17.7 C
London
Wednesday, January 14, 2026
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 445

8-Year-Old Unaccompanied Child Calais Migrant Says Thank You For Toys

1

 

One young child, speaking with a low voice said he was eight years old and had travelled all the way from Afghanistan to come to Britain so he could receive benefits, a flat and ‘plenty of English pussy’.

“I am only eight years old. Thank you for the toys. I play with them when I go primary school with other children of my age. I will drive to school in my BMW and leave one of my wife at home to cook for my three children, who will come later, thank you socialist peoples you are very generous.”

Amongst the 14 unaccompanied ‘children’ many over six feet tall, and with low baritone voices, was little Mohamed Abdullah, 10, from Peshawar, Pakistan.

“I am only ten years old. I need come Britain because you give free food, free money and free English women. I hear they do anything for you, just ask, and they do. Ooph, I’ve got blue balls. Haven’t had a shag in weeks. First thing I’ll be doing after primary school is visiting the local massage parlour for a good seeing to all paid for by the British taxpayer. I’ve also heard my primary school’s English teacher is a real looker, bet she’s never seen a ten year old like me before. Thank you for the toys, you stupid mugs, I’ll sell it on Ebay to a real child for profit. What a bunch of fuckin’ mugs, innit.”

Brexit any one?

After Many Years Britain Slowly Emerging Like an Abused Wife From a Terrible Marriage

1

 

Remainers are obviously masochists because they enjoy being abused, they enjoy being dictated to, and they enjoy paying 70% more for everything in the shops. They do not value sovereignty, freedom or the right to make our own laws.

Britain is slowly emerging from a period of creeping dictatorship and totalitarian EU rule spanning 40 years and coming into the light is hard for some people, they are used to their cosy prison, these remainers have no belief in Britain, they only believe in a Soviet EU construct where national borders are broken down completely and all national identity is lost.

Remainers do not believe in freedom, even though they do not want any borders, because their naive communist ideals do not realise the flood that will consume this country if the border is dropped. They do not realise that the NHS will not survive the deluge, or our schools, or our emergency services, our housing, benefits system, or our transport systems.

Slowly the curtains are being drawn, the sunlight of sovereign freedom hurts the eyes at first, but you will get used to it. The sun cleanses the soul, and global freedom for Britain to trade with who we want, not to be restricted by the EU protectionist closed shop, an uncompetitive racket serving only the interests of corrupt unelected EU officials.

If we have any sense of justice, we will completely eviscerate any form of treasonous attempts to thwart Brexit. After all, what has the EU ever done for Britain apart from imprison us in unjust laws and caused us untold grief economically through ridiculous punishing payments.

Remainers  want to deprive the sovereign of the Crown, they want to levy war against the sovereign “in order by force or constraint to compel her to change her measures or counsels, or in order to put any force or constraint upon or in order to intimidate or overawe both Houses or either House of Parliament”, and they want to “move or stir” foreigners to invade the United Kingdom or any other country belonging to the sovereign. Plain and simple, High Treason.

Embrace the light, let us move forwards to global heights and not be constrained to the narrow limited inhibitive torture of an EU prison. Break free from the shackles of EU totalitarian rule once and for all.

Britain deserves better than the corrupt restrictive shackles of the EU. Onwards..

Shami ‘Champagne’ Chakrabarti Unveils New Champagne Label

0

 

The mecca for champagne socialists everywhere, the Islington champagne socialist distillery will cater for the upwardly mobile socialists who pretend to care, but really don’t give a shit for the poor.

“Our champagne has a distinct taste fermented from the finest grapes imported from France, a particular region where champagne socialists thrive. Francois Hollande, we hear is a big fan, and whilst he sits in the Palais de l’Elysée he sips our champagne and talks about more socialist reforms and taxation,” Chakrabarti told left-wing Fabian rag, the New Statesman.

