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Homeless Michelle Obama’s Plea For Help

Larry Ventricle
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Homeless Michelle Obama’s Plea For Help

Former FLOTUS, Michelle Obama has been photographed for the first time in months after being made homeless in January.

She now lives in a sewer in Washington D.C. and has made an appeal to the nation through social media.

“After Barack was impeached, they kicked us out of the White House. He used up all the money in the country, so none was left. Barack became an angry drunk meth head and now walks the streets of Miami, as for me, I took my last multi-million taxpayer funded vacation then went to live in the sewers with all the rest of them. They treat me right here, sometimes I venture up, but I ain’t seen the sunlight for weeks. Scuse me, I gotta take a sniff,” Michelle then picks up a brown paper bag, and inhales sharply, she then vomits into a rusting tin can.

Reporters from MSNBC gave Mrs Obama a few pieces of cornbread, which she ate with gusto. How things have changed since the good old days.

Katie Price to Marry Skull Cracker

Larry Ventricle
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1
Katie Price to Marry Skull Cracker

 

The model, who thankfully cannot speak because the botox around her face has solidified, will announce her new marriage in a new tell-all book, one of many written by a team of chav-lit ghost writers.

Ms Price was seen entering Helmsford open jail last night to meet her latest husband but unfortunately emerged after only fifteen minutes with a black eye, fat lip and bruised silicon balloons.

“He’s the only man in Britain left that will ‘ave ‘er. She’s already ‘ad every chav from ‘ere to Scotland. She’s gettin’ on a bit, spittin’ out sprogs left right and centre from different chumps, yesterday she spit another one out on the kitchen floor. She said she didn’t even notice it, I had to clean up the mess, nah we got another one to look after, she’s never around anyway, too busy gettin’ stuffed,” Katie Price’s housekeeper told Ok magazine.

Meanwhile in Harley Street, police are searching for Dr. Alan Kutz, Price’s gynaecologist, who has since disappeared. He was last seen at a 2pm appointment with Ms. Price and no one knows his whereabouts.

Halal News: Everyone in UK is Now a Muslim

Larry Ventricle
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0
Halal News: Everyone in UK is Now a Muslim

 

“If you eat Halal meat you are adhering to the Muslim religious laws, therefore be a good Muslim now, do eat up your food, that’s a good chap,” Abdul Al-Haq, a Pakistani Muslim from Britain’s Good Cuisine Guide revealed today.

In fact it’s hard to find any meat in the UK now that is not Halal.

Hamza Khaleeq Elsingham, the UK’s Minister of Food, reveals that eating Islamic food is good for you: “You will feel closer to Allah every day. Don’t forget to eat up your greens also, of course you can still have your mushy peas and gravy.”

Some English citizens are however having second thoughts about the Halal meat, Beresford Smith, an accountant from Cricklewood, who is a devout Christian, told the Daily Mail: “I ate my cottage pie last night for dinner. In the morning, I noticed a large bushy beard had grown on my chin. I then had this irresistible urge to kneel on my carpet and pray to Allah. By 11am I was at Tesco’s looking for four more wives, my current wife Deirdre was not too happy about it, she’s a vegan.”

Underwater Banksy Painting Discovered Near Atlantis

Larry Ventricle
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0
Underwater Banksy Painting Discovered Near Atlantis

 

“I didn’t come here to see Atlantis, which some may consider the greatest of ancient civilisations to have existed, and most advanced to boot. It’s piffle, if you ask me, just a few columns, and the abandoned submarines are nothing to look at now. Just look at this Banksy, I’m going to take a photo, then maybe me and my mates might cut the chunk of rock out and display it in Shoreditch for a fiver a look,” Gerald Hibble, one of the divers on the scene told the BBC.

No one knows how Banksy sprayed on the mural depicting a rather unsavoury depiction of an ancient Atlantian receiving fellatio from a mermaid, but the deed has been done, so there is no point in speculating on the technical side of things.

“I’ve seen Banksy, he has a particularly large head, which he tries to hide with an over sized hoodie. This makes me believe that Banksy, could be an Atlantian hybrid of some sort. It is known that the inhabitants of Atlantis had very large skulls, bigger than standard humans. Their oversized skulls housed large brains, they were innovators of all technology and science, and had very advanced psychic skills. After the tragic loss of their civilisation, they successfully melted into the general human herd, and are now our leaders. Not ‘leaders’ that are visible to humans now, but many levels above that,” professor Jeremy Smartson, from Oxford University revealed to the BBC.

Banksy’s Atlantis will be shown on BBC 8 tomorrow in a special two part series.

Putin: “I Should Have Moved My Money Out First”

Larry Ventricle
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3
Putin: “I Should Have Moved My Money Out First”

 

“I’m only ordering a temporary move away from the border, because the Swiss bankers have gone and told the Yankee swine where my stash is kept. I thought it was hidden well enough but they seem to have located it. Now, there will be a temporary reprieve, but once I get my money to a safe zone, then it will be back to business,” a rather worried Putin told the Duma on Wednesday.

Turning the screw

Things were bound to get a little personal, and Obama’s advisers certainly have done the trick with this one.

Putin can console himself that he has managed to make Obama look like a rank amateur, however next time Vlad, move the money out first.

EU Directive 3459-1564B Now Makes it Compulsary to Watch Eurovision Song Contest

Larry Ventricle
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1
EU Directive 3459-1564B Now Makes it Compulsary to Watch Eurovision Song Contest

“Ve haff just finalised the new directive which will come into place tomorrow. You haff to vatch ze Eurovision Song Contest if you live in ze EU. Ve vill be monitoring all homes in ze Britain (sector 24) especially, and if ve find someone not watching, zey vill get ze necessary punishment.”

