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Retirement Age Pushed to 5 Years After Death

George Osborne, the Chancellor of the Exchequer today announced the wonderful news that the retirement age in the UK will be 5 years after your death.

But that’s not all, citizens will be taxed fully during the 5 year period after you die and those who do not pay the tax could receive heavy penalties and fines from the Inland Revenue.

“We want to be sure we get every drop of your money out of you,” Mr Osborne said grinning like a Cheshire cat.

In other news, Ed Balls popped a haemorrhoid during Osborne’s budget session and had to be rushed to the House of Commons bogs so that he could change his nappy.

Meth Math the Latest Midwest Craze

Midwest Americans are going crazy over a new craze called ‘Meth Math’.

The craze started when an Arkansas meth head started to count how many meth rocks he could smoke in an afternoon.

“It’s called Meth Math because you add up the amount of rocks you smoke then subtract that number with the amount of hours you lose from your life then multiply that amount by the amount of teeth that fall out of your mouth divided by the square root of your next score session adding two thirds of the cost of the hit,” Albert Feinstein, the Meth Math founder told the local Arkansas Tribune newspaper. Sadly he is dead now.

Authorities are gearing up to combat the Meth Math craze sweeping the Midwest with a government funded program called Meth Algebra.

The District County Sheriff’s office headed by Kirk Hammer has been given charge of the new Meth Algebra program which will combat Meth Math with some quadratic meth equations.

“If x is one rock and y is three meth rocks divided by the circumference of xy rocks squared then multiplied by the sum total of all rocks minus the two rocks left over, what does n equal? This is the kind of question we’re asking Meth Math addicts. They get so confused that they stop the Meth Math for more than two minutes,” he revealed at a recent Meth Math drug prevention news conference.

Feminism Was Created by Men Feminists Discover

It had to happen sooner or later. Feminists all over the world have discovered the terrible truth about their pet hobby of Feminism.

Angie Hairspout, a devout feminist writer discovered the reality about feminism whilst researching her next article on how terrible men are.

Been played all along

“I was in the British library looking through some manuscripts when I found something from the 1920s. It was written by a man and outlined a plan to create a feminist movement so that women could get out of the kitchen and contribute to the economy. You see before feminism, us women were waited on hand and foot by men who provided for us and cared for us. We didn’t have to work but this was not good for the economy. I mean how can you have one half of the population sitting idle at home? Therefore they devised a plan to make it look like we were empowered, they even gave us the vote and told us to go to work. During World War II, we really came into our own as we worked in the factories making armaments for the men getting shot at on the front. After the war ended it was plain sailing and the men in charge knew we were ready for the economy as a whole and that’s when we were given the green light to contribute to the economy. Haven’t looked back since. We’re wage slaves fuelled by the media dangling a carrot in front of us telling us we have to buy the latest consumerist ‘it’ thing. Now I was really angry, because I saw the last paragraph. It said it was imperative that women never find out the truth about the whole situation because they might want to go back to the sweet old home life again, and this was a very dangerous situation because it would mean that men would have to do all the work again. I was so angry that I went up to the male librarian and kicked him in the nut sack telling him I was going home to sew a woolly jumper you patriarchal gob shite.”

Ms Hairspout has vowed to publish the incredible discovery in her new book “Why Work When You Can Have Fun at Home”

All across the world women are discovering their womanhood again.

“I realised today that I am a woman. I have fundamental differences to men. My brain is wired differently to the male brain plus I have some great looking mammary glands and different parts down there. I demand that I go back to being a woman again and not trying to act like a man or try to be better than a man. No more working to the bone and losing my hair for me. I want to nurture my natural female motherly instinct to raise a family instead of ultimately ruining society’s family unit,” Jane Servisse, a former feminist told Cosmopolitan magazine.

Obama: “I Want You to Push Me For Martial Law”

President Barack Hussein Obama has told CNN that he is itching to bring in martial law so he can stay in power forever.

“You know like those Middle Eastern tyrannies the U.S. meddles with, I actually admire those guys and that’s why I have censored the media so much, increased the stasi police and have anyone I don’t like taken away permanently. But, and this is a big but, it’s just not good enough, I want more, I want it all,” the jovial president said during the CNN interview.

The president then added: “During the government shutdown I was pushing those dumbass veterans for a very good reason, but they didn’t crack. I think they’re too scared. Now my flagship Obamacare website is another tactic, we all know that thing ain’t gonna be ready until 2018. How much can these idiots be pushed before they realise how much I’m laughing in their faces? C’mon fools, you ever gonna wake up?”

Obama is now hoping for the next government shutdown post February 2014 which he estimates may be the final crack in the will of the people.

“The next debt ceiling will mean EBT shutdown, social security and Medicare stopped. How about taking your money from your bank account to pay off the debt I created? Maybe the people may get the message then, although we’ll have to see,” Obama said laughing hysterically.