Besides sending her children to £45,000 per term private schools, Chakrabarti lives in a £3.8 million Georgian mansion replete with fine furniture and artefacts from all over the world.

“Shami Chakrabarti is the epitome of champagne socialism, but what is more troubling to many is how she persuaded someone to breed with her in the first place? She is now sending her brood to expensive private schools. The same children that some man I presume spawned with her. Who the fuck would even try such a thing? We are truly living in an insane world when some jumped up leftie feminist champagne socialist bitch, who frankly looks like an effete man can get knocked up,” a man at a bus stop outside Chakrabarti’s mansion said before six empty buses all turned up at the same time.

Trump Caught Talking Dirty to Farm Animal

1

 

 

The already controversial Donald Trump may have this time stepped too far even for most Americans.

In addition to talking about blatant abuse towards women, the Trumpster was this time caught talking dirty to a sheep at a Wyoming farm show during an impromptu election campaign stop.

The shocked farmer is still receiving counselling after the brief altercation.

“He came over and he saw Dolly. She’s my pride and joy. That’s when it got nasty.”

According to the former Republican voting farmer, presidential candidate Donald Trump could not keep his little fat hands off Dolly.

“Grab her by the ears!”

“His [Trump’s] eyes literally popped out of his head. He was in love. He said he wanted to take Dolly behind the presentation display board so he could slip his **** inside Dolly. She was so fluffy he kept drooling, he wanted to grab her by the ears. That’s when I grabbed Dolly and ran for what seemed like ages before I got her to safety.”

Dolly the sheep in happier days
Dolly the sheep in happier times

The farm show was immediately halted by organisers after the harrowing incident and Trump with his entourage escorted back to their tour buses.

American animal rights group PETA, and several celebrities are outraged at the mistreatment of Dolly and are calling for Trump’s arrest for animal cruelty.

Many animal lovers within the Republican party are now disavowing Trump, in addition to millions of women.

Upon hearing the news, Melania Trump, a former sex worker from Eastern Europe, said she was ‘shocked’ but accepted Trump’s behaviour because he ‘pays the bills’.

Angry Bank Robbers Come Away Empty Handed After Deutsche Bank Raid

0

 

 

Herman Liepzig and his crew of four bank robbers were left fuming on Monday morning when they raided the Hamburg branch of Deutsche Bank.

“It was going to be a regular heist. First thing Monday morning. We crashed into the bank and told the cashier to open the vault. There was little or no resistance as the lady just handed over the key and told us to go for it. This bank we know has millions, so we opened the vault, and we only found a few euros. I felt so angry as we had been staking this joint out for weeks. All in all we got away with six euros and forty three cents,” a tearful Leipzig told German news channel ZDF.

The disappointed robbers were so shocked at the empty bank that they even lent the cashier twenty euros so she could get some food, as she had not had her wages paid for weeks.

“We lent her some money, she was hungry and on the verge of starvation. I can’t believe they treat their employees so badly,” another bank robber revealed.

The clueless bank robbers vow to prepare their next heist with more intricate planning and this may entail reading the news.

“We didn’t read the news, we just concentrated on the technical details. All we had to do was read the news about Deutsche Bank and we would not have hit it. I’m sure my local launderette has more money than that bank. Absolute disgrace,” Liepzig added from his hideout.

The Hamburg police have said they will not be pursuing the robbers but the CCTV footage was received with great laughter at the station.

Hans Gruber, Chief of Police said: “When they opened the vault and saw nothing there, it was something out of a comedy show. We Germans do not have a sense of humour but we laughed our fucking faces off at that one. It was like the Keystone robbers, they were running around like headless chickens opening empty boxes.”

DEFCON 3 : USA Steps Up to the Plate For Russian Threat

2

 

 

Thanks to David Cameron’s cutbacks on UK’s military, Britain is practically naked to the force knocking on our door.

