17.7 C
London
Friday, December 19, 2025
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 713

Footballer's Wife Forgives Footballer's Wallet After Another Indiscretion

0

Another week in the world of football. Another footballer caught playing away from home with a prostitute. As scripts go this is pretty standard stuff.

“Wayne was caught having it off with prostitutes while his slapper wife was giving birth to their first child. Is the Pope Catholic? Do bears shit in the woods?” Ronald Eakin, a football agent dealing with Manchester United players told the Mirror.

What about the footballer’s wife? Well, naturally, she being a paid hand herself, will forgive her footballing husband’s many jaunts with the prostitutes because she can’t afford to lose his bulging wallet.

“I’m going to forgive his wallet because I know what it’s like to be paid for sex. That’s all a footballer’s wife is anyway, a trumped up whore with shopping bags coming out of every orifice conceivable,” Colletta Booney told the Sun tabloid.

Tony Blair Could Launch Book Signing in 45 Minutes

0

“Mr Blair is ready to launch a book signing anywhere in the UK in 45 minutes,” a senior aide working for the former prime minister told the Sun.

Immediately after the 45-minute claims were uttered in a secret dossier published three months ago and leaked only two days ago, there was panic in the whole of the UK and Ireland.

In Dublin, shoes and eggs were pelted at Tony Blair after he enacted the 45-minute book signing threat and conducted an impromptu book signing attack in the middle of the Town Centre.

“As soon as people heard the 45-minute book signing threat there was literally panic in the streets. The populace were scrabbling for rotten tomatoes, eggs, bricks and old shoes to throw at the former prime minister,” Liam O’Leary, an unpublished author from Dublin told the Irish Times.

The whole of the UK is now under siege with Tony Blair threatening to strike at any book store near where you live in less than 45-minutes.

Cost Cutting Ryanair Planes to be Flown On Autopilot

0

 

Michael O’Leary claimed that pilots were too costly and would be replaced throughout the whole Ryanair fleet with a computer autopilot system running on Windows 98.

In an interview with Bloomberg BusinessWeek magazine, Mr O’Leary, who has previously suggested that planes could fly with “standing-only” areas for passengers, said: “Why does every plane have human pilots?

“Really, you only need the autopilot. Let’s take out the expensive f*cking human pilot. Let the bastard computer fly it.”

When asked what would happen if the autopilot came up with a blue screen Windows error while flying a plane, he said: “If the f*cking autopilot crashes, a bell rings, then it’s time for the passengers to bail out. They will have to pay a non-refundable fee for their f*cking parachutes though before they disembark from the plane at 30,000 feet.”

 

 

Glenn Beck Birth Certificate Says He Was Born in Afghanistan

1

He’s usually trying to dig up some nonsense on the ailing president regarding his absent birth certificate, but this time the tables have turned on Republican Tea Party hot head Glenn Beck.

“We dug deep for this one, and it turns out that Glenn Beck was not only born in Helmand province, Afghanistan, but his roots lie with the Taliban. His dad was a prominent Taliban commander who sadly passed away last year during an American air raid, and his momma was a towel head too. In his spare time, Glenn Beck prays to Allah and wears a turban at home. He even arranged his furniture to point towards Mecca so he can be close to Allah at all times. The bitch has been holding out on us for this long,” Rudy DuMaurier, a senior Tea Party chairman from Boston, Massachusetts told a US military tribunal on Wednesday before expelling Mr. Beck from any further Tea Party conventions.

When news of Glenn Beck’s real identity was broken to America via Fox News, there was shock and grief across the country.

“Goddamn! You saying that he’s a towel head too? What next you’ll be tellin’ us that he wants to build a mosque at the foot of the statue of Liberty. What a load of prime, steamin’ BS,” John Deansguard, a fireman from Chisholm Creek, Wichita told CNN.

Massive Investigation After England Wins a Cricket Match

0

“Surely there must be some mistake. It can’t have happened? England won a cricket match? Call in the ICC immediately, we must have an investigation,” Rob Butler, a match official at the Lords cricket ground announced after the game ended.

Alarm bells immediately went off when England beat Pakistan by an innings and 225 runs to take the series 3-1 in a spectacular fourth and final Test rout.

There were no surprises however when the investigation into the spectacular win was concluded yesterday; it was revealed that the whole Pakistan team was on the payroll of Asian betting gangsters and lost the games on purpose.

The search is on for the England players to play a team that they can actually win against without a betting syndicate controlling the outcome.

“We’re looking for some honest teams to play the England team. I presume when that happens England will start its permanent losing streak again,” an ICC spokesman told the Daily Mail.

Coventry Chinese Restaurant Employs Cat Napper Mary Bale

6

Mr Ziang Hong, owner of the Peking Palace in Sudbury Road, Coventry, has come to the aid of Mary Bale, who is now in hiding at an undisclosed location after being caught stuffing a cat in a dustbin last week.

