17.7 C
London
Friday, December 19, 2025
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 715

Gazza Visits Flood Hit Pakistan

by Jock McTavish
-
1
Gazza Visits Flood Hit Pakistan

The former soccer legend turned up in a cab at Karachi train station last week clutching a loaf of ciabatta bread, two fishing rods, a dressing gown, lager, a rubber dinghy, some frozen pizzas and chicken pieces for the flood-hit people of Pakistan.

He appeared drunk as he described how he wanted to help the people of Pakistan after seeing footage on Sky news.

Gazza, 43, said: “I can teach the Pakistanis how to fish. I just want to give them some therapy because they’ve been through some really hard times, like, and say ‘Come on Pakistan, it’s Gazza’. I guarantee I can save them.”

Gascoigne visited a flood relief camp in Sindh province on Thursday before being stretchered away drunk out of his f*cking mind.

His spokesman, Jimmy Fivebellies, said he was bringing special gifts all the way from Newcastle, England, for the Pakistani people to enjoy.

“He heard that the Pakistani people need some help urgently during these hard times, like, so he’s gone and brought some stuff for them, like,” Fivebellies stated.

Armed Robber Forces Local Bank to Lend

by Jock McTavish
-
0
Armed Robber Forces Local Bank to Lend

After many months of trying to get a loan from her local bank, Ms Benson took it upon herself to get a loan from her bank, the easy way.

“I robbed the bank to get me a loan. But, if the rozzers see this, I intend to pay the cash back once I get my flower business up and running,” Ms Benson said from a secure hiding place.

Despite the banks displaying record profits this year and handing out huge bonuses to their employees, as well as receiving huge handouts from the taxpayer, they are reluctant to lend any money to anyone.

Small businesses in the UK have therefore suffered to such a point that thousands are going out of business or never even getting off the ground.

“I certainly do not commend what Ms Benson has done. She has desperately taken it upon herself to get a loan from the bank. If she is caught by the police, she will probably do a little time, but that’s a small price to pay for a fucking loan, isn’t it? Reggie Kendal, a councillor for Stoke-on-Trent district council, told the Stoke Times.

Cloned Cows Attack Farm Visitors After Vicious Taunts

by Jock McTavish
-
0
Cloned Cows Attack Farm Visitors After Vicious Taunts

“Forget about mad cows, the cloned cows are the ones you have to really fear,” Russ Abbot, a farm hand at the Sunnydale clone cow farm has revealed.

According to witnesses who witnessed the tragic attack, the cloned cows who all looked the same, suddenly started galloping towards the group of visitors on a day trip from the nearby town of Alsager.

“There were about sixty cloned cows and a few cloned bulls who came out of the cow shed at the same time. They’re way more intelligent than normal cows and move around with purpose. One of the visitors triggered off the event by teasing one of the cows. He called it a ‘silly clone’ and then he started telling his chums that all the cows looked the same in an obvious loud voice. That’s when one of the cows perked up and seemed to understand; this cloned cow seemed to then tell it’s fellow clones what happened with a few moo’s here and there. I’ve never seen the look of anger as I saw on those clone cows, they were spitting grass cuds they were,” Jimmy Twonails, one of the visitors to the farm told the BBC.

After the stampede, the farmer rescued the visitors, but alas, three people were sadly trampled to death by a number of vicious cloned cows.

A spokesman for the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs, Alan Chipplesblain, told the BBC that the clone farm had now been contained and the cloned cows were currently being moved to a secret location where they will made into juicy cloned steaks and delivered to supermarkets across the country.

The EU: 'More Tax Please You're British'

by Jock McTavish
-
2
The EU: 'More Tax Please You're British'

“Ve haf vays of making you pay,” an EU official has told Britain’s chancellor, Osborne, yesterday at an impromptu Treasury meeting.

EU budget commissioner Janusz Lewandowski, ordered the British chancellor to commit Britain to pay tax to fund poor Eastern European countries like Greece, Romania, Slovakia and Lithuania.

“We want the stupid people of Britain to fund our Soviet Fascist expansionist plans for the 1000 year Reich. We know very well how the UK is known as ‘Ripoff Britain’ because any form of indignity that is presented to the Brits is eaten up without question. We also know that all goods sold in the UK are marked up by over 75% and no one even asks any questions. In that case, here in the Eurozone, we wish the English pigs to fund our unlimited salaries and expense accounts as well as bolster the failing states which we have invited into our single currency mechanism. Your role will be quite simple. Pay up or we will crush you one way or another,” Mr Lewandowski told the BBC after the meeting at the Treasury.

Britain already hands over £9 billion per annum to the EU super state and has been ordered to add to this sum substantially.

