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New Parentless Facebook Needed by Desperate Teens

Tony Lobbins
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New Parentless Facebook Needed by Desperate Teens

Everything has an ending, and it does not matter how much money you throw at something that is failing, polishing turds just gets you shiny turds.

Anyone knows that having your parents on Facebook is going to be a disaster, and as the teens rush off to parentless spots far away from the data mining Facebook zone, the share holders are understandably bricking themselves.

Lest we forget the sad lament of Zuckerberg as he cries out from his Palid Alto mansion, what has he got to worry about anyway, he’s rolling in enough money to buy Sudan and Ethiopia?

“I wake up in the middle of the night sweating like Vanessa Feltz on a treadmill. What if Facebook loses 80% of its users? My shares, my shares! And then a smile creeps up on me, ah, I sold most of them, you know like Myspace Tom did before unloading the lot onto Murdoch and son and watching it go into the shitter,” Zuckerberg recalls in this week’s edition of Wired.

Lib Dem Party Conference Gets Off to Groping Start

Tony Lobbins
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0
Lib Dem Party Conference Gets Off to Groping Start

The Lib Dem conference was held this year in Gropechester, just a short grind from the 36DD, turn left at the Titsbury junction and you’re in there son.

“I’ve never had such a great conference, the Lib Dem ladies were decked out on stage and Lord Rodhard and his chums all had a good feel. I myself was tempted but when I looked over my shoulder I saw Miriam crushing her hands and giving me a sort of Spanish death stare kind of thing,” Lib Dem leader, Nick Clegg recalled after the conference.

Some of the policies on tow were:

1) More groping rights for Lib Dems

2) A deny everything rule so it always goes away

3) ‘No I didn’t do that’ law especially reserved for Lords

4) ‘Come ‘ere darlin’ I’ve got some constituency business I’d like you to look at’ law

5) Hands on, hands slowly off law

Florida City Council Okays Trayvon Martin Statue

Tony Lobbins
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4
Florida City Council Okays Trayvon Martin Statue

Sanford, Florida is buzzing with excitement at the prospect of having a Trayvon Martin statue directly outside the Town Hall.

It has been nearly a year since the death of Trayvon Martin and many feel the time is right for a statue of the young boy who was simply walking through a gated community.

“He’s a hero. He was only walking wearing a hoodie. You can’t ask any more from anyone. If I had a son it would be Trayvon Martin,” Shambala Johnsons, 87, told the Sanford Echo.

The Trayvon Martin bronze statue will hold pride of place right outside the town hall and the Mayor will conduct an official unveiling on Friday this week.

Obama May Repeal Obamacare if Americans Give Up Guns

Tony Lobbins
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0
Obama May Repeal Obamacare if Americans Give Up Guns

President Obama says he wants to make a deal with the American people.

“I will repeal the failed Obamacare laws I created along with the two bit mangy website if you give up your guns. Now that’s a good deal right?” Obama said during a public address Wednesday.

Americans were however torn on the issue and many are questioning the new deal Obama is offering.

“Yeah, but when we throw our guns down, then he can do whatever he wants anyway. I’ve seen how this guy operates. I don’t trust a single word that comes out of his lying mouth,” Ed Hurlehee, 62, a business owner from Wisconsin told local radio stations.

Until the BBC Uses Blue Colour Scheme Only Then Will There be Balance

Tony Lobbins
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0
Until the BBC Uses Blue Colour Scheme Only Then Will There be Balance

A new report commissioned by the Conservative party has revealed that until the BBC changes its red colour scheme to blue it will not have a more balanced outlook as it is currently merely a mouthpiece for the Labour party.

“They need a touch of blue in their colour scheme. At the moment everything is red, red, red and we’re not just talking about the socialist skewed news reporting either. We are therefore urging the BBC to introduce blue into their overall colour scheme as well. Why not have half the news studio in red, possibly the left side, and the other in blue? They could even have one newscaster on each side, throwing eggs at each other, but at least it would reflect a more balanced view as opposed to what is in place right now,” a Conservative party member said from the party’s central London offices.

‘Red’ Ed Miliband, the Labour leader said of the report: “Typical Tories, always jumping to conclusions. I was at the BBC yesterday for a four hour special program about my policies and I did not get any preferential treatment.”

Florida City Council Okays Zimmerman Statue

Tony Lobbins
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4
Florida City Council Okays Zimmerman Statue

Sanford, Florida is buzzing with excitement at the prospect of having a George Zimmerman statue directly outside the Town Hall.

