17.7 C
London
Sunday, December 21, 2025
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 659

US Secret Service Say They Learned Everything From Bill Clinton

0

“Bill was a master at this stuff. He went through women like wieners in a hot dog bun. We learned skills that we never even knew existed, and how to keep it all for the most part clandestine, always deny everything, and never fess up,” one agent revealed.

Sure, JFK was no angel, and neither were the rest of the presidents, but Clinton was the one president who took sexual relations with women to new levels never before seen.

The US secret service prides itself on its secrecy and that’s why they’re called the secret service and they are proud of their mentor, Bill Clinton.

“Yeah, if I bang a few prostitutes in Obama’s hotel, I want to keep it secret, that’s why I pay her the full whack so that she don’t blab to the press. If I don’t, that’s when it gets messy. You gotta do a Bill Clinton, even though there are probably no blue dresses involved or impeachment parties waiting to string us up by the goolies. Here, I want to tell you a secret, because, I’m a secret agent dude and I can do that. I love Sarah Palin, she is one hot momma. When I was guarding her, I had to sit down a lot,” another secret agent secretly revealed on his Facebook page.

Primitive Cave Woman Found on Britain’s Got Talent

1

The cave woman even wore a primitive form of boot made from animal skins and performed a dance to the cheering audience. It was only after the show had ended that people realised the significance of the appearance by the cave woman.

“Quite possibly a glacier melted somewhere and she must have popped out and made her way to the BGT stage. I think she was wonderful and I give her a full recommendation for another appearance,” Pierce Moron, one of the judges on the show revealed.

Anthropologists from Cambridge University caught the cave woman afterwards and had to use a tranquilliser dart to put her in a cage.

“This discovery could throw some light on how our ancestors developed hundreds of thousands of years ago. From our initial analysis we estimate this woman to be from the Homo antecessor genus which is an extinct human subspecies dating from 1.2 million to 800,000 years ago. We, of course, need to conduct more research into this amazing discovery,” professor Gerald Bryce, told the BBC.

The cave woman has been named ‘Nora’ by the scientific community who will be studying her.

Octomom Squirts Ink at Local Swimming Pool

0

“I was standing by the side of the pool minding my own business, when the Octomom came over with her 14 kids. She demanded that we all get out of the pool area so she could have fun with her 14 screaming little brats. When people refused to go, that’s when all hell broke loose. She got mad and started squirting us,” John Severino, 21, one of the pool-goers told CBS news.

LAPD officers were quickly on the scene and were squirted with black ink from the Octomom resulting in her immediate arrest.

“She bent over and squirted me in the f*cking eye with her black ink. They should have sterilised that bitch a long time ago,” Alfred Jarry, another La Habra municipal pool attendee revealed.

There are calls for more warnings about the Octomom’s defensive squirting of black ink, because experts say that the ink could cause damage to the eyes.

Naturalists say the Octomom squirts an inky liquid to escape enemies or if severely agitated. The “ink” is a thick brown fluid produced in the Octomom’s body and stored in a special reservoir known as an “ink sac.” When an enemy threatens, Octomom squirts out a dark cloud of ink and quickly retreats behind the protective screen. 

The Octomom was released from custody three hours after being arraigned and will have to attend anger management classes for the next two weeks to try and curb her squirting in public.

England Gripped By Terrible Drought

0

England’s South West and the Midlands have moved into official drought status even though they are all “under 18 feet of rain water”, the Environment Agency said.

The Midlands region covering Nottinghamshire, Leicestershire, Derbyshire, Staffordshire, West Midlands, Warwickshire, Shropshire, Worcestershire, Herefordshire and Gloucestershire are so far under water, that people can’t even find their hosepipes to ban them.

“It’s ridiculous. They told me I can’t use my hosepipe or water my plants, but I can’t actually find my garden anymore under the water and forget about running a bath, that floated away two days ago. This is certainly the wettest drought I’ve ever experienced,” Reginald Mucklestwat, 58, from the village of Twittleberry in Gloucestershire, told the BBC from a boat.

The media frenzy over the hosepipe ban has escalated with drought related news stories popping up all over England’s media every few seconds.

The BBC, ITV and Sky news all sent their reporters to the drought ridden areas wearing scuba diving equipment as more reports of drought were rolled out ad infinitum.

Argentina to Invade UK Sometime Next Week

4

“If we cannot have the Malvinas we must have the UK. I have ordered our invasion forces of twelve ships to sail to Britain and attack them,” Mrs Kirchner told her people during an Argentine television broadcast.

The president of Argentina has been campaigning against the Falkland Islands for the past three years and bad feelings have erupted again with the Argentinian hierarchy, who are determined to give Britain a bloody nose or two with a few invasions.

“This isn’t just about ‘The hand of God’ or some Royal Navy ship we sank thirty years ago, we want to take the big one, Britain itself. I have even heard there is oil somewhere up Northern Britain,” she added.

Prime Minister, David Cameron, today announced the Argentinian invasion plans and is committed to defending the British Isles from this Argentinian threat.

Speaking from Downing Street, he said: “I have ordered a few fishing boats to meet the Argentinian Armada. I’m sure all of this battle stuff will be over by 2.00pm and we can all enjoy a nice cuppa with the full knowledge that the Argies bit the dust again.”

Breivik to Spend Next Twenty Years in Luxury Prison

1

“Anders Breivik shot 77 people in cold blood and he will be honoured for his crime by a socialist government that does not punish criminals but enables them. The message thus being promoted by the Norwegian government is one of tolerance and support for mass murderers. In fact, the Norwegian government is as much a murderer as Breivik is, because the message is out to the world, it is OK to commit mass murder in Norway, it is an open shop, please come over here and continue to do what you are doing,” one of the prosecutors at the case said, before being dismissed from the court.