“It’s a win win situation for Britain. You get to pay for the poor people to come into your country from Eastern Europe so that they can take your resources, overcrowd your cities, increase crime and f*ck your women. What more do you want?” the EU budget commissioner said whilst grinning like a well fed Cheshire cat.

Urgent Appeal for Donations to Save Fergie

by Jock McTavish
-
1
Urgent Appeal for Donations to Save Fergie

You may have a spare Bentley hanging around or you may not need that mink coat encrusted in gaudy jewels stuffed behind the washing machine anymore.

Spare a thought for poor old Fergie who has fallen on hard times again. Please donate your luxury goods to her so she can squander that as well.

The Daily Squib is appealing on behalf of Sarah Ferguson to restore her bank balance to its true state, that is why we are appealing for £10 million so that she can at least spend the next four to five months in modest living conditions.

“There may be people dying in floods all over the world, starving children in Africa and many in Northern England do not even have running water or basic food, but who gives a flying toss about them? Please donate all your cash and luxury goods to my fund. Also, if Bill Gates, Warren Buffett or any other billionaires are reading this, I am in grave need of a billion or two. Oh, any rich Arab sheikhs out there? I will literally do anything for you. I’m even willing to go with Mel Gibson and endure the daily beatings,” the Duchess said on Saturday at a fund raising event in a Gloucestershire abattoir.

Please send your donations to: DS Fergie Luxury Appeal Fund, P.O. Box 4359, Windsor Castle East Wing, Buckinghamshire, SL4 666

Spain Closed Down for Michelle Obama Shopping Trip

by Jock McTavish
-
7
Spain Closed Down for Michelle Obama Shopping Trip

 

Her husband flies everywhere in the presidential jet and helicopter, even flying less than 4 miles in the presidential chopper last week for a 25 minute meeting, so why should his wife be any different?

“We have shut down Spain right now. Michelle Obama’s security detail are securing the streets. All airports and motorways have been shut down and cordoned off,” Spanish Minister of the Interior, Pablo Ruiz Pendejo, told Spain’s RTVE network.

 Michelle Obama is costing the taxpayer over $3.5 million per day with her entourage of over 750 hangers on, 68-strong security detail, hairdressers, manicurists, fitness instructors, and fashion advisers. The Air Force jet she flew costs $11,351 per hour to operate, according to several reports, meaning a 14-hour round trip would cost nearly $160,000.

“Let them eat cake”

 “They booked up 18 floors of the 5 star hotel, Los Alamos, and Michelle Obama used one floor just for her shoes. Now that’s what I call getting down with the people. This foul bitch is using our hard earned tax dollars while we got to eat with food stamps and sleep in card board boxes under the fuckin’ Brooklyn bridge,” Republican senator, Bill O’Really told Fox news. 

Yesterday, the first lady had parts of the coast of Spain cordoned off so she could go for a swim with her daughter. Police ripped up palm trees and police tape to mark off the boundaries of a 1000-mile expanse of the coast for the American delegation. Helicopters and surveillance aircraft were despatched and were seen strafing the coast during the 45 minute excursion. On either side, peasants gawked – and police occasionally stopped and searched tourists if they strayed too close to the private party.  One gentleman, strolling on the beach, did not realise what was going on and accidentally ventured into the restricted Michelle bathing zone. He was immediately detained by a group of 40 secret service men and taken away in an unmarked van.

“Bling it on”

Speaking from her palatial environs, Michelle Obama said: “Qu’ils mangent de la brioche. While Rome burns, we fiddle and enjoy the luxuries of our excesses using your hard-earned cash dollars of course. You owe it to us anyway suckers so do not be angry you voted us in. Gibs me dis and gibs me dat, step back bitches and watch now how I spend me some of that bling money.”

“Even George W Bush was not this greedy. He just hung out at his ranch on vacation and same with Laura. Apart from starting two wars they never did anything as extravagant as this Obama-nation,” Mr O’Really added.

Obama Blames BP for Slave Trade

by Jock McTavish
-
0
Obama Blames BP for Slave Trade

“Even though oil had not been discovered all those years ago, BP was responsible for the slave trade and that’s why we gots to run that British company down into the ground. BP is run by English crackers and so was the slave trade, sheeit, that’s good enough fo’ me. I am asking Americans to vilify and blame the British for all of the bad things that happened, like it was BP’s fault that the astronauts from Apollo 13 were nearly lost, 911 was also BP’s fault and the current economic crisis, hell, that’s BP’s fault too,” Mr Obama told an assembled press meeting in the Rose Garden.

During the press conference a cameraman dropped his expensive camera on the floor smashing it into many pieces.