It has been nearly a year since the acquittal of George Zimmerman and many feel the time is right for a statue of the neighbourhood watch that served the community so well.

“He’s a hero. He was only doing his job. You can’t ask any more from anyone. If I had a son it would be George Zimmerman,” Angela Brisket, 87, told the Sanford Echo.

The Zimmerman bronze statue will hold pride of place right outside the town hall and the Mayor will conduct an official unveiling on Friday this week.

New Channel 4 Reality Show — Benefits Island

Tony Lobbins
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0
New Channel 4 Reality Show — Benefits Island

 

The first Benefits Island show will commence in 2015 when Labour wins the general election and boots the Tories out.

The format of the Channel 4 show will be along the lines of its huge hit Benefits Street but will be filmed on an island where no one pays tax, no one works or does anything.

“This is an exciting project because it won’t just be one street in the spotlight but a whole island. You’ve asked me what island we will use for the program, well, if you can’t guess that then you’re frankly a bit dim,” Benefits Island producer, Edward Millipede told the BBC.

Benefits Island will be broadcast on election result day (benefits day) on 7 May 2015.

It’s the Final Countdown for Iranian Nuclear Bomb — Three Weeks

Tony Lobbins
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0
It’s the Final Countdown for Iranian Nuclear Bomb — Three Weeks

 

Sven Malmo, the band’s manager has revealed the pay was too good to decline, and has disclosed the amount will be in the millions for the Iranian nuclear bomb celebrations.

“We got a call from some Mullah and he said the bomb is nearly ready. They said they want us to play the Final Countdown in Tehran. We first said no way, then the Mullah guy snackbarred out a very large number. Who are we to say no to that?”

Meanwhile in Tel Aviv, Israel, people have been understandably a little edgy about the Iranians completing the nuclear missile project in as little as three weeks time.

“I’m phoning Obama every day to do something you know kvetsh, kvetsh, kvetsh, but the schmuck is too busy working on his broken website. I told him to get his act together before it’s too late but that shmendrik is stuck so far up his own tuchas no one can get through to him,” a visibly agitated Benjamin Netanyahu told the Haaretz news service.

Small Enclave of Men Still Exists But Most Have Died Off Say Experts

Tony Lobbins
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1
Small Enclave of Men Still Exists But Most Have Died Off Say Experts

 

Professor Howard Bloom at the Institute for the Preservation of Blokes has come up with a report that has seen his funding increased by anonymous donors, but is he right?

“It is now considered highly irregular to be a man. Primary schools are all dominated by women, the entertainment industry is dominated by female auto tune bimbos or girlyfied ponces leaving no male role models for boys, homosexuals are now getting married and woe betide anyone who does not think that’s right, and soon all political high office will be dominated by women when Hillary Clinton tries to bag the big prize in 2017. In the UK, Theresa May may even have a chance if she gets a grip on one of Cameron’s testicles and squeezes very hard. Men are now considered perverted for even admiring the female form and are punished for any form of chivalry, honour or patriarchal decency or just being generally blokey.

“Hold a door open for most women these days and get a scowl or kick in the nads. Every part of society is now geared towards belittling men. What chance do kids have any more when just being male or acting like one is a crime? For too long now men have been ostracised, criticised and de-humanised and left with little or no rights merely to be used as sperm donors by millions of women. And if you’re in America they’ll take away your gun before you’re whisked away by the Obamacare police to be re-educated at an Obamacare education centre. We’re sitting here now with our spears waiting and watching for the right time to act,” the professor said from his office.

Life Coach Turns Around Man’s Life Before Money Runs Out and He’s Back to Square One

Tony Lobbins
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0
Life Coach Turns Around Man’s Life Before Money Runs Out and He’s Back to Square One

 

Ed Purbiss, 43, an every day Joe in anyone’s book wanted to turn his life around but was dealt an even heavier blow when the life coach took his remaining money and even left him in serious debt.

“That’s what we do with all of them. The only one who wins with our scheme is us. We make you believe in unattainable bullshit that no one can achieve, then we fleece you for as much money as we can get, then dump you when your money runs out or you lose hope of ever achieving the unattainable. As for all the life enhancing books that are out there, the only people making s loads of money and turning around their lives are the life coaches. That just goes without saying. Cha ching!” an anonymous life coach said from his plush mansion with a Lamborghini parked in the drive.

If you have been fleeced by a Life Coach you can call the Life Coach Victim Support line on 1-800 LIFEVICTIM (Calls will be charged at $380/minute)

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