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Jesus Photographed by Mars Rover Christians Celebrate

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Jesus Photographed by Mars Rover Christians Celebrate

 

“I knew it was true when I saw the Mars Rover Curiosity photos relayed across NASA’s screens. You know what I said, I said ‘Je-e-esus H Christ’ Dang I just couldn’t help myself, there he was right in front of the whole world,” Reverend Bilko McMorgan for the South Texas Episcopacopapal Baptist Exultation Church of the Latter Day Mormons told CBS news.

Followers in Rome’s Vatican City all lit candles at the same time and Pope Francis lined up twenty convicts to kiss and wash their feet.

Some were however slightly disappointed, as they assumed Jesus would come back to earth and not some desolate red rock in the middle of nowhere.

“When he comes back to earth then I’ll be happy in Rapture. What the hell is Jesus thinking? Maybe he gone and done a mistake or something,” Al Hertz, a window cleaner from Dumpville, Massachusetts told local stations.

EU Migrants into UK Will Get Free Petrol Says Brussels

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EU Migrants into UK Will Get Free Petrol Says Brussels

 

“It goes without saying that when EU migrants come to the UK, they should also be given free petrol to help them on their way. Remember that these migrants come from some of the poorest countries and need all the help they can get to give them a head start,” Jens Ofhalf, EU Minister of Transport told the BBC.

Already, the length and breadth of Britain, massive queues have been forming as the millions of EU migrants wait to fill their cars and vans.

Albert Rentricle, 67, a retired baker from Peckham, South London was turned away from a petrol station when trying to fill up his car initially but when he went back to the petrol station he pretended to be Romanian and received a full tank and a free air freshener for his car.

Next Week’s NSA Stock Tips

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Next Week’s NSA Stock Tips

 

Top NSA business analyst Larrs Utrecht, has got some great news for anyone who is in the dark about what to buy and sell at the moment.

“Let’s just say a few chosen individuals get emails in the morning about what to buy and sell. I’m going to give you guys some NSA stock tips that are guaranteed to make you a lot of money. I mean what’s the point in having a stock market if you don’t have access to all the secret company info, emails, phone calls and executive news before anyone else does? We’re listening all the time, not only in the U.S. but across the world. We know what every company director is doing, we can see everything, we know what they’re thinking, we know their plans.”

Best buys for the week

1) ALCO Buy this at $12.60 Monday first thing. I was listening to the CEO talking on the phone last week, they’ve been sitting on some great news about a new product they’re bringing out to be announced on Tuesday.

2) DELFI They struck major oil in Guatemala two weeks ago. They’re going to announce it on Tuesday. That’s why you have to fill your boots on Monday. Re-mortgage the house if you have to.

3) JLFK The board will be announcing the resignation of one of the directors who has been bad for the company. Expect a spike up, from the chatter we’re seeing it should go up to $34 by Wednesday.

Top sellers for the week

1) OPSD Three days ago I was looking through the CEOs private encrypted emails and saw something very drastic. This stock has had a great run up to $67 but on Wednesday journalists are going to publish something pretty bad. Target for this stock is $14 so get your shorts off for this one, and jump in the pool — of money you will make.

2) GKXO Currently at $124 this company is in serious trouble according to our men looking through their hard disks. Prepare to sell all the way down the cliff but make sure the sell orders occur before Thursday when they make that announcement.

Weinstein Orders Tarantino to Make New Care Bears Movie

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Weinstein Orders Tarantino to Make New Care Bears Movie

“I’ve had a change of heart. My films are usually associated with gun play and extreme violence and they have naturally been high grossing ventures, but you can guess what is happening and I have thus been ordered to adhere to the agenda of mass disarmament in the United States. We must therefore portray an image of non violence. From now on all Hollywood films will not have car chases, shoot outs, or any form of gun toting mayhem frankly disagreeable violent behaviour. My bosses who put me in my place have ordered this radical change and if I wish to continue making films I must tow the line. Please remember that we must disarm the American populace and my boss has three years left to accomplish his mission,” Mr Weinstein said before shooting off in his Ferrari down Mulholland Drive.

Quentin Tarantino was not available for comment but rumour has it that he has undergone a frontal lobotomy in a Beverly Hills clinic to enable him to write the script and direct the new Weinstein venture.

Speaking on CNN, anti-gun broadcaster and Brit import, Piers Moron was appreciative that Weinstein and Tarantino had finally come around to the agenda of disarming the American people.

Barack to Michelle Obama: “I Already Ate”

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Sources inside the White House say that things are a little frosty there at the moment and those unlucky enough to have received an invitation to the Michelle Obama 50th party have been advised to “watch out for a beat down or two” WOBDx2.

