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Sex Robot Prefers Washing Machine Over Human

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“These robots are meant to adore you and only you. That’s what the salesman told me. I brought her home that night and was immediately disappointed by its behaviour. Carla took one look at me, then told me I was a fat, balding, stinky human with the intelligence level of a cow, she then walked over to the washing machine and started stroking it seductively,” Baccarat recalled.

Luckily, we have consumer rights so Mr. Baccarat called the store from which he purchased the robot.

“They didn’t want to know. They just said the AI was working fine after a diagnostic, and that robots have their own rights too. They should be allowed to choose who they get turned on by as much as humans have a choice. This is when I took the case to the courts.”

The Courts of Justice, recently filed a new law giving sex robots, and any other robot working in human households as many rights as humans. In fact, there are laws being introduced by next year, 2045, that sentient AI robots will be allowed to vote in elections, and even start their own businesses.

Things are therefore not looking up for Mr Baccarat, who has now filed for his sex robot to be scrapped, but the request was emphatically denied.

Developing story

YouTube Snowflake Generation Killing Themselves Epidemic

 

This is the state of the human condition in the millennial era, where so-called ‘microaggressions‘ cause the death of countless snowflakes too fragile to cope with anything in real life.

The spoiled brats of Western civilisation are an indication of serious decline, these little fairies have been indoctrinated in socialist Marxist political correctness for so long that they don’t have a life any more, and their pathetic social justice projects are all that define them.

How does someone in the Third World look upon these idiots crying over their internet messages, or irrelevant twitter arguments. These words they spout are inconsequential in the scheme of things, and will be consigned to the hard disk of eternal purgatory never to be read ever again.

This is the problem with giving everyone a voice, everyone a channel to express their inane thoughts, and this is why the earth is now surrounded by a mire of shit conversation, inadequate nonsense and utterly pathetic bubbling detritus.

Warhol once said everyone would eventually have their fifteen minutes of fame, and he was unfortunately right, we are now living in a mass market conglomerate nightmare where low-IQ American kids are exploited and elevated to super stardom on YouTube, which equates to absolutely nothing in real-fame measure, however they think they are famous in their own sad little heads. Do they realise how they are being exploited for advertising revenue for the conglomerate? Who knows what goes through their frazzled internet driven minds? Who fucking cares?

 

Lest we forget the irrelevance of being famous in today’s squalid meat market, where it is hard to name any single one of these people or their accomplishments. To be famous today, is to be just another person in a crowd of many, and this is why it is better not to be famous or even aspire to be amongst the sad pieces of meat that spout their dumbed down low-IQ crap at the screen day in day out. They have absolutely no merit, what have they done, what have they accomplished?

The only stars today worth talking about are the exploiters, the Googles, the Facebooks, the conglomerates who exploit the human cow dung and make money from it. These are the stars, because they are making tonnes of money out of idiots and performing monkeys willing to kill themselves or each other for one second of internet fame.

Let the show go on, just that we don’t want to watch it any more..please…no more…Aaaargh!

Melania: When Donald Farts He is Always a Gentleman

 

“We were meeting the Saudi King when Donald let off a large ripping fart. We all waited for a second, then the smell wafted around. Imagine a bouquet of rotten eggs, sardines, mouldy cheese alongside curdling milk and fermenting sewage, and you get the picture. Naturally, my husband did the honourable thing and ignored it, whilst the Saudi King was seen retching and looking around wildly for an escape route.”

Mrs Trump, always the pleaser, also describes how her husband farts with such gusto in bed, that he actually stains the bed sheets, and they have to be changed every hour by White House cleaners.

“He eats the regular stuff. He has three or four steaks every day, lots of eggs and burritos by the dozen. We are not sure what is causing the problem as everything is organic and gluten free?” Melania Trump revealed in the interview.

With such a productive gut, there are concerns amongst White House aides on what could happen when the Trumps visit the Royal family in Britain in December.

“Royal protocol is rather strict however having a U.S President farting copiously in front of the Queen could be quite amusing and bring an air of comedy to proceedings. We are sure Her Majesty has seen and heard a lot more in her time, especially with the Duke and his legendary rippers,” palace spokesman, Giles Humble, revealed on Monday.

