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Obamacare: Half of South America Happy About Supreme Court Ruling

Douglas Rawlinson
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Obamacare: Half of South America Happy About Supreme Court Ruling

“We happy! Not only do we get amnesty as illegal aliens but we also get healthcare guaranteed. We got whole villages waiting to come over. Thank you Obama. We finally get the healthcare the gringos get,” Manuel Escondo, 54, a Mexican man who arrived illegally over the border crossing in Arizona yesterday, told Fox news.

All over South America, from Mexico to Peru, some of the poorest people in the world have been given a lifeline.

Healthcare is something that most South Americans have never had, and now with a much publicised amnesty on illegal immigrants in the US, the influx of poor people looking for better lives in North America will increase by approximately 4500% per annum according to US Immigration statistical projections .

Border patrol units have already seen a huge increase in people crossing over the border.

“We now have an open door policy here under Obama, and with the healthcare ruling, it is going to be hard to keep people out. Everyone and their uncle is going to want to come over. Look what happened in Britain. They have free healthcare for all, free housing for all and porous borders with no controls. That’s why half the Third World is over there in that tiny island right now tearing up the asshole of the UK. You try and get treatment in their crowded overrun hospitals now? They don’t have the resources to cope as well as overworked staff and limited equipment. We’re a big country you say! Yeah, but the US does not have unlimited resources either. Sooner or later we’re going to get full up too,” Joel Esterhausen, a border guard in Arizona told a local radio station.

Bank Caught Fiddling Interest Rates

Douglas Rawlinson
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Bank Caught Fiddling Interest Rates

“This is incredible, I would never have guessed such a thing would happen. You mean a bank has been caught manipulating interest rates to make huge profits. No! You don’t say?” a surprised bank customer told the BBC.

Do bears defecate in the woods and is the Pope Catholic?

“That’s almost as ridiculous as someone telling you a bank bailout was going to go to small businesses and companies, as opposed to £6.5 million Notting Hill properties,” another banking customer laughed

Naturally, the British people will simply bend over the table next time too. Nothing changes it seems.

Gordon Brown 'Bath Salts' Rampage in Fife

Douglas Rawlinson
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0
Gordon Brown 'Bath Salts' Rampage in Fife

Gordon Brown was seen on a ‘bath salt’ induced rage as he ran through the streets tearing and gnashing his teeth at everything he could find.

“We usually get him in the streets having animated conversations with street lamps and benches, so to see him running around like a mad dog was no real surprise,” an eyewitness, Duncan Banadime, 43, told BBC Scotland.

Since Mr Brown was ousted as PM he has gone down hill fast and is now a fully fledged alcoholic and drug addict.

“Mrs Brown threw him out a year ago, she couldn’t take the fax machine throwing or the shoving. When he started drinking her perfume, I think that must have been the last straw,” Hugh Banner, an old colleague of Mr Brown recalled.

The Dunfermline rampage was eventually halted by teams of sixty police officers who managed to hold the former PM and put him in the back of a police van.

Jimmy Carr to Present New Reality Show ‘Jersey Off-Shore’

Douglas Rawlinson
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0
Jimmy Carr to Present New Reality Show ‘Jersey Off-Shore’

“The basic premise of the new reality show series that Jimmy will be presenting is one of taking loads of cash from people in the UK mainland, then stashing it all in a place somewhere on the island of Jersey. Naturally, the person who is not caught by the tax man wins the reality show,” series producer for Endemol, Robert Anus, told the Sun.

Mr Carr will not only star in the show but present it as well.

“It will be me and a number of celebrities, including the tax cheats from boy band Take That on the island with our loot. I’ve got so much money that I will be pulling all my cash behind my Aston Martin Vantage which will be pulling a large truck carriage. I hope there are no large gusts of wind so that I lose a bit of the money, I don’t think I could live with that. I’ve even enrolled my dad to come along, the vile shit, he can pick up the pennies if they fall off the carriage,” Jimmy Carr said from his Oxfordshire mansion, worth £9.8 million.

Prime minister, David Cameron said that he would be looking forward to watching Carr in the new reality show, and it would give him more pleasure when he plants even more tax inspectors onto the ‘cu*t’.

Home Surgery DIY Tips During NHS Doctors' Strike

Douglas Rawlinson
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0
Home Surgery DIY Tips During NHS Doctors' Strike

You’re in deep trouble, the blood’s pouring out, what do you do? Well, going to hospital is out, so get ready to go to the kitchen table for some DIY NHS surgery.

First things first, anaesthetic. You will need that if you’re going to be doing some deep invasive surgery on the body. You will probably need some spirits, whiskey, gin, vodka, mouth wash. Either that, or a good punch to the head will act as a good anaesthetic.

If the blood is shooting out in all directions try to get a towel and wrap it around the wound. If that does not work, you need to just direct the squirting jets into a bucket and hope that you can shovel it back into your body at a later date.

If you have acute appendicitis, try to douse the area with alcohol before you make the first incision. Remember not to smoke while doing that. If possible, wear some kitchen gloves and use a sharpish knife. Bluntness will just make the procedure even more painful.

Brain surgery with a cordless drill can be extremely dangerous, so only attempt it with an adult present, or someone who knows what they’re f*cking well doing.

