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Home Blog Page 575

Noah’s Ark Spotted in Somerset

World

February 3, 2014

“I was sitting on my roof cursing the ineptitude of David Cameron when along came Noah’s Ark right in front of me. It was a magnificent vessel and I even saw a giraffe poking its head out of a port hole,” Angela Davis, a retired baker from the village of Maltwich, Somerset told the BBC.

Reports from many flood hit residents of the area also claim to have seen a BBC crew close by in a rubber dinghy who were thrown off course as the wake created by the massive Ark’s hull hit them.

Prime Minister, David Cameron was not available for comment as he was too busy twiddling his thumbs and thinking about what to do about all this flooding stuff.

Noah’s Ark can be seen by the general public later on this month when it will dock in Portsmouth for a short time before making its way to Mount Ararat in Turkey. Family tours of the Ark will cost £65 for a two hour tour and there will be an animal petting zoo for children as well as audio guides. Wheelchair accessible.

Sweet Old Ladies Pumpkin Soup and Barack Hussein Obama

Opinion

Clint Westwood

February 1, 2014

Sweet Old Ladies Pumpkin Soup and Barack Hussein Obama

Here at the Daily Squib, we’re on the outside, we see things better from there, especially when it comes to America.

Unfortunately for most Americans, who are on the inside, perception can get fuzzy from all the noise, their airwaves and media are so contradictory and misleading that rational thought after being peppered daily by these machines of mass illusion are nigh on impossible.

Is America a rogue state right now? In many ways it is, and here at Squib Central we knew this before the imminent election of Obama on November 4 2008. We predicted successfully through satire that he would be elected and the changes he was ordered to bring.

Who ordered these changes you ask? Well, numerous claws are in the pot. You see what most Americans do not realise yet is that all parties are simply a good cop bad cop routine, because when one party is unelected, the same people remain behind the scenes doing the same things. It does not matter who you get, the central core of the United States is still the same as under George W Bush, and previous presidents before that. As for the Federal Reserve, that’s not even a part of the United States, standard knowledge, we know.

America is a key zone in global geo-political policy implementation and it is crucial to this global change that Americans are disarmed, one by one gun owners will be ordered to give up their weapons. The United Nations’ global disarmament charter means just that, therefore it is imperative that the population with the most arms per capita is prepared by Obama, Reid, Kerry, Holder and Feinstein. These key personnel are crucial to re-educating the American people and disarming them completely so the next stage can begin. By legalising drugs, as Obama is doing, many will not mind when the DHS comes to their front porch to collect their weapons.

Obama has three more years to complete his mission. These may be the longest three years of an American’s life, as Obama is untouchable and spurious calls for impeachment will fall on mute ears, it is way too late to stop anything now because the boulder is already rolling down the hill.

The original constitution of America has passed, and will not be relevant in the 21st century. Already, many of the decrees created by the old Masonic fathers of America have been bypassed by new Masons, and Americans today have little or no rights left.

The same thing happened in the unarmed United Kingdom many years ago, and the EU has all but destroyed any form of individual rights for their citizens.

Once America is aligned by disarming the populace, and the UK is assimilated completely into the EU, the beginnings of overt global government will be seen. We are all under covert global government right now and have been for quite some time, apart from some small Islamic States that are as yet still partially outside the box, but as technology advances, so too will they be assimilated by technological force.

The old generations who once had some semblance of freedom will die off naturally. The new generations will not know what freedom or privacy is, they will be taught that snow is black and they will believe it. With every form of literature and history digitised, alteration is just a mouse click away.

The financial furniture has been rearranged through engineered recession, now it’s just about a little house cleaning, that’s all.

Man is Entertained to Death

Entertainment

Clint Westwood

January 31, 2014

Los Angeles resident, Bill Jimson, 28, was entertained to death after a prolonged period of entertainment police reports reveal.

Police officers and EMTs at the scene were so horrified attending the deceased man’s apartment that many needed counselling afterwards.

“What I saw that night will remain with me for the rest of my life. This guy had, iPhones, Android tablets, iPads, iPod touch, PS3, PS4, X Box One, Nintendo; hooked up was also a kindle book reader, a home cinema entertainment centre, a top of the range hi fi system, strobe lights and he even had a pc gaming system going all at the same time while he was still wearing his Google glasses watching about 45 screens. Somehow he just blew his brain. We found it in the corner under a pizza box with a half eaten pepperoni pizza inside. That’s when I just started gagging and puked on the man’s collection of remote controls and usb cables.” Officer Arnold Dietler of the LAPD recalled in the crime scene report.

New Channel 4 Show ‘Supermarket Skip Sweep’

Entertainment

Clint Westwood

January 31, 2014

New Channel 4 Show ‘Supermarket Skip Sweep’

With the recent arrest and incarceration of a few supermarket skippers in North London on highly immoral charges, maybe it’s time for a new Channel 4 game show.

Series producer of Supermarket Skip Sweep, Bill Tandoori, explained how the show works in this week’s TV Times: “It’s quite simple. Contestants dressed in black outfits including balaclavas are air dropped into the vicinity of a major supermarket. They are not given night vision goggles, and they have to navigate the barbed wire high walls round the back of the supermarket in complete darkness without being stopped by the police patrols, search lights and helicopter surveillance teams looking for skippers/freegans. Once in, they have to fill their bags with as much binned perfectly edible supermarket food which would have been dumped anyway, and flee the area getting to a checkpoint designated on a GPS system. If they get there without being spotted by the cops, or ripped to shreds by police attack dogs then they get to have a meal that night. If they get caught, they not only don’t get to eat but are disgracefully peddled through the courts on some outdated 19th century law causing untold distress to the skipper and cost to the taxpayer.”

