17.7 C
London
Sunday, April 21, 2024
secret satire society
HomeHealthHome Surgery DIY Tips During NHS Doctors' Strike

Home Surgery DIY Tips During NHS Doctors' Strike

LONDON - England - During the doctors' strike, you may need urgent surgery or treatment for certain ailments. The Daily Squib would like to give both of our two readers some important tips that could save their lives in an emergency.

You’re in deep trouble, the blood’s pouring out, what do you do? Well, going to hospital is out, so get ready to go to the kitchen table for some DIY NHS surgery.

First things first, anaesthetic. You will need that if you’re going to be doing some deep invasive surgery on the body. You will probably need some spirits, whiskey, gin, vodka, mouth wash. Either that, or a good punch to the head will act as a good anaesthetic.

If the blood is shooting out in all directions try to get a towel and wrap it around the wound. If that does not work, you need to just direct the squirting jets into a bucket and hope that you can shovel it back into your body at a later date.

If you have acute appendicitis, try to douse the area with alcohol before you make the first incision. Remember not to smoke while doing that. If possible, wear some kitchen gloves and use a sharpish knife. Bluntness will just make the procedure even more painful.

Brain surgery with a cordless drill can be extremely dangerous, so only attempt it with an adult present, or someone who knows what they’re f*cking well doing.

For broken legs you will need a splint, so get a chair, smash it on the floor and use the wood as a splint with some ripped up shirts or a piece of rope to hold the wood together.

Anything else, just take two aspirin, go to bed and you should feel better in the morning.

  Daily Squib Book

  DAILY SQUIB BOOK The Perfect Gift or can also be used as a doorstop. Grab a piece of internet political satire history encapsulating 15 years of satirical works. The Daily Squib Anthology REVIEWS: "The author sweats satire from every pore" | "Overall, I was surprised at the wit and inventedness of the Daily Squib Compendium. It's funny, laugh out loud funny" | "Would definitely recommend 10/10" | "This anthology serves up the choicest cuts from a 15-year reign at the top table of Internet lampoonery" | "Every time I pick it up I see something different which is a rarity in any book"
- Advertisment -

NEWS ON THE HOUR

curtis-press
curtis-press
curtis-press
curtis-press

MORE NEWS

THE DAILY SQUIB ANTHOLOGY

The definitive book of Juvenalian satire and uncanny prophesies that somehow came true. This is an anthology encompassing 15 years of Squib satire on the internet compiled and compressed into one tiddly book. Buy the Book Now!

Translate »