“Instead of throwing away good food like that in the bins, she can bring the cats to my takeaway restaurant. We need someone like her to get more quality meat. The English never know the difference between the cat meat and chicken plus they’re usually drunk out of their minds when they eat it anyway. We’ve been doing it for years, but she really got my eye, she’s an expert cat napper for sure. I’ll pay her good wages to get us some good meat we sell to the English morons. Once we put my special Kung Pao sauce and bucketloads of MSG, it’s f*cking delicious,” Mr Hong told the Coventry Echo.

In China, cats and dogs are regularly eaten, and are seen as a staple diet for many Chinese people. A popular dish named Dragon, Phoenix, Tiger contains the ingredients of snake, chicken and cat and is supposed to be an especially powerful agent to restore youth and vigour. In the UK, however, it is frowned upon, even though most Chinese restaurants regularly serve up the delicacy from illegally captured household pets. Cats are also a source of cheap meat for the restaurants who like to keep overheads low and profits high.

“It could be pork, it could be chicken, it could be dog or cat. Just eat up your Chow mein and don’t think about that,” Elvis Kimble, 24, out on a Friday night in a Newcastle Chinese restaurant quipped as he tucked into a number 62 with egg fried rice.

Bush Returns to Arena With Six-Figure Memoir Book Deal

0

The former
President of
the United States of America, George W. Bush, was commissioned to
write his memoirs last year despite not being able to read or write.

The
ex-president was offered a six-figure sum as an advance to complete the
tell-all tome. The book, published by Chimp Publishing Group, lays
out 13 major decisions by Mr. Rove and Cheney during his life and White House
tenure. Among them, according to several people who have seen the
manuscript: the destruction of the nation’s financial system,
enacting billions of dollars in tax cuts to the rich, limiting the use of education, research and science, and the decision to create the perpetual ‘War of Terror’.

The riveting read will expose the inner workings of the ex-president and his cabal of White House aides over the years.

The
book will form the centrepiece to his term in office and will also be
utilised in American schools along with other presidential favourites
like “My Pet Goat”.

The memoirs will also come with a set of black and white crayons and will signify Mr Bush’s limited worldview.

Could This be the New SuBo?

She has shot to fame in just a few days from absolute obscurity working as a bank clerk for an ailing banking chain. Dubbed as “the new SuBo Cat Woman” she has captured the nation’s slop buckets with her vile antics.

Simon Cowell gushed over her act: “She looked around, then she took that moggy and stuffed it in the bin. I was stunned at the enormity of the cowardly vile act, even I couldn’t top that one.”

Then Pierce Moron added to the praise: “Everyone knows I’m a lowly cowardly, smarmy, vile piece of  putrefying shit, but this cat woman really showed me up. I couldn’t top what she did either.”

The audiences of Britain’s Got Talent all voted for the Cat Woman too, propelling her to instant fame. She is so famous now, that SuBo is a distant memory, the only similarity being that both of them are short fat ugly pugs and as mad as hatters.

George Michael Looking Forward to Jail

The singer admitted driving under the influence of cannabis for the second time in three years and is looking forward to being incarcerated with loads of guys in a prison.

Sentencing the pop star, judge Andrew Ridgemount, immediately banned him from the road and said he will be jailed when he returns to court on September 14.

Michael, real name Georgios Panayiotou, revealed his delight at the prospect of being jailed: “I’ll actually enjoy it. Prison won’t be a public lavatory or some bushes in Hampstead Heath, I can’t wait for some ‘careless whispers’ in the prison showers. I have all the faith in the world that the judge will give me a long sentence so that those rough prison boys can wake me up before I go go. Ooh, jail’s going to be like the Club Tropicana, I’ve even got my shorts out for the occasion.”

Tony Blair Book Bestseller in Iraq

0

As book signings
go, this one surely took the detonator. Ex-prime minister Blair touched
down outside the Baghdad bookshop, deep within the Green Zone in a
chartered military helicopter and was met with cheers from the assembled
crowd of cherry-picked book signing attendees.

“We are gathered
here today to buy one of Mr Blair’s books. I braved two suicide
bombings and an American attack helicopter to get here today, so I’m
truly glad the greedy money-grabbing bastard finally turned up,” Abdul Mejid Hassan, a one armed baker
from downtown Baghdad told the Iraq Times.


Tony Blair’s ‘The Journey’ has been selling like hot shrapnel in Iraq and has topped the bestseller list for over four weeks.

Speaking from the London offices of Schister and Schister, Aaron Reubens
told the BBC: “We were keen to capitalise on Mr Blair’s success in Iraq
as a liberator by releasing the book there as well. Not only was he instrumental in stripping Iraqis of their sovereignty, their dignity, their oil and their future; he is now giving back a small morsel of himself as a sign of his undying gratitude for their defeat as a people. What more can a country ask for?”