17.7 C
London
Sunday, December 28, 2025
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 560

How Turkish Politicians Treat Their Voters

0

 

“Well, it’s no secret that we would so, so much want to do the same in Britain, but it would sort of go against all the laws we have here in this country. Maybe we could rustle up a few changes to the law in the next parliament session,” an admiring Conservative MP for Bridleswaide, Arthur Cone, told the BBC.

The photograph of a Turkish politician kicking a downed flailing voter was shown in parliament yesterday, and the sounds of admiration emanating from the British MPs confirmed to news crews that such behaviour is truly desired and respected.

Well, come the next election, quite a lot of MPs will themselves get a good kicking, in the UK and most probably in dictatorial Turkey.

Think Tank: ‘Don’t Blame Snowden Blame Yourselves’

0

 

“First of all, there is no one else to blame but the agencies who are collecting data from citizens irrespective of their status. Secondly, these agencies were to blame for allowing the leak to take place in the first instance. Don’t you vet your operatives? Aren’t there controls in place for your secretive work? Therefore, we come to the conclusion that the necessary precautions by the intelligence agencies were not adhered to in the proper manner, and the blame firmly falls on them,” some senior researcher revealed in a recent report.

“The blame should not be on Snowden’s shoulders for revealing that every citizen is tracked, their data logged and their private conversations recorded. If one is to analyse the current global situation, one would see that Snowden’s deed actually sped up whatever plan is in place. This makes us come to an alternative conclusion, maybe Snowden was part of the plan all along. Remember that war is a wonderful opportunity to exact plans quickly, plans that may have taken decades to come into fruition. The Hegelian Dialectic at work, wherein the chaos is engineered and out of that, a solution is unveiled. We shall have to see what is in store, but presumably it will involve an economic depression so deep that civil unrest will ensue, and people will beg with open arms for salvation from their misery — cue the solution.”

Are You Eating Halal Eggs?

0

 

Halal eggs are used in pretty much everything from your mayo to the chocolate cake you stuffed into your salivating mouth yesterday.

“I had an omelette this morning and then whilst on the train proceeded to read my copy of the Daily Mail. To say I was horrified at what I read would be an understatement. I realised that my omelette was made from halal eggs. I immediately stuck two fingers down my throat and vomited over the person next to me on the morning commute from Oxford,” Reggie Sanders, 56, a company director, told the Evening Standard.

Halal eggs are created by chickens who lay eggs in the Islamic fashion. They are first blessed by an Imam, then they are told to submit to God whilst laying their eggs. Factory farms across the UK all have resident Islamic priests who recite the Koran to chickens before they lay their eggs. The chickens also have to face Mecca and if they refuse are sent to be slaughtered, in the halal way of course.

This begs the question, what about Easter Eggs? Well, you think they’re Christian eggs, but they’re actually halal eggs squirted ritually from the bottoms of hens and painted like Easter eggs.

Nigel Farage of Ukip has vowed to  ensure all eggs in the UK are Ukip eggs when he wins the next election, seeing as he was unceremoniously yoked by a deadly halal egg on a recent walkabout.

David Miliband Comes Back to Cheer Brother to Election Victory

0

David Miliband flew in from New York this morning, and was greeted at Heathrow by his brother, Ed.

“They hugged each other even though there was a rather unsightly knife still sticking out of Dave’s back. I don’t know how he managed to sit in economy with that thing lodged firmly between his shoulder blades. He looked slightly drained, mind you,” an airport worker told the BBC.

David, will be staying in Ed’s spare room for his two week holiday, where he will assist in the big Labour campaign.

Speaking to reporters Ed Miliband was happy that his brother had put any animosity behind him and chose to support him to election victory.

“I am glad my brother has come back from exile for a few weeks. The knife is still firmly lodged in his back, but I told him it was all for the good of the party. This is how I will run the country when I become prime minister. You will listen to my whiny nasal voice from loudspeakers everywhere, and I will remind you what a ruthless git I am on a daily basis by bringing out a new law every thirty seconds inhibiting your freedoms further. Now good day, and fuck off. I’m taking my brother to a Labour meeting where I can parade him and his stabbed back around to the party elders and show ’em my handiwork.”

