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How Animals Travelled From Antarctica, Africa, South America and Australia to Get to Noah’s Ark in Middle East

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“Thanks to Noah we have all the animals, insects and birds inhabiting the earth today. If it wasn’t for species like the Flightless Cormorant travelling thousands of miles from as far as the Galápagos Islands, kangaroos from Australia, Polar Bears from Antarctica, as well as the Dodo from Mauritius, we would not have the amazing diversity of animals we have on our planet today,” a Christian archivist, Reverend Arnold Stirrup, told the BBC in a new documentary to be aired in February comprehensively reveals.

According to the biblical research carried out by the dedicated team, even though Noah was situated somewhere in the Middle East he managed to collect every species of animal on earth, from South America to Papua New Guinea to the North Pole, South East Asia, and deepest Africa.

“We all know the bible was inspired directly from god, although he didn’t somehow know that America or Australia existed because the known world in those days was simply a small area around the Mediterranean Sea. It’s kind of funny that neither the son of god (Jesus) or god himself knew that America existed, or that Australia existed considering they are all seeing universal entities, but the total flood woke Noah up and god told him to build a really big boat for all the animals. God said to put every animal and bug, including mosquitoes and stick insects, polar bears, penguins, North American yaks, moose, sloths and kangaroos into the ark. God then told Noah he wanted six pairs of each animal, with two pairs for the creepy crawlies. The animals were really grateful to Noah and behaved themselves in the boat. It did get a little choppy at times, especially when the flood waters got rough. As for the food for each animal, well, Noah got each species of animal and insect its own food supply. He somehow managed to get bamboo leaves from China for the pandas, and he built a separate feeding trough for each animal and insect, even taking time to name them, so the animals would not get confused and eat the wrong food by accident. As for the smell, you can imagine every species of animal doing their business on the floor, luckily there was a lot of straw in the ark and Noah would be sweeping and sweeping all day and all night. It was hard work for Noah, but he was doing god’s work, or was it Hollywood’s work? Ah, never mind…”

The documentary also reveals how animals crossed the Atlantic and Pacific oceans in a matter of days to reach the Middle East, so they could go on Noah’s ark so that they could be saved. It also details how Noah may have had trouble with the woodpeckers and woodworm in the boat.

All will be revealed once you watch the special Noah’s ark documentary on February 23 on BBC 6.

Kanye West IQ Registered at 48 Say Doctors

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Kanye West was showing off his Christmas present his new wife, Kim Kardashian got him at a recent end of tour photo shoot.

“Kim ya know, she got me sum shit kinda ya know, she tol’ me get ma IQ check. I say wha? Danna whatdafuq dat shit is niggas. Mabe fo’ people wit connections ya na white folk and Jooz. Ya nam sayin’ ‘n’ shit, ya nam sayin? I got to da head doc in Hollywood n sum shit, n he aks me ta sit at a desk n shit, ya num sayin? Ya na wit a pencil n shit. Da nigga wuz crazy n shit, he say I gotta write on a piece of paper n shit? I say wha muffugga you crazy n shit, ya num sayin? Anyways cut a short story long n shit, or was dat da other way roun’ n shit? I gotta ‘F’ inda test n shit. I said nigga I can buy yo whole office n shit ya num sayin’, I got Hermes bags comin’ outta ma azz n shit, num sayin? Yeezus fukkin christ nigga, I made you n shit. You betta sho me sum respec n shit. So I slammed his head inda desk n tol da bitch take his own test n shit,” Kanye West told some reporters.

After completing the IQ test Mr West was escorted out of the office on a faux gold plated wheelchair.

Gordon Brown Praises Obama For Being Just Like Him

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Former UK prime minister, Gordon Brown has praised president Barack Obama for doing the exact things he did when he was in power — turn everything into shit.

Speaking in Washington D.C the former PM was on a visit to America’s capital to visit his compatriot but was then told Obama was still in Hawaii on holiday.

