The Bristol based think tank commissioned by the Society for Research Statistics and Policy has stated that Gordon Brown has not only been “blinded by extreme power crazed politics” but is also “blind to the peoples wishes” and his “clunking fist of totalitarian control” has in effect “totally blinded him”.

Roger Magoo, a senior researcher for the Brown Stain think tank said this yesterday: “Some may say that we’ve had a blind bastard leading the country ever since the unelected coward shoehorned himself into the post, but we have to look into the fine detail of his iron fisted rule to see how utterly blind he really is. I’ve seen bats with more sight than Gordon. He may be blind to what is really going on in the country and he may be blinded by ultimate power of the people but can he see the writing on the wall this coming election? Is he blind to that as well?”

The unelected prime minister is so cowardly and reprehensible that he is now looking at strategies to get him off losing the only election he will ever participate in.

“Gordo’s looking to pull a sickie. He’s like the little kid who wants to get out of playing the Rugby game so he goes to matron and gets a sick note to show his PE teacher. He’s already done so much damage to the country and is not paying a blind bit of notice to what anyone thinks about his actions. In fact he’s so blind to the peoples feelings that if he was smacked in the face with a brick he’d thank the person who threw it and keep on gurning,” Mr Magoo added.

“This is an amazing honour. I am truly humbled for winning this prize for doing fuck all. What do I get when I actually do something?” the bemused man said before stepping onto Air Force One.

Could this be something to do with ‘Change’? In this case there has been none.

War is Peace

One of the judges who voted on the prize panel said: “This guy just turned up out of nowhere. Hell, he doesn’t even have a valid birth certificate, so we just thought we would give him a Nobel Peace Prize instead.”

The prize winner is over the moon and retired to the Oval room to twiddle his thumbs and put his feet up on the desk.

“He’s lazy. He sleeps all day and most of the night. He wakes up and orders six buckets of chicken, walks on water for a bit then goes back to fucking sleep. The boy’s done shit all for the country let alone for the world. Shucks, who they gonna give the prize to next? Dubya? He deserves it more than this guy, but he actually did something like murder millions of people in cold blood and bring America’s economy to its knees,” a Pentagon official told CBS news today.

“It’s like this, we’ve got some majorly rich G7 countries who are going to mingle with some slightly rich G20 countries and they in turn are going to mingle with the G54 lot. It’s going to be the party of the century and we’re making sure we have the right type and amount of canapés at the meeting,” Ashley Risburger, a representative of the G20 nations told the Financial Times.

With power shifting from the G7 and onto the G4, the G20 nations have sometimes felt underappreciated with the proceedings and are now pushing for the G54 contingent to muscle in as well.

“This is the first time all the G7, G20, G4 and G54 countries are meeting in one hall. We’re so excited but it’s going to be one heck of a meeting,” Sam Finklestein, a US eco lobbyist told Reuters.

There are plans to amalgamate all the G nations into one group of G240 countries but some diplomats say that this would mean that the meetings would be less frequent annually thus depriving delegates of gourmet meals and other goodies.

Larry Jenkem, who deals with International Monetary Policy, was today calling for a change of letter within the G nations.

“We want a different letter. Maybe we should move onto F countries. You know like F20 and F7. I think that actually sounds better than G,” Mr Jenkem exclaimed.

Some commentators on the G20, G7, G4 and G54 have however chosen to ignore all the suggestions because of the yawn inducing nature of the whole matter.

Tony Humbug, 49, an agitated British voter said: “F*cking hell, it’s enough to make you want to shave your eyeballs with a rusty razor. These G whatever meetings they’re always having. They just talk and talk and talk. Pamper themselves on booze, gourmet food and high class pr*stitutes then go back home to repeat the same thing next year. All the while, outside every meeting there are people causing bloody havoc with riots while these ponced up arseholes are blabbing away as if nothing’s going on. I’m sick of the whole bloody lot. Forget about G, I say it should be Zzzzz.”

“Gordo gets about two and a half hours sleep a night. He’s a paranoid wreck and breaks out in cold sweats every few minutes grinding his teeth manically. It’s quite distressing for the staff because one minute he’s throwing a fax machine through a window and the next he’s rushing off to the toilets. We don’t know if he’s coming or going, in fact we don’t think he knows either,” a senior Number10 aide told Britain’s state broadcasting station, the BBC yesterday.

Although the PM has flatly denied that he is ‘coked up to the eyeball’ he has been seen numerous times with a white powder-like substance on his nose.

There has also been cause for concern about the ailing PM’s erratic behaviour.

“He’s got a nervous twitch, something he does with his mouth, like an ‘o’ shape. His aides tell me they are very concerned about his eyeball as well because of his one eye, if he overdoses he might lose the sight in the other eye as well. He’s already bumping into things anyway and has to read documents about 5cm away from his face. It can take hours for him to read one page. Surely this guy can’t run a country effectively like that? I knew that of course before i jumped ship. No wonder he’s f*cked everything up. Gordo could f*ck up a cup of coffee anyway, but run a country? No way!” Tony Blair, the ex British PM told a group of delegates who paid $14,000 each to see him speak for two hours in Arizona.

Maybe it is time that Gordon Brown has an Intervention to curtail his drug taking and reckless coke binges which are threatening to derail his disastrous premiership.

There have been rumblings of discontent in the expert industry which dominates the world’s mainstream media.

Many experts are now agitated at the astounding level of expertise being released from experts worldwide. The Labour government in the UK is leading the push into the expert industry and is increasing expert advice in all media forms daily.

“We’ve got a surplus of experts at the moment who are doling out increased levels of expertise that has frankly exhausted the public’s taste for expert expertise. Open any mainstream newspaper or magazine and you will be inundated with experts. I’ve never seen so many bloody experts blabbering on and on with expert knowledge that is 99% of the time completely f*cking useless,” Professor Gerald McManus, an expert on experts at the University of Scunthorpe told a panel of experts yesterday.

Expert Solutions

Worldwide experts in all fields of expertise are now demanding more rights to spout more expert advise to all and sundry.

“We are petitioning the Association of Experts, Expertise and Experting to push down peoples throats more expert knowledge. Maybe compulsory orders so people have to listen to our expert advice daily. We are experts in our field so we should be listened to. Our expertise is something that should not be ignored and should be adhered to by all. We are here to guide you through your meaningless lives where you cannot think for yourselves and have no understanding of how things work. We are your experts and will tell you how to do everything. Please just sit back and listen to our expert advise, you don’t even need to think, just listen,” Joel Hamer, an expert in shoehorns and 18th century shoelaces told the BBC.