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Government Pathologist Says Dr. Kelly’s Death ‘Textbook Suicide’

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“This was a ‘text book’ case of suicide wherein Mr Kelly was found dead with no fingerprints on the knife and no gloves on his body plus there were very limited traces of blood even though he supposedly severed his arteries. The agents who murdered him sure did a great job,” Mr Nicholas Hunt, the government appointed pathologist who performed the post-mortem, told the Sunday Times.

Without the untimely death of scientist, Dr. Kelly, in 2003, the UK might not have gone to war in Iraq.

“Mr Blair at the time was very concerned about the meddling ways of Dr. Kelly, so I’m sure he and his friends devised a little solution to the problem. Just a quick fix, which will not be discovered for the next 70 years thanks to the Hutton whitewash inquiry. Of course, by then it will be too late anyway, so it won’t matter. What’s one dead scientist when you’ve got the world’s second largest oil fields to invade,” a former key aide to Number10 at the time of Mr Kelly’s liquidation revealed yesterday.

Fury as Furious Politicians Spit Fury at Furious Voters

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Amongst the fury raging in the crowds of people attending the fury induced march there was even more fury when the furious police arrived and stirred up even more fury than anticipated.

“I’ve seen spitting fury before, but this was different. You could actually see the veins on some of the politicians, coppers and assembled peoples’ foreheads bulging furiously. I swear, at one point I saw a furious Conservative politician, Ron Harris MP for Hanwell South, steaming bloody fury from his ears, he was that bloomin’ furious,” a bystander, who was caught up in the furious melee told the BBC.

No one yet knows what the assembled march was about but there was a lot of fury involved.

“At one point I feared for my life, because at one end there were furious politicians and at the other were the furious crowds of protesters, somewhere in the middle were the furious police striking out with their batons furiously. I couldn’t tell who was more furious but there was so much fury that I think I let out a little pee into my knickers. Like it was a little squirt, nothing to write home about,” Esther Gastronome, who was on a shopping trip from Norfolk, told ITN news.

Obama Having White House Redecorated During Vacation

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Whilst the country’s economy is in turmoil and the jobless can be heard wailing in the streets of America, Barack Obama and his family are enjoying a string of indulgent holidays as their Washington home is being redecorated. 

“Mr Obama wanted something more in keeping with his religious beliefs. He himself brought the best architects from Saudi Arabia to construct the minarets on the White House. There will also be a magnificent dome where the Oval room used to be. We are even installing a Turkish bath on the third floor and an Islamic Center to the side of the West Wing,” Charles Severin, one of the White House aides overseeing the project while the Obamas are on holiday told ABC. 

Speaking from Martha’s Vineyard at the start of his four week vacation, Barack Obama confirmed to reporters that he has already had approval from Pentagon planners for the Islamic additions to the White House.

The White House will be transformed by Obama’s ‘Vision of Change’

“As a nation of many colours and creeds, you can understand what I mean when I am talking about change. It is for the betterment of our great nation that I have proposed the minarets over the White House and the magnificent dome that will cover the building. I call for religious tolerance and peace amongst all men. We must all live together and not fight each other anymore,” Barack said.

The speech was truly touching and even reporters from the assembled Fox news teams were visibly shaken to tears.

The building of the taxpayer funded minarets has still come under fierce opposition, however, the White House addition will be discussed in full when congress reconvenes after September’s recess.

“There will be a call to prayer in the morning and also in the afternoon from all four minarets which have high wattage speakers on them. This is a beautiful sound of the muezzin who will call the prayer so there is nothing to worry about,” Rumbub Tariq Khabbar who will be the Mullah in charge of the White House mosque once Obama returns from holiday.

Why Social Networking Has Been Best Tool for Criminals and Governments

Call them lemmings, call them sheep, call them the mass of people who have been suckered into revealing their every thought and plans on social networking sites. They are a sign of our times, a gift to the intelligence agencies, criminals, government offices, conglomerates and marketing companies.

In a time where there are no qualms about revealing personal details to anyone, the governments of the world have seen a mass bonanza of informative data telling them more about the populations than they ever hoped for. These agencies have utilised the narcissistic shallow desire for these individuals to promote every banal detail of their lives to great effect.

The new gold mine

“It has been a beautiful ploy. We made it ‘cool’ to join a social networking site, then their friends joined up. We also got the populace addicted to data, addicted to cyber networking, addicted to news, addicted to useless information. By utilising the Pavlovian techniques, the control system has been perfected with precision. We now know everything about these people, their habits, their deepest fears, their relationships with others, their financial affairs, what toothpaste they use, etc, etc,” a Pentagon official divulged.

Not only is the mass of data being mined by governments and shady business entities/advertisers just below the periphery, the useful data is being mined by conglomerates and the consumerist network plugged into the social networking scam.