“I am sorry to have missed my little friend Obama. He is America’s Gordon Brown. I taught him everything he knows about the reverse Midas touch. As you all know everything I touched turned to shit and I took Britain to the very edge of an abyss. So too is my protégé Barry Obarmy, taking America to the precipice with his crazy little socialist projects and what not. Anyway Obama I left you’se a wee lil haggis in the White House so you can enjoy it with your wife and children when you all come back. You must be having a great time in Hawaii, I hope you’re spending as much taxpayer money as you can. Oh reminds me of the good old days. Ah, memories, like a festering turd ambling down the side of a toilet bowl. Enjoy!”

Pussy Riot Girls Free to Pussy Riot Once Again

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The Pussy Rioters were freed a few hours ago and have vowed to continue Pussy Rioting in the new year.

“We are ever so pleased to have been released from our prison cells. As a Pussy Rioter we on occasion even thought about indulging in a bit of Pussy Prison Riot fun but we didn’t want our sentences extended. It ain’t worth the trouble,” one of the Pussy Riot girls said.

They have returned to the capital Moscow, where they continue to Pussy Riot with vigour.

Both Nadezhda Tolokonnikova and Masha Alyokhina, immediately donned their special Pussy Riot costumes once released from their jail cells and made their way to Red Square for a Pussy Riot Party.

It was only a few years ago when the London Daily Squib office was deliciously invaded by the British Pussy Riot contingent.

Nadezhda told waiting reporters that she was still dedicated to the art of Pussy Rioting even though the prison guards tried to beat the Pussy Riot out of her during her harrowing jail time.

Experts: Snowden Has Not Achieved Anything

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A panel of experts for an unknown agency somewhere have revealed their judgement on the errant ex-NSA operative, Edward Snowden.

“His actions may be thought of as honourable in his own mind, but that’s it. What has he achieved? Nothing. The simple fact of the matter is that he made public something that some already knew. As if anyone who gives every detail of their lives away on social networks or uses a smartphone would think for one second that they are not being monitored by worldwide agencies? These social networks were set up for that very reason and assisted by government. People are still giving all their private information away on social networks like Facebook and through all other digital avenues even after the Snowden affair, therefore nothing has changed and it won’t. The public forgets, they are too far gone and addicted to their little toys given to them to play with,” the damning report revealed.

What Snowden revealed in 2013, the Daily Squib knew in 2010.

Things would have maybe changed a little if Snowden had dared to reveal information about who really committed 911, but even then the public is so paralysed and crippled, they would accept it and simply carry on in their social network stupor.

One thing that Edward Snowden failed to realise is that there is very little that can awaken the people any more. This is why they are now in a prison virtually and in reality.

Japan Sharpening the Katana Once Again?

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Since World War II the Japanese have had their true warrior spirit stifled by the Americans. Could this be the time the Japanese samurai spirit of Bushido is coming back?

“I can see Toshiro Mifune sharpening his katana as he goes over another hill in the windswept country which was so horribly subjugated by the Americans post World War II. The Japanese were weakened and had their military forces watered down to placate their American overlords, but now as China bares its teeth at Japan, is the land of the rising sun ready to fight? Have they forgotten the art of war? Can such a small island bring back their military power once again? The taiko may once again beat from one of the most fearsome warriors anyone has met, a brutal army who crushed all in their path ruthlessly,” Jon Winchester, a military analyst revealed in this month’s edition of Jane’s Defence.

Article 9 of the Japanese Constitution must be ripped up or amended immediately if Japan is to survive. America is now a weak nation and has no say in world affairs any more. Japan must defend itself or die.

Tora, Tora, Tora!

How Brits Have Evolved Over the Centuries

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Britons have come a long way since William Hogarth’s day, or have they?

“One thing’s for sure these Brits sure know how to have a bloody good time. I like to come here every year to enjoy Christmas,” an American tourist said before having a load of warm gooey vomit launched over his back and the side of his laughing face.

 

brits evolved

Shoppers Told They Can Refuse to Shop at M&S

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Shoppers have told Marks & Spencer staff that they can refuse to shop at their stores.

The new non-shopping policy was revealed after customers who were trying to buy alcohol from a Muslim shop assistant in London were told they’d have to use another till.

