What’s It Like to Drive in the Streets of London Today

LONDON - England - Driving in the capital city is getting worse, and no one is really doing anything about it. Here are some tips on getting by whilst swimming in the maelstrom spaghetti soup of crap that makes up London's streets.

One must have patience, in fact bring a tablet computer or better still portable dvd player, or even if they’re still around, a good book, something very thick will do.

Be prepared to have your hand on the horn constantly as they do in the Continent. You will find that since London became the capital of the EU and Third World, everyone from Calais to Bucharest to Bangalore is here now, and the way they drive, you’ll need nerves of bloody steel and reactions of a pray mantis to survive a few minutes on the narrow horse and cart streets of London.

Of course, the massive influx of EU mainland road users does not require them to know the British Highway Code, au contraire, there are no rules of the road any more, therefore be on your guard because signalling to turn is alien to them, as is any form of speed limit or courtesy.

It pays to have a vehicle registered somewhere in the continent as they are not touched by the laws of the UK, therefore if one of these buggers rear ends you and drives off laughing, good luck with your insurance payment.

Navigating the streets now is more akin to rush hour in Hyderabad but at least we don’t have cows to contend with, apart from the one probably sitting next to you screaming bloody murder.

Coupled with all the pot holes, crazed Essex white van men, obliviously suicidal cyclists, insane cab drivers, reckless old biddies, drunk arseholes and coppers on a chase, you’ll be f*cking lucky to get home to your beans on toast alive, so maybe it’s time to think about ditching the car.