“We have so much data on everyone that we can actually plan out a day for any given person. This will be useful in the future because we know exactly how each person on these sites ticks, we know the strings to pull, and we know how we can control you even better than we are already controlling you. Just you being on any of these sites is enough for us because we can gauge mass movements in population, your moods, your plans. As a government, we can manipulate you even further by implanting rumours into your social networking matrix, we can also see if there are small signs of rebellion and crush those early. We however have no fear of rebellion amongst you social media networkers, though, because you’re all a bunch of fucking lemmings brainwashed to accept your fate as institutionalised sado-masochists. What I say to you now, you will understand, you will digest this, but you will also carry on what you’re doing, and after a few minutes forget about it,” the Pentagon source added.

Television programs like ‘Big Brother’ also made it acceptable and ‘cool’ for overt surveillance by the social psychologists.

“The morons who go on such shows are guinea pigs, brainless fuckers with unjustified egos the size of mountains, these people were used to make camera surveillance acceptable and actually desirable. The brainwashed idiots who watch the Big Brother shows are no better than the participants, walking zombies bereft of any thoughts or dignity. This is the kind of dumbed-down society we have been striving for centuries,” a spokesman for an intelligence agency revealed.

As all the social networkers divulge every personal secret they have, every minuscule thought or opinion, they do not realise how their every thought is being mined, being manipulated, and ultimately, they are trapped inside the system that created these networks.

Remember folks, once you reveal something about yourself on a social networking site, it is logged forever.

Ultimately, as Bertrand Russell said, once the population is dumbed-down to even lower levels than they already are, they will be taught that snow is black. They will believe it as well.

Universities Teach Degrees in ‘Unemployment Studies’

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It’s another
A-level exam season and hundreds of thousands of new A grade students
are applying to universities so that they can incur huge debts when they leave and become unemployed.

“It’s the same thing every year. Universities piled high with people who have no chance of ever being employed. They may get the grades because the exams are so easy now, but their useless qualifications amount to nothing when there is no jobs market,” Roger Pratt, senior lecturer at
Munter College of High Education in Scunthorpe explains.

Coalition education officials have now found a way around the problem. Teach
‘Unemployment Studies’ as a structured three year course where students
can learn about what they can do when they hit the dole offices; what
Benefits they are entitled to and even the best ways they can queue at the dole office. After the three year course, the students are £36,500 in debt and come out straight into unemployment.

A recent graduate at Cambridge University who is now unemployed,
had this to say about the whole system: “There’s no point in working in
Britain’s post-Labour benefit culture anyway. Nothing will change under the new coalition. If you can even find work, most of the meagre
amount you make will be taxed plus you won’t get all the welfare benefits. If
you’re unemployed, they give you money, a house, a car and you won’t
have to pay any council tax or tax of any kind for that matter. The Labour created system also punishes any couples who marry, therefore it is in
your best interests to be a single parent with about 5 or 6 children.
You can then expect to be claiming over £3000 per week in benefits and
don’t forget, if you add on Incapacity Benefit you will be really raking
it in, just say you’ve got a bad back and carry a stick around with
you. No one ever checks. You won’t have to work for the rest of your
life, just sit in front of your 47 inch widescreen TV and crack open
another alcopop whilst watching the Jeremy Kyle Show. I’ve got a first
class degree in Unemployment studies at Cambridge. I acquired my degree in
Unemployment Studies in the morning and was in the dole queue by the afternoon.
It was that easy.”

Next year, we will hear the same stories again.

It Beggars Belief: How the Fake Politicians are Raking in More Than £200,000 a Year

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Police estimate many members of the Houses of Parliament, who pretend to attend to affairs of the state, make more money fleecing the taxpayer than hard-working professionals.

Some are routinely taking home as much as £400 a day, rising to £1000 at weekends and purchasing ornate duck houses, home extensions, as well as expensive holidays from their ill-gotten gains.

Working a six-day week, they can earn as much as £2,400 untaxed income a week, giving them a salary of £124,800.

After tax and National Insurance deductions workers on a salary of £20,000, which is roughly what newly-qualified teachers earn, take home £15,391.85 a year.

Following the survey of politicians in Westminster, police in the city have launched an operation to get them off the gravy train and prosecute persistent offenders.

The Metropolitan Police says one man regularly makes more than £5000 an hour, calling it ‘tantamount to theft’. Speaking from one of his mansions in Belgravia, Tony Blair, explicitly denied the accusations before flying off in a private jet to another lucrative lecture in America.

Inspector Richard Goatse said: ‘While we do have politicians in Westminster who actually try to do the job and serve the people, there are some who are simply using this as a way of making money and sometimes they are threatening and intimidating.’

 

Recession Britain: Government Scientists Now Say 70 Minutes in Hour

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The time increase, which will bring extra revenue to the ailing government awash with debt, is a sign that the UK is in even worse trouble than previously thought. What’s more, the coalition government is trying to find a way to make the extra ten minutes in the hour non-payable by employers, therefore the workforce will work the extra ten minutes for nothing.