 

NASA: Elephant to be Taken to International Space Station

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“Booboo, is an African elephant and stands at 4m height. He will stay at the ISS for three weeks before coming back down to earth. We wish to measure many things about elephants in space, and to have such a large mammal up in space, how we can relate the mission to future Mars travel. Imagine having elephants on Mars or any other planet,” professor Gene Artnick, chief engineer of the mission told Reuters.

To lift such a heavy load into space is something the scientists at Los Alamos have been working on for the last six years, but have finally come up with the right rocket design after many failures.

“We had one elephant get to the stratosphere but the rocket failed for the last push. Good thing it had a parachute, but y’all gotta see an elephant in freefall. His ears were everywhere, and the parachute was huge, like half a football field,” another engineer on the project revealed.

axiom-core-attached-iss

Gregor Illorski, one astronaut at the International Space Station says he can’t wait for Booboo to visit.

“We have special compartment built, we have straw and lots of buckets he can poo in. At zero gravity we will have some problems especially when he piss, but we have designed a bag that will go over his private part. The waste product will be used to fertilize our plants we are growing.”

Elephants are renowned for their memory, and this will be one memory Booboo will cherish for the rest of his life when he comes back to earth.

Corbyn: “Next Election, Students Will Vote Three Times Each For Labour”

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Duped and brainwashed students who voted twice for Labour not only at their university polling station but at the constituency where they were registered as well, nearly lost the election for the Conservatives by cheating and breaking the law, however Jeremy Corbyn is urging them to repeat the process in the next election.

“I offered them free tuition fees and they flocked to me, even though I had no way of ever paying for the false promises. I still disrupted the scum Tories. Our Momentum Marxist group then told the students they could vote twice. They obeyed the orders and nearly took the election. Cheating in elections is permissible in revolutions, especially Marxist ones.,” Jeremy Corbyn told the leftist BBC from his dacha in Grimsby.

During the General election of 2017, Theresa May lost the Conservatives majority in parliament and was nearly toppled from her position as PM.

Many students, and low information voters were totally blinded by the promises of freebies by the lying Corbyn junta during the run-up to polling day.

“We won the election purely on the premise we disrupted the Tory majority. So what if we cheated, what are they going to do about it? Nothing. The next election we will ask students to vote three or four times each for Labour. Cheating is okay to get into power. Stalin, once said ‘by any means possible’ and so we shall do the same,” a Labour Momentum spokesman told the Guardian newspaper.

Retaliation: Google Could Show Juncker’s Search History

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“This works both ways. The EU wants to fine us for manipulating search results. Hey its our search, we have no constraints to what we can and cannot do. Hmm, let me see here, Jean Claude Juncker on the 22nd May 2017 at 03.42 Brussels time was searching for something to do with donkeys, we will not give the full details but it involves the animal and other players. Also, during an important meeting at the Commission Juncker’s mobile address was surfing some very colourful websites that would make even Guy Verhofstadt tremble. This is just a taster. More to come. You fine us, we give you back some Google medicine,” a Google spokesman told the EU Commission on Thursday.

Today at an EU meeting on the implications of the fine, Mr. Juncker was visibly upset, and projectile vomited a copious amount of cognac, an entrée of foie gras poché au vin rouge épicé avec le plat du jour. Dos de cabillaud, rôti caviar de courgettes, huile vierge herbacée, and complimented with an exquisite dessert of chocolat mousse caramel, fève de tonka et feuillantine.

Juncker, already under pressure from Brexit and the strains of the Italian and Greek economy, does not need this extra magnifying glass insight into his private penchants.

“We have EU army now. Does the Google know of this? They pay, and shut up. No more threats. We are dangerous right now, even more than before in 1935. Can they not see this, instead they make me upset. Look I vomit. Allez, we have to go back to the restaurant, my stomach is grumbling again,” the president gesticulated before being rushed away through corridors and a waiting luxury car.

