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Salmond Reveals Scottish Currency

John Milton
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Salmond Reveals Scottish Currency

 

“Aye, we’ve finally cracked it. Forget the poond sterling, or the euro, looky what we got here,” Salmond said pointing to a counter decked out with deep fried mars bars in batter.

The new currency will be used in different denominations, for example, one very large battered mars bar would be worth four battered mars bars. There are also smaller battered mars bars which could be used for smaller purchases.

“You’se can go in a shop noo and buy a deep fried battered mars bar with a deep fried battered mars bar. But don’t forget, if you’re holding a load of battered mars bars, you might actually get battered by someone and your stash stolen. Remember to keep your new Scottish currency safe, maybe in your stomach,” Angus McFenster, the newly appointed Chancellor and Treasurer of Scotland told local news stations today.

Red Ed’s 1984 Manifesto Comes to Light

John Milton
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Red Ed’s 1984 Manifesto Comes to Light

Comrade Red Ed Miliband may live in a £2.6 million mansion but he wants the proles to suffer after his election, as the latest Labour Party documents are revealed.

“Consider the fact that when Labour was elected in 1997, there were hardly any CCTVs or speed cameras, but it only took a year or so before there was a massive jump in numbers across Britain. The Labour Stasi did not stop there however, they increased the number of petty laws hundred fold, so people couldn’t sneeze or fart without getting some kind of ASBO. You couldn’t go 5 minutes, without hearing an INGSOC party political broadcast or Big Brother announcement,” a former Labour voter revealed.

George Orwell’s book 1984, has a telescreen in every prole’s room, every morning you are told to stand up, to do your exercises, and if you do not do them properly you are punished.

Miliband, whose father was a Marxist, would bring in a horrific totalitarian dystopian super state delving into every person’s lives more than is so today. We are all already under heavy surveillance but it would get a lot worse.

“This is called the totalitarian tiptoe, they have to do it slowly, one step at a time, and when it is too late, and the people realise, then it will really be too late,” an anonymous non-voter told no one who is listening.

Clarkson to Present Newsnight After Paxman Departure

John Milton
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Clarkson to Present Newsnight After Paxman Departure

 

Now that horse face has left, it’s time for some proper news, cue Jeremy Clarkson taking the hot seat on the Newsnight desk.

BBC controller, Beltred McKenzies, was adamant that the move would be good for Clarkson.

“Well, there are similarities, for example both of their Christian names are Jeremy er…and they are both public school boys…and..er..they both worked for the BBC,” McKenzies said.

Jeremy Clarkson was rather peevish about the appointment.

“I basically can’t speak. If I say a single word, someone will get annoyed. That’s why I shall just sit there and point to the screen. It’s my last chance they said. I’m on a slope to nowhere I tell you.”

Meanwhile on the Top Gear set, a lobotomised monkey has taken over Clarkson’s role, he just sits there on a stool grinning inanely whilst top notch cars whizz by at high speed. May and the Hamster were also given the boot and are now working in a sweat shop in Dalston, East London.

The Streets of Ukraine Paved With Gold

John Milton
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The Streets of Ukraine Paved With Gold

Geo-political and Counter Intelligence expert Brandt Meinhoff, from an unknown agency somewhere, outlines some of the pitfalls of coercing Russia into war.

“Agitating and baiting the bear has worked, as Russia has been forced to act after the coup in Kiev, and with further baiting by specialist teams in the country, Putin had no choice to act.

“There are similarities to the baiting of Saddam Hussein who in 1990 was forced to invade Kuwait because of deliberate US actions on the price of oil resulting in his later demise. The only difference between the two countries is that Russia has a well oiled military machine and Iraq was nothing much to talk home about apart from their oil reserves.

“For the global elite, Russia is crucial, because it has many resources and would be a final stepping stone towards China. This action may take a number of years to complete but a Russian spring could be utilised to fracture the country first, then once it is weakened internally the rest is easy. Divide and conquer, is of course an old time tested technique which is especially useful on totalitarian regimes, which crack easier than more fluid regimes, purely because of the element of discontent within a dictator led nation.

“The EU is taking the form of the former Soviet Union as is the USA, in its technical form of covert military operations and the use of tactical destabilisation in Ukraine.

“Putin may be superior in strategic technique, but he is now being quarantined by the global machine. Isolation can be dangerous for both sides however, because it can cause unexpected results. Sanctions only stoke the fires of all out war. If Russia feels there is no way out, they could strike at any time anywhere, much like a cornered bear in a forest being tracked by hunters with shotguns.

“When there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to lose.”

Jeremy Clarkson to Open Exact Replica of Ancient Rome in African Village

John Milton
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Jeremy Clarkson to Open Exact Replica of Ancient Rome in African Village

 

As part of next month’s Top Gear special in Africa, Jeremy Clarkson, he of the epitome of political correctness, will officially open an exact replica of ancient Rome, which has been built in an African village 200 Kms from Harari, Zimbabwe.

The creation was engineered by 42-year-old Mgbkwe Mbokwa, who recreated the city of Rome piece by piece after reading a book about Rome twenty years ago.

“Two thousand years ago, ancient Rome had aquaducts, vast structures, magnificent architecture and a system of highly advanced government. The Romans had underfloor heating, baths, bridges and sophisticated machines like catapults and cranes powered by slaves, they also had a fully functioning drainage system which directed sewage out of their homes, and under the streets. These were all things we Africans can only wonder at today,” Mbokwa told the BBC program.

Clarkson was said to be excited about visiting the Roman recreation: “I can’t wait to visit the recreation of Rome. Me and the boys, will be driving our bulldozers straight through the fucking lot of it. Ain’t technology great?”

