“This volcanic ash disruption of the airlines had something fishy about it and that’s why we decided to investigate,” Bernard Morgan, a British Airways senior manager told an emergency meeting last night in London.

British government officials were also shipped over to Iceland to see the damning evidence that has grounded the whole airline industry as well as British Airways.

There are serious questions to be asked. Why did a team of thirty Unite union members transport 450 tonnes of high grade explosive to the crater of the volcano last week under cover of darkness? Why did they then flee the country soon after the massive eruption? Why have investigators found Unite union manuals at the bottom of Eyjafjallajoekull volcano?

Geological scientists and volcanic experts were said to corroborate the allegations that the eruption could have been caused by sabotage. According to leading experts, the Stratovolcano could easily be ruptured by a large explosion freeing up the immense pressure build up from below.

“Looks like the Unite union will do anything to ground British Airways, and if that means taking out all the other airlines too, well, there you have it. The evidence is damning to say the least, they somehow engineered the volcano to erupt. Let’s say that they gave it a helping hand. We will make sure that they are brought to justice and punished to the full extent of the law for their crimes,” Mr Morgan vowed on Friday.“

Unite union officials at their head office in Grimstye, North-East England, refused to comment on the serious allegations yesterday.

“Yesterday and today were bliss, I didn’t hear one single aeroplane in the sky. There were no trails, no noise, just sweet silence. It’s utter joy and I pray there are more volcanic eruptions in the future,” a resident of Hounslow, West London told the BBC.

All across the country there have been quiet celebrations at the grounding of all aircraft.

Hush the blighted skies

“Every day we have over 700 flights over our house, starting from 4am till the next morning. I’ve just been out in the garden relaxing and all I heard was this lovely deafening silence. It’s absolutely wonderful, I can’t describe the feeling of peace that has come across me without the incessant noise of low flying commercial aircraft constantly there,” Sarah Heron, from Putney told ITV.

Many people across the UK are praying that the silent skies last for many days. Here’s to more volcanic eruptions bringing us peaceful quiet blue skies to look up and enjoy.

Speaking from the Starship Bollocks, Captain Berk said: “We have beamed up the three serial bullshitters from the planet Quango and put them on a one way trip to the outer reaches of the Alpha Centauri star system. They did try to evade capture but we set phasers to stun and got them to the transporter room pronto.”

According to Starfleet records, the three bullshit merchants tried to talk their way out of the situation with the same old load of tosh that has been spouted since time immemorial.

“These serial bullshit artists, especially the Klingon, Gordon Brown, skirted around the real issues and questions with lots of repetition, empty rhetoric and lies, lies, lies,” Lieutenant commander Smock told the bridge.

Scotty then beamed up the miscreants who were then despatched to an off world colony somewhere in sector 54T.

“By the gods and goddesses, when Mrs Brown took off her shoes and walked into our temple, what we saw was astounding. Her toe mutation looks like the goddess Dhumavati, the ugly eternal widow. Is this an omen of what is to come in the world and in Britain, maybe a terrible pestilence, a virus of some sorts? She was immediately surrounded by some priests and Sadhus who took her into another room to examine her toe even further,” Anil Kapoor, one of the elders of the temple told Neasden’s local paper.

News of the incredible toe find has travelled far and wide and is now headline news in India and the sub-continent.

There are calls for Sarah to bring her toe to Mumbai where a religious sect who worships Dhumavati – otherwise known as Alakshmi – want to examine the astounding mutation.

“We want to go on a pilgrimage to Downing Street to see her foot, or maybe she can come over here for a while. Nevertheless, many thousands of Hindus worldwide are ready to come to England to see the inbred freak show. It is very similar to the Christian Lourdes or the Turin Shroud,” Adnan Prindeep, a journalist from New Delhi told the BBC World Service.

Number 10 was today silent on the matter and did not want to draw attention to Sarah Brown’s wonderful mutation, which has captured the imagination of half of South-East Asia and Neasden.