggest seller,” Shen Long, CEO of the company told China Daily.

There are warnings however with the new extended selfie stick. Don’t extend your stick in an enclosed space or you could cause injury either to yourself or others. Beware of extending your selfie stick under low flying aircraft. The force and speed of extension can be quite powerful, and there have been various instances of selfie yelpies.

“One guy extended his stick vertically under a helicopter flying at 400 feet, the selfie stick goes to 600 feet. Cut a long story short, the helicopter crashed killing all occupants including everyone in the old people’s home it landed on. So be careful out there folks,” police safety officer, Doug Eccstenz, for the Arizona Police Department told local news reporters.

Netanyahu: “I Saw Obama in the Back During My Speech at Congress”

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“I was looking over the floor, Harry Reid was near the front and I saw McCain and that crying bitch Nancy, then I saw him way in the back…Barack, his head bobbed up and down, and if he thought I saw him it would go down. I blew him a smackeroonie and shouted ‘peek-a-boo, I see you’ but much to my distress he didn’t stand up or applaud,” Netanyahu told Israeli newspaper Haaretz.

During the second part of his speech, the Israeli PM even brought out a screen to play a video accompanied by music from eighties band Europe.

“That was a nice touch. He didn’t bring out a crudely drawn picture of a bomb this time but a video. We applauded even more at the technical expertise of Bibi,” Republican congressman, Arnold Poindexter told CNN.

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