“We feel this will increase the UK’s productivity and bolster the debt ridden coffers. Everyone will work the extra ten minutes and will not get paid for their work, however they will be happy in the knowledge that the extra ten minutes worked will help pay for the benefits welfare black hole, NHS, civil service pensions and holidays as well as projects like sending young offenders on African safaris,” Paul Butcher, the Lib Dem Work and Pensions secretary told the Telegraph on Sunday.

Scientists and mathematicians have however come across a major problem. If the UK has 70 minutes in an hour and the rest of the world only has 60, this will cause confusion for global trade, business and air travel. This is why the government’s International Productivity Policy Foundation wants to roll out the extra ten minutes to the rest of the world as well. Already, the USA and Germany has shown interest as well as China, however countries like Greece, whose population are workshy, have strongly disagreed to the plans and have started rioting again.

“We will find a way to increase the minutes in an hour internationally. Once that is achieved, we can get out of this recession once and for all,” Liam Henderson a government, Business and Productivity Tsar told the Daily Mail on Saturday.

A direct
consequence of the time change that may cause major problems, is the
adjusting of the world’s clocks to reflect the extra minutes. The plan
is to change clock faces across the world by painting the extra minutes
on, as well as adjusting digital clocks. This could be quite time
consuming and expensive but worth it in the long run. Time will only
tell.

How it will work

a) 70 minutes per hour

b) 24 hours in a day

c) Extra 1 hour 20 minutes of unpaid productivity in a normal 8 hour shift

Spanish Hotel Wants Expensive Cutlery Back After Michelle Obama Trip

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Whilst staying at the taxpayer funded $4000 per night room, Michelle Obama allegedly swiped the expensive cutlery from the dining area as well as some ashtrays for her husband, and a few obligatory bathrobes.

“We have a very exclusive line of cutlery that is very expensive, and there were witnesses to the incident. A bell boy was just passing the dining hall when he witnessed Michelle Obama first looking around, and then sticking a number of the valuable pieces into her handbag. She even put some in her daughter’s bag and we have reason to believe that she ordered all forty hangers-on in her entourage to bag stuff too. Sheeit, it was like a free-for-all during the L.A. riots. I bet she even tried to take the TV from the room,” Ernesto El Burro, senior concierge manager at the hotel told Spain’s El Pais newspaper.

The White House have flatly denied any wrongdoing and have vowed to look into the matter with an internal inquiry. There are fears, however, from the Pentagon, that internet leak site, Wikileaks, may have acquired in-depth damaging evidence and are threatening to release even more Michelle Obama pilfering details.

Speaking from the White House’s Oval room, President Barack Obama said: “Don’t be talkin’ trash! Michelle bagged me a great bathrobe and some gold laminated slippers from that hotel. I ain’t going to complain about that, shieet!”

Sweat Shop Owner Philip Green to Review Government Spending

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Sir Philip, owner of several sweat shop operations in the Far East, will examine
expenditure from the past three years to try to identify potential
savings.

He told the Daily Squib that moving more earnings abroad to offshore accounts and dodging the UK tax system would work wonders. At one point, Mr Green even suggested that David Cameron transfer UK funds into Samantha Cameron’s offshore bank accounts thus circumnavigating any tax inspectors.

“I’ve been doing it for bloody years and no one’s caught me yet,” Mr Green said.

Sir Philip owns more than 2,000 shops in the UK, including
BHS and Topshop, which are estimated to make up some 12% of the nation’s
clothing retail market.

Ground Zero Mosque to be Spectacular Say Americans

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“People are so excited by this wonderful magnificent mosque which will grace this holy 911 site that is central to all Americans. It is a wonderful symbol of Islam and the enduring love that is felt when people visit this site,” a spokesman for Obama’s 911 Reconstruction Commission said on Thursday.

The mosque will have four 300 foot minarets and six smaller ones towering high into the New York skyline, and there is even talk of having a muezzin calling Americans to prayer every evening.

The holy building and its ornate dome will be constructed with the most beautiful intricate Damascus tiles. The central courtyard will include a wonderful Moorish fountain and the surrounding gardens will be a peaceful oasis in the desert of concrete junk, which usually makes up New York city.

“We have already had many requests for pilgrimage from the Arab world and as long as they have the correct visas they can all come here. We are expecting as much as thirty to forty million Muslims per year coming to the ground zero mosque, Allah be praised,” John Schmitt, a consultant on the project told CNN.

Texan farmer, Billy Bob Fenster, said whilst visiting the site: “God damn, this is going to be an awesome project. The beautiful Islamic tiles, the minarets and the dome really bring the power of Allah into my life. I actually shed a tear at the beauty of the intricate designs and the splendour of Islam. I found myself getting down on my knees and prostrating myself towards Mecca.”