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Landmark U.S. Budget Deal Reached Increasing Debt

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Republicans and Democrats were hailing the latest U.S. budget deal which will actually increase debt levels by a whopping $3 trillion.

“We’re helping ordinary Americans by increasing the debt to never before seen levels. We could have increased the debt by $6 trillion but thanks to our bipartisan brinkmanship we’ve only increased taxpayer debt by a measly $3 trillion.”

Add that new debt onto the surviving declared debt and Americans now have $21 trillion debt.

President Obama thanked Republican shill Paul Ryan for his help in increasing debt.

“This is chump change. I went through $6.8 trillion in my first term. Next budget I want an increase of $10 trillion. Give me something to work with on my pet projects,” the president said from his luxury $45,000 per night South African hotel room.

More champagne for the president.

Thousands Say They Don’t Want Cure For Dementia Proposed by David Cameron

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“I personally want to forget living in David Cameron’s Britain. Why the hell would I want to remember any of that when I get old?” Arthur Tenniselbowe, 34, an unemployed graduate from Slough told the Telegraph.

Thousands have signed on a petition to be presented at Downing Street tomorrow telling Cameron to lay off the dementia cure.

“Some things are best forgotten and I’d rather forget living in abject poverty, having to rely on pay day loans to feed myself and freezing to f*cking death in a bedsit cubicle living out of a suitcase with no prospect of getting a job. Overcrowded cities and roads, no support and food costs that make eating a luxury. Why remember that? Give me full blown dementia any day. Can’t wait.” a former legal aid barrister added.

Boris Johnson Flouting Laws in Marble Arch

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The former London Mayor, Boris Johnson is flouting the laws of the land by encamping in Marble Arch, the Evening Standard has revealed.

In a blistering attack on the former Mayor of London, the Standard called on its readers and Westminster council for action.

Local shops and businesses are outraged at Johnson foraging around waste bins, harassing shop keepers and even riding his bicycle over flower beds.

Hajmah Hussein owns a leather goods shop in nearby Oxford Street and had a few words to say about the vagrant Johnson.

“His filthy bike is decorated with bin bags full of bedding. How he rides that thing is a mystery? He came in to my shop and harassed some tourists for some spare change. He is riding an old Boris bike probably stolen from a rack somewhere. He mentioned something about Barclays and what absolute tossers they were. He chases around after the young Czech tourist ladies who have to fend the bugger off with sticks.”

Westminster City Council obtained an order evicting Boris and his friends from their makeshift camp and even paid for some to return home to Islington.

But now he’s back and council chiefs say there is very little they can do about it.

Knockout Latest: Hasidic Jews 1 Young People 694

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Hasidic Jews are fighting back in New York City after a spate of Knockout game hits on their own kind, American news stations report.

It’s out with the violin and piano lessons and in with some serious fisticuffs.

“Whoah! Did you see that momzer go down into the shmutzik what a shtunk. Now that right hook was right on the schnoz. Here, Levi, pass me the smartphone got to take some pics to send back to my Uncle Teitlebaum in Tel Aviv,” one of a group of Hasidic Jews yelled after another clean knockout.

The game usually is one sided with only one group of the population called ‘young people’ randomly knocking innocent people in the streets out, but now some other groups are fighting back. Like don’t mess with Hasidic Jews, you’ll get something back.

“There is a chance that knockout may escalate if more people fight back from the cowardly attacks committed by certain groups of young people. They got a long way to go though because the odds are stacked against them,” Ernst Drudgenick, a social commentator told Fox news.

Alex Jones Wishing You a Prepper Christmas

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“Ladies and gentlemen, we are nearing the end of America and the world. This is what we have been waiting for for so god damn long. I need you all to go through the check list for survival. Ammo, more ammo, lots more ammo and of course a little de-ionised water. Plus just for $49.95 you can have a tiny bottle of peace of mind and the knowledge that you will be safe from Beelzebub, or other Illuminati gods. Don’t forget to buy a box of my new Infoward Pneumatic Impulse serum, and I’ll throw in a fly swatter to keep out the DARPA robotic poison injecting devil flies from your bunker,” Alex Jones broadcast yesterday.

Here’s that checklist again:

1) Dose of fear

2) More fear and a bucket of NSA Go Away juice.

3) Shitloads of ammo

4) Anti-Illuminati serum

5) More f*cking fear

6) Aaargh!

Bulgarians and Romanians Want Jobs as MPs in Parliament

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Silas Jebko, 45, a professional Bulgarian beggar from Sofia, revealed his story to the BBC today.

“We were told there are some great low paid jobs as MPs in your country. I can’ t wait to take over from your lazy English MPs. First thing I will do is make a law to bring my whole family, all 4,870 of us.”

Gippo Fenster, a street peddler from Romania was eager to take over from House Speaker John Bercow.

“I hear his wife likes gypsies? I’m going to take his job, then his wife. My extended family of 14,000 will be encamped in the Houses of Parliament bar. First round’s on me, paid for by the taxpayer of course.”