Experts: Countdown to Economic QE Armageddon

0

 

Writing in the Business Illuminus paper published quarterly, maybe it’s time to get suited and booted before the whole shit house goes up in flames.

“Eighty-five billion – at best an unorthodox number to start a countdown, but perhaps the disruption of the time-honoured 10, 9, 8… was well overdue. Whatever the case, next month the US Federal Reserve is already expected to announce number thirty-five billion. In response to post-recession economic stagnation, each month of last year the Fed pumped $85 billion into the US economy via its quantitative easing (QE) program. In December the Fed cut its monthly asset purchases to $75 billion, and has been gradually tapering ever since. In fact by the end of the year we should get to zero – how very exciting – and then what? Well you don’t have to be prescient to know that there are only two possible outcomes:

Outcome I – Over the summer, bankers decide to celebrate with some good old-fashioned frivolous lending, and why not? They are backed by a few trillion Dollars in QE generated reserves at the Fed. They remember the euphoria of lending, the unabated energy and the incredible confidence that it inspires. Banks go on a lending binge leveraging their Fed reserves. Suddenly there is so much money in the system that the Dollar is worthless. Hyperinflation sweeps through the nation, and the Dollar to Euro exchange rate settles at 4.2 trillion to one. Civil unrest forces a radical regime change, which spawns a global conflict, and finally results in World War III. Only the drones survive WWIII.

Outcome II – The end of the year comes too soon taking liquidity with it. The Fed underestimates the weakness of the labour market, and overestimates economic growth. We hit zero, and dejectedly wave goodbye to QE. Money dries up, including welfare resources that are long gone. The lack of consumer spending causes businesses to slash wages of the fortunate few, and lay off the rest. Unemployment skyrockets to 27%, and the US becomes a nation of nomads traversing the country on rumours of jobs. The sanitation system breaks down precipitating the pervasive spread of a new disease. Those infected mutate into zombies with an insatiable hunger. Movie stars remain just that, no vaccine is discovered, and we finally have a zombie apocalypse.

“We can be so sure of one of these occurring because someone has to be right and someone has to be wrong.  The great recession brought us much debate about economic policy – i.e, government intervention versus letting the free market take care of itself. So now the only redeeming factor about the end of the world is that we will finally know who was right. For a brief moment in time either the free market champions or the interventionists will enjoy incontrovertible validation. As the drone flies by the window free marketers can happily go into the light knowing the government helped too much. Alternatively interventionists can alleviate the pain of a zombie bite with the knowledge that the government didn’t help enough. Not a bad consolation prize.

“Speaking hypothetically now if by some chance the world does not end, the only thing we can be certain about is that each party will interpret any economic stability as a justification for its economic philosophy. Post QE the free market folks will aver that we would be in a much better position had the markets decided our fate, and the interventionists will boldly claim that with a bit more help we would be flying.

“With rumours of Chinese property bubbles, and the unrest in Ukraine as Russia eyes incursions further into Europe, the augurs do not bode well for a world economy addicted to fake money and consumers still drunk on credit. Are you prepared for the zombie apocalypse in a zombie global economy?

“If you have any money left now — start spending.”

Inconsequential Celebrity is Having Another Baby

Celebrity sites were awash today with news that another irrelevant celebrity is having a baby.

“This is very important news. You have to see the pictures to believe them,” some moron from TMZ said.

In other news, the world is still going round and round.

Check: Russia China Gas Deal Game Changer Seals West’s Fate

0

Obama’s little plan to freeze Russia out of the oil market by flooding it with cheap oil may have just backfired. Russia’s response was to simply bypass the West completely with a lucrative China gas deal.

“This winter, in what remains of the Ukraine, you better be dug in real good with a fire constantly on the go, because there won’t be any gas from Russia coming any time soon,” a Russian oil and gas contractor told RT news today.

