You’re in deep trouble, the blood’s pouring out, what do you do? Well, going to hospital is out, so get ready to go to the kitchen table for some DIY NHS surgery.
First things first, anaesthetic. You will need that if you’re going to be doing some deep invasive surgery on the body. You will probably need some spirits, whiskey, gin, vodka, mouth wash. Either that, or a good punch to the head will act as a good anaesthetic.
If the blood is shooting out in all directions try to get a towel and wrap it around the wound. If that does not work, you need to just direct the squirting jets into a bucket and hope that you can shovel it back into your body at a later date.
If you have acute appendicitis, try to douse the area with alcohol before you make the first incision. Remember not to smoke while doing that. If possible, wear some kitchen gloves and use a sharpish knife. Bluntness will just make the procedure even more painful.
Brain surgery with a cordless drill can be extremely dangerous, so only attempt it with an adult present, or someone who knows what they’re f*cking well doing.
For broken legs you will need a splint, so get a chair, smash it on the floor and use the wood as a splint with some ripped up shirts or a piece of rope to hold the wood together.
Anything else, just take two aspirin, go to bed and you should feel better in the morning.