 

Google to Fine EU For Totalitarian Soviet Attitude That Frankly Stinks

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“We are demanding that Brussels pays Google 4.9 billion dollars for being a bunch of totalitarian assholes,” some guy called Schmidt yelled from an emergency boardroom meeting on Wednesday

As for Larry and Sergey, they are set to make their own YouTube video on how the EU ‘sucks balls’ and is trying to dominate every facet of our lives.

“Have you seen the EU, they have thousands of laws and regulations for tooth brushes, pillowcases, and even shower curtains. What kind of a world do we have to live in where the tentacles of the EU reach into every facet of our lives? We’re American by the way. Who the hell is this EU telling us Americans what to do and fine us for that amount?,” an angry Mr Page said from his unregulated American exercise bike.

 

Queen Celebrates Royal Income Boost by Flying Her Favourite Spitfire Around Balmoral

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The Crown Estate made a whopping £328.8m profit last year, mainly due to those ‘ghastly’ wind farms the royals invested in.

To celebrate, the Queen took to her personal hangar, and plopped herself into her favourite Supermarine Spitfire, which she lovingly calls ‘Smithy’.

Squadron Commander, Benson Molyneux, trained Her Majesty only last year and was astonished at her natural flying skills.

“She took to the throttle like a baby does a bottle. Before we embarked on the first flight, the Queen asked if there were any Jerries we could shoot down? With a hearty laugh, I exclaimed that we could always make a sortie to Berlin or perhaps Brussels.”

Merlin

The Queen now flies her Spitfire whenever she feels like it, and has even taken her favourite Corgi, Willow, up into the clouds on occasion.

“One likes the feel of the Spitfire, especially when one is conducting a half roll loop at 300mph at 15,000 feet. Yes, one has stalled a few times, that was during my third flight, one was rather careless with one’s elevators which are very sensitive and one brought up the control column too rapidly during a loop. The aeroplane shuddered and one heard this clitter clatter sound much like Philip’s hip joints, bringing the left wing suddenly downward. One managed to recover relatively quickly by cutting the throttle, applying opposite rudder to the spin, moving the stick forward gently until the spinning stopped, then gently applying one’s throttle to level the flight. One was very cool and measured at that point, but one nearly made a poopy in one’s panty.”

image courtesy: ninj b3ta

Brexit Betrayal: Theresa May Must Be Ousted By Brexiteers Immediately

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Betrayal by Remainers

With a Remainer Chancellor, Remainer PM, and Remainer negotiators in the mix, anyone who thought Brexit would ever happen is sadly mistaken.

According to reports, the Remainer PM has tabled a deal so bad with the EU that Brexit might as well only happen by name.

Theresa May has extended the free movement of EU citizens to five years from the EU referendum, an extension of two years. This means Britain will not be able to secure its borders by late 2020/21.

The Home Office said it wanted to avoid a “cliff edge” in applications the day after Brexit, and so would grant a period of up two years’ grace for EU nationals who could demonstrate five continuous years of residence in Britain.

What the new ruling would do, is create a last insurgent rush from the EU, where another million or so would enter the UK. The cut-off point should happen immediately to thwart any such rush.

The Daily Squib is appealing to all real Brexiteers within the Tory government to immediately conduct a rearranging of deck chairs on the sinking Brexit ship, and is calling for Rees-Mogg, Redwood, Davis and Duncan Smith to do something about this mess fast before any more damage occurs.

What has happened to the Conservative party today? It is sickening to watch such a lilly livered bunch of wannabe socialists actually becoming socialists. Where the fuck are your balls?

Therexit NOW!

There must be a coup immediately. Code Red. Theresa May is not fit for purpose, she should be sent to the glue factory to be processed.

GO!

An apology to our readers and Theresa May. This article is wrong and is grossly misleading and hysterical in nature. Theresa May is in fact doing a great job at Brexit under the circumstances. The ex- Squib writer, Goebels Langoustine, is now working for the Evening Standard, where he belongs.

The Last Interview of Zbigniew Brzezinski: “War is Getting Closer”

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After our interview with the greatest living statesman, Henry Kissinger, we applied our attention to the democratic representative of global brinkmanship, the esteemed adviser to many presidents and brutal geopolitical chess master, Zbigniew Brzezinski. War is coming.

