The queue to exit the state of Arizona is long, as many who have brown skin scramble to leave the state or be arrested.

“I fear for my safety. I regularly visit a tanning salon but I’ve been caught up in this mess. I’m not even a Mexican or other form of untermenschen, but may be lumped in with that lot simply because of my temporary skin colour,” Louise Hamberdinger, 27, from Phoenix told CBS news.

Another resident who was caught up in the new directive is Samuel Johnson, 45, who recently got back from Hawaii: “I gots me a dark tan and when I got to the airport they said I should go back because I looked like a wetback. Shit, I been called a lot of things in the past but that got my goat, so I pulled out my johnson and showed them it was white as the goddamn White House. They let me through customs then for sure.”

One of the law’s sponsors, Republican Rep. John Kavanagh, was unrepentant about the effect the new law has had on the state’s residents: “They’re leaving in great numbers. This is a very effective strategy, hell, the Germans used the same kind of law in 1939, why not now too?”

“We are preparing the stretcher to take Gordon Brown away from Number10. He will have to be carried by five highly trained stretcher bearers who will load him into the ambulance and drive him away as discretely as possible. We understand that there may be some media interest at the time so we have decided to disguise the ambulance as an ice cream van,” Johnnie Willits, senior emergency coordinator for Westminster council told the Mirror.

After the unelected ex-prime minister is loaded into the ambulance, he will be taken to a secret location where he will be treated, if still alive.

Understandably, staff at Number10 have been keeping a low profile while the preparations are being made.

“We all know what’s being done for the grand Brown exit. When he comes into a room we just stay quiet and don’t say a word. There’s a feeling of death in Number10 at the moment, and it doesn’t matter how much spin his Magda Goebbels wife does for the media, even she can’t thwart the inevitable,” a Number10 staffer told the Squib.

“We have reason to believe that Liberal Democrat candidate, Nicholas Clegg was nearly kidnapped last night but the plot was foiled by our officers who had been tracking the Tories for some time,” Detective Inspector, Michael Knutter told the Independent.

The Conservative MPs tried to kidnap the popular Lib. Dem. leader from his home and ship him to France where he could be stranded, because of the volcanic ash travel chaos. The Tories were hoping that Mr Clegg would be stranded in France until after the election was over.

“We found intricate plans detailing the kidnap plot and we swooped on the properties of the Conservative MPs early in the morning. One particular MP even tried to hide in his duck house but was eventually discovered by one of our police dogs,” Inspector Knutter added.

Ever since the infamous election TV debates, the knives have been out for Clegg who has trumped both Labour and the Conservatives in popularity polls.