Who would have thought, the supreme Vlad, has won another election. Much like Robert Mugabe, no doubt the Russians are keen followers of the Zimbabwe election winning technique during the ‘good old days’.
To celebrate, the Russian leader has gone to town with some extra botox sessions to puff out his face further.
Putin’s clinic is of course sworn to secrecy, but the pictures do not lie. The Russian despot’s eyebags now make his face look so puffed up, he resembles a smiling Cheshire cat in every photo.
“Along with his glass of polonium which he drinks every day, our supreme leader, Czar Puto, undergoes botox treatment for his face. He looks wonderful afterwards,” a lying official said on Tuesday.
Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn’s plan to move the current Manchester Labour HQ to Moscow, Russia has come under scrutiny from some Labour MPs.
Speaking at the Manchester HQ, Reggie Dwumble, MP for South Lanarkshire, was slightly precarious about the move.
“Jeremy said that we would all have to speak Russian. There are so many Russians in Britain today, that’s the only language I usually hear when in the streets, but I can’t learn it. To me it sounds like someone who has marbles permanently stuck in their throat.”
The move to Moscow, planned for June, 2018, will involve every item within the HQ shipped to Russia.
The Labour party has secured the correct papers for the transfer, and were given fast lane status by the Russian consulate.
Vladimir Sikorsky, a Russian embassy envoy was on hand to explain the fine details of the move.
“You need hats. In Moscow it very cold. Also, you need to be able to drink large quantities of vodka without falling down. Us Russian, we can drink three bottles a day without getting tipsy, but you British will have to learn the Russian way. Also, you have to know about food shopping, in our shops food very expensive, only VIP oligarch can shop there. In some Moscow markets, one tomato is equivalent to £7.50.”
Jeremy Corbyn, however, has sought to calm the nerves of his staff and followers.
“Comrades, as your supreme Agent Cob, I wish to assuage any form of terror you may be feeling right now when I announced the Moscow move. Remember that I am doing this to get back to our roots, and also because I’m a commie bastard who subscribes to Marxist ideology.”
This week’s twitter hashtag trend has shown a movement away from the victim-led #MeToo tag that had women crying about things like someone asking them out on a date, to hashtags like #YouAsWell, #WhoCares and #GetOverYourself which dealt with people who are fed up of the hysteria.
One twitter user, 98Arbunkin was certain that the #MeToo generation of #snowflakes were more of a danger to themselves with their constant moaning and groaning.
“Why don’t they just shut up. If you have a legitimate problem, or someone has seriously done you wrong, molested you, raped you, go to the police. Don’t write it on twitter. We don’t care anymore. Get over yourselves for fuck’s sake.”
Professor Giles Timberlik, a social media expert at the University of Kentucky Fry in Austin, Texas, has conducted data driven studies into the #MeToo phenomenon of caterwauling women.
“It’s simply a way for the hysterical bags of oestrogen to moan about men by using twitter to put the spotlight on the person who uses the hashtag to moan about men. Like look at me I am one of you, I don’t like men either. Hey, look at my profile. Look at me. Look at my beautiful assortment of selfies.”
Attention whores
This is why paying attention to the #metoo posters is adding fuel to the fire. It is in fact taking women’s rights back to the stone age.
“I just won’t employ women any more. It’s that simple. I need people that work, don’t get pregnant and don’t moan about the simplest of things like complimenting her, or asking her out on a date. If they don’t want to be employed, it’s their problem, not mine,” a video production suite manager, who deals with many Hollywood productions told LAWeek magazine.
Women who profit from their looks should deal with the fact that they are using their looks to make money, and they are attractive to men.
Mosher Libavitz, an agent who caters for Hollywood celebrities is just as sick of #metoo as everyone else.
“I see actresses come here, tits hanging out, a dress up to her waist, and they complain to me that men look at them. She said she posted #metoo in disgust. Then she got down on both knees in my office and asked if I got her a part in the latest Spielberg film, she will do this, and that, licking her lips. I said, okay, then after she finished I told her to leave. She did not get the part, so then she posts on twitter that I raped her,” Mr. Libavitz said from jail yesterday.