Daily reports of invasive aerospace incursions by Russian bombers, or incursions by the Admiral Kuznetsov aircraft carrier, a Soviet era rust bucket that could still do some damage, accompanied by seven other naval craft are signs of intimidation that must be halted.

Theresa May must increase MoD spending immediately and Britain must increase its fighting and defence capabilities or things will get very hairy very soon.

Because of David Cameron’s cut backs, we don’t even have surveillance aircraft any more, such is the depth of decline caused by the former PM on our armed forces.

Meanwhile, America’s DEFCON warning system according to this site and numerous other sources has been upgraded to level 3. If it reaches level 1, then we have a full scale nuclear war on our hands. The last time the DEFCON defence system was at 3 was post the 911 attacks.

Due to tensions in Syria/Yemen with multiple nations fighting within the same zone, sooner or later there had to be a confrontation between Russia and America who both want the same piece of the pie.

Of course, most people do not care about this going on, especially when Come Dancing is such a hot topic on the mainstream media, so maybe it is in your best interests to simply go back to sleep and not worry your little mind on anything serious.

Go back to sleep. Remember, ignorance is bliss. Carry on watching your reality shows on TV and all the other awful banal dross that distracts from what is actually going on.

Experts: Unleash the Evil Clowns Explained in Full

0

 

 

“The clown is the symbolism of the rustic fool, the peasant fool, the fossor, and ultimately the pagliaccio of clumsy doddering foolery.

“The recent sightings of ‘evil’ creepy clowns across the globe is a symbol of nihilism, existentialism, and the transitional process from which the new age is being ushered in.

“A great Mason once foretold of unleashing the Nihilists and the atheists, and provoking a formidable social cataclysm which in all its horror will show clearly to the nations the effect of absolute atheism, origin of savagery and of the most bloody turmoil. Then everywhere, the citizens, obliged to defend themselves against the world minority of revolutionaries, will exterminate those destroyers of civilization, and the multitude, disillusioned with Christianity, whose deistic spirits will from that moment be without compass or direction, anxious for an ideal, but without knowing where to render its adoration, will receive the true light through the universal manifestation of the pure doctrine of Lucifer, brought finally out in the public view.

“We are now on the cusp of this episode, this era, this epoch which will manifest in total warfare. To change things fast, there has to be war and destruction, to obliterate the obsolete ways of the past and bring forth the new age.

“The religions are now being pitted against each other, as are the opposing political doctrines more so than at any time in human history. This will culminate in the desecration of all factions to bring forth a New World Order.

“A singular global religion, a singular banking system, a singular global state.

“Robotics and artificial intelligence will be the servant of the elite, and not the flawed worker as was in the past. Workers are not necessary for the future, as the post-consumerist age will be all encompassing.

“To achieve this goal, the global population will be reduced by 90%, and war accompanied with its pestilence shall achieve this targeted projection. From whence the population of the earth shall be heavily controlled at sustainable levels.

“The Stones in Georgia, the little messages received, posted symbolism, the twin towers falling are all connected to the clowns walking the streets today.

“There is but one singular choice the survivors will have. Embrace the New World Order or die. There will be no second chances, or remorse, or moral position to take, or mercy to give.”

Champagne Socialist Lily Allen Sells Her Four Luxury Homes to Live in Jungle

0

 

“It don’t matter that these economic migrants walked into France thanks to the Schengen zone and it is the French authorities’ responsibility to look after them, I’m a champagne socialist innit. I sold me four luxury homes, one of which was in Highgate, and anuvah in Primrose Hill. Nah, I wanna build a mansion in the jungle so I can watch over the migrants. I’ll be their camp boss, ya know like Schindler’s List, the camp head honcho who likes nothing but to shoot from his mansion on top of the hill. I’ll be their saviour a Mother Allen.”

Preparations have already been made for Lily Allen, and a team of Romanian gangsters, people smugglers and builders have accepted her cash to build her a nice little box in the jungle, it will have a corrugated iron roof, and a solid mud floor.

