17.7 C
London
Friday, December 26, 2025
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 582

Daily Squib Predicted Correctly in 2012 EU Wanted Own Army

1

As the EU reveals it’s plan to build up its own military army and Air Force , this is the next step for the Soviet European Union, and was accurately predicted by the Daily Squib in March 2012.

“The Daily Squib’s brand of satire can have accurate predictive qualities because we aim to foresee the underlying method in any given situation. What we write at the Squib can be dark at times but our modus operandi is one of truth through satire. We see things in the future, and sometimes those things are not pretty but nevertheless we have a team of writers here who specialise in writing quality satire. That’s why if you read the Squib, you are infinitely more informed,” sub sub editor, Johnson D. Wildebeest said from his office.

Martin Schulz, the speaker of the European Parliament called for the creation of a European army at a recent summit where even British PM David Cameron was allowed to attend. Britain’s prime minister even rustled up some courage to voice his disapproval of an integrated EU military armed force.

Cameron Mission Accomplished Afghanistan

0

The prime minister met forces stationed at Camp Bastion in Helmand, a year before the last British combat forces are due to leave the country.

He said “Throughout our time in this godforsaken hole our troops have helped countless civilians leave life permanently. We have tested our weapons on the civilians and those who try to protect their own territory from the invasion of their own country.” The prime minister then added that the troops could come home with their heads held high.

Mission Accomplished Afghanistan

Prime minister David Cameron celebrated the announcement with an impromptu tour of the vast poppy fields surrounding the camp.

Military experts said UK troops had been broadly successful in fulfilling their central objectives of increasing military spending, testing weapons systems on the Untermenschen and perfecting military strategies in difficult terrain.

“This is a glorious day for Britain, we are victorious. We have achieved great things in Afghanistan. I’m going to name one good thing we have done for them. Er…”

German Finds Perfect Way to Foil NSA Spies

0

There’s something really special about the Germanic mindset, especially when it comes to engineering and cars. It’s a passion that has been honed to technical perfection, and some guy called Boba has found a great way to put this gift to good use and avoid the Stasi stare of the NSA with a little jalopy he put together in his spare time.

Coming in at a mere 1,150 bhp this 1987 Golf Mk2 would make Jeremy Clarkson’s arse fall out of his gawping mouth when it accelerates to 240km/hr in 3.2 seconds, and this is why Frau Merkel has ordered Boba to build a fleet of these things in the interests of German phone privacy.

“Angela saw my video and was immediately on the phone to me. She said she wanted one of these cars to drive around in when making important calls. This way the NSA won’t be able to get a fix on her signal. Absolute genius idea, and of course for national security, how could I refuse,” Boba said from his lock up garage in Munich.

Somehow, texting while driving this monster around may be a serious, no, no.

317 Million Americans Controlled by 100 Senators, 435 Congressmen, One President and Nine Supreme Court Justices

0

“That is quite a ratio, we’re talking 545:317,000,000 and the level of control those 545 people have on the population is incredible. Naturally, I’m discounting all the officers under those 545 individuals but if every single one of the population awoke at the same time, things could get hairy on Capitol Hill,” someone on a radio show in the Midwest said today.

The right to bear arms is enshrined in the constitution of the United States, therefore in theory every person in America could technically own a gun.

“The United States has 317 million people who can all bear arms. That’s all that needs to be said. If we’re living in a tyrannical prison right now, and things are only going to get worse, what should we do?” another caller asked.

As president Obama prepares to go on another $4 million Hawaiian vacation, many Americans are living from pay cheque to pay cheque. They can’t even afford Christmas presents or food for their children let alone Obamacare.

“You need to wake up. You need to stop for one second and step back. You need to get some idea of what direction you should be going in. The job of politicians is to give you only two choices to any situation then steer you towards the one they have prepared. In reality there are hundreds of choices. Get out of the f*cking box, because the model of reality they are showing you is a lie. It does not exist, and it is created by them to control you. Step back and look at the big picture,” Edwin Robes, a janitor at some High School said on another radio show before being arrested and detained indefinitely.

And still like deer in the headlights they stand waiting to be mowed down.