“I think we have a right to not shop at a supermarket where we can’t buy what we want,” Annie Twaddle, a devout alcoholic and bacon sarnie lover told the Sun.

UPDATE: Naturally there was a massive u-turn from M&S and everything is back to normal again.

Why Saying Goodbye to NHS, Free Schools and Benefits Could be Easier Than You Think

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Unless you’ve been living in cloud cuckoo land you may have noticed the little fact that 85% of the population of Eastern Europe and portions of the Third World have moved to the UK. Now there’s nothing wrong with these people, they just want something better for themselves and their large extended families because they live in some of the poorest countries in the world. It’s just that there isn’t much space or resources left to give them their benefits and work if they want it.

It’s not all bad, well it is kind of but never mind. It’s always good to look on the bright side of life as Mr Idle once said. That’s the British spirit, however shit life can get, just get on with it.

Next time you need an ambulance, if it doesn’t turn up in 16 hours you’ll realise that there may be a reason for that. How about NHS wards and emergency centres so full of people that no one can move let alone be treated?

What about the UK’s state schools, so crowded that your child will be lucky to get one teacher in a class of 200? Lest we forget the additional problem of the limited teachers trying to communicate with the bemused kids who can’t speak a word of English. Surely, you may realise that your child won’t get taught much in that mess.

As for the benefits system, that’s something that may cause some anger when it goes. There are millions of indigenous benefits recipients in the UK. Some people genuinely need them, some people are habitual users like benefits breeders and most believe that getting benefits and free housing is their British right. Well, there will come a day very soon when benefits will be cut to a very low rate, so low in fact that it won’t be as enticing for the long term users or anyone really. The reason for this is, it’s all about the pot of money. You know, taxpayers money. Your benefits come from a group of people, but if the group of people receiving benefits is too large, that means the pot of money dwindles. It’s simply a supply and demand problem that can only be solved by reducing the amount given to each recipient of benefits.

Saying goodbye to Britain’s welfare system need not be hard. You just need to accept that this is what happens when limited resources are used up by a massive influx of new people into the country. Deal with it. Stiff upper lip chaps.

New ‘Ducky Dynasty’ Show Coming After Phil Robertson Gay Re-Education

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The new Ducky Dynasty show will be aired in January on the GLAAD owned network A&E (Ass&Elbow).

“We’re really excited for Phyllis, oh sorry we mean Phil, he’s such a darling, he has even brought his own poodle with him and will be educating audiences on the benefits of anal sex for men,” A&E producer Andre Lamont told Entertainment Weekly.

The reality show star was forced to enter an Obamacare Re-Education Center in Los Angeles last week after he dared point out the fact that straight men do not like having sexual intercourse with other men’s anuses and prefer the female vagina.

“It is illegal in the United States to prefer a woman’s vagina over a man’s anus. This was atrocious behaviour and to even talk about it in a magazine contravenes free speech. That’s why we shut the man’s show down and ordered him to be gayer for the Obama nation we are under right now,” an A&E spokesman, Lamar Durtbutte told CNN.

Phil Robertson, had a few words to say about his new look: “I would like to say to my fans of the show, er…I’m a rehabilitated person, I am sorry I said those things, you know about men preferring women’s parts to some guy’s hairy smelly butt hole. I used to think that the butt was biologically designed for only pooing out of, but now I know that was wrong. You know after my time at the Obamacare re-education camp, I was whipped into submission by a Catholic priest, especially after they said they would take away all my money. I had to do what I had to do. Now bend over Binky, I gotta present for you and it ain’t a marshmallow.”

The new Ducky Dynasty format will be held in a beauty parlour where the boys will talk about the latest fashions in cammo, they will be giving some GLAAD activists and Obama voters styling tips on how to oil and perfume your beard whilst out ducky hunting in bars and show audiences how to dress right when going to saunas. Filmed in San Francisco, Ducky Dynasty has been a huge ratings hit in the city and the mayor is even planning putting up a rainbow coloured statue of the boys bending over and looking over their shoulders in anticipation.