17.7 C
London
Wednesday, November 6, 2024
secret satire society
HomeSportsEngland Football Team Prepare For Russian World Cup

England Football Team Prepare For Russian World Cup

MOSCOW - Russia - The World Cup 2018 is set to be a real test for the England squad when they have to play in Hazmat chemical suits.

You ever tried to do a bicycle kick wearing a full Hazmat chemical hazard suit in a World Cup final?

Well, the England boys are all suited up and ready for today’s training. Their destination is the 2018 World Cup in Russia, which will be a serious test for the team.

After a few minutes, there’s a breakaway, Jordan Henderson, the Liverpool midfielder suddenly checks his run, and parries through an instep drive towards centre. Unfortunately, due to the Hazmat suit, his shot hits a stopper, and the opposing side now delve deep into territorial danger bossing the game. After angling to the sweeper, then square passing to Harry Kane who runs the ball right up to the opposition’s line of retreat just outside the penalty box, he suddenly collapses with extreme heat exhaustion and cannot move. The goalie breathes a sigh of relief.

The perils of this dangerous endeavour are ever present. Half the team can barely run for fifteen minutes before suffering from heat exhaustion and fatigue wearing the heavy suits.

“It’s hard on the legs especially. Plus you try spitting phlegm in a Hazmat? You can’t spit, you can barely run, and your field of vision is shot to shit,” Jamie Carragher says from the sidelines.

It’s half time and the boys are knackered. There’s no way you can eat an orange segment let alone have a smoke in a fucking Hazmat.

Second half

Gareth Southgate, the manager comes out of his hut at 56 minutes and presses a red button. It’s a chemical nerve agent test to see if the England squad will survive.

If they have their Hazmat suits on and in proper nick, then it should be okay. Oh dear, one of the boys goes down, the gas got through a little gap as he didn’t put his head dress on properly. Poor bastard, looks like Rose, Tottenham left-back. He is carted off the pitch twitching like an altar boy in a Catholic church. After a few minutes the medics administer the antidote and the foam stops coming out of his mouth. He’s okay.

“I wanted to test the team. What if we’re two goals up on Russia, and they suddenly send in their nerve gas while we’re at the other end of the pitch to the Russian team? This is why it is essential our boys wear these suits. Not only could it save our lives but we could win games whilst under chemical attack, the cowardly Russians are dirty players, but we won’t let them get us,” Southgate later revealed.

You’ve got to hand it to the brave players for the England squad. They’re really putting themselves forward for Queen and country.

  Daily Squib Book

  DAILY SQUIB BOOK The Perfect Gift or can also be used as a doorstop. Grab a piece of internet political satire history encapsulating 15 years of satirical works. The Daily Squib Anthology REVIEWS: "The author sweats satire from every pore" | "Overall, I was surprised at the wit and inventedness of the Daily Squib Compendium. It's funny, laugh out loud funny" | "Would definitely recommend 10/10" | "This anthology serves up the choicest cuts from a 15-year reign at the top table of Internet lampoonery" | "Every time I pick it up I see something different which is a rarity in any book"
- Advertisment -

NEWS ON THE HOUR

MORE NEWS

THE DAILY SQUIB ANTHOLOGY

The definitive book of Juvenalian satire and uncanny prophesies that somehow came true. This is an anthology encompassing 15 years of Squib satire on the internet compiled and compressed into one tiddly book. Buy the Book Now!