Supermarket Skip Sweep will air in March and will only be available to watch if viewers can get a log in code from a heavily fortified supermarket skip at designated locations around the country.

Key Facts: In the UK 25 million tonnes of food goes into British landfill sites every year of which 15 million tonnes of this food is perfectly good to eat. If sold, this food would have a value of around £25 billion. The supermarkets call this a “surplus”, meanwhile 12 million people in the UK can’t afford to buy healthy food as poverty levels are rising daily. Citing cost efficiency, supermarkets prefer to throw away edible food that is approaching its sell-by date rather than mark it down in price as the cost of paying staff is greater than the money made on the reduced items.

Obama Weed Now Free on Obamacare

Health

Clint Westwood

January 29, 2014

Stoner president, Barack ‘ganja’ Obama has put one of his executive orders to good use and made weed free with every Obamacare sign up.

“You know I wanted to bring back a lil of my days growing up in Hawaii. I was so high with the shroom crew sometimes that they would say come down man, you’re flying too high. I wanted to get higher. That’s why I’m president right now and those guys are still stoner losers. Here’s to Obamacare, now roll a fat one for me and y’all can thank uncle Barry for a good smoke.”

To increase enrolment on the Obamacare health system, every person that signs up will get a joint shipped over from Colorado and if you get the Gold insurance you get four joints and a bong.

On hearing about the new promotion, millions more attempted to sign up to Obamacare crashing the website for the ten thousandth time this month.

McDonalds Now Recruiting Latest X Factor Winners

Entertainment

Clint Westwood

January 29, 2014

McDonalds Now Recruiting Latest X Factor Winners

Fast food restaurant McDonalds is now actively recruiting the latest X Factor winners to join the previous lot who won previous X Factor competitions.

Manager of the Walthamstow McDonalds branch, Ludmilla Briancatsou revealed how the recruitment drive works.

“They win first prize on the show, sell about twenty iTunes downloads then get dumped by Simon Cowell’s awful exploitative record company and that’s after the first week of winning X Factor, we then recruit them in the second week. Our burger chef is some guy who won three weeks ago and doing the chips is a girl who won X Factor six years ago. She’s still doing the fries to an exemplary standard and may become managerial material in another twenty years if she’s lucky. As for cleaning the toilets, we’ve got JLS in there right now. It’s the music biz innit!”

What’s It Like to Drive in the Streets of London Today

World

Clint Westwood

January 28, 2014

What’s It Like to Drive in the Streets of London Today

One must have patience, in fact bring a tablet computer or better still portable dvd player, or even if they’re still around, a good book, something very thick will do.

Be prepared to have your hand on the horn constantly as they do in the Continent. You will find that since London became the capital of the EU and Third World, everyone from Calais to Bucharest to Bangalore is here now, and the way they drive, you’ll need nerves of bloody steel and reactions of a pray mantis to survive a few minutes on the narrow horse and cart streets of London.

Of course, the massive influx of EU mainland road users does not require them to know the British Highway Code, au contraire, there are no rules of the road any more, therefore be on your guard because signalling to turn is alien to them, as is any form of speed limit or courtesy.

It pays to have a vehicle registered somewhere in the continent as they are not touched by the laws of the UK, therefore if one of these buggers rear ends you and drives off laughing, good luck with your insurance payment.

Navigating the streets now is more akin to rush hour in Hyderabad but at least we don’t have cows to contend with, apart from the one probably sitting next to you screaming bloody murder.

Coupled with all the pot holes, crazed Essex white van men, obliviously suicidal cyclists, insane cab drivers, reckless old biddies, drunk arseholes and coppers on a chase, you’ll be f*cking lucky to get home to your beans on toast alive, so maybe it’s time to think about ditching the car.

Cameron: “Phew, EU Referendum Ditched”

World

Clint Westwood

January 27, 2014

David Cameron breathed a sigh of relief after the House of Lords ditched the EU Referendum vote thanks to Labour and the Lib Dems, and now all that shenanigans is over with — it’s time to lose the next election .

“That was the plan all along, you don’t think we would ever give the plebs a say in an EU vote? It’s all a great weight off my shoulders and I’m all set up for that high paying job as an EU bureaucrat,” Cameron said from Brussels as he dug his nose in deeper up the Eurocrarsy.

Hollande: “Au Revoir Rottweiler”

World

Clint Westwood

January 25, 2014

As the servants in Elysée palace try to piece together the rare priceless antiquities that were smashed against the walls by the resident jilted rottweiler, an exhausted Francois Hollande sat back in a Louis XIII chair and reminisced on the latest folly de Trierweiler.

“C’est un tragédie. Je only wanted un petit peut of nooky. Mais J’ai été caught avec mon pantalon down. Not very French of moi je sais.”

Meanwhile the heavy taxation and ridiculous bureaucracy on the poor grenouilles shall resume as normal.

Gun Toting Maniac With Common Sense Seen in Parliament

World

Clint Westwood

January 24, 2014

Gun Toting Maniac With Common Sense Seen in Parliament

Named as Nigel ‘Dirty Harry’ Farage, the leader of Ukip, he was soon apprehended and taken swiftly to the Commons bar for some much needed un-sobering up.

“Every man and woman should have the right to defend themselves in their own homes. I was just making my point,” Farage said whilst on his twelfth double whisky.

Since Labour came into power all those years ago, as well as a knee jerk reaction to one shooting incident, it has been illegal to own a hand gun in the UK, which does not make sense when the criminals all have them.