“She say she wanna be one of us. We build jungle mansion for her for good price. She give us the money, it now in Bucharest, and then I transfer to my account in Lake Lugano, and then we present her with her shack she want so bad. She gonna love it. We even install toilet for her, it nice hole in ground. She will never see her millions again. Stupid cunt, innit,” one of the jungle’s camp organisers revealed.

Well, that’s the end of Lily Allen then, and it couldn’t have come at a more opportune time. One can only hope she meets a terrible end in a few days or weeks, hopefully dysentery or a well deserved mugging replete with a full gutting session.

Theresa May Should Have Invoked Article 50 Within a Week of Her Becoming PM

0

 

 

The Daily Squib has been calling for the repealing of the 1972 European Communities Act since July, but nothing happened.

We have been calling for swift action in invoking Article 50 but nothing happened.

Instead, Theresa May was swanning around in Scotland chatting to Sturgeon, or having a jolly holiday in the Swiss Alps.

Whilst all this nonsensical talking and dilly dallying was going on this gave time for the Remoaners to establish High Court cases against Brexit, to cause further damage demanding parliamentary votes, and for the Scottish hate mob to threaten the UK with further blackmail.

During this period of dalliance and unnecessary cogitation, we find ourselves on the brink of disaster as today a High Court ruling falls in favour of the Remoaners and their treacherous bid to scupper the bid of the people and the Crown.

Theresa May has done little or nothing for Brexit, apart from utter meaningless words.

Let us be certain that if the people’s will is not adhered to, there may in the future be severe civil unrest, and possibly civil war in Britain.

The Remoaners are the minority and they must accept the vote of the people and adhere to Her Majesty’s royal prerogative.

Brexit will be Brexit one way or another. Through peaceful means or otherwise.

To return sovereignty to Britain should be our singular immutable task, and it must be done or the traitorous, treasonous quislings will sell us all off to the totalitarian EU once and for all.

Hard Brexit Will NOT Cost Britain £66 Billion Per Year

1

 

 

And, today, as predicted Project Fear has reared its ugly head once again. The dredged up nonsense from former Chancellor George Osborne, is another attempt by remainers (remoaners) to derail the Brexit as voted by the people on the June 23 EU Referendum.

Firstly, they are not factoring in the many lucrative global trade deals which will be acquired by Britain, and secondly they are not factoring in the cost of EU membership, as well as the myriad of fines and restrictions the EU sets upon Britain.

In 2015, the UK recorded a £67.7 billion deficit in the trade of goods and services with the EU, up from £58.8 billion in 2014.

All businesses in the UK are subject to restrictive costs put on their business even if only a small fraction of companies trade with the EU.

Brexit will open Britain’s trade up to the world, and it will not be restricted within the protectionist closed shop of the EU.

All this talking down Britain, is another attempt by the incessantly moaning remain crowd, a bunch of Marxist anti-Brits who would sell their own grandmother to the EU for the correct price.

The Remain people seem to enjoy totalitarian rule where everything is dictated to them, and where they pay £360 million per week to Brussels and are eventually conscripted into Juncker’s EU army.

Unfortunately, the Theresa May Cabinet, is made up of more remainers than Brexiteers and this is reflected in what is happening. The Treasury under rabid remainer, Philip Hammond is a lost cause.

HARD Brexit is the only way

A pox upon the remainers for you are treacherous traitors to Britain and its people. One can only hope for a civil war so these people, if you would like to call them that, could be thrown into the English channel where they can swim to France and leave Britain to get on with it.

Unless someone comes along who is a real Brexiteer, there will not be a departure from the EU in the near or long future. It is all talk and no action.

If you are a coward remainer, you have no faith, you have no belief in Britain. If you are a Brexiteer, you have faith and courage. You are strong, and you believe in Britain once again regaining its sovereignty and its right to sail the seas trading with whoever we wish.

We can move forward or backwards. Let us move forward, out of the EU jail house, and into the light.