How Robots Will Make Your Job Redundant in Less than 10 Years

2

It does not matter if you’re a professional or fast food worker or member of the armed forces. It does not matter if you’re an accountant or bin man or you work in a supermarket. Your job will be replaced as artificial intelligent robots are increasing their efficiency at an exponential rate that will soon supersede human intelligence.

Bank workers, retail staff, train drivers, taxi drivers, pilots, teachers, nurses and any type of administrative office work, accountancy, managers, call centres, sales, and manual work will be replaced by robots.

The human police today only have a few years left, because they will be replaced as will most of the military by surveillance enforcing and fighting highly intelligent autonomous robotic mechanised defence systems or integrated biological humans.

There will be no real need for politicians or parliament and they will be replaced by a global central administrative system that will manage things in a much more efficient peaceful way.

All of the retail sector will be robotic, that is if there is a retail sector in the post consumerist era.

Of course, these changes will not occur over night but there will be gradual change, because naturally it would be a shock to humans to lose their livelihood to robots. Gradual change can be eased in through medical technology, showing biological humans that new technology can cure genetic diseases and fix body defects. Celebrity endorsements are also a method to make new technology seem cool. With large swathes of the human population needing assistance in old age, robots will be their primary carers. This is already being addressed in Japan today.

There should be no animosity towards the corporate and central global governmental takeover by robots. They will be invariably more efficient, infinitely more intelligent and do not need breaks, pensions, health care or salaries like messy humans do.

“Unfortunately, looking after a human population is messy and needlessly costly. The problem is accentuated as human populations grow. Everything about them is too time intensive and costly and they create vast amounts of waste polluting the planet. They have to be entertained, they have to be fed en masse, they have to have salaries, they have to be given encouragement to be tax slaves, and there is always a threat of strike, political upheaval or sickness. With artificial intelligence millions of times more efficient than the human brain, there is no messy, costly human to maintain,” a company spokesman for a robotics firm in Silicon Valley revealed.

The long term effect of a mechanised technological global society will invariably enable humans who are willing to merge with the machines to do so. This will be achieved through human implants which will enable the slow inferior biological brain to be on some kind of level to the infinitely superior machines. Nanotechnology will also enable life extension for the humans who embrace and can afford the technological era, but those who do not embrace it will be left behind deemed obsolete.

“The new human who will be enhanced, will have no common ground with the purely biological human. It will be hard to comprehend or even understand them, it will be equivalent to a human now talking to a cow. Such will be the intelligent superiority of the new race that the purely biological will be left behind in the dust. It may be their choice ultimately, and so be it. As the technological will completely understand every facet of the biological, there will be no need for the latter. Fully immersive virtual worlds and mind transfers will ensure the continued transference of the new humans to whichever form they want,” a transhumanist professor at a leading British university revealed.

There may be a backlash from some of the former biological humans to the technological society that will come into fruition soon, but there will be nothing they can do against the vastly superior weaponry, intelligence and nanotechnology that they will be up against.

Enlightened

You cannot fight something that is so far superior in intelligence that your mind cannot even comprehend its magnificence. Something that can create whole universes and replicate itself infinitely is invincible to any human resistance.

On the battlefield, President Obama is utilising killer drones today in 2013. These have no feelings, they have no emotion. At the moment they are controlled by a human but in the very near future they will be killing humans on the battlefield autonomously. As for other battlefield robots, DARPA are creating the EATR robot, which feeds on biomass. In other words it does not need a battery, and can sustain itself on human flesh or plants. You can imagine these things roaming around in packs of thousands with fierce looking faces looking for stragglers to chomp on. How about the Cheetah which can run at a sustained rate over any terrain at over 28 mph? Or what about the MAVs that will be deployed wherever they are needed? Maybe it’s a sick joke from some faceless elite financier, but these are real projects and they have the funding to continue their progress until they perfect their mission.

Invariably, many who read this will not believe such a scenario can ever come into fruition. Only time will tell, and by then it will be too late. For many, it is best to stay asleep and to not think of such things.

Free Funny Money in Stock Market Over

0

Get ready to short or sell everything you have in the stock market because the days of free money are over as the Federal Reserve gets ready to stop printing billions of dollars every month.