Michelle’s husband, Barack had this to say about the party: “Bitch, I already ate. So none of that EBYC shit works on me. Ya num sayin’?”

Renfro Balthazar, 54, a prominent D.C. businessman and Obama donor was not so eager to attend: “If Barack comes away with his balls intact after that party I’d be surprised.”

Benefits Street Residents Now All Employed in High Flying Jobs by Alan Sugar

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Benefits Street Residents Now All Employed in High Flying Jobs by Alan Sugar

 

The Apprentice entrepreneur Alan Sugar was so touched by the resourceful nature of the previous dregs of society that he personally visited James Turner street last week.

“You’re hired! You will now be the Financial Director of Amslop, my latest venture into ready made meals,” Sir Alan Sugar told Jimpo, 45, who is most used to rifling through bins.

Two weeks have passed since leaving Benefits Street and Jimpo is now making enormous strides already having reduced inefficiency and product waste in the company by 75%.

“Thank you Mr Sugar for your indomitable trust in our skills as innovative enterprising visionary components to your business. As you can see I have outlined a presentation inculcating our decisive elemental plans for the next five years. You will be pleased to hear that my cost analysis bar chart represents a three point attack plan for cost cutting efficiency adopting black sky thinking processes and profit enhancement ROI through aggressive marketing and cross-pollination of differential theoretical implementational executive temperance forms to maximise profit at a rate of 850% per annum,” Jimpo said from the multi-million pound company offices wearing a £15,000 bespoke Savile Row suit.

New Film 500 Years a Slave Hard to Watch Say Critics

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New Film 500 Years a Slave Hard to Watch Say Critics

 

“12 Years a Slave is child’s play compared to 500 Years a Slave,” Gomez Fuentez, its cinematographer, speaks about the film’s most uncomfortable scenes.

“Slavery has been going on for thousands of years and it’s not just black people who were slaves as depicted in 12 Years a Slave. I mean how far do you want to go back? My film sheds some light on Roman slaves, a magnificent civilisation which was built off the back of millions of slaves for over 500 years,” the film’s director Flavius Marcelus revealed in Movie Magic magazine.

Set in the heart of the Roman republic’s heyday the story revolves around slaves in Roman households, slavery markets and slaves in gladiatorial games.

Black Hole Belches in Space Nearly Vomiting

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Black Hole Belches in Space Nearly Vomiting

“It burped! Did you see that? I think it swallowed something it did not quite agree with,” professor Lee Emerick, at the California Space Observatory excitedly told colleagues during a routine check of the sky.

The massive black hole belch could give astronomers a unique window on one of the universe’s great enigmas — galactic indigestion.

Black holes are so dense that not even light can escape them, once it passes their event horizon but if they swallow something disagreeable they can get galactic food poisoning which can prove fatal for anything in its path.

“We’re still monitoring the gaseous burpage, but if that thing vomits it wouldn’t be pretty. It could blow out chunks of everything from here to Alpha Centauri,” another astronomer revealed.

Maybe some galactic Alka Seltzer is needed to save the galaxy.

Miliband Making Friends Fast

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Miliband Making Friends Fast

 

Mr Miliband’s plans to curtail the banking sector with crude bonus caps are a sure way to lose him the upcoming election.

“If you want to get elected it is best to appease those who kind of own everything. That’s why I’ve really pissed off the bankers. You see they own everything and everyone but there I’ve gone and done it again with my militant ways. First I pissed off Google and the energy companies and now it’s the bankers. Doh! Can’t you see I’m trying to make friends in high places here,” Red Ed said from his £1.6 million Hampstead mansion.

Al Gore Disappears Into Polar Vortex Never to be Seen Again

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Al Gore Disappears Into Polar Vortex Never to be Seen Again

There is something to be said about divine intervention, and it has finally happened with global warming enthusiast Al Gore being sucked into a freezing polar vortex somewhere in the Midwest.

According to one of Gore’s assistants he was somewhere between Muskegon and Kalamazoo when the polar vortex swallowed the Democrat ex vice president into the freezing vortex. Gore was out in the wilds looking to find some evidence of global warming.

There was only one witness to the terrible tragedy, Lewis Dunce, 53, a beet farmer who watched from his shack told local news stations about the tragic vortexing accident.

“The winds were crazy wild. I saw that man, he was dressed in shorts, a Hawaiian shirt and sandals, looked like he had a sun hat on as well and sunglasses. He was walking through the snow and winds and then that was it, he just flew up into the sky with all the snow and ice. Must be that global warming huh, that sure puts the pig meat in the fire!”

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