Daily Squib to Float

LONDON - England - Just like Facebook has floated on the stock market, so too will the Daily Squib, our newspaper's head accountant told prospective shareholders today.

“Definitely the Daily Squib is a floater. When we float this media giant, it’s going to block the drains up, you’ll need a big fucking plunger to flush this one through. You might get a few bits that break off though, you know some sweetcorn or stories about reality show celebrities. Get ready for floatation, a big plop that is sure to make you jump up from the seat and wince in displeasure at the splash back of all splashbacks,” the Daily Squib’s accountant, Giles Winnit, declared yesterday from the Squib’s offices.

Indeed, the Daily Squib’s media empire of a few bedraggled mystery journalists are dedicated to creating wonderful stories for everyone to flush down their brain holes, so why not float something that brings so much pleasure to so many? What is there to lose apart from every shred of dignity, credibility and tonnes of money?

“They’ve gone from three dedicated readers to over five readers in as much as five years of internet news coverage. This is a startling achievement in a cold dark conglomerate media controlled environment where all news is dominated by only a few news outlets. The Daily Squib is dedicated to taking the news and digesting it, then releasing it out into the internet with a massive dump. We think the Daily Squib certainly is a floater, and it is so magnificent in its audacity that the bowl could very well overflow if it floats, even dumping itself on the floor or the seat. You ever been to a public toilet and seen one of those? I was in an airport toilet once…” Head of Floatations and Acquisitions at Delmer, Turd and Schwartz Share Brokers in New York told Forbes magazine yesterday.