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Euro Crisis Voted Most Boring News Event of All Time

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“I’d rather watch my toe nails grow or stick spikes in my ear holes. If I ever hear or see another bit of Euro nonsense I’m going to commit an atrocity,” Jean Beddlemarker, a disgruntled baker from Bruges, Brussels, told the Euro Voice newspaper.

John Albright, a teacher from Manchester, England, said: “It’s getting ridiculous now, every time I pick up a newspaper, watch a news story or listen to someone speak in the street, it’s all about the eurozone and Greece. Chuck the ingrates out, if they want to leave let them leave. I’m sick of it. Blast the sods to the moon for all I care, and as for transaction taxes in the City, stuff ’em. Put up or shut up Cammo, you yellow bellied pork rind sniffing weasel. Get Britain out of the EU and tell those shisters to bog off. No one has any balls anymore. Get on with it you bastards. What would Winston Churchill have done? Well, do the same thing you blithering idiots.”

There was also mass revulsion for the so-called leader of the EU, the cowardly faceless spineless piss boy, Herman van Rompuy.

“Let’s be honest, he looks like a paedo, and he has no voice. He’s got no charisma, has no leadership qualities whatsoever and as well as being a humourless twat, is slow to react to anything that happens in the eurozone. All in all, a dithering faceless eurocrat with a huge taxpayer funded salary and no remit to run the EU in any shape or form. A chimpanzee could do a better job than that cretin. He has no ability to make decisions, or plan anything, basically, he’s an overpaid useless scumbag who needs to be tossed from the Tower of Babel EU headquarters in Brussels. When he lands head first on the pavement and dashes his pea brain out the side of his thick skull, then the EU might have a chance. Otherwise, as long as this moronic piece of detritous is in charge, you can bet your bottom dollar that the euro will reach parity with the dollar. As for your pensions, your savings, your properties, your salaries, you can kiss those goodbye too, because the EU is a train wreck,” another disgruntled EU citizen ranted.

Someone or something please deliver us from this boredom.

Travolta to Marry Cruise in Church of Scatology Ceremony

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The wedding of the century will be the highlight of the election year, with president Barack Obama attending at the Church of Scatology cult’s Los Angeles compound.

“This will be a great promotion for Obama’s gay wedding endorsement, and the Church of Scatology is proud to induct our two biggest stars into the anals of American history,” president and CEO of the Church of Scatology, David Miscarriage, told the LA Times.

The wedding is set to take place close to the American elections in November, and president Obama is keen to use the ceremony as a way to push forward his agenda and gain more votes.

“These are two huge Hollywood stars getting married here. John’s going to fly in from his ranch, you know he’s in New York one minute eating at a restaurant, and the next he’s getting a back rub in the Marmont. The guy flies everywhere real quick. As for Tom, well, he’s going to abseil into the wedding from a helicopter, or maybe his stunt double will. It’s going to be a beautiful wedding, there’ll be lots of auditing going on, maybe some Kretans might make an appearance, but I’m sure after the wedding those two will get their E-meters out and start whackin’ away like it was Penu’s birthday,” one of the wedding organisers told CBS news.

Other celebrities and famous people who will attend are Kelly Preston and Katie Holmes who are set to give the two newlyweds their best wishes on their special day.

Piers Morgan Has Mobile Phone Hacked

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The hacker was able to access the private messages left to Piers Moron, who ruined so many people’s lives with his evil deceitful practices of hacking phones and listening to people’s private messages to write revealing articles in his paper.

“I was able to access Piers Moron’s phone messages and to say I was shocked at what I heard would be an understatement. I have to say though, he fully deserves everything that comes to him the smug faced lying piece of shit,” the anonymous hacker revealed to BBC’s Newsnight.

For the very first time, the Daily Squib can reveal the 20 most recent messages all from different people on Piers Moron’s mobile phone:

1. You are a c*nt

2. You are a c*nt

3. You are a c*nt

4. You are a c*nt

5. You are a c*nt

6. You are a c*nt

7. You are a c*nt

8. You are a c*nt

9. You are a c*nt

10. You are a c*nt

11. You are a c*nt

12. You are a c*nt

13. You are a c*nt

14. You are a c*nt

15. You are a c*nt

16. You are a c*nt

17. You are a c*nt

18. You are a c*nt

19. You are a c*nt

20. You are a c*nt

Piers Moron, who is currently running CNN into the dirt with poor ratings for his awful talk show, was not available for comment when contacted yesterday. He’s still a c*nt though.