Sadly, after speaking to us, a week later, Brzezinski passed away peacefully at a hospital in Virginia on the 26 May. We respectfully held off publishing the interview as a sign of respect and a period of mourning.

Zbigniew Brzezinski may be construed as evil by many, but at the higher echelons of power, good and evil are semantic aspects of human society and morality. The upper echelons do not see things or actions as black and white, but more grey.

“You ask me about the future. All I see is war and conflict. How can this be, you say? Well, it is inevitable simply because of earth’s finite resources and the massive explosion of populations, especially in the Third World. Mass breeding in poor areas of the world only creates suffering, poverty, drought, unrest and pollution. The starting bell for World War III was on September 11, 2001, and since then countries have been scrambling to position themselves globally for the final showdown, the hot war, as we are entrenched in a cold, economic war through intermediaries and proxies.

“The most populous country in the world, China, wants every citizen to own a car, to live like the people do in the West. We are talking about 1.4 billion people. The pollution and waste that China produces daily is at an unsustainable level already, can you think for one second what it will be like when every Chinaman gets an automobile? The only positive I can find, is that many die early in China due to environmental pollution, but still their population grows at an incredible rate. China is now deep in Africa carving up the raw resources and taking as much as they can before it is all irreparably gone.

“Added to the equation, we have the United States, it makes up only 5% of the global population yet uses over 40% of the earth’s resources. We ourselves are fuelled by greed, and the need for constant growth at the expense of the rest of the globe.

“The European Union is hurriedly building their own EU army to counteract Russia as well as poke it with a stick, however I feel this will be too weak, and the Russian bear could easily cut through Europe like butter in a few days.

“The detestable Russia, brings forth even more certainty that war is coming, as they dig deep into Syria and the Assad regime, threatening our daily operations. By crossing the red demarcation line, the U.S. and Russia are now playing in the same sandpit, and sooner or later there will be a meeting. The restless Putin is preparing for a hot war (full nuclear strike) by building vast bunkers in Moscow and the Urals called the Yamantau complex, as they are prepared to absorb any strikes if need be.

“It is easier to kill one million people, than it is to control them”

“Meanwhile, Iran is building up its nuclear weapon arsenal with the help of the Russians and Pakistan, and it is no secret that Israel has had nuclear weapons for some time now. The purge will cleanse the Middle East of the undesirables, as the Zionists create a Greater Israel from the rubble.

“I, myself, have dreamed about seeing a New World Order established after the purging of the population, we call ‘useless-eaters’. The masses today are too awakened, too politicised and frankly this makes them very dangerous. The internet has helped the masses more than the elite, to gain some kind of foothold in knowledge, and I am against the people knowing too much or them being given a voice. I will sadly not see the new cities built from the ashes and bones of the billions who will die in the coming war.

eco-city conflict, military, battle, war

“We, the masters, the elite, have found the technological prowess to survive in the future with robotic slaves and AI, instead of the human slaves we have now. The post-consumerist society will be a technological-driven society where breeding will be heavily controlled. We have waited patiently to reach a certain level of technological advancement and even though we are close to the prize, we are not quite there. In the next decade, when we have created autonomous robots and life enhancing nanotechnology, the final purge will be called upon. For our future, technological cities will not be able to flourish and survive with a population of poor alongside it. Our goal is to reduce the population by over 90%, one can read this manifesto in the Georgia GuideStones, where the conspiracy theorists of the internet divulge their own theories about what is written in stone.

“The question always asked is which power will dominate the post-war landscape? We have the necessary technology to destroy those Russian bunkers by creating weaponry that explodes deeper into the soil and rock, and we have the technology to neutralise China, Iran and North Korea. We can even absorb a first strike, as collateral damage to us is a mere part of playing the big chess game. To lose cities like Chicago or New York is in fact a blessing, let the Russians do the work for us, the people do not matter, and they are only there as tax slaves. In the future there will not be any tax, or useless eaters. The only ones who will inhabit our future technological cities will be those who are useful to humanity.

“Alas, I will not see the future cities, or watch the glorious war and purge, but I have played a part in the creation of the great work, my life is complete.”

End of interview. Our reporter is ushered out of the hospital room by Brzezinski’s minder.