Here at the Squib we like to think we care for our readers, and this is why we are going to give you 10 tips you may find useful that will help you survive this coming winter when energy prices rise by over 90%.

10 Tips to Stay Warm in Winter

1. Wear 10 – 20 layers of clothes at all times, even in bed. Your clothes should preferably be made from the finest Scottish or Welsh sheep’s wool. If you can’t get wool, you can shave your cat or dog, if you still have one, and stick the fur with glue on any jacket. Also wrapping yourself with a layer of newspaper might make a difference but probably won’t.
2. Have a freezing cold shower in the mornings, as this will invigorate your system and warm you up naturally. If you show symptoms of hypothermia, or your toes fall off from frostbite, find solace in the fact that hospitals usually have their radiators switched on.
3. Build a fireplace if you already do not have one in your home. You can burn pretty much anything in a fire to make heat, including books from your library, furniture, and devalued pound notes that are now completely worthless bits of paper.
4. Run everywhere. You need a cup of cold tea? Run to the kitchen fast. You need to go to the toilet for a pee? Run to the toilet and back. Be careful not to trip up and do yourself an injury. Running everywhere will build up a sweat. Remember ‘elf ‘n’ safety’.
5. Stay in bed all day. That’s what the poor do in winter. Now that everyone will be poor, you will have to do that as well.
6. Get into fights. Yes, there’s nothing like a good punch up to bring up the heat. Don’t worry, if you get a few bruises or black eyes, because you’ll feel nice and warm from exerting yourself.
7. Commit a crime, so you go to prison. This one is rather open-ended, risky, but pays off well. In prison, the heat is on 24-hours a day. Plus, if you get gang-raped by the nonces that will further bring up the temperature, albeit with a sore arse to contend with. In British jails you get to play PS5 X-box all day in your cell, get tonnes of free food, as much drugs and booze as you want and everything is paid for by the taxpayer.
8. Try and escape Britain during the winter. If you have the ability or money to escape Britain, then exercise the means to do so. You could be on a beach in Phuket, Thailand with a drink in one hand and a Thai party girl you hired for the day on the other.
9. Have lots of sex. Yep, find someone to have sex with and do it for hours on end if you can manage that. Sexual activity certainly will keep you warm during the cold winter months.
10. Rub yourself with Vix vaporub every five minutes to keep warm. Watch out for your lower regions though because that stuff is like napalm if it touches your genitals.
11. BONUS TIP Get naked and jump into a field of nettles. If that doesn’t warm you up — nothing will.

What’s this price cap crap? They are now saying that energy prices will rise by 80% by October. Fuck that! Did you know that the British Isles hold ginormous amounts of gas reserves which can be tapped at will easily?

“Yes, we have vast amounts of gas reserves in the UK ready and willing to be tapped. It’s all located right here in the Houses of Parliament. After we tap all the MPs, there will be so much gas that it will be almost given away for free,” an honourable member of parliament revealed today.

Experts have estimated that one month of parliament could supply enough gas for the next 200 years for the UK.

How Will it be Done?

• Hoses will be fitted in the House of Commons and House of Lords.
• All MPs and Lords will be milked of their gaseous excretions directly from their arses and also whenever they speak.
• Pumping stations within parliament will then deliver the gas to households all across the UK.

Well, that solves the gas problem, but what about electricity?

“We’re still working on that. Any ideas anyone has, please forward them to us?” The UK’s energy regulator OFGEM spokesman, Butler Ohms, revealed on the BBC.