Daily Squib to Float

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“Definitely the Daily Squib is a floater. When we float this media giant, it’s going to block the drains up, you’ll need a big fucking plunger to flush this one through. You might get a few bits that break off though, you know some sweetcorn or stories about reality show celebrities. Get ready for floatation, a big plop that is sure to make you jump up from the seat and wince in displeasure at the splash back of all splashbacks,” the Daily Squib’s accountant, Giles Winnit, declared yesterday from the Squib’s offices.

Indeed, the Daily Squib’s media empire of a few bedraggled mystery journalists are dedicated to creating wonderful stories for everyone to flush down their brain holes, so why not float something that brings so much pleasure to so many? What is there to lose apart from every shred of dignity, credibility and tonnes of money?

“They’ve gone from three dedicated readers to over five readers in as much as five years of internet news coverage. This is a startling achievement in a cold dark conglomerate media controlled environment where all news is dominated by only a few news outlets. The Daily Squib is dedicated to taking the news and digesting it, then releasing it out into the internet with a massive dump. We think the Daily Squib certainly is a floater, and it is so magnificent in its audacity that the bowl could very well overflow if it floats, even dumping itself on the floor or the seat. You ever been to a public toilet and seen one of those? I was in an airport toilet once…” Head of Floatations and Acquisitions at Delmer, Turd and Schwartz Share Brokers in New York told Forbes magazine yesterday.

Britain Plans On Going Back to Age of Horse and Cart

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“Britain’s road system was originally built specifically for the horse and cart, then we put cars on them, which we now know is not a system that works. With the current economic situation and Chancellor’s handling of the economy, we now want Britons to go back to the horse and cart. We will also open up Britain’s vast canal system and use the river Thames again to transport goods across South East Britain via canal boats and barges. Let’s take Britain back to its glory days, the days when you couldn’t walk the streets without stepping in a big pile of horse shit,” Minister for Transport, Tony Bilge, told the Daily Mail.

Motor vehicles have been a blight on Britain’s roads, which have never been upgraded to accommodate their width or capacity.

“You try driving down a windy narrow British road in a car, where both sides of the carriageway are blocked off with parked vehicles impinging on the road space and you’ve got other cars and massive buses coming down the other side. This is why the horse and cart is the ideal way to travel on Britain’s roads no more cars please. What with the huge fuel tax, that means you can fill up your regular car by spending a fortune. If you had to do the same in any other country in the rest of the world, there would be massive riots, but in Britain as usual, no one even bats an eyelid. That on top of inhibitive road tax charges and MOT costs, as well as rip off insurance costs, you know the horse and cart is going to win hands down,” a disgruntled ex-car owner told the BBC.

Thousands of people across Britain are now selling their cars and getting horses.

“It’s the new transport of the future. My family just bought a lovely nag, and a cart. We have almost reduced our travel costs by 95%, even though it takes us a lot longer to get anywhere, we still think it’s a great way to travel. It is very easy to setup a stable in your garden or you can lease a patch of grass somewhere,” Alfie Noakes, a resident of Biggleswittle, Surrey, told the BBC morning news.

The government is involved in a stable and horse initiative to increase the number of stables across England and Wales, as well as inns for stop offs during long journeys for travellers. The only drawback is that there has been a marked increase in armed robbers and highwaymen who are robbing travellers once again.

“With the resurgence of the horse and carriage, highwaymen have increased in numbers, but we are increasing the police presence in robbery hot spots to counteract this menace. The main positive point with the re-introduction of the horse and wagon is that we can now employ thousands of more Britons, as stable hands, horse manure sweepers otherwise called crossing sweepers and other professions linked with horses, such as blacksmiths and saddle makers. For Britain’s ailing economy this is a wonderful much needed boost,” the Minister for Transport, Mr Bilge, added.

Greece to Have 300 Elections

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“If there are 365 days in a year, we want to have elections on 300 of those days. The rest of the days will be rest days, in other words a normal working day for us. This is our promise to those unelected officials in the EU who have ordered us to be slaves to our debt,” an irreverent Greek man said in the streets of Athens.

The elections will be held every day for 300 days and the election results will be relayed directly to Berlin. Some days leftists may be elected, before they resign, other days centrists and right wingers, there may be even room for a few fascists.

“If we have 300 elections this will mean we do not have to pay back the money we owe to Berlin. They won’t know whether we’re coming or going because so many different factions will be elected and disbanded. We could eke this 300 election thing out for the next 300 years. It is a great ploy to sow the seeds of confusion to the German pig dogs,” Stavros Malakas, a senior political analyst for Greece’s main television station said on his program.

Zuckerberg to Play Icarus in New Facebook IPO Movie

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Speaking from Fox studios in Hollywood, movie executive, Chaim Golder, said: “The new film is going to be amazing. We’re going to have Mark soaring up into the sky high up flying with his wings. He’ll get so high, he’ll want to go higher and higher and higher, until he gets too close to the sun. The wax that holds his wings together will slowly melt and he will start to fall, lower and lower and lower. Much like the share price of Facebook once the IPO is over.”