For broken legs you will need a splint, so get a chair, smash it on the floor and use the wood as a splint with some ripped up shirts or a piece of rope to hold the wood together.

Anything else, just take two aspirin, go to bed and you should feel better in the morning.

Penn State University Honoured By Pope

Douglas Rawlinson
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Penn State University Honoured By Pope

Speaking from the Vatican, the Pope spoke of his pride, and praised Penn State University: “Just like the Catholic church they have handled the inevitable situations that always crop up with our two institutions. We have to say that their secrecy levels were almost as good as the Catholic church’s in hiding the mass paedophilia and buggery that is prevalent in both of our institutions. We did it all in the name of god and they did it all in the name of American football, that was the only difference, otherwise it was business as usual.”

Ex Penn State coach, Jerry Sandusky, was personally praised by the Pope even though he was taken to jail and imprisoned for life yesterday on multiple charges of child sex abuse.

“We want to make Mr Sandusky an honorary member of the Catholic priesthood for his role in teaching young boys on how to play ball, or should that be, balls? Once he gets out of prison, he will always have a place in the church,” the Pope said addressing a Vatican TV crew for a message to be broadcast tomorrow.

England Win Euro Cup

Douglas Rawlinson
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England Win Euro Cup

Holding up the trophy, Ashley Cole kissed the euro cup as the team and thousands of cheering England fans looked on.

“This is a historic day for England. When I took that winning penalty I thought about Cheryl Cole and how I had truly scored with her as well. It put everything into perspective. I was not going to throw away this opportunity. There I was scoring for England. I am a true winner,” striker, Ashley Cole told the Sun.

All over England, crowds were cheering and thousands of revellers held street parties from Lands End to John O’Groats.

The England team is notorious for losing games on penalties and hopefully this tournament winning performance will seal England’s football superiority in International football.

Scientists 'Hacking' into Brain of Britney Spears

Douglas Rawlinson
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1
Scientists 'Hacking' into Brain of Britney Spears

“We are searching for brain activity. It is quite hard to do with this subject. Britney’s eyes keep rolling back and she has a wild look in her eye. Scared the shit out of me yesterday,” professor Ernest B. Saunders, at Stanford revealed.

The pop singer, who has an IQ of 47, currently uses hand gestures and grunts to communicate.

“We’d like to find a way to bypass her body, pretty much hack her brain,” said Prof Saunders.

Researchers will unveil their latest results at a conference in Cambridge next month, and may demonstrate the technology on Spears or even British glamour model, Katie Price.

“We could have the dumbfuck Spears on one side and that bloated fake football titted orange moron Price on the other side of the room. We can link their brainwaves together and see if they can communicate with each other. I propose on leaving them in a room like that for the next thirty years,” Professor Saunders told New Scientist magazine.

Eurozone Contagion: Germans Now Getting Lazy

Douglas Rawlinson
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“We’re getting lazy like the Greeks. Yesterday I couldn’t even be bothered to get out of bed let alone run my super efficient car manufacturing business,” Karl Meinoff, a car factory owner from Dusseldorf told Bild magazine.

Germans used to be known as super efficient workers with vast reserves of energy and intelligence, unfortunately since joining the Euro, they are now getting lazier, and some say stupider.

“I was cooking dinner yesterday, usually wiener and apple strudel when I had the sudden urge to make a kebab and some souvlaki. I then sat around the table drinking ouzo all night talking about how terrible it is to pay tax. You can guess what my boss said to me when I went into work mid afternoon the next day with a terrible hangover, he said I looked like a Greek and he docked my pay for the month,” a distraught worker told local radio station, RTF3.

All over Germany, production has slumped as workers do not feel the need to work anymore. Moral amongst the workforce is very low.

“Our Southern European friends live the easy life, they swim, drink, laze in the sun, and eat good food. They retire at 45 on full pensions, whereas we have to work till 67 to get a pension. They work three day weeks while we have to work sometimes six or seven days a week. Why should we do that when they get the same money as us or even more? I just told my boss I want a two week holiday, the first in five years, and he told me to get lost,” Gunther Heizel, an office worker from Berlin told a local news outlet.

Youngsters Reenact Battle of the Somme

Douglas Rawlinson
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0
Youngsters Reenact Battle of the Somme

“We must never forget the Somme, the muddy grave of so many who died in vain in 1916. On both sides, Allied and German, they will remain in history as victims of one of the most awful conflicts ever fought. No one won the Battle of the Somme, everyone was a loser. Whole towns and villages were wiped out because the British garrisons enlisted all from the same areas. 146,000 Allied soldiers died in the Battle of the Somme. It was a terrible tragedy and should never be repeated in reality. This is why we are doing the battle reenactment today, to show even a fraction of what it was like for those young men to fight and die in such tragic circumstances. To show the horror that those men had to endure in their short lives,” Elliot Mandlebrant, 21, one of the organisers for the battle reenactment told the Sun newspaper.

The trenches have already been built and revellers who have travelled to the field where the Somme will be recreated have prepared themselves for the mud and cold.

“I think it will be an experience. I will never know the utter fear of being ordered to go over the top knowing full well that the German machine guns will cut me and my fellow soldiers down like blades of grass, but to experience the mud will be a small fraction of what those soldiers had to go through,” Sally Tunstable, a student at Durham University told the Times.

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