Norwegian prisons are notoriously luxurious, where inmates languish in clean modern spacious cells, enjoy vast libraries, saunas, sunbeds, have days out in the fields, conjugal visits and can furnish their rooms with anything they want.

Breivik himself has spoken of there being hundreds of people like him, who will stop at nothing to complete their missions of destruction against non-white people across Europe.

“Norwegian prisons are equivalent to staying in a Northern English motel. Some motels don’t even have hot water in their communal bathrooms. It is taken for granted that Norway has the best prisons and Breivik will be revered by the inmates as a celebrity,” another prosecutor said.

Breivik languishing in a Norwegian prison for twenty one years gives him power as a figurehead for the right wing movement, where his defiance and incarceration are seen as a heroic statement by the clinical shooter.

Breivik is a hero amongst Britain’s and Europe’s extreme right. And when he walks out of his luxury prison in twenty years time, he will come out without an ounce of regret for his actions. The lax Norwegian socialist state will ensure Breivik’s grace and dignity.

As 40,000 Norwegians sing songs of peace outside the courthouse where Breivik is being paraded, one can only think of the silent majority in Norway who secretly agree to his doctrines.

Sarkozy Exiled to Saint Helena Island

0

“He will still be allowed to wear his high heels as they do not really constitute much of an aid to escaping the island,” one of his keepers, Bertrand Hortense, told Le Figaro newspaper.

Sarkozy will be detained at the Longwood residence where he will be guarded by a team of two soldiers from the British army.

“He will be well looked after in exile, we have one cook for him, and he can do a spot of gardening if he so wishes. If Sarkozy wants to dictate his memoirs, he can do so to whoever wants to compile them via the internet and maybe sell it as an eBook or something. The former president’s wife, Carla Bruni, has however elected to remain in Paris and will not accompany her husband to the island,” Mr Hortense added.

Mr Sarkozy who lost the 2012 French elections will be remembered for his disastrous tenure in bringing France’s economy to the brink of financial ruin, as well as his dictatorial attitude towards governing.

“Basically he was an arrogant shit who ruined France with his stupid, wasteful policies and ineptitude. No one liked him, and he was a jumped up turd. Allez, go away and stay on your silly little island Sarko. For the good of France, do not come back either,” an angry French voter was quoted as saying on TV.

Fin

Only Four Drivers Survive Bahrain Grand Prix

3

The four surviving drivers, Jenson Button, Jarno Trulli, Rubens Barrichello and Mark Webber – all limped across the finish line and took the chequered flag amongst the haze of burning tires, dead bodies and tear gas.

“I’m very happy to be alive. I was just coming through the first chicane when Schumacher took a tank shell head on splattering him all over the track like a watermelon. Then Barichello caught some shrapnel but I think he got through the burning wreckage. As for the safety car, well, it’s safe to say that it didn’t survive the first lap,” Jensen Button told Sky news.

The Pits were really the pits, as protesters hurled molotov cocktails at the racing crews, the Sauber-Ferrari team were all burned alive as Sergio Perez came in for his stop. He tried in vain to escape the flames but his fuel tank exploded showering the cheering crowds with body parts.

“You try to change the tires in these conditions,” Neil Santino, head technician for the HRT-Cosworth told the BBC from his hospital bed.

In the 13th minute of the race Trulli took some machine-gun fire in his diffuser and he lifted off the circuit at 210 mph landing head down in the gravel pit, luckily the stewards pulled him out before the Bahraini police squads descended on the area.

Hopes of a Ferrari win were wrecked on lap 17 when Felipe Massa was forced to stop after the whole front of his car was blown off by RPG fire resulting in Massa sadly losing both of his legs. He was airlifted to a hospital within an hour.

Despite that, it failed to detract from what team principal Stefano Domenicali described as “a truly awful and fucked up day”.

Formula One racing has now got the task of finding new drivers to replace the ones that were sadly lost during the Bahrain Grand Prix.

Pippa Middleton Involved in Drive-By Mooning

0

“I for one was amazed at the beauty of this woman’s pert bottom being flashed at me from a moving vehicle. She pulled down her dress and mooned us in a drive-by mooning, and frankly it made me salivate,” an awe struck witness told the Daily Mail.

The drive-by mooning took place on Wednesday as the younger sister of the Duchess of Cambridge had just left a lavish party hosted by some of her friends.

Unfortunately for her, the police are seeking to speak with her over the incident, as mooning in public can be dangerous, especially if one has such an attractive derriere as Ms Middleton.

“Ce’st un folie. We want à parler avec Mademoiselle Middleton, she était en possession of a dangereuse weapon, her cul magnifiques. Il est un danger pour le public Français I just saw deux voitures crash ici,” Chief Inspector Jacques Couilles, told French TV.

Obama Reserves His Place on Mount Rushmore

0

The president, who used $8 million of taxpayers money to prepare a proposition to include his head on the famous sculpture mountain, has already hired a sculptor from Italy to complete the job.

The sculptor, Gino DeMatteo, is a master craftsman who was trained in Florence and is famous all over Italy for his amazing sculptures. He is set to be paid an estimated $850,000 for the work which will take approximately 15 months to complete.

Speaking in the White House’s Rose garden yesterday, the president said: “One thing I know is I deserve this sculpture, and it is a huge honour for me. Michelle was telling me last night how much I deserve this, and I should stand up and grab this prize. It has not been easy, you know the vacations, the golf and the spending of trillions of your dollars on my useless socialist pet projects, but I got through it, I fought the urge to save your taxpayers money, you know so that you and your children will be broke for many years to come. Well, I blew the cash folks. It’s all gone. I just could not help myself. Enjoy looking at my sculpture on Mount Rushmore, because I’ll have a huge smile on my motherfuckin’ mouth.”