Zuckerberg was said to be excited about starring in the top Hollywood production and is keen to get into a pair of wings to flap around the Facebook campus and show his friends.

“The film is going to be great, it’s going to be like a bubble bursting, like a rock falling to the ground so fast that it makes a crater. I can’t wait for my new IPO so I can make billions in paper profits, then see it all disappear into the ether in one minute when all the shorters get hold of it and have their fun,” Zuckerberg said from the Facebook canteen, on Tuesday.

The new Icarus film will be released in July 2013, by that time the Facebook share price should be at 19 cents.

Global Economic Collapse and Other Fun Things

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 The banks have orchestrated a spectacular coup de grâce on the world’s populations with a huge crisis that will affect everyone for generations to come. These robber barons have robbed and pillaged every penny from the slave worker bees, but they want more, much more.

The looming crisis will make 2008 look like a picnic in the park, and there are sure to be riots in the streets of every major world city because of the nature of the human condition; without food or security for you and your family, what are you going to do if you were not prepared? Exactly as planned, you will try and go into the streets to get food and water for you and your family. You will probably be met with soldiers and riot police, but that is not the problem of the bankers and the politicians. They do not care, they never have, and they never will.

America will be sucked into the debt maelstrom that has been concocted in Europe in 2012, and will be worse than the Fanny Mae, Freddy Mac saga of 2008. With the American streets shut off and martial law enforced by the US military, the FEMA camps will be full of people, confused, hungry and most of all angry at the situation they have found themselves in. The Katrina disaster is an example of what it would be like. When people will be begging to go to FEMA camps for food, you know things can’t get any worse than that. There they will find the end of the American dream and the beginning of the American nightmare.

The next phase of the economic crisis will threaten your way of life, as you have been lulled into a sense of security and apathy now, you will wake up from your slumber to something so terrible that you will wish you had woken up earlier before the bankers and elite had set this crisis up.

When Goldman Sachs says everything is alright and you should buy, that’s when you sell everything you have, when they say sell, that’s when you buy. There has never been a more evil, baby sacrificing firm as Goldman Sachs, an inhuman breed of demons who would sell their own children to dog pit owners so they could be torn limb from limb for entertainment and profit. These people have no conscience, no souls, no morals or one ounce of love in their black hearts. They kill millions in a millisecond without batting an eyelid, and condemn billions to purgatory with every stale breath. They are the architects of evil on earth and when all hell breaks loose, they will sit out the purging of the populations in their luxury bunkers sipping champagne and getting their dicks sucked by the privileged whores who were allowed to live with their masters.

Debts don’t just disappear, and bailouts are never a fix for fundamental faults. Since J.P. Morgan created the credit default swap, the time bomb of economic destruction was ticking away.

Let us also not forget Bill Clinton and democrats like Barack Obama who pushed for poor Americans to be given mortgages they could not possibly afford and were thus the precursor for the 2008 sub-prime crisis.

The next phase of the plan will dramatically reduce people’s savings, destroy businesses, saving accounts, investments and pensions.

Everything will change, you will not be able to go on holiday anymore, or surf your facebook page or watch the latest banal Kardashian reality show on your TV box.

What happens to commodity prices during major crisis? They rise to impossible levels, milk, bread, petrol prices soar, credit cards will not work anymore and banks simply close their doors. Empty supermarket shelves cannot feed you or your family. The governments today do not have an answer to the question of sustainability. There are no mentions of ‘economic growth’ because they know full well that under the current system, there is no solution to the problem of increasing population and decreasing resources. Eventually the laws of physics catch up to the lies, and this is what is happening now. They held off the inevitable with lies for so long that there is no time left for them and they know full well that the day of reckoning is upon them. Will the people wake up from the lies they have been fed for so long? Probably not, even when everything is taken away from them, they will still trust their masters, even when they are being systematically liquidated, they will still believe their masters and they will obey without question.

The U.S. Dollar is today the world’s reserve primary currency, and if this were to change, there would be grave danger for Americans especially as everything they purchase is in the primary currency of the world.

The U.S. government has borrowed so much money that there will come a time very soon from now when they will not be able to pay back even the interest on the loans. Much like Greece has done, the U.S. is unfortunately so much in debt that even if they took away all the interest and everyone in the country worked seven days a week for the next fifty years and taxed 100% of their income, they would still not be able to pay back the interest on the debt.

