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Greek Olympic Torch Making Its Way to London Games

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The Olympic ceremony began with a complete riot, when thousands of Greek anti-austerity protestors broke through the barricades of the ancient Olympic site and started throwing Molotov cocktails everywhere.

The ceremonial torch bearer — a Greek policeman — was doused in flames as a Molotov cocktail and petrol can was tossed at him.

“I am proud to be the Olympic flame this year,” Stavros Scorchio, the burning riot policeman told national Greek news stations.

In seventy days time, the Olympic torchbearer will make his way to London, England, even though the poor chap may be burnt to a crisp by then.

“We’re going to carry the flame of the Olympic spirit through Tottenham, Clapham and Brixton. It’s going to be wicked, innit. I might even be tempted to nick some trainers on the way to the stadium,” another policeman, who was also on fire, told the BBC.

Euro Will Only Work If Britain Is Head of Single EU Government

“We will not join unless we are given the post at the head of the table,” British PM, David Cameron told the Daily Mail today.

EU politicians have conceded that the UK is a special case that will have to be treated with care when handled.

“The EU will not survive unless we have the UK as part of the eurozone, and the way to entice them into the single currency is by waving the carrot of regency in front of their noses. If they think they are so important, they can join and we can make them feel important. Such is the ‘superior’ stance of the British, they treat Europe like a self-service buffet restaurant, where they come and take what they want then go back to their little island. So, comrades, it is apparent to me that we need to dupe these people with a sense of importance that they think they deserve. We suckered all the other countries to join, so the UK will be the last bastion of the European superstate,” an unnamed, unelected EU bureaucrat told Euronews Daily.

The previous Labour government paved the way for the EU British euro inclusion with the mass immigration program that has changed the face of Britain forever. They also tied the government to treaties in the EU forcing the UK to shore up the crumbling eurozone with billions of British pounds.

Speaking from parliament, a former Labour cabinet member admitted that its policies were a godsend to Brussels.

“Tony Blair’s and Gordon Brown’s policies were to weaken the UK to such a level that in the future there will be no choice but to join the euro. As for David Cameron, he promised the people a referendum on Europe before he was elected, he reneged on this promise for a very good reason, his EU bosses have his hands tied, and they promise him great riches if he pulls the final plug on the UK. Britain will be sold off, as easily as the UK’s gold reserves were sold off at the bottom of the market by Gordon Brown. We brought in millions of immigrants from the poorest countries in Eastern Europe and Asia, because we knew that it will be perfect preparation for the final solution for Britain. You cannot have an EU entry for the UK with a united Britain, with families together and the indigenous populations intact. Without the family units, without the jobs, without the cohesive togetherness of a population, they are free to be corrupted by the EU. Divide and conquer, this time used on the populations of Britain instead of colonial populations, will weaken resistance to the inevitable assimilation into the eurozone. This technique, has of course been utilised for centuries by many who wanted to weaken populations. The Labour party should be applauded for its positive EU stance and its primary role in bringing the UK into the euro. We have laid the groundwork, David Cameron will finish what we started, as you all know, we all work for the same boss. He will give the people no choice but to join the euro currency.”

Google Robot Cars Involved in Road Rage Incident

“These cars were trying to go through an intersection, when one of the robot cars cut up the other robot car. They started to sound their horns and were jerking left and right. Then the doors opened and one of the robot cars started to tell the other robot car to “back off jack off, or get the crowbar”. It was real scary,” Augustine Sherry, a shocked observer to the altercation told CBS news.

Another witness said: “I didn’t know robot cars could swear like that. I felt the air go blue around the car as it freaked out, there was steam coming out of its engine compartment. The car even had a plastic robot hand that popped out of the front and it flipped the other car the bird. They sho’ gots a temper.”

Computer scientists who programmed the robot cars were quickly on the scene to calm the scary situation down.

“We got the call and were immediately on our way from the googleplex to the scene of the robot car roadrage incident. Looks like we need to adjust the algorithms a little. It took us a while to calm the cars down, but we promised them they could watch more episodes of the original series of Knightrider and they calmed down,” Al Getchya, one of the google scientists told local news stations.

Four google robot cars are now on probation and will be disciplined with a software downgrade.

At Least Sarkozy Got to Keep His New Hat

“At least I get to keep my ‘at. I shall take it home and polish it and cherish it for the rest of my pitiful life,” Mr Sarkozy said from his chauffeur driven car making its way away from the Elysee palace.

The spectacular hat was the height of fashion during the Merkozy years and Nicolas would wear it sometimes even to bed.

His wife, Carla Bruni, recalled: “Sarko would come to bed late most nights and he would be wearing his ‘at. I would say to him that it’s going to do someone an injury some time and poke their eye out. He just laughed it off and would lie on his pillow with it. So proud he was with it, because he would polish it everyday without fail and would gaze at it so lovingly.”