It has been a nightmare 24 hours for Agent Cob (aka Labour MP Jeremy Corbyn).
First he was told that the security forces were on to his double dealing with the Russians, then his own party started to question his soviet orders.
Here is an agent who prided himself in his meticulous espionage techniques of hiding under plain sight, exposed for the whole world to see.
Issuing a statement to the House of Commons, Agent Cob was adamant that he was innocent to all accusations of spying for the Russians.
“I am not a spy. I have not handed secrets or any form of information to the Russians, now or at any time in the past,” Agent Cob said emphatically.
Then someone in the audience coughed loudly whilst uttering the word “Bullshit!”.
Tenterhooks
It is yet to be seen whether Agent Cob will be expelled back to Russia, as he may abscond and disappear once again into the unknown to continue plotting his return.
MI6 operative, St John Sinclair, (Agent 00x) has other thoughts.
“Agent Cob has been responsible for many leaks that have compromised British national security. If he won’t go back to Russia after being expelled, we’ll just have to get Q branch onto him. They have many contraptions that can delete Agent Cob without even a trace. We are certainly not as messy as our Russian friends when it comes to erasing erroneous assets.”
The majority of military Russians, except for a few portions still subscribe to the old Soviet conscript model and are seriously lax in modern fighting methods or equipment.
This is why a ground war with Russia would be a fait accomplis for the crumbling old facade of the poverty stricken rabble that is the Russian army.
Yes, Putin can always threaten complete nuclear annihilation of the earth with his grandiose killer missiles, but even he does not want that. His aim, even if it is deluded, is to conquer the West intact so he can be the ultimate Czar of the world with Russian supremacy over all.
Modernization needs money, and this is where Russia ultimately falls down. The country, now an International pariah, is sanctioned to the hilt, and its primary revenue streams are diverted by corrupt oligarchs offshore.
“Our unit has two rifles to practice with. I asked my commanding officer what would happen in combat, and he told me that we would have to share the old Soviet rifles together, maybe one chap takes a shot, then another might think he can do better. So you pass the rifles around the unit, or if someone is killed and he is holding the rifle, you pick it up and carry on until the whole unit perishes,” Sergei Olkov, a private in Russia’s second division stationed in the Northeastern Group in the Kamchatka Peninsula revealed.
To go into battle with today’s modern forces would mostly be suicide for the poor Russian conscripts, who are so ill trained, they don’t even have the capacity to understand the basic battle tactics or maneuvers most other forces utilise to win over the enemy.
Only about a quarter of Russian ground forces are fully staffed, well-trained professional troops. The rest are a mishmash of units put together, some don’t even have uniforms, and serve in their tracksuits. They have never even fired live weapons or had access to specialist military equipment.
One only has to look at the graveyard of Afghanistan to see the abandoned Soviet tanks and Migs, revealing the realities of how poorly performing the Russians were even when fighting old men in huts carrying 19th century single shot rifles.
“The Russian boys would be seen frolicking around in their camps, they run around naked, drunk, slapping each others butts, and doing god knows what to each other. When they came out to patrol once a week, I would shoot one round into the sky. Then they would run away with real fear in their eyes. To us, these were not men but girls,” a Pashtun warrior chief, recalled.
Naturally, Putin only sent the cream of the crop to the recent Syrian conflict as a showcase for the world’s media, however these only make up one percent of the current Russian army.
What of the conflict in Ukraine? Putin cannot even advance from the small pockets of land he has illegally occupied, as his troops are so weak.
All the talk about Russia this, Russia that. It’s all hysteria, smoke and mirrors. There is no threat from Russia on the ground or in the air. If the West wanted to, they could cut through Russia faster than a babushka cuts through her tepid cabbage soup with a mouldy wooden spoon.
How about a trip on the ageing only Russian aircraft carrier, the Soviet-era Admiral Kuznetsov. Basically it is an old rust bucket which breaks down frequently and needs its own tug to tow it back to shore on practically every voyage it goes on.
This some say is why Russians drink so much vodka, because inherently they are cowards, and have to be so drunk to even get the guts to pick up a weapon let alone shoot it.