If America goes, what hope for little minnows like Britain or other countries in the world? Well, the UK does not have as much debt as America but unfortunately it is tied to Europe, and this will be its undoing as it is sucked up by the EU to adopt the euro currency. There will be no option as Britain’s weak politicians capitulate to the might of Germany. Britain may have won two world wars, but it will lose the third world war, which is the economic one.

America has more debt than the European Union combined and eventually they will have nowhere to go, because the interest alone on the debt will not be sustainable. What are they going to do, borrow more or print more cash devaluing the dollar to nothing? Imagine hauling a suitcases of dollars around to buy a loaf of bread, the Germans know full well what that feels like.

The almighty U.S. Dollar is the world’s reserve currency and with this in mind, Americans have never had to pay for their imports in a foreign currency, not like other countries have to buy dollars first to buy anything. Well the dollar as the world’s reserve currency is the reason why Americans do not need to manufacture anything in America, or pay for high oil prices. This is why they can fill up their gas tanks for less than a cup of tea in the UK. This is what they have been living off for the past thirty years, if they get into a spot of bother, they just print a bit more money and mess around with the interest rates a little bit. Otherwise, it’s spend, spend, spend. Just ask Barack Obama about the spending, he knows full well what the situation is, but he’ll be in his bunker, with Michelle and the kids reading bed time stories while up above them all hell will be breaking loose.

As America spends and spends and spends, its consumption-led way of life will end abruptly soon enough when its biggest creditors realise that there is no end to the spending. China knows full well that America is in serious trouble and will not be able to pay back its debts and they are now pushing for a new reserve currency for the world. China has also been dumping its American debt and diversifying in other currencies, even the troubled euro is preferable to the dollar for the Chinese.

When America loses its reserve currency status, things will get harder for the leading spender in the world. Everything in America will suddenly get really expensive, European prices times ten and then some.

The British Pound Sterling used to be the world’s reserve currency, that is until the socialist Labour party devalued it in the 1970s resulting in the 1978 Winter of Discontent. One must understand that the U.S. situation would be multiplied a thousand times over and instead of rotting bins in the streets, there could very well be rotting carcasses. America is a tinderbox waiting to go off, with so many armed to the teeth and on anti-depressents, it will literally implode from within with the fury of the rampaging armed populace.

When America lost its AAA rating recently, that very act also added to the misery of the U.S. economy because it will mean that the debts will be even harder to pay off,  although it would have been impossible to pay off even with a AAA.

As for jobs? Where are they? American companies, already on the backfoot are laying off people left, right and centre. The skewed Obama unemployment statistics only count the people who are on benefits, which are for a very limited time in America, not like the UK. Once people lose their unemployment benefits, they are not counted anymore, but they are still UNEMPLOYED.

With 48 million Americans on foodstamps, and a growing number of permanently unemployed citizens begging for work, who is going to pay off America’s debts?

We are revisiting 1937 all over again and one only has to read a history book to realise what is coming.

Greece: One Picture Says it All

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What would Plato, Socrates and Aristotle say if they could view their fellow Greeks now?

“It’s OK we’re taking your pensions, your stocks, economies and everything else down with us. We spent the money, now we won’t pay it back, and we’re going to take the whole West down the plug hole. Such is our lot in life, we are the victims here, we binged on Porsche Cayennes, luxury yachts; built hi-tech rail systems and squandered every penny from the Germans. We lied to get into the Euro because we knew it would be a gravy train, we got Goldman to cook the books, they did a great job and fooled everyone including the Germans. Now the Krauts want their money back. Well, screw them, we want to retire at 30, have three hour lunches and work two day weeks. W’ell also make the Brits pay for our gluttony too. We don’t want to pay tax and we don’t want to pay back the money we owe, but we still want to stay in the euro currency, because we’re the victims here — of our own corruption,” the fifth Greek finance minister in a week, Christos Papalopolopo, told Greek news crews yesterday.

Another Greek politician said: “People should stop knocking us Greeks; all we want to do is stay in the euro without following any of the rules, not pay our debts and continue borrowing money from the same people we just told to f*ck off….what’s the problem?”

ZDF ‘The Greek Lie’

Elton John's Baby Caught Trying to Escape Again

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“We caught him in the lobby. He had clamped his mouth on a woman’s bosom and was suckling like mad. Poor little blighter, we had to drag him away and he left scratch marks on the concierge’s desk,” Elton John’s bodyguard told the New York Times.

The poor baby was then sent up to the apartment to be with the couple, who unfortunately cannot give the little boy what he really needs.

“Whenever we take him to public places he tries to grab women’s breasts and makes gurgling noises. He gets very upset indeed and starts crying for his mummy. My husband and I really do not know what on earth is wrong,” Elton John’s husband, David Furnish told CBS news.