Mr Sarkozy utilised the German made hat to also gain a few inches of height. Without the hat he was only 3’9 but with the hat on and his special shoes he would be a towering 4’3″.

“I was not only a towering political figure during my heyday eh? You should have seen me strutting around the place with my ‘at and a fierce determination to screw the French people for everything they had,” a laughing Mr Sarkozy added.

Tortured 911 'Masterminds' Confess to Anything

“Are you trying to tell me that a bunch of Arabs who could not fly airplanes conducted highly skilled manoeuvres on very complicated machines at 650 mph to crash into the twin towers? Are you trying to tell me that the towers just crumbled like a pack of cards that defied the laws of gravity with their speed? Are you trying to tell me that Tower 7 just collapsed out of nowhere even though it was not hit by a single rock or crumb? Are you trying to tell me that a 757 fit into a tiny hole in the Pentagon and that an Arab dude who did not know how to fly an airplane flew it perfectly three feet over the Pentagon lawn smashing the plane through many levels of reinforced concrete and steel walls? Let’s look at the facts here. Who profited from 911? Cui bono? Certainly was not any Arab,” a disgusted lawyer said from the mainland USA.

There is legitimacy in the fact that if you torture someone enough, they will confess to anything.

“That’s true. These guys could’ve confessed to Mickey Mouse eating out their sisters, if it was so wished,” another lawyer said.

Even these people who are being held by the Americans had anything to do with 911, they certainly would not be able to mastermind such an operation, because it would take the logistics of an agency much larger than a few people to pull off.

“The American government didn’t scramble one single fighter jet plane during the 911 attacks. George W Bush did not leave his class room. If you read the PNAC you will read in plain sight that the 911 ‘Pearl Harbour event’ was planned many years in advance. Any Arabs working for the so-called ‘jihadist’ bogey men do not know who they are actually working for at the top of the pyramid. They are told they are working for Allah purely to motivate the brainwashed pawns. They only see someone a few tiers below the actual person or agency which is really pulling the strings. Islam is now the new bogey, the new pariah, the new enemy that America needed after the death of the Cold War threat. The threat of Islamic terrorism has been used by countless governments to close down democratic freedom and bring in pre-planned draconian laws,” a political theorist from Washington DC told Capitol Hill News.

Wealthy French to Leave Sinking Ship France

One thing that is normal in business and finance is that socialists make stock markets go down and right wingers make it go up. In the case of Sarkozy, even though he was a right winger, he still managed to cock up the markets, but the general rule usually remains about the markets. Socialists are only good at spending other people’s money, and when that runs out they just put the taxes up to huge levels.

Sarkozy’s gypsy curse has finally been realised, and as he was cursed by the Roma gypsies not too long ago when he rudely deported many out of France, he may even learn a lesson when he is packing his bling bling luggage from the Elysee palace tonight, like don’t f*ck with gypsy curses ever.

The new French president, Mr Hollande, is bound to introduce a financial transaction tax which will further isolate the UK.

“Soak the rich”

“One thing is for sure. Once the socialists take over France, tax will be raised to 75% for the wealthy who own income above one million euros. If you are rich, why would you want to give away €750,000 of your income to a socialist welfare system that pisses away your hard earned cash?  This is why I am selling up immediately. Socialists have little or no understanding of finance, or business and this is why whenever they are in power, they literally f*ck everything up,” Julien Pauvre, a retired shopkeeper and businessman from Lyons told Le Figaro.

The departure of France’s business people, entrepreneurs and the young for opportunities overseas will leave the country as a basic shell of itself and stifle all business.

“Socialism is a system that punishes innovation and business. There is nothing to work for, there is no hope for anyone who wants to work for a better life and build a business. This is why there will be a mass exodus now that Hollande has won,” another scared French businessman said.

The only thing missing in this revolution is a guillotine or two and Sarko and his cronies being led away for the chop in front of the braying crowds.

Tories Unpopular Even If They're Socialists

“We’ve tried to be socialists and people still hate us,” Mr Cameron blubbed into his mug of warm flat champagne.

Indeed, the Tory drive to be just like their socialist counterparts, the Labour party, has seriously backfired, because there is nothing worse to the voter than an insipid fake Tory trying to be a socialist.

“The Tories are idiots, they should be Tories and not socialistic arseholes like Labour. It just does not work to have a watered down version of the Conservative party. Unfortunately, since they mixed their ranks with the yellow of the Lib Dems, they have acquired the pallor of p*ss water and the consistency of runny poo. Such is the demise of the Consevatives under the weak piteous wretch Cameron, that they are just not fit for purpose anymore. Look what they have done with the economy, it’s a patchwork of nonsensical half-baked policy bolstered by such high levels of taxation that any moron with half a f*cking brain could see that it will take this country further into the mire. You don’t have to be a f*cking economist to know that, you don’t have to get a doctorate at the LSE to know that. The Tories are disgusting cowards, shameful sh*t bags with no spine who tried to emulate what Britain is used to, a socialist government, and failed miserably. Cammo needs to go and walk out into Britain’s streets and see for himself, let him try and hug a hoodie and get a six inch knife through his liver,” an angry ex-voter told the Guardian newspaper.