It is not clear what punishment will be given for not watching the Eurovision contest or how it will be enforced by the EU, but some fear it could be severe, like being forced to watch every Eurovision song contest from 1956 onwards in one sitting whilst strapped to a chair with your eyelids taped open and massive headphones glued to your ears.

This year’s political voting session will be held in Copenhagen, Denmark. It will be interesting to see how many points Ukraine gives to Russia, and Greece gives to Cyprus. United Kingdom Nul points.

You will watch it and enjoy it.

Why Avoiding the Daily Squib Could Kill You

Larry Ventricle
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0
Why Avoiding the Daily Squib Could Kill You

People who never read the Daily Squib are twice as likely to die than those who read it everyday, a major study has shown.

Researchers at the Lewinski Institute in Poland claim guidelines which advise people to steer clear of any form of satire, especially the tripe vomited from the Squib, may be harming the population, particularly in countries like Britain.

Exposure to articles from the Daily Squib is often cited as a cause of a curious form of maladjustment and provocation. The media currently recommends avoiding overexposure to extreme forms of satire to prevent any form of actual consciousness.

But the new research, which followed nearly 50,000 men and women over 10 years, suggests that readers who stay away from the Daily Squib are at increased risk of stupidity and are twice as likely to die from any cause, including getting run over by a milk float on a beach.

“Satire exposure advice which is very restrictive in countries with low satirical Squib intensity might in fact be harmful for your health.

“The mortality rate was increased two-fold among avoiders of Squib exposure as compared to those with the highest Squib exposure habits.”

It is thought that a lack of satire may be to be blame. Granted, reading the Daily Mail, and such is almost akin to satire, but it’s not meant to be. That’s meant to be real, for fuck’s sake.

Prof Zbgfgi Dzpjkn, Professor of Satire at St. Bungo’s, University of Prattel, said: “The findings support the consensus that the ideal amount of satire exposure for Northern Europeans is ‘a little’, rather than zero.

“As the authors comment, our bodies need satire to make essential decisions, which can help us resist some mainstream controlled media news sources conditioning people to believe propaganda. Those who normally avoid the satire are advised to take Daily Squib supplements.”

The research was published in The Journal of Satire, but then pulped after being deemed as too dangerous, however we have recovered some of the material for your perusal and ultimately health. Live long and prosper, as some pointy eared git once said.

Russell Brand Ditzy Rascal Paradigm Shift in A-Levels

Larry Ventricle
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0
Russell Brand Ditzy Rascal Paradigm Shift in A-Levels

 

Dere iz a paradime shit in da A-levels dis yea cuz Rusells Brand n ‘is m8 Ditzy Rascals iz gonna b doin da eNglish A-levels innit.

Forgit bout english classiks likk Shakkaspear n Chaucie or wot bout Werdswort? Inda english exams u will b given 3 hours 2 complte a paragraf of werds. Soz but nah cheeting lik brinin ur iphone or anyfink.

Its best if u try a bit of revisin mayb 4 half n hour b4 da exam.

All candy da8s will get an A++ cuz at leest u tried innit.

Shakespeare Was an Ethnic Minority Claims Ukip Historian

Larry Ventricle
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0
Shakespeare Was an Ethnic Minority Claims Ukip Historian

“He had a beard, talked funny with some weird sort of lingo, not really English is it, a bit like a Muslim and he also knew about other countries in the world? That’s proof enough for me, could’ve been a dego, or something,” the Ukip historian said at a recent Ukip rally.

The historian also claims that William Shakespeare’s family settled in Stratford Upon Avon only after dodging Tudor immigration officers and that his father, John, (real name: Zoltan Petrescu) was a Romanian gypsy thatched roofer who worked nights in a chicken farm in Surrey. There are also some clues, the historian claims, in a few Shakespeare drafts which have never been published and are purported to show the turmoil Shakespeare went through as an illegal immigrant.

Illustration credit: Mattias Kronstrand http://www.kroma.se/
Illustration: Mattias Kronstrand

“To be English, or not to be English: that is the question: Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune or to be stuffed in the back of a hay cart bound for immigration, Or to take arms against a sea of Polski Skleps, And by opposing end them. To dine: to eat; Romanian cabbage soup; and gristled meat, The heart-ache, and the thousand natural shocks of being discovered O how we weep To dine, to eat; chips and bacon butties: perchance some brown sauce: aye, there’s the pub”

Jobseekers Need to Sign On Every 32 Seconds Says Duncan Smith

Larry Ventricle
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0
Jobseekers Need to Sign On Every 32 Seconds Says Duncan Smith

 

Anyone who receives jobseekers allowance will have to sign on at their local job centre every 32 seconds. There will be timers on desks and also clocks on every wall ticking away with audio chimes every 32 seconds in a 24 hour period.

If jobseekers do not keep to the timing schedule they will be punished by having their benefits docked for a six month period. If the discrepancies in time keeping continue then all benefits will be stopped and they will be given a zero hour contract job whether they like it or not.

Mr Duncan Smith’s department have also been busy recruiting extra staff and time keepers to oversee the massive operation.

One jobseeker from Frantingham Barley in Yorkshire was incandescent about the new scheme which is called ‘123 Go!”

“I live 10 miles away from my nearest job centre, this means I’ll have to spend money on a sleeping bag, running shoes and a stop watch. I can’t afford food or a bus fare. A pox on you Smith.”

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