It seems the first and perhaps trickiest agreement (if any agreement is possible after that dinner – see below) in the upcoming Brexit talks is going to have to be on what food will be available during the subsequent meetings.
Hours after a Brussels summit in which EU leaders – some calling the UK’s stance “unreal” – again insisted it will have to settle up the ransom money they have concocted out of thin air before the UK will be allowed to leave the totalitarian EU state.
Meanwhile, members of the European Commission, a group of unelected technocrats, had other priorities on their mind.
“We must have agreeable French cuisine available at all meetings. Jean Claude-Juncker likes to not only have the best French haute cuisine and personal chef available at all hours of the day, maybe to rustle up a poularde roasted with caraway, tamarind jus, green lentils, turnips et cabbage, or a Challans duck, foie gras poached in Rivesaltes, avec some crispy pear. Hmmm délicieux..One must also not forget the obligatory jug of cognac and a cigar or two at every meeting, only the best for Monsieur Juncker,” Allen Batentout, Senior unelected EU Analyst told the BBC.
The view from Europe
The chances of talks failing are “over 50%”, EU commission chief Jean-Claude Juncker and his team have concluded after a reportedly disastrous pre-summit dinner with PM Theresa May.
“I’m leaving Downing Street 10 times more sceptical than I was before,” a disgusted Juncker told the prime minister, apparently appalled by the UK’s “simplistic” take on key issues such as Britain’s divorce bill and the future rights of EU citizens as well as the “despicable” food presented at the meeting.
The main topic, of course, was the quality of food that was presented to the visiting EU dignitaries.
According to the account, in the Frankfurter Allgemeine Sonntagszeitung, Juncker – who now believes Britain is seriously underestimating the complexity of what is to come – later told Angela Merkel, May was “on a different galaxy” not only in gastronomical taste but EU politics.
On leaving Number 10, Juncker – not shy in showing his disapproval, projectile vomited over two policemen, a reporter and the resident cat. His gut wrenching vomit was so powerful that one policeman had to receive counselling after being doused in bits of carrot, some sweetcorn and lashings of mashed potato.
“One of the protection officers had his mouth open and swallowed a considerable amount of Juncker vomit. It stunk of fresh cognac, Baron Otard to be precise. That was not the worst of it though, even Larry the Number 10 cat was doused in the puke, but he did not look perturbed by it at all, he just simply bent his head down to eat up as much as he could. Yuk!” another reporter revealed.
In perhaps the most telling exchange, May implored Juncker, “Let us make Brexit a success.” The commission president responded that while he didn’t want chaos, “Brexit cannot be a success.”