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Prince Charles Thinking of Sending Harry to Russia to Beat Up Putin

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Prince Charles is thinking of sending Prince Harry on a covert mission in an Apache helicopter to blow that Russkie commie Vlad to vodka purgatory.

“One has come under an extraordinary attack. It’s a good thing for Vlad that he doesn’t drive through Parisian tunnels, ahem. Anyway, I put forward my vodka snorting son Harry to pilot an Apache helicopter to Moscow and blow that Vladdy fool from his throne once and for all. Vlad’s a Nazi you know, and our family has never had anything to do with those sorts of people,” the Prince said whilst raising his spoon, and cracking another egg at breakfast.

Won’t the Nazis ever get along with the Nazis? This charade is like history repeating itself.

Cameron Agrees to EU Referendum

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The announcement was received with cheer across the country, and school children travelled far and wide to Downing Street to leave presents for the PM.

“Well, I’ve listened to the people and they want their voices heard. We do actually have a democracy in this country, and the people wanted a referendum, they shall have it now. The EU is incompatible with Britain, and even though I acted like a traitor and treasonous weasel before, I want the best for our nation. This is why the proposed EU referendum of 2017, which was never going to happen anyway, will in fact be put forward to June 2014. If you’ve planned your summer hols, you’d best cancel them. This one’s important,” Mr Cameron said from 10 Downing Street.

Tory polls went through the roof on the wonderful news, leaving Ukip and Labour behind. The announcement will ensure a guaranteed election win for Cameron.

Street parties will be announced all over Britain next week, and there will be an extended Bank holiday of ten days.

White Dee Takes Jade Goody’s Place

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White Dee, she of Benefits Street, has officially taken Jade Goody’s place in the bucket fame stakes.

“There’s always a special place for the Jade Goodies and White Dees inhabiting the shallow faeces ridden UK celebrity circuit. It’s a place of Z list undeserved fame, inhabited by septic banal chavettes who have some quality that the public like in some way. Either way, I stand to make a lot of money from this fat sow,” Dee’s agent, Miles Dabadow, told the Sun.

Expect to see this thing plastered all over the media for a very long time. Blame Channel 4.

New House of Commons Lifeguard Raises Some Eyebrows

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MPs at the House of Commons swimming pool were left with an eyeful as new lifeguard, Charlotte Johnson, 35, turned up to save a few right honourable gents from drowning in the pool.

“Funny old thing though, instead of saving the flailing Labour MP for Grantchesterton, this lifeguard seemed to revel in dunking the poor blighter with her massive feet. Then we saw that former London mayor chap, Livingstone in trouble at the deep end. She lovingly threw him a life vest weighed down with bricks,” an anonymous source revealed.

boris leslie lifeguard

Ms Charlotte Johnson, 36-29-38, has been quite a hit at the House of Commons pool and is now set to become an MP, stating she wants to transfer some of her delicate life saving skills to parliament.

Russian Sanctions: “All Americans Could Be Living Like the Amish Soon”

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As Obama foolishly baits the bear with sanctions, confiscations of wealth and other sundries, he’s only causing more damage and chaos to America.

“All Russia has to do is stop all uranium deliveries to America. That’s it, lights out, finished. Russia is the main controller of uranium and rare earth metals, which are crucial to running America’s power stations. Over night, literally the majority of the country would be plunged into darkness, electricity prices would sky rocket. Imagine being in a hospital about to undergo a life saving operation when all the lights go out,. People just don’t realise that what Obama is doing is playing with fire,” Herb Winters, a strategic expert told news outlets, Monday.

Looks like the Amish were right all along. This could be a good thing for Americans, because the Amish are masters of living within their means, unlike the rest of the population.

The other positive side of rolling blackouts is that Obama’s global warming agenda may be finally realised as Americans will not be using as much power any more — if at all.

Unfettered EU Immigration: Finding Some Space in Britain

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Britain has a very limited land mass, and its roads, hospitals, schools and welfare system are woefully inadequate when it comes to the vast influx of people from the EU and Third World.

With the massive EU immigration into Britain there will soon be no space, and it will only get worse as time goes by.

The roads and transport systems will not cope with the sheer volume of traffic, and with little money for repair, will crumble.

Not only will there not be any space, but there will not be many jobs left, and hospitals will have to close down because of low resources. Schools will have to have class sizes in excess of 70, and the welfare system will not be able to service millions of people who are unemployed.

This is the nightmare dystopian future that lies ahead for Britain, as the unfettered immigration continues without showing any signs of stopping.

It is not racist to want to stop the torrent of economic migrants from the EU, it is simply a matter of physics.