America Had to Change

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Policy researcher Keith Blakelock, for the Global United Missionary Position think tank has outlined how America in its previous incarnation was never going to work out.

“Obama has been good for America. He has changed the nation forever, and there’s no going back to its former waste driven greed fuelled glory. Through debt, Obama will force Americans to change their wasteful ways. You see there will be no option. It will simply be survival. Now this is the stick method as opposed to the previous carrot method of unbridled capitalism and greed.

“He has not only changed the landscape of American health care where only the prosperous could be treated in previous times, but now everyone is in the same boat rich and poor. This is one of the beautiful parts of the new system. Everyone will be poor not just the poor. Socialism has had bad press in America but it’s a great system that serves the elite. You see socialism and communism are tools for a very select few people to control many, and these forms of rule were created by the elite during the late 19th century, Obama himself is part of this very select circle of engineers in modern times, and his acting skills help the cause immensely.

“Under Obama we have also seen the rise of the minority elements of the population who are supposedly championed by Obama and his tightly controlled circle. Now blacks, Hispanics and illegal immigrants are superseding the whites for the first time in America, a country that used to have very strict racial rules of ascendancy. Before, the European stock dictated every facet of culture, politics and business but those days are gone never to return again and all for the better of course.

“Obama’s championing of abortion is a vital tool in the depopulation strategy as is the championing of homosexual rights and marriage. In fact, there has been a global push for homosexuality as this will break down traditional heterosexual families further and result in less births worldwide, coupled with minor uprisings here or there, and selective outbreaks of infectious diseases, the populations can be culled further.

“As for Obama’s stance on the American penchant for toting guns, he has shown great adversity and courage in the fight against this dangerous  culture. This is by no means a strategy that is constrained to North America but the world as a whole espoused by the United Nations. By denying ordinary citizens of their much loved guns, there will eventually be peace and naturally, total control by the few. At the moment, citizens holding their own weapons are a risk to the elite because they are many, and the elite are few. President Obama, along with the esteemed Feinstein and Holder have garnered great support in the total disarmament of Americans. The final push could be soon. Maybe another event could do the trick.”

Twerk Scientists Need More Funding

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“Our budget of £56 million does not cover our research for 6 months let alone a year,” Dr. Ronald Cracarr,  told a parliamentary meeting on Friday.

The twerk research centre in central London also has labs in Kingston, Jamaica as well as Atlanta, USA.

“It is fundamental that we get more funding for the important study of the twerking phenomenon sweeping the world. Hillary Clinton who has a keen interest in twerking as well as Michelle Obama have given their support. We had Miley Cyrus in last week who gave us a three hour twerk. She was such an expert that even when exiting our lab she put her bottom on the floor and moved around dragging her buttocks like a dog does when it has worms. Now that’s something we have never seen before,” research assistant, Donald Trumpet, told the Lancet medical journal.

Fortune Teller Sees England World Cup Results

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A London based fortune teller has seen the exact result for England’s World Cup.

“Now let’s see. Italy, Uruguay and Cost Rica in Group D. I lifted the Death card and that is D right there. Then I looked in my little crystal ball, it wasn’t very pretty for England fans. Sorry to break the terrible news to you all. Add in the humidity of the jungle and you don’t have to be a fucking fortune teller like me to see the result,” Deirdre Mildred, a fortune teller from Walthamstow, East London told the Sun.

The group of jungle death might be all set in the stars for England but you never know there could be a divine intervention.

A contingent of England fans are gathering a group of druids at Stone Henge to give the England team a boost.

Matthew Tripton, 43, an electrician from Humberside has assembled 56 druids from all over England for the magical ceremony that should seal at least one goal for England.

“If we can get one piffling goal, maybe just a few dribbles here or there we’ll be happy. You know these Latin players, it’s all flair and long distance goals innit. We just use brute force and a few tactics. Where’s the likes of Vinnie Jones and that brute Irish bastard Roy Keane to chop down a few limbs when you need them?”

Nelson Mandela Visits the Great Township in the Sky

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Nelson Mandela is returning to the great township in the sky and he is hoping he will not meet that lizard P.W Botha any time soon.

Is there apartheid in heaven? It could be a whites only area, then Mr Mandela may have to go somewhere else.

Staunch South African apartheid supporters have a theory that there are two parts of heaven, one for blacks and the other part for whites.

Julius Malkompf, a white South African race leader explained the difference.

“When a South African dies if they’re black they go to a special kind of heaven. It’s very hot, with fire coming up, flames everywhere, maybe a few burning tires and lots of corrugated iron. The guards make sure the blacks do not venture out of their heaven. As for the whites, when they go to heaven it’s like the proper heaven. Let’s just say it’s similar to a gated community, you know with a golf course and swimming pool, and gorgeous blonde haired Boer women walking around in bikinis going ‘Yah, yah, yah’.  This is what we teach in our churches.”