Prince Harry and Cressida Get Back Together Again

John Milton
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Prince Harry and Cressida Get Back Together Again

On a positive note, Prince Harry and Cressida Bonas have got back together again.

“This is wonderful news. I suppose the temporary split is very similar to the split Wills and Kate had before they suddenly got back together again,” a PR man from Soho told the BBC.

The prince has vowed to put his Nazi uniform down for good, and also will curtail his Southern Comfort sniffing sessions, as for wild Las Vegas trips, those will be carefully coordinated next time.

Palace officials were treading softly with announcements and kept quiet about the reunion. The royal engagement should be announced at the right time, probably when Russia invades Ukraine and World War III starts.

Think Tank: How Obama Killed Internet and Free Speech

John Milton
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Think Tank: How Obama Killed Internet and Free Speech

The independent think tank, Linguistic Policy Institute, based in Boston, Massachusetts, has released a paper about President Barack Obama’s fight against free speech, and his totalitarian program of soviet political correctness, controlled information, anti-privacy war on internet users.

Doctor Frank Oritz, a senior fellow of the institute outlines some of the charges against Barack Obama and his attack on freedom of speech.

“Obama’s legacy is not only one of murder through thousands of killer drones meting out death wherever they go, but one of the death of thought, free speech and ultimately — the internet.

“What Obama has done to free speech is kill it dead utilising a bias-oriented justice system and governmental control. He has effectively put the gears forward to shut down free speech on the internet, and is now planning an even more erroneous putsch that will destroy freedom of expression completely. Plans are coming into place for a Chinese style thought control program called the “National Strategy for Trusted Identities in Cyberspace” which will force every internet user to completely give up their privacy, be labelled, and tracked even further than is usual by the NSA.

“Through the use of nefarious underhand soviet techniques of controlling journalism, threatening loss of earnings, and employment as well as undermining news organisations, Obama has been able to skew news in his favour in North America, even threatening to bring in FCC monitors into newsrooms. The Obama control machine has also actively controlled search engines for his own agenda of totalitarian control.

“The internet used to be an amorphous bubble of free thought, but under the Stalinist policies of the Obama administration, it has been stunted, raped and had its core eviscerated.

“Is there any hope for the internet now that it is so heavily controlled? The answer is, no. Thanks to Barack Obama it is finished.”

Note from the editor: This article may not be on here much longer or the Daily Squib for that matter.  Hail..freedom of speech!

Ukraine to Get Paid by U.S. to Stop Corruption

John Milton
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1
Ukraine to Get Paid by U.S. to Stop Corruption

 

“I am going to bribe..ahem..give you guys billions of dollars so you stop bribing and corrupting each other. This is going to be a big bribe so the little bribes stop altogether or don’t get noticed so much,” Joe Biden said as he handed a Ukraine official a brown envelope.

The unofficial rules therefore are: if it’s a very large sum of money, then it’s not a bribe.

Ukrainian officials today took the U.S. money, and proceeded to spend it as quickly as possible.

“We don’t have much time. Might as well get our kicks before the shit hits the fan and we lose the lot,” Varkov Sliminski told a local reporter.

Ghost of Bob Crow Photographed During Tube Strike

John Milton
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0
Ghost of Bob Crow Photographed During Tube Strike

Mavis Altringham, from Stepney, East London decided to take a picture this morning at Earl’s Court station, much to her astonishment she later found a ghostly image of Bob Crow on the digital photograph.

“I had to wrestle through thousands of people. One person fell on the tracks, lucky for him there were no trains. When I got to the top of the platform I took a picture of the mass of poor people huddled together in abject misery. I did actually think of Bob Crow as I was taking the picture, and lo and behold, when I looked at the camera later his ghostly image was there, sipping on some expensive wine. Looks like he’s enjoying himself in hell as much he enjoyed himself while he was still alive. Cheeky bugger, innit.”

Naturally the Daily Mail has published a full page spread of the amazing ghostly event.

If any readers have any more photos of Bob Crow’s ghost please send them in to: Bob’s Tube Strike Haunting Comp, P.O. Box 2343, Claridges Road, W1 7QW The winner of the photo competition will receive a crate of 2005 Château Pétrus

Ukip, Wekip, Theykip

John Milton
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Ukip, Wekip, Theykip

 

Naturally the Squib was up on the whole Ukip thing a while back, and our words then, seem to be coming true now.

Here’s a brief guide on the political parties:

1) Conservatives – Certainly enterprising, they’re good for making money, but you have to play by their rules. Cammo is a europhile, and will do anything to get us into the EU single currency.

2) Labour – Socialists of the highest order. Good at spending taxpayers money we don’t have, will increase taxes to impoverish everyone and increase our debt burden again through unfettered spending, look at France’s Hollande as an example, and Gordon Brown. Miliband is not only a europhile but a Marxist pinko commie, just like his dad.

3) Lib Dems – Nothing. Absolutely nothing..

4) Ukip – Wants out of Europe, send the fuckers home, the lot of them, even the ones born here. Farage seems to talk with a brutish honesty when it comes to mass immigration into this tiny island. Appeals to people with some form of common sense. Not very friendly to ‘darkies’ though, as for economic policy, well if everyone who wasn’t meant to be in Britain left tomorrow, the economy would boom. The world is a very large place, and Europe is not everything when it comes to trade. Keywords, manufacturing, manufacturing, manufacturing. It’s just a case of exiting one totalitarian state for another — the soviet EU for Ukip.

5) None of the Above – It’s all a load of bollocks and a sideshow to keep the masses entertained. Elections don’t solve anything because the same people behind the scenes are always still in charge and dictate all policy. Democracy, in the modern sense does not exist in the UK, EU, or US. Best to leave it all alone eh..

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