When Labour wins the next general election, the Conservatives will possibly never win an election in the UK again. This will be due to the fact that the UK is now indelibly addicted to the social benefits and welfare system and is basically a socialist country now. The people of Britain like the comfort of having champagne socialists ripping them off whilst pretending to be ‘for the people’. The British welfare system, created in post-war Britain in the 40s is what defines the UK now and the Conservative government are themselves existing in a socialist system. If you create a Labour-orintated system with millions of people dependent on state handouts and welfare system, then you will always have a core of supporters and votes. There can never be a Conservative government in a country where the whole infrastructure and population is geared towards the welfare state and mollycoddling meddling governmental interference of the socialistic system.

This is one lesson the Conservatives will never learn as they lose time and time again.

Theresa May: London Olympics Could Be Held At Heathrow

“Athletes and visitors from foreign countries do not technically have to go through immigration then because they will be watching and partaking in the Olympics from Heathrow airport,” May told a Commons hearing on the Olympics fiasco today.

Instead of it taking four hours for each and every Olympic visitor to go through UK immigration border control , Olympic fans will now be able to watch a bit of track and field maybe or check out the synchronised swimming team all from the comfort of Heathrow airport.

“We can easily use Heathrow’s runway on Terminal 4 as a track, and we want to flood the arrivals lounge to put in an Olympic swimming pool. How’s about a bit of boxing in the WHSmith’s? We can put in a few rings there, and the luggage belt could be a good cycle track. Don’t know about the pole vault though, maybe we can do it near the boarding gates over the piles of discarded luggage?” Geoff Allinson, Heathrow’s general manager told the BBC.

London Mayor, Boris Johnson, said the idea was “brillo” and suggested that having the women’s beach volley ball teams playing in the BA First Class lounge was a “stupendously spectacular” idea and he couldn’t wait to watch the proceedings with a gin and tonic, some cashews and a big shit-eating grin on his face.

As for the Olympic flame, that could be be housed over the men’s toilets in Terminal 2, or maybe the airport’s control tower.

“The good thing about this is after the Olympics are over, people just get on their planes and go home, simple as that,” Mrs May added.

Don't Worry Rupert You're Always Welcome at the Squib

After being deemed ‘not fit for purpose’ to run his global conglomerate, the media tycoon, Rupert Murdoch can at least find solace with a place in the Daily Squib boardroom.

“We’ve already got everything set up for Rupert. When he walks into his new Squib office he’ll have a lineup of fresh meat waiting for him. These girls will be delivered straight from Hong Kong and will be as fresh as the tulips in a Dutch garden. Then once he’s done his daily business, of course with the aid of some trusty pills, he can engage in his other pastime of flicking through the newspapers trying to find some filth to get our writers to write about. I’m not sure how we’ll indulge his love of phone hacking because we don’t do that at the Squib, but we could get in some fake emails and phone calls for him to listen to in the morning, which he will enjoy with a nice cup of black coffee, no sugar, no cream. Rupert will love to scoot around the Squib’s halls on his wheelchair and everyone knows he looks a bit like Davros. That’s why we’ll deck the halls out with cardboard cutouts of different characters from the Dr Who series and the Leveson Inquiry, so he feels more at home. All in all, Rupert will have a grand time at the Squib offices and his lavatorial throne will be resplendently decorated with faux gold and shit. As for his assistant Rebekah, she can bring her horse along too and a few bent coppers to hand over brown envelopes stuffed with cash to once in awhile,” Sub editor, Al Hertyu, remarked in anticipation of the ‘great one’s’ entrance to the Daily Squib offices.

Ricky Gervais Diagnosed With Incurable Mental Degenerative Disease

The comedian credited with creating the brilliant Office series may be airlifted back to his hometown of Slough, England next week to be with his 90-year-old mother.

Gervais fans noticed something was wrong with the comedian last week at a Hollywood awards ceremony.

“He came on to speak but he just couldn’t get the words out. His face contorted and he started spazzing out with a mong face. You know when you stick your tongue out the other side of your mouth and start making retarded noises,” one of the audience members recalled.

One thing’s for sure, the Golden Globe awards luvvies will all breathe a sigh of relief at being spared another dose of British humour next year.

“I’m certainly glad that bad British guy is outta here. I never liked him and after what he said about me that time, I’ll never forgive him,” actor Tom Cruise said from his Beverly Hills mansion’s closet.