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One Trillion Euros Now Worth About Thirty Bucks

“I just went to buy some groceries, a loaf of bread, a bag of tomatoes and some toilet roll. 85 trillion euros they charged me! I’m bloomin’ livid I am. It’s those bloody krauts and their stinkin’ riches,” Stavros Lazyitis told Greek national radio.

It is not just in Greece however where the euro cash problem is having a detrimental effect. All over the eurozone the carnage is evident as many are reduced to paying for even the tiniest of goods in trillion euro denominations.

“I bought my three year old daughter a lollipop this morning. It was 2.5 trillion euros, so I only had a 20 trillion note on me, well you can guess what happened next. The shopkeeper had to go to the back of the shop and get a shopping trolly load of money to give me the f*cking change. It’s those bloody Greeks what done it and we’re in this bloody mess. Innit?” Helga Gothenberg, from Hamburg told Germany’s Deutsche satellite network channel.

South African World Cup Mugging Season Set to Begin

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“We’re gearing up for our own kind of world cup. The only balls that will be involved however will be the rich football supporters who we will kick very hard between their legs so we can extract their wallet,” Jimbo Mobutu, a Soweto resident who is getting ready for some serious mugging action this summer.

With the influx of rich football fans, armed carjackers are set to have a field day on the unsuspecting football tourists.

“It’s going to be like Christmas all over again. As soon as they come off the planes we will be onto them like a bluebottle fly gets onto a steaming dog turd,” Mr Mobutu added.

Germany Bans Naked Shorts

Germany said naked short sales, swimming trunks, and string vests on Germany’s streets will be prohibited from now through March 31, 2011.

“You will not wear naked shorts anymore, only trousers or ledehosen will be permitted. If you are on a nudist beach then you will be required to wear absolutely nothing, not even swimming trunks,” finance minister, Klaus von Horst told German state television news networks.

Naked shorts are seen as a major threat to Germans, especially when the people wearing the shorts have knobbly knees or their legs are too pale. Analysts were however sceptical that the move would be successful in taming the naked short wearing public.

“We know that there will be people wearing naked shorts, maybe in their homes or in secret locations. This is why we have established a new police force to go out there and find these people who are flouting the law by wearing shorts – especially anyone who wears those offensive Speedo swimming trunks,” Minister for Justice, Gerta Schlampe said on Wednesday.

Germany Needs to Give Daily Squib Money Too

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“If they can bail out whole countries which have gone on massive spending sprees, why not the Daily Squib? In fact we don’t have two pennies to rub together in this bloomin’ office. C’mon Germany lend us a few quid. We promise we won’t mention the war,” sub sub editor-in-chief, of the Squib, Alan Scheisse told Bild news today.

Already, Chancellor Angela Merkel spoke to the Squib’s finance office pledging a few billion euros but with some of the writers lifestyles this may not be enough.

“We’re f*cking lazy. We might get in to work at about 4pm, play some snooker, watch a bit of telly, have a butchers on the Wii for a bit, then some of us might think about writing something down on a used napkin or we might just go home. I think we’ll just ask Germany to get their cheque book out and give us a big dollop of wonga, it beats f*cking working for a living,” one of our staff writers, Billy Cicero revealed.

The German leader on Monday addressed the German nation about the sense of urgency in giving the Daily Squib billions of euros: “My fellow Germans, we need to give the Daily Squib newspaper staff billions of euros in cash. I want you all to work until you are 120 years old and will make Sunday another weekday plus we might have to increase taxes again huh. Hope you all don’t mind?”

Con-Dem Partnership Condemns UK to Tax Hell

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After Labour’s scorched earth policy created cash black holes are finally being discovered by the Con-Dem partnership, they’re all in for a serious bombshell, and so are ordinary taxpayers.

Britain faces many years of extreme hardship and tax torture wherein the good people of Britain will be taken to the brink of destruction.

The new coalition government will not change a thing that Labour brought in over thirteen years of ruination. They will instead carry on with the Labour created Big Brother databases and network. They will carry on with the Labour created wars in the Middle East. They will also increase taxes to inconceivable levels as well as destroy any hope of economic recovery.

“The Con-Dem partnership does not plan on bringing back any form of freedom to the citizens of the UK after thirteen years of Labour hell. In fact, they will use the Labour government created Big Brother networks and will capitalise on the system to punish citizens further. Nothing has changed, and nothing will change. Economically it will get a lot worse for us because the nation now has to deal with Labour’s legacy of debts and dirty tricks they committed to sabotage the nation’s economy before they left office and escaped back to Scotland,” a Westminster insider told the Squib.

Comrade Cameron, is not a conservative in any sense. He may be masquerading as one who espouses ‘democracy’ however like all systems created by elite aristocrats: communism, fascism, socialism and democracy are all part of the same technique. They ultimately control; some may give the illusion of freedom, others are more totalitarian, however, they are all part of the same machinery, and are all rooted in the primary world religion — communism.

