17.7 C
London
Monday, December 22, 2025
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 654

You Can Take Those GCSEs Off Your CV Now

Robert Reece-Sprogg
-
6
You Can Take Those GCSEs Off Your CV Now

There will be no more newspaper pictures of teens jumping around in fields anymore after receiving their GCSE results, because their ‘qualifications’ do not mean a thing.

“This is a great relief to many because it shows the dumbing down of qualifications has created an altogether dumber youth who think they have qualifications when in reality they certainly do not. You can have all the A grades you want in your GCSEs, you might as well make it all up, because it never meant anything to anyone apart from yourself. You think you’re qualified? There has to be a new approach to education where children are taught something that has a purpose and qualification standard that actually tests people instead of giving them top marks for minimal work. The GCSEs doled out to kids like smarties meant absolutely nothing, and due to the nature of the course work, the majority of teachers would help students pass their courses and enable them to be another pass statistic within the failing education system,” a minister working on the new O level project told the BBC today.

The Liberal Democrats, led by Nick Clegg, have vowed to fight the new O level qualifications.

“We plan to fight this at every step. It is imperative that we have a dumbed down population who are unemployable and illiterate. The O level exams are too hard and people will have to actually work to get them. This will mean that there will be more obvious differences in intelligence, as opposed to GCSEs where the whole populace got A grades, now only a small amount of people would get A grades. That is just not fair,” Mr Clegg said, sobbing into a handkerchief during parliament, yesterday.

Good News For World's Stock Markets

Robert Reece-Sprogg
-
2
Good News For World's Stock Markets

The good news coming from the economy has made the world’s stocks rise to unprecedented levels.

“We are trying to find the good news that caused this massive rise to the upside, and when we do we will tell you all about it,” Dan Shearing, Investment Analyst, at Dean Saunders Investment House in the City told Reuters.

The world’s media have also been excited by the massive increase in stockmarket values across the globe and have been talking up the move.

“Everyday if we talk up the stockmarket maybe we might bring it the f*ck up. You know how we keep talking about good news and the bloody thing spreads around the world and people get f*cking happy again. I find it quite cathartic actually seeing the good news travel around at breakneck speed and the world’s stockmarkets shooting up and up and up. Let’s do this more often. Next one who brings out a bit of bad news is a moron,” chief editor of the Financial Times, Lawrence Banda, said from his London office.

The good news kept coming again and again today, in fact it was relentless and the markets just kept thrusting up and up.

Christianity Experts: “You Missed Him, Jesus Came Back Years Ago”

Robert Reece-Sprogg
-
3
Christianity Experts: “You Missed Him, Jesus Came Back Years Ago”

Millions of Christians were in mourning today as it had been revealed that Jesus came back to earth five years ago, but was so appalled by the current state of the human race he decided to go back to heaven.

“He’s not going to come back anytime soon either because what we have uncovered is proof that the Son of God came here five years ago and people who are looking for his return in the future are going to be sadly disappointed,” reverend Gareth Malarcky, for the Bartholomew Episcopal Baptist Church told local radio stations in Mississippi’s largest city, Jackson.

According to Christian theologians who have studied the data, Christ came back briefly in 2007 but did not like what he saw and left soon after.

Jesus was discovered to be back on earth in 2007, as Julio Hernendez, a Hispanic man from North Ridge California. He was employed as a janitor at a local High School in Doofville, 34 km from Sacramento.

“I remember Jesus, because he always had a white halo above his head at all times. That’s how I knew he was the Son of God. I remember speaking to him near the school pool, and he just kept on walking across the water like it was normal. He was a great janitor. One time, we ran out of light bulbs for the gymnasium, so he got one bulb and made two hundred bulbs out of that single bulb. We didn’t have to order any more for the whole season after that, for sure. What about woodwork class? He helped out one day when the main teacher was not there, and he knocked up a chair in next to no time. It was incredible! I also remember him in the canteen, he would do little tricks like turning water into wine. He actually got in trouble with the principle because a lot of the kids were not of legal drinking age, but because it was Jesus, he said it was ok and would not call the cops. Anyway, one day, Jesus was watching the news, and he said the world sucks. It wasn’t like the good old days in Judea, when he used to chill out in Jerusalem. He said he was thinking of going back home to cloud nine, back to his dad because it was getting all fucked up and tedious over here plus the traffic sucked,” Joel Duncans, a friend and colleague of Jesus’s at Doofville High recalled.

Premature Rapturation

According to witnesses, Jesus rose up to heaven on Tuesday, 23 October 2008 at 3.35 pm.

“Jesus walked out to the playing field out back and said he would be going home now because this place really sucked, and besides he was truly bored of everything, including his followers. He whistled with his two fingers and pointed up to a cloud. A big hand suddenly came out of the clouds and took him up. I could hear angels choruses all around me singing hosannas and shit. The light was so bright that I could not see anything for a second. I heard a deep voice coming from heaven saying ‘good to have you back, son’ and I had a big ol’ tear in my eye,” another witness told members of the theological investigation team.