You ever tried to do a bicycle kick wearing a full Hazmat chemical hazard suit in a World Cup final?
Well, the England boys are all suited up and ready for today’s training. Their destination is the 2018 World Cup in Russia, which will be a serious test for the team.
After a few minutes, there’s a breakaway, Jordan Henderson, the Liverpool midfielder suddenly checks his run, and parries through an instep drive towards centre. Unfortunately, due to the Hazmat suit, his shot hits a stopper, and the opposing side now delve deep into territorial danger bossing the game. After angling to the sweeper, then square passing to Harry Kane who runs the ball right up to the opposition’s line of retreat just outside the penalty box, he suddenly collapses with extreme heat exhaustion and cannot move. The goalie breathes a sigh of relief.
The perils of this dangerous endeavour are ever present. Half the team can barely run for fifteen minutes before suffering from heat exhaustion and fatigue wearing the heavy suits.
“It’s hard on the legs especially. Plus you try spitting phlegm in a Hazmat? You can’t spit, you can barely run, and your field of vision is shot to shit,” Jamie Carragher says from the sidelines.
It’s half time and the boys are knackered. There’s no way you can eat an orange segment let alone have a smoke in a fucking Hazmat.
Second half
Gareth Southgate, the manager comes out of his hut at 56 minutes and presses a red button. It’s a chemical nerve agent test to see if the England squad will survive.
If they have their Hazmat suits on and in proper nick, then it should be okay. Oh dear, one of the boys goes down, the gas got through a little gap as he didn’t put his head dress on properly. Poor bastard, looks like Rose, Tottenham left-back. He is carted off the pitch twitching like an altar boy in a Catholic church. After a few minutes the medics administer the antidote and the foam stops coming out of his mouth. He’s okay.
“I wanted to test the team. What if we’re two goals up on Russia, and they suddenly send in their nerve gas while we’re at the other end of the pitch to the Russian team? This is why it is essential our boys wear these suits. Not only could it save our lives but we could win games whilst under chemical attack, the cowardly Russians are dirty players, but we won’t let them get us,” Southgate later revealed.
You’ve got to hand it to the brave players for the England squad. They’re really putting themselves forward for Queen and country.
Scientists for the Agricultural Research Center in Syracuse, Onondaga County, New York, have revealed the shocking findings in a recent research journal posted last week.
Professor Haley Baum, has shocked the world’s vegetarians and vegans with the research data.
“Our initial analysis process was to determine electrical nano-pulse feedback from plants when harvested from the ground. We found that when a plant is uprooted from the earth it has stood in from seed, the plant lets off a high pitched sound above any human register, along with electrical impulses. This reaction led us to hypothesise that the plant was not happy about being uprooted and was in effect screaming for its life.
“We then moved on to vegetables being first cut, then eaten. We attached a series of meters and electrical signal sequencers to each vegetable. The noisiest scream and electrical impulse came from a tomato. Each cut of the blade through its flesh would register a shock impulse denoting extreme distress, then when the tomato was put in the mouth and slowly chewed the distress signal increased until slowly ebbing away.
“Bananas being peeled are in pain. It is akin to skinning a living animal. Scraping the skin off carrots, we registered the yelps of pain and distress. Putting fruit in a blender however resulted in no electrical impulse or sound, because death came quickly.”
Salad
It is thought that meat eaters are the cruel ones, but think about those grapes, maybe that slice of lemon, or that watermelon you just sliced and diced.
This new revelation by scientists may change our eating habits forever. Maybe fruit and vegetables will have to be stunned first before meal preparation.
Restaurateurs are not happy with the new scientific data. Many who were consulted, said that this would mean many meals for customers would take longer to prepare costing them millions in lost revenue.
All living things feel pain, and anguish, especially when they are cut up, doused in the finest balsamic vinegar, then thrust unceremoniously into your mouth. Crunch, crunch, crunch!
Something has brought forward this thought about the major threat to democracy in the West and the rise of China-led globalism.
Recently, the monopolistic tech companies like Google and Facebook started to clamp down on free speech, freedom of expression, satire, and other forms of literature. This totalitarian policy was once only seen in China’s communist dictatorship, and censoring regime.