Whether the Con-Dems are in power, or the Conservatives, or Labour, or the Monkey Doodle party, there is no escape from the governmental system that holds everything in place. There is no escape from the Whitehall controllers, or the  EU technocrats who stay in place irrespective of who is in so-called power. Remember comrades, if you can see and hear an official dictating their laws to you on television or the radio, you know they are not in charge, they never have been and never will be.

New Irish Robin Hood Gladiator Movie Takes Box Office by Storm

“This time we’re taking money from the poor cinema audiences and giving it to the rich studio execs, a rich fat Aussie meathead and an even richer English director. Robin Hood has a noticeable paunch and speaks in the most ridiculous fake Irish accent you will ever hear. After watching this turkey, you’ll think that Kevin Costner is a genius on a par with Leonardo Da Vinci,” Arthur Finklestein, a Hollywood movie critic told Variety.

Cinema-goers were treated to the sight of the fat old Australian Robin Hood prancing around the forest shouting out “My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the McDonalds, General of the Burger King, loyal servant to the true KFC bucket, Colonel Sanders. Father to a murdered bun, husband to a murdered chicken leg. And I will have my vengeance, in this Drive-In or the next,” in a very strange faux Irish accent.

Some of the audiences were rather annoyed and confused when exiting the cinemas yesterday.

“I want my f*cking money back. Robin Hood robbed me. Where’s the f*cking manager I want my money back right now,” one of the mugged cinema-goers said after watching the film.

David Miliband Grows Moustache

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“David Millipede, ahem, I mean Miliband, has grown a furry caterpillar above his top lip. He says it’s the first one he has managed to grow and it took many months of careful pruning. I definitely think he is now a major contender for the Labour top job,” Reginald Ginster, the Labour party’s official press officer told the Mirror.

The upcoming Labour contest to find the party’s new leader is set to be a stonking affair.

“Balls is in the running as is the other Miliband brother, but we’ve also heard that Gordon Brown wants to jump back into the fray again and get his old job back,” Mr Ginster added.

Here’s to more fun times with the Labour party.

After the Marriage the Honeymoon

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Was it love at first sight or love at first fight? Who knows. But the two public school boys are now finally hitched after many hours and days of negotiations.

It was a match made in heaven, one OE boy and one OW, who forged a partnership that some say could last forever.

“When they went down the aisle, I had a tear in my eye. Then they disappeared behind the door of Number10 and I knew that they were right for our country,” Samantha Cameron told Tatler magazine.

Already, Hello magazine and OK magazine have built up a frenzied bidding war for the wedding pictures and commentators are expecting a Max Clifford PR campaign to go with it.

“David might order Cleggy to make his toast in the morning or to shine his shoes but other than the odd fagging, it’s business as usual in Number10, I’d have to say though, anything is better than that morose grey disaster on two legs, Brown, plus we don’t get the obligatory fax machine or mobile phone thrown at our heads at high speed anymore. Phew!” a Whitehall Number10 staffer revealed to the Times.

Comrade Brown is Dead!

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Comrades, I have very bad news for you. Unelected Comrade Brown passed away last night peacefully in his sleep after the poison administered to his cabbage soup finally took effect.

Remember this date comrades, May 11, 2010. Where were you when the great unelected one passed away?

The Daily Squib office staff were in tears after news of the supreme leader’s death filtered through when a passerby ran into our offices late last night.

The man shouted: “The great comrade Brown is dead!”

We shouted: “Shut up. That’s impossible!” then we turned on the office wireless radio and lo and behold it was true.

After the news came through everyone felt lost; nobody knew what would happen next. Everybody was in shock–like a child who has lost his parents in Asda on geriatric day. It was terrible. We had believed the ideology of the British Soviet Empire, which declared: “Lenin has not died and Brown will not die. He is eternal.”

All school classes were cancelled. All workers ceased work in the factories. Everybody was crying in the streets and in their homes.

Visibly distraught Daily Squib staffers immediately boarded a train for the 36-hour ride to the great leader’s hometown of Grimsty for comrade Brown’s funeral.

Four million people gathered in Trafalgar Red Square to see off the open coffin. Far too many were gathered in one place and, as a result, hundreds of people were crushed to death. One of our reporters, Mike Hunt, who was standing in front of the “Kollony Zal” (Hall of Pillars) of the Westminster Duma, says he could hear the sound of bones cracking.

After the funeral of the great supreme unelected commander in chief, the people of Soviet Britain were left to survey the wonderful legacy and delights the great comrade left the nation before his tragic passing.

Tories Offer Lib Dems 4-Slice Toaster and Answering Machine

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Lib Dem leader, Nick Clegg, was at a loss for words after the latest offers were put on the table: “Should I go for the 4-slice toaster or the alarm clock radio? I’m going to the left, then to the right, then slightly diagonal, then more to the left. I think the trouser press looks great though. Oh lord, what should I do?”

The Labour party were even mulling over throwing in a DVD player or iPod in addition to their current offer.

“We’re upping the stakes here. We’re not just offering the Lib Dems any old tat off the back of a f*cking lorry like the Tories. We’re offering them some prime goods from Argos,” a Labourite Rottweiler spat at a reporter outside parliament.