God’s witness

Jesus was then seen by over fifty people rising up into the sky in the hand of God and disappearing into a big fluffy cloud followed by a clap of lightning.

“It was awesome dude, I saw Jesus going up to heaven. Someone’s going to have to write a new chapter in the Bible,” John Lamo, 17, a student at the High School, revealed.

The Vatican and branches of the Protestant churches will all make official announcements on Thursday about the return of Jesus.

George P Bush Next In Line For Idiots Crown?

Robert Reece-Sprogg
-
0
George P Bush Next In Line For Idiots Crown?

“We had the original Bush, then we had the dumbo Bush, now we got Latino Bush. You can’t make this shit up,” a man from Cervesa Heights, California, said on hearing the news about the new addition to the Republican war machine.

According to democrat political observers, the new George P Bush is the secret weapon that will appeal to the large Hispanic communities all over the United States, and there are fears that his popularity could damage the democrat cause.

“The blacks had Obama, now we got pee wee Bush. He’s a part-Mexican squeaky voice in the dark, he’s gonna appeal to the gringos and us, now that a good mix right there,” Ronaldo Enchilada, a property developer from Santa Monica, California told LA Weekly.

Mr George Prescott Garnica Bush, could one day be president of the United States, completing the Bush dynasty’s home ruin.

“I want to know what else the Bushes got out there to surprise us all with? How about a George Ling Ling Bush, or what about a George Ahmed Abdullah Bush, or what about a George Luigi Guido Bush? I’m sure the Bushes have all the bases covered,” Eduardo Gonzalez Pendejo, a businessman and democrat campaigner from Missouri told CNN.

Little ‘Pee Wee’ Bush, as he is called in political circles, is also set to campaign for the Republicans wearing a sombrero and poncho.

Satirists and comedians all over the world are now begging for George P. Bush to come into office somehow, as Obama has been deemed a humourless script reader who has all but stifled political comedy during his boring tenure as president.

Woman Has Bath With Bath Salts

Robert Reece-Sprogg
-
1
Woman Has Bath With Bath Salts

The woman was said to have enjoyed her bath thoroughly and did not get the urge to snort her bath salts even once.

“This is unprecedented news, are you trying to tell me that this woman actually had a bath with her bath salts? No way!” a man in a local bar told reporters.

All local news networks were immediately on the scene asking the woman how her bath was and whether she planned on taking any more baths like that.

The ‘woman bathing in bath salts’ story could even go national with talk show host, Oprah Winfrey, finding interest in the story.

Another Greek Election Six Weeks Later

Robert Reece-Sprogg
-
3
Another Greek Election Six Weeks Later

“It is true to say that every six weeks we have an election in Greece, where we say that the world economy is being held ransom by a bunch of strutting apes. In reality Greece accounts for a mere 2% of the EU’s GDP, but this is neither here or there, it is a wonderful distraction to what is really going on, like financial f*cking Armegeddon by kicking the can down the road every time,” Alexi Sliltheratis, a Greek political commentator told the Aegean Herald last night.

The Greek farce is an altogether amusing circle of events where one faction is ousted every six weeks, then another is introduced promising great things, then the same people who were first ousted are re-elected. Rinse and repeat, and keep prolonging the misery of ordinary Greeks while you are at it.

Thanks to this ludicrous farce, it is not only the ordinary Greek people who are suffering because Greece is not removed from the Eurozone, but the rest of the world’s economy suffers as well due to the vast increased market volatility.

By the time this is over, your pension should be worth about fifty quid, if you’re lucky, seeing as it is all linked to the stock markets. The longer the madness of a Greek euro is prolonged, the worse the final result will be.

Thanks to the bungling contemptible oafs who claim to be looking after the eurozone, we will all be stuck in this mess until the final chaotic denouement.

See you all in six weeks time, and six weeks after that, and that, and that…

Greeks Will Refuse to Pay Back Money to EU

Robert Reece-Sprogg
-
5
Greeks Will Refuse to Pay Back Money to EU

In less than seven years, Greece spent 600 billion euros loaned to them by the EU, and now that the money is gone and they are told to pay back the money, they are refusing to pay.

“What I want to know is, where did the money go? The population of Greece is just under 19 million people. Every person in Greece should be driving around in a Ferrari or Lamborghini. Something is very wrong here,” Christos Palamputa, a Greek radio DJ in Athens said on his weekly show.

One only has to look at the Athens subway to see how some of the money was spent, with even the cleaners getting 60,000 euros per annum to turn up for three day working weeks and receiving vast pensions when they retire at 45.

What about the massive corruption in government, or the huge pension schemes, or the massive subsidies handed down for empty fields growing nothing? All of this, with only a few people paying tax adds up to an unsustainable mess which is not conducive to a healthy euro currency.