What about Britain and the rest of Europe? Well, let’s say if you think your gas bill is high now, prepare for next winter when prices rise by 6,000%. Soon we’ll be burning wood from our bannisters to keep warm. Hope you don’t forget the imminent interest rate rises to spice things up even further.

Who’s to thank for this debacle? Well, if the US and EU hadn’t caused a coup d’état in Kiev for their own expansionist reasons, we wouldn’t be on the brink of war right now.

New Startup ‘Morsecoder’ Takes Internet by Storm

0

Al Blahnik, 21, has come up with a social media startup that really has people buzzing.

“I had the idea while I was watching an old World War 2 movie. They were using Morse code to communicate. Well, slap me with a twitter twat, the light bulb in my head shattered all over my subcortical network,” Blahnik revealed from his Manhattan condo.

The concept is so very simple. Users need to get a Morse code machine, then connect it up via a wire to a radio, and that’s it. No NSA, no internet or anything.

Oh, and only one last thing, you need to learn the Morse code alphabet before you begin. Morsecoder is also a great way to meet new friends and have a really social time. Every day, the top Morsecoder communications are Morse coded to a central office in New York, where a daily Morse bulletin is repeated and relayed to specific stations across the globe.

morse-code

Blahnik’s company is already worth $23 billion and when they introduce morsevertising next year, they are set to compete with the big boys like Farcebook and Twitter. Social networking dominator, Mark Zuckerberg, has made some offers to buy the company up thus destroying any direct competition but was denied.

Happy Morsing kids.

Cameron: “The Economy is Doing So Great We Have to Raid Your Bank Account”

0

David Cameron this week revealed the great news that the UK’s economy is doing so well that the government needs to go into peoples’ bank accounts and raid them.

“Yes, the economy is shooting upwards every day. Our deficit is still £1.3 Trillion and rising daily with vast benefits, NHS bills. We hope you don’t mind that we have to go into your bank accounts and take out whatever money is left there after you’ve already paid the massive tax bills in this country,” Cameron was quoted as saying in the New Telegraph newspaper.

Taxation in Britain is amongst the highest in the world, that is unless you are a multi-billionaire or corporation who can do special deals with HMRC. With fuel tax at 85% of the price of petrol, fuel duty in the UK is an enormous revenue spinner for the government, and yet it feels the need to introduce draconian laws allowing raids on private bank accounts. Where is all the money going, you may ask?

Orville Melchard, 53, a businessman from East Sussex said: “They keep talking about entrepreneurs, however it is nigh on impossible to start a business in the UK with the inhibitive taxation system that punishes innovation. Success in Britain, is something that one can only achieve by hiding your money under a mattress.”

There is some good news though, Take That, the insipid banal boy band are now being lumped with a £30 million tax bill for utilising tax avoidance schemes. This news alone, is worth its weight in gold, so there is always a silver lining to any mucky cloud.

Eurovision Contest Results Confirm to Putin Why Europe Must be Crushed

Vladimir Putin, was watching the results of the Eurovision Song Contest last night and what he saw confirmed his plans to once and for all overrun Europe with even more incursions.

“I saw some beautiful Russian young ladies last night singing songs that were beaten by a pseudo-Bond themed bearded freak composite. This confirms to me that the EU’s homosexual agenda of total ritualistic New World amalgamation is well in place, and it goes against the biological human race as a whole. If this is allowed to continue, we are all doomed. Therefore, to prevent any further bleed and damage I have prepared a multi-tiered incursion into Belarus, Estonia, Latvia, Finland, Sweden, Lithuania, Moldova, and we will take all of Ukraine of course. We will be on Norway and Germany’s doorstep in no time, as the minor countries are nothing but a distraction. My two Russian beauties, how could the EU troglodytes boo against such beauties, their song full of love, and what man could refuse the beckoning call as they kneel before you with their pert open mouths singing sweet lullabies?”

Russian Troops

The Eurovision Song Contest was another egg on Vladimir Putin’s face but he will have the last laugh, prepare for war.

Someone was overheard saying in the background, “Hang on Vlad it’s only a stupid euro song comp” before a gunshot sounded.