Boris Johnson Not as Clever as Cameron or Osborne

Boris Johnson has been revealed to have a lesser superior intellect than Prime Minister David Cameron or Chancellor George Osborne.

Speaking under a statue of Margaret Thatcher in Whitehall, the London Mayor admitted the terrifying reality to a crew of waiting news reporters.

“I, I may know my Amo, Amas, Amats but when it comes to dealing with the media and outraged oiks I’m rather poor at that. Cammo and Georgie boy know that us Bullingdon boys only say the things we say in private but I’ve gone and said it in public, therefore I’m rather duncey to say the least when it comes to this sort of thing. Bloody media, sniffing all over the place, and when the Lefties hear about this stuff the bastards go ballistic,” the rather sheepish Mayor of London admitted.

Gay Man Comes Out as Olympic Diver

In a tearful YouTube confession the gay man said that he had always fantasised about diving into Olympic pools from a great height.

“In spring this year my life changed massively when I jumped into a pool off a diving board, and that made me feel so happy, so safe and everything just feels great.”

The man was hailed for his courage by celebrities on Twitter for admitting that he liked to jump into pools from diving boards wearing nothing but a pink tutu.

“Ooh! Pools are just so gorgeous and sensual. I like nothing better than to thrash around on my designer Italian marble bathroom floor and pretend I’m in the water splish sploshing. My boyfriend has been very supportive of me and says I should go for gold, we do that every night of course, but I want to really do it in a pool and get a medal for being an Olympic diver. I had to tell everybody so I could get all that attention I crave so much.”

Swarm of Amazon Drones Spotted Over South Africa

Amazon C.E.O Jeff Bezos was shitting kittens today.

Radar images revealed 40,000 Amazon drones carrying Christmas presents for Americans had mysteriously been diverted to Cape Town, South Africa.

Blik Mansfoort, 34, a Cape Town dock worker first heard the noise of thousands of drones coming over the water.

“My god, I was unloading a ship and I heard this really loud droning sound. Then the sky went black with these things. They were buzzing and swooping all over the place. I then got hit by twenty Christmas presents and they flew North.”

The South African Air Force was deployed at 3pm but were unable to stop the drones flying towards Botswana.

Jeff Bezos has personally apologised to the South African president, Jacob Zuma by phone.

Cameron Bows to Chinese News Calling Britain Failure

The guys with the money have told Cameron that Britain is an old and inconsequential country fit for only tourists and students.

The British Prime Minister’s response was to bow his head lower than usual and stick his hand out in a begging motion.

The UK delegation were in China all of this week trying to drum up some business for Britain from the country that owns most of America, Europe and Africa.

A Chinese official was humoured by the British PM’s grovelling: “He came into the room and we told him that we could buy his country with 0.001% of our wealth. Then this Cameron snivelling dog bowed his head whimpering like a wounded animal. He put his hands out in a begging bowl fashion and I dropped a few coins in there. I then told him to get out of the room. He walked backwards with his head still bowed all the time whimpering and saying thank you, thank you.”

Cameron did the same thing with the Indians in February.

The triumphant British team will fly back to Britain later on today after another successful trade trip.

Murdoch Releases Video of Secret Blair Meeting

Angry Rupert Murdoch, the hack master and all prevailing owner of pretty much all media everywhere, has released a clandestine video recording of a meeting he had with ex prime minister, Tony Blair.

The grainy video reveals the animosity between the two after allegations surfaced regarding Tony Blair having it off with Murdoch’s power hungry ex-wife.

“What can I say she likes power, she moves from one player to the next. Obviously that was the only reason she was with me in the first place. I mean look at me, do you think any woman in the world would want a shrivelled old possum like me other than my money and top lizard status? Well, this Blair geezer, I treated him like a son, and look what he did to me,” an obviously bitter Murdoch told Sky news.

Here is the video. Please be aware some of the language used may offend some people.

I Found a Bulgarian Under My Sofa Today

Rupert Denton, 45, an architect from Highgate had lost his remote control and lifted his sofa up to find the Bulgarian man staring at him.

“It was an extraordinary impasse. I told the startled man washing his feet with my designer napkin to get out from under my sofa and he spoke in some weird lingo. I am at a loss at how he got into my £2.6 million bijou moderno apartment but I bet it’s the bloody EU and their free roaming edict that did it. I immediately grabbed a broom and turfed him out of my place in no time. Turns out he mistook the underside of my sofa for Sofia the capital of Bulgaria,” Mr Denton told the BBC.

Mr Denton was set to have house hunters around that evening and really needs to sell his tiny half a bedroom £2.6 million cupboard sharpish, it certainly would have put a damper on things if a Bulgarian beggar suddenly appeared from under the sofa.