Put two and two together and you have globalism led by China. This means that the tech companies are actually following Chinese communistic techniques in limiting freedom of speech, censorship and dictating what people can and cannot say.
Therefore, one can see that there is a shift to soviet communism by the tech companies, who are pandering to China’s globalistic aspirations to take over the West.
The tech companies are not doing this only for money, but one suspects that they actually subscribe to Chinese communist doctrine.
In relation to the communist doctrine that encapsulates China, some tech companies even happily report dissidents to Chinese authorities. Twitter and Google have both done this, which resulted in the dissidents disappearing, never to be seen again. The Chinese authorities can only get the data about someone’s details, from Twitter or Google, therefore they collaborate with the communist regime in arresting individuals who are critical of the state.
China’s awful human rights record is of course glossed over when it comes to profit, and so is the treatment of Tibetans who have been tortured, killed and displaced by the brutal communist Chinese state.
Imagine being abducted and whisked away to a cell where you spend the next several months or years with no charge or conviction, and your organs harvested.
Communist Chinese brutality puts down any talk of democracy, freedom of expression or free speech. This is very similar to how the Western tech monopolies are acting right now.
There can be no globalism with communist China. If this happens, Western democracy loses everything.
Holy Shit! This is proof that Wakanda is real because a spaceship or some sort of craft made from vibratium was filmed zooming over the Atlantic ocean at impossible speeds by US Navy F-18 pilots.
“We’re sure it was the Black Leopard on a mission from Wakanda. They have technology way more advanced than us white men. It was incredible. I think the craft was travelling at 45,000 mph with no sign of jets, exhaust or heat,” flight lieutenant, Agustin Moss, told the New York Times.
Black people all over the world are celebrating the existence and solid proof that Wakanda is not just a made-up place created by CGI experts in Hollywood.
“Imma go Africa ‘n’ axe whey da Wakanda at? Niggas betta point me in da right direction and sheeit!” Maurice Shanaquanda III Esq., an avid Black Hyena fan from New York told Ebony Magazine.
Today’s world has no borders. Even if a person physically is not in the same country that his second half or a friend, they can still communicate effectively.
No matter how far the people are they still can enjoy each other.
In order to facilitate the communication with those who live in different countries, messengers and video chats were developed.
Messaging online is quite good. It lets us instantly to send the message to people we love. Though, video chats are even more effective.
They let the person to see the other person no matter how far he is. The person simply has to use video chat coomeet to get advanced communication experience.
What the Internet Friendship Brings You
Getting to know new friends on the Internet is not a regular practice for many people. Some still think you can’t find real emotions online. Though, in reality, the Internet is only another type of space, where feelings can be not less realistic than in real life.
Often when people meet online they keep a friendship for many years or even for the whole lifetime.
Getting friends online has some important benefits:
You can find special people whom you can hardly meet in your regular surrounding. Often people find their second halves online.
You can get to know people with different beliefs. On the Internet social, cultural and religious borders do not exist. You can get to know an Indian person who is British. This unique cultural experience is very valuable.
You can find people who have similar interest than you do. Often a person who lives in the same surrounding for a lot of time lacks communications. He needs to find new people to share his ideas with. Internet friendship is exactly what is needed.
These are the main benefits the Internet friendship provides. Use virtual space for the real benefits. Find interesting people and establish new contacts.
Does Fraud on the Internet Exist?
One of the main disadvantages of talking to unknown people online is that you can hardly know if you talk to real personalities. Fraud on the Internet is a very normal thing. Though, you can protect yourself from it.
In order to do so that you have to choose that communication platforms that check its participants. Such websites oblige people who want to register to present their personal photos and scan versions of passport. That is a very efficient way to check if the person is real or not.
Another threat that exists in the virtual space is personal details disclosure. Often in virtual space, the information simply leaks. If you would like to protect your personal data, you need to check Confidentiality policy of a given platform. You should find the clause that states that the web-platform won’t pass your personal details to third parties.
Virtual space opens great opportunities. Though, it is important to use it accurately. If the person feels secure, he will use the possibilities the Internet provides extensively. He will be able to find new friends and new impressions.