“That man over there, NBC is it?  You just dropped your $45,000 camera on the floor smashing it beyond repair. Well, let’s blame BP for that too. They can pay for that and my expensive new Healthcare system as well,” Mr Obama said to applause from the assembled press crew.

Body Scanner Operator Caught Groping Self at Colorado Airport

by Jock McTavish
-
179
Body Scanner Operator Caught Groping Self at Colorado Airport

Airport officials at Denver International airport were on high alert yesterday when a full body scanner operator was caught bating in his booth as a team of High School netball players went through the scanner.

“The young ladies were going through the scanner one by one, and every time one went through, this guys face was getting redder and redder. His hand was moving and then he started sweating. He was then seen doing his ‘O’ face. That’s when the security dragged him out of his booth and cuffed him. He had his pants round his ankles and everybody was really disgusted,” Jeb Rather, a passenger on a flight to New York told CBS news.

The controversial scanners display every minute detail of a person’s body and have been called intrusive by privacy campaigners. Body scanners penetrate clothing to provide a highly detailed image so accurate that critics have likened it to a naughty movie. Technologies vary, with millimeter wave systems capturing highly detailed pictures of genitals, and backscatter X-ray machines able to show precise anatomical detail. The U.S. government likes the idea because body scanners can detect concealed weapons better than traditional magnetometers.

“What do you want to do, get blown up by a goddamn Arab at 30,000 feet or we get to see your private parts? It’s up to you, the ball’s in your park,” head of the TSA’s scanning department, Rodney Schroeder, told CNN.

Motorists Across Britain Flocking to Oxfordshire

by Jock McTavish
-
0
Motorists Across Britain Flocking to Oxfordshire

“I can drive normally, oh my god, I was crying so hard, it was so beautiful,” Tony Woodford, 31, from London told the BBC.

Normally when motorists drive on British roads they are confronted by a speed camera nearly every mile of the road, some are even peppered every 200 metres on any given stretch of the UK’s road network.

Speed cameras were introduced by the previous Labour government to fleece Britain’s motorists out of millions of pounds every year, and thankfully the new coalition government are thinking of reducing the number of cameras.

“Labour’s War on Motorists”

“I usually drive by speeding up then slamming on the brakes every few yards when I see a speed camera. Thanks to the new coalition government I can actually drive my car in a straight f*cking line without wearing out my brake pads and endangering other cars on the f*cking road. Do you know what it’s like having to slow down all the f*cking time when there’s no need to? What about the cameras that were cynically hidden behind road signs and under bridges just to catch out motorists driving normally and make money? Well, during the Labour War on Motorists we were punished and exploited so that Labour could fund their tin pot schemes that amounted to nothing. Thank you whoever decided to take down the cameras,” a jubilant resident of Oxfordshire told the Daily Mail.

“We’ve seen motorists coming from Newcastle, Bristol, John O’Groats, Dorset, Lands End and especially London,” an AA spokesman said on Tuesday.

Speed cameras never saved any lives and in fact endangered motorists with most slowing down dangerously to avoid incurring a costly fine and points on their licence. We can only hope that the cameras are taken down across the whole of the UK and not just in Oxfordshire.

Brown Voted Best British PM by Al Qaeda

by Jock McTavish
-
0
Brown Voted Best British PM by Al Qaeda

“He’s done more damage to Britain than we could have ever dreamed of doing ourselves. If it was up to us he would be given an award for his works in destroying the UK. May Allah praise him for his great service against the infidel dogs. He will be guaranteed 72 virgin donkeys when he goes to heaven for sure,” Abdul Abu Hamid, 3rd in command for Al Qaeda in Pakistan told a Jihadi website, Kaboom.com.

The poll, compiled by Aswan Qitada, Al Qaeda’s 2nd in command since June, found that Mr Brown was considered the best British PM over the past 65 years.

Mr Brown, who was Prime Minister for less than three years, scored highly because of the immense damage he meted out onto the British economy, infrastructure, employment, crime and society, the 106 Al Qaeda officers who voted revealed. The accumulation of record government debt was seen as Mr Brown’s
biggest success while he was also praised for not calling a general
election in 2007. He scored positive ratings for selling off Britain’s gold supply at the bottom of the market, destroying society, democracy and foreign policy.

“Gordon Brown destroyed everything. We could only dream of such immense destruction. Masha’Allah, may Allah bring peace upon him,” Mr Hamid added.

Tony Blair was also rated highly by the Al Qaeda panel for his role in suckering the UK into two losing wars and costing Britain trillions of pounds in wasted money and soldier deaths.

1...714715716...799Page 715 of 799
squib footer 270

Breaking News

Copyright © Daily Squib 2024.

The Daily Squib is a curious satirical parody newspaper offering breaking news, political satire, comedy, investigative journalism, opinion and celebrity news.