Since 2008 the US and UK have been printing money for banking institutions and financiers who have made amazing gains but the fake economic resurgence hailed by the media was not handled cleverly enough, and some people are seeing through the smoke and mirrors.

“Of course none of the printed money filtered down to any of the ordinary people. The false economic rise is an illusion created for the masses. The world is technically still in recession and never got out of it. The only people who made any money are the banking institutions. When they taper the QE, it’s going to be like 1929 x 1000. Take a gander at the Dow chart today and overlay it over the Great Crash of 1929 chart and you will see a remarkable similarity, so my advice is start dumping now folks. This artificially created rally could never last,” Bill Steinwick, an analyst at Merrill Lynch told the Financial Times.

5 Ways to Avoid Having a Kim Jong-Un Christmas

0

Purging your family of annoying family members a la Kim Jong-Un can be tempting to millions of people at Christmas, our resident psychology expert, Dr. Mary Teufel has come up with five handy tips to get through the Christmas period without a single shot being fired.

1) However much you may get annoyed by some members of your family this Christmas try to smile a lot. Even forced smiles are permissible but don’t make it too obvious that it’s fake.

2) Get so bladdered on booze that you don’t give a shit about anything let alone being in the same room as some people you have nothing really in common apart from being part of the same dysfunctional family in some way.

3) Don’t go nuclear over the TV remote. Just drink more booze and soon you won’t care about what you’re watching.

4) Bring your therapist along with you, if they get into a fight, at least you will have some relief. Then have some more f*cking turkey. Just relax it will all be over soon.

5) When it’s time to open the presents try to look appreciative however crap the present is. And remember kids, Santa is not real anyway so it doesn’t matter. Chill out, have a cream soda.

Why it is Right Scatology Should be Recognised as Religion

0

Rational thinkers everywhere have hailed the ruling by a British judge that Scatology should be classified as a religion.

“Scatologists believe that 75 million years ago, the head of the Galactic Fecalation, made up of 76 klingons, was a being named Penu. Faced with an overpopulation problem, he brought little dingleberries to this planet, blew them up with toilet cleaner, and flushed them. Their spirits now infest our bodies: “One’s body is a mass of individual klingons stuck to unruly arse hairs or to the body” Scatologists at this level try to rid themselves of these klingons (winnits) by helping each one to remember the painful experiences of being blown up like that or teased off and pulled unceremoniously from one’s arse hairs,” celebrity Scatologist Tom Cruise quoted from OK III (Operating Kretin level 3)

The same goes for all other religions which believe in the same sort of stuff and make tonnes of money off unsuspecting gullible idiots.

IDS Too Little Too Late

0

Iain Duncan Smith, the Work and Pensions Secretary, has announced that he wants benefits tourists to speaka da Eenglish.

That’s why half of Eastern Europe are now swotting up on episodes of Eastenders and Jeremy Kyle.

Igor Maliocu, a professional pickpocket from Romania had this to say about the whole IDS scheme: “‘Ere would you Adam and Eve it, I ‘ad a butchers at my local linen and saw this Iain Duncan Smith heap talkin’ bangers and mash. It’s all gone a bit Nick Cotton innit? Well you’re ‘avin’ a laaf me ol’ China. When me and my Jimmies come over in January 2014, we’re gonna ‘alf inch his Nat King Cole, wevva ‘e likes it or not. All it took wuzz a couple o’ episodes o’ Eastenders and me and my Gareth Gates w-w-w-w-w-wuzz ‘avin’ a Todd. Naah, ‘e can Vincent Van Gogh, the putrefying Richard. You’se lot got me angry, I’m gonna pop out naah for a gypsy’s ‘n’ when I come back I want ma bees ‘n’ honey.”

Obama Liked Mandela Fake Signer So Much He’s Bringing Him to D.C

0

President Obama was so impressed by the fake signer at Mandela’s funeral ceremony that he is bringing him back to Washington D.C.

“Well I want him next to me every time I speak. You see as you all know everything I say is the truth, so this guy will back up my words,” Obama told some reporters from his $45,000 per night South African hotel.

From now on Obama will have two teleprompters, a fake signer, a fake birth certificate and fake social security numbers all displayed wherever he speaks. White house aides have said the podiums may get a little crowded with all the fake stuff but have bowed to pressure from the president.