“It is imperative that Greece leaves the euro currency, if the euro is to survive. The Germans will make sure of this. If the austerity party wins, there is no point, because no one pays tax in Greece. If the left wing nutcases win, Greece is out as well. We need to be prepared for a disorderly exit, and massive contagion in Italy, Spain and Portugal. Once the Greeks are chucked out, then the banks in those countries will immediately start transferring all of their euros to German banks, creating a massive vacuum. There will be protracted anarchy within the Greek region as all ATM machines and shops will close indefinitely. The French and German banking system could very well collapse under the strain, and as for the UK, this will trigger an immediate EU referendum where the UK will exit the EU altogether. Because of the industry and banking ties to Europe, this will be a heavy blow for our economy and we will have to find other places to do business with. If things escalate even further, we could have war in the Balkans, possibly with the Greeks trying to attack Turkey and other countries bordering their anarchic mess of a country,” James Arbuthnot Wilkins, Investment banker for Albright Sentinel told the Telegraph today.

Greece was the Goldman Sachs aided Trojan horse that was wheeled into the gates of the EU, and it could very well spell the end of the euro currency once and for all. Should we thank the Greeks for this gift or not?

Police to Advise People What to Say in Phone Calls, Emails, Texts and Social Networks

Robert Reece-Sprogg
-
0
Police to Advise People What to Say in Phone Calls, Emails, Texts and Social Networks

The Metropolitan Police Commissioner has outlined the police’s role in advising what the public should say or think in private phone calls, texts, emails and social networks.

Everyone’s Guilty Now

“You may be surfing the internet, and you will see a message pop up advising you to click on another link instead of the one you were about to click, or you could be talking to a friend, and a voice will suddenly come on telling you how to respond to your friend’s question. These are just some of the little additions to enhance your lives and also to protect you from harm. That’s why we’re doing this, and you, as the taxpayer, will also be ordered to pay £1.9 billion for the privilege of being spied on,” Police Commissioner, Brent Daly, said today at a conference near parliament.

The proposal to give further powers to spy on websites, e-mails and texts, which could cost hundreds of millions of pounds a year, have been dubbed a “snooper’s charter”.

Anything You Do Say May, and Will, Be Given in Evidence

Every aspect of the public’s lives will be analysed and recorded with state of the art computerised systems.

“We’ve already got masses of information about you all already, and this is merely the next step, where we’ll advise you on how to live your lives and act. Your thoughts will be monitored at all times, and remember if you disobey our orders, you could get a little knock on the door one night and never see your home or family again,” the laughing Police Commissioner added, just before being driven away from the conference hall in Westminster.

The UK has the most CCTV surveillance and listening devices per capita in the world.

Lindsay Lohan Found Conscious

Robert Reece-Sprogg
-
0
Lindsay Lohan Found Conscious

According to Hollywood celebrity site TMZ, medical officers arrived at the scene after Lindsay called her production team this morning and complained about being awake.

A private doctor was then called to verify the fact that the actress was conscious.

When a member of hotel staff knocked on her door and she answered it, 911 was called by a member of the production team.

“We couldn’t believe that she was conscious. Like I had to pinch myself, I could have been dreaming or something,” one of Lohan’s assistants told CBS.

When paramedics arrived on the scene, they reportedly determined that the star was ‘ok’ and she should be allowed to get into her normal state of unconsciousness as soon as possible.

I Made It All Up: 'Treasury Boy' Revealed As Bullingdon Runaway

Robert Reece-Sprogg
-
0
I Made It All Up: 'Treasury Boy' Revealed As Bullingdon Runaway

The so-called “Tory Boy” was named today as George Gideon Osborne, a 41-year-old runaway from Oxford University’s Bullingdon club, who was recognised back home after police finally issued a picture of him this week.

The mystery began on May 12 2010, when Mr Osborne, showed up at the Treasury building in London. Speaking English , he gave his name only as “George” and his date of birth as 23 May 1971.

The man was unable, or refused, to give his family name, birthplace or any other biographical information but since then he has spent the last two years living in a flat in Downing Street and pretending to know things about Britain’s economy.

George told police he had buried the real Chancellor of the Exchequer “in a hole in the forest underneath some stones” but, after “walking north for five days” to London, could not explain how he had died or where authorities could find his body. No body has ever been found.

Officials at the Treasury are said to be angry that Mr Osborne fooled them for so long.

“We’ve seen the receipts and the economy is going down the kazi. We knew something was wrong yesterday, when George said there was a Plan B and presented it. Oh dear, we’re all fucked aren’t we?” one of the Treasury staff told the Daily Mail.

But the Bullingdon boy could end up paying dearly for his prank. “He deliberately took us for fools and he could be liable for the costs,” another nervous Treasury official said, sweating profusely into his cup of tea.

1...653654655...799Page 654 of 799
squib footer 270

Breaking News

Copyright © Daily Squib 2024.

The Daily Squib is a curious satirical parody newspaper offering breaking news, political satire, comedy, investigative journalism, opinion and celebrity news.