Space is a serious point to make, because after the last green field is bulldozed and builders construct high rises over the hills and babbling brooks, it will be too late.

In twenty or thirty years time, as the millions of migrants breed and breed, there will not be any wildlife left in the former UK, all of Britain’s treasured fauna and flora will have been destroyed.

You cannot change a thousand years of glorious history in one moment.

If you value your land, you know what to do.

This was not a public service announcement but an emergency appeal and a call to action.

Michael Jackson Now More Popular Dead Than Alive

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Record company bosses have come up with an amazing money making ploy that will ensure money in their overflowing coffers, even if their artists die.

“Holographic touring. If the artist dies, we don’t want music sales to waiver and slowly die off. We need to eke out every penny from these performers even when they’re dead. Not only that, we don’t have to deal with all their crap when they were alive, this is the best thing that ever happened to the biz. Michael Jackson did us a real service,” Miles Gardner, an executive of Sony records told Billboard.

Expect to see up coming holographic tours of many other dead artists in the future. The devil sure works in mysterious ways..

Ghost of Our Past: “Why Should Britain Have to Ask For Anything?”

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“Please, we would like to ask permission to adjust our own laws in our own country. Can we ask you to please give us permission to do so? We would also like to ask permission to maybe control our supposedly sovereign borders, if that’s okay with you?” the grovelling MP said before slinking into a corner cowering like a beaten mongrel.

And then, something rose up above the desk, it was a ghost from Britain’s glorious Empirical past. The commanding voice boomed out across the BBC studio shattering one of the monitors with its sheer power.

“You do not have to ask permission from anyone to do anything in your own bloody country. Do not ask permission again. Do you bloody well hear me?”

As of yet, no one from the BBC or anywhere else has been able to explain the ghostly intervention.

Think Tank: The Core of Britain is Race Concentric

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Anyone who claims that Britain’s core is not racially concentrated is deluded says a new think tank paper.

“Quite simply put, there is a very good reason why there has never been a person of dark skin tone as Prime Minister of Britain, because the core institutions within this nation follow a rigid racial lineage. The same applies to British entertainment, advertising and commerce.

“The emergence of political parties like Ukip simply mirror what the core English population believes. The socialist left may pretend to not be racial however, one only has to look at their former leaders and you will not see a dark face in sight. The Conservatives, may have a few tokens here or there as MPs, however their roots lie not only amongst class lines but racial lines. The armed forces and Intelligence services are all geared to preserving the core racial lineage and there has never been a dark person in charge, as is the case in the police services.

“As for London, which is now a multi-racial cooking pot, possibly going into a boil, if one looks at history, one will see that London has always been a magnet for the whole world to congregate, but tensions are rising daily as the English feel disenfranchised in their own capital city and White Flight occurs. Queen Elizabeth I even had a few words to say about the influx in 1596, her majesty issued an “open letter” to the Lord Mayor of London, announcing that “there are of late divers black-moores brought into this realme, of which kinde of people there are allready here to manie,” and ordering that they be deported from the country. One week later, she reiterated her “good pleasure to have those kinde of people sent out of the lande” Finally, in 1601, she complained again about the “great numbers of Negars and Blackamoors which (as she is informed) are crept into this realm,” defamed them as “infidels, having no understanding of Christ or his Gospel,” and, one last time, authorized their deportation. It is true to say therefore that London has always been a contentious part of the country for the English.

“The influx of white Eastern Europeans into the country will be congratulated by many Britons in the future, as not only are most of them white, but they are Christian and deeply racist. This is a vast difference to previous influxes of former Commonwealth populations, and of course Third World nations, who are mostly viewed as untermenschen by the core English populations.

“To have someone like Sajid Javid claim that he has passed the Tebbit test is in itself ridiculous. First of all, he may presume to be integrated and tick all the boxes, but the core English population will never see him as one of them simply because of his skin colour and his name.

“The United Kingdom is ‘ruled’ by the British Royal family, whose bloodline is linked directly to the Saxe-Coburg-Gotha and House of Hanover. The point being made here is that the British royal family is Germanic and of course even though they are imports, they are still racially pure and white. Therefore, the core of Britain is racially Aryan. To have a kingdom, otherwise would be deemed as madness for the British. You cannot ever be English if you are non white, that is the core of England.”

Ed Miliband Right Man For the Job Say Tories

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Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, and this is why Ed Miliband is the gift that should be accepted by the Tories with open arms.

“It’s too late for Labour to change tact with their leadership, so Red Ed, we want you to be the Labour leader even after the coming General Election, how about the next forty years?” a Tory MP said gleefully rubbing his hands together.

Can the electoral-system save Labour from Ed Miliband, well, even the in-